To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

[nhd]

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

I think they're harmful

Can you give an example of how these comments are harming your child?

I think her intentions are right but she’s coming off a bit strong where she can be either undermining you (saying she doesn’t need to change when you have said she does) or correcting you.

Why don’t you speak to her about it and tell her that it’s great that she wants to empower your daughter but perhaps she can do this by e.g doing some non-girly activities with DD herself and having her own conversations with her rather than correcting yours.

lip filler, or duck mouth as I call it

Wow, aren't you just so original and clever?

I don't see anything extreme about any of those examples honestly. I think it's especially important to be conscious of talking about looks with girls.

There's no indication she is gay or straight. If she ever expresses a preference for either gender, which she's too young to do at the moment, we will deal with it then. On the balance of probability she will prefer boys as most people are straight

If a child turns out to be attracted to people of the same sex, but doesn’t live in a household where the possibility of this is openly talked about ‘unless necessary’, then that could end up with them repressing their sexuality for fear of being seen as different.
We need to normalise homosexuality rather than assuming heterosexuality!

OP, there’s a lot I could say about this but I’ll just give you one piece of advice.

One day your DD will be 10 years old, like mine is. The world they grow up in is constantly telling girls to be pretty, do girly things, do better, look nice. It MASSIVELY impacts their self esteem. It comes to the point where as a parent, you’re doing damage limitation - I have always talked positively about looks, including about my own looks but my DD is living in a VERY looks-based world and she’s now feeling the effects. Do everything you can to not focus too heavily on looks.

Also she’s right about the sexual orientation thing.

The kid is fekin THREE. Let them be a sodding kid. They'll have the rest of their teen and adult life to navigate today's wokeness when they're old enough to actually understand it. Jeez.

I don't focus on her looks or my looks but SIL comments on her looks a lot in that she should be able to look like a boy or dress like a boy. DD is very much given the option to! She picked out a navy hoodie today previously owned by her boy cousin so that's what she's wearing. But yes for a nice occasion I will give her options consisting of mainly girly, always clean clothes.
Her looks are rarely mentioned but obviously if we're getting dressed they will be because that's literally... part of getting dressed?!

Sil needs to back off. Dd doesn't need 3 parents...

I hope SIL is going to buy DD 'boys toys' for Christmas. We did buy our DD toy cars, trainsets, Lego, Scalextric as well as dolls and girly things. She enjoyed playing with all of them.

I think your SIL sounds fab.

I wish I had had a positive female role model like that when I was a little girl. My parents, particularly my mother hugely valued prettiness, and rewarded me for being good, quiet, obedient and putting the happiness and wishes of other people before my own.

I'm so glad that at least some little girls are now being brought up differently.

I think the most annoying example is her telling your daughter she can go wearing the clothes she was in when she was going to wear something clean. It’s undermining.

Although I have nothing wrong with the messages she’s giving I’d find some of the interjections annoying and presumptuous. Just because you do something stereotypical like baking doesn’t mean you’re backwards and need someone interjecting comments.

Maybe try and understand your SILs point.
She sounds great

I rarely mention my looks but quite literally looks are part of life. On the rare occasion that I put on make up I will do it openly rather than go and hide in the bathroom to conduct this secret operation. If we are going to an occasion where people are dressed up then yes I will dress my daughter more smartly.

It's not like I walk around saying "you're a girl, you must wear pink". On the average day it's "here's a few weather appropriate options. What do you want to wear today?" No further mentions of how she looks.

Yeah my daughter has more cars than dolls because she prefers them. No issue there with us

The dating girls thing is fine as I think children shouldn't see being gay as anything out of the ordinary.

I hate the baking comment though, it's almost shaming her and is confusing. SIL should crack on and take her to a football match if she wants but shouldn't be making the child feel bad for wanting to stay home and bake.

The party thing would massively piss me off and is totally overstepping boundaries- it's not for auntie to decide what a 3 year old wears and I'd be having a word about that as it's undermining your parenting.

Honestly she sounds painful and I'd be telling her she needs to dial it back. Odd things to be saying to a 3 year old in my opinion and if it where my sil I'd be nipping it in the bud. How you raise your child is none of her business and she is massively over stepping.

Your SIL sounds fabulous. You obviously have an issue with her “woke” agenda and are literally looking for things to slate her on.

Not being straight is woke?

YABU - She sounds like an incredible auntie, just like mine growing up and I thought she was the coolest ever!

If you look at statistics of Gen Z it seems only around 50% are exclusively attracted to the opposite sex. So ensuring your child isn’t pigeonholed into heteronormative stereotypes is super super important! It’s weird to me to think about a gender as a distraction rather than judging how good the school is.

Me and my partner are millennials and have had experiences with the same sex, as have a lot of our friends, oftentimes you don’t hear about it because of judgmental families/friends/peers/neighbours etc. I’m lucky to have lived my 20s in a city centre where it’s so normal and accepted.

I’m not going too much into the other things because me and my partner have agreed not to push colours/clothing items etc on to our baby. She will be wearing exclusively comfy things until she asks for anything different. She’s a baby learning about the world and I don’t want her taste to be altered by what mum and dad see as acceptable for a girl to wear. When she starts expressing her true self that’s all good, whether that be dresses or football t shirts.

The only unreasonable one is 3 because it should have been obvious that she wasn't completely dressed. Nothing wrong with any of the others.

I'd actively discourage her from being quiet, obedient and putting the happiness and wishes of other people before her own.

Not sure why that means SIL needs to encourage her to do activities she enjoys less (football) just because she's a girl. Does DD need to actively go against gender stereotypes even though she prefers the typically more girly activity? Isn't that putting the happiness of others (ie showing the world she's "not like the other girls") before her own?

She is 3. Yet she is already being taught that she has to be 'pretty' simply because she's a girl.

Let them be kids indeed.

And your point is......?

SIL sounds alright