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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

586 replies

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 15/12/2023 11:39

Why can't he go on his own?

Tinkerbyebye · 15/12/2023 11:40

CalistoNoSolo · 15/12/2023 11:39

Why can't he go on his own?

Perhaps he would like to spend Christmas with his wife!

Original poster
Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:41

CalistoNoSolo · 15/12/2023 11:39

Why can't he go on his own?

Because we want to spend the day with our dc as a family - he doesn’t want to drive there and back and not have a drink etc And he said he sees them so much the rest of the year and would rather we all stay together and as I can’t go and dc can’t go he just doesn’t want to

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 15/12/2023 11:41

Sorry, thought you meant the invite was for boxing day. Yes, I think if you're allergic it's not U to decline.

Original poster
Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:42

Everyone else stays over , in previous years he’s popped over on Boxing Day morning but there’s the expectation that everyone goes there from Xmas eve - Boxing Day

OP posts:
Crumblecakes · 15/12/2023 11:42

I think maybe you can take some anti-allergy tablets and go? 10 years is a long time to not see his family on Christmas, I’m sure they will keep the dogs at bay if you ask. Would you not want to see your family on Xmas day for 10 years?
If not your husband can pop over for and hour or 2

Original poster
Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:43

Crumblecakes · 15/12/2023 11:42

I think maybe you can take some anti-allergy tablets and go? 10 years is a long time to not see his family on Christmas, I’m sure they will keep the dogs at bay if you ask. Would you not want to see your family on Xmas day for 10 years?
If not your husband can pop over for and hour or 2

It’s allergy plus severe phobia and one of the dc is the same I literally cannot be in a house with dogs

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 15/12/2023 11:44

So many people don't understand how pets can cause so much discomfort. My adult DD is horribly allergic to cats. If she sat in someone's house that had a cat in it (even if it had been put outside), she would very quickly have swollen closed eyes, blotchy face, running nose and feel pretty shite. It's just not worth it so stick to your guns OP. They need to be more accommodating.

FrenchandSaunders · 15/12/2023 11:44

and tablets don't help!

Mudflaps · 15/12/2023 11:44

It's not your tradition to go, you are a different generation with your own dc and spend Christmas in your home with them and this is your tradition. You have perfectly acceptable reasons for not going (not that you need reasons, not wanting to is enough). Ignore the attempts at making you or your dh feel guilty, do what you are comfortable with.

Katiesaidthat · 15/12/2023 11:45

I would decline. They want dogs? They can have them, but it has some consequences and these are "it". They can have as many "expectations"as they like, not your problem. Stick to your guns.

WorriedMum231 · 15/12/2023 11:46

CalistoNoSolo · 15/12/2023 11:39

Why can't he go on his own?

What??? 😂😂😂😂😂

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 15/12/2023 11:47

I’m horrified they are suggesting your DH leaves you and your DC home alone for Christmas.

CICTGIGF · 15/12/2023 11:47

People are very dismissive of allergies and phobias and seem to assume they can be switched on and off when you feel like it.
I wouldn’t go in your shoes. They chose to have dogs knowing you are allergic/phobic, they should have realised you not going there again would be a natural consequence of that. Don’t ruin your Christmas for them wanting full control of it all. You’ve given them other options which they won’t accept so just leave it like that.

OhComeOnFFS · 15/12/2023 11:48

CalistoNoSolo · 15/12/2023 11:39

Why can't he go on his own?

Are you serious? He has a wife and family and you're asking why he can't spend Christmas with his mother?

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 11:52

I mean, obviously you can't help being allergic to dogs and your phobia sounds like a severe one, so if your husband goes over on Boxing Day without you, I think YANBU.

Of course he ought to be able to see his family, but there's no reason why he should spend a full three days with them just because that's their expectation.

Have you sought treatment for your phobia, though? It sounds very extreme, so could/should be treated like any other mental illness. If my own phobia was preventing my partner and I from doing certain things as a couple, I think I would be looking to get treated.

Allthingsdecember · 15/12/2023 11:52

Your allergies and phobia aren’t a barrier to his family Christmas, you’ve offered to host. Their selfishness and inflexibility are the only barriers here.

You shouldn’t be expected to be around animals that you’re allergic to or particularly scared of. I have a dog that I love, but I would never expect someone to be around him if it caused them discomfort.

Your husband really needs to stand up for you here and tell them that it’s not happening.

Original poster
Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:52

We did offer to host but nobody will come here as they want to bring their dogs. Dh has been there in Boxing Day some years for a few hours I just can’t do it !

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 15/12/2023 11:53

You need to get some help with your phobia, particularly seeing you appear to have passed it on to one of your DC.

HardcoreLadyType · 15/12/2023 11:54

Is there any chance you could get in early and offer to host next year?

Of course you’re not unreasonable not to go. I am a dog lover, but that doesn’t mean I can’t empathise with people who are afraid of them, and I have family members with severe allergies to various things, so absolutely understand that part of your objection, as well.

WandaWonder · 15/12/2023 11:54

10 years is a long time, I can imagine the replies if it was your parents you wanted to see

I can't see why he has to stay away every year, it is your choice not to go

NotARealWookiie · 15/12/2023 11:56

You aren’t unreasonable - you can’t go because of your health.

They aren’t unreasonable wanting to do their own thing with their dogs.

The unreasonable bit is that you are getting guilted for it. I don’t understand why adults regularly try to make other adults do things they don’t want to do.

HardcoreLadyType · 15/12/2023 11:57

Oh, sorry, cross posted.

They refuse to go anywhere without their dogs? Well, they are making that choice between spending Christmas with their dogs and spending it with their son’s family. 🤷‍♀️

Kangaboo · 15/12/2023 12:03

Why has this become an issue this year after 10 years like this?

SerafinasGoose · 15/12/2023 12:05

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:42

Everyone else stays over , in previous years he’s popped over on Boxing Day morning but there’s the expectation that everyone goes there from Xmas eve - Boxing Day

That expectation is not remotely reasonable.

Once an invitation has been declined it's also rude to keep pestering. When the answer is 'no', what you hear is not what you've decided you wish to hear, but 'no'.

The whole tradition they've set up sounds overbearing. It's funny how often that particular word really means a diktat to do things the way others want you to, rather than your own.

I'd stick to 'no'.