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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

586 replies

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 15/12/2023 12:06

Totally with you, if they can't cope without their dogs they are not very nice anyway. I would never eat somewhere with a dog never mind 3. It's appalling of them to ask you to. Why does he see so much of these selfish people who don't care about his family the rest of the year!?

Gymnopedie · 15/12/2023 12:07

And he said he sees them so much the rest of the year and would rather we all stay together and as I can’t go and dc can’t go he just doesn’t want to

I'm not sure I'm seeing the problem. You can't go, the DC can't go, and DH prioritises time with you rather than his mother. Why isn't he telling his mum to back off, you collectively and he individually are not going. And reiterate to them why.

Boomboom22 · 15/12/2023 12:07

She's happy to see the human parents just not the dogs.

EstherE · 15/12/2023 12:09

harriethoyle · 15/12/2023 11:53

You need to get some help with your phobia, particularly seeing you appear to have passed it on to one of your DC.

This

Lavenderandbrown · 15/12/2023 12:10

Don’t go. You have a medical condition which prevents you from contact with dogs. Do not ruin your holiday by pre medicating and be all dopey and sleepy. And don’t explain the phobia they all will be blah blah about it. IME dog owners cannot leave pets put away or seperated from the festivities. The dog always ends up out and about. If they push have DH ask…surely you don't want DWife and DC in hospital form allergic reaction mum??

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 12:11

Well it’s your tradition to stay at home with your own family. Why would their tradition trump yours.

Dog phobia is annoying but allergies are fair enough. But even if you weren’t allergic you still don’t have to see MIL on Christmas Day.

TiredCatLady · 15/12/2023 12:13

YANBU at all - some posters seem to have missed that it isn’t just a phobia, it’s an outright allergy and with three dogs around, you (and your DC) would be suffering like hell.
You’ve offered to host, they’ve declined because they want things their way or want to bring their dogs.
Your DH has gone over for a few hours but that’s not enough for MIL.
For goodness sake, this one isn’t on you OP.

Littlegoth · 15/12/2023 12:13

Crumblecakes · 15/12/2023 11:42

I think maybe you can take some anti-allergy tablets and go? 10 years is a long time to not see his family on Christmas, I’m sure they will keep the dogs at bay if you ask. Would you not want to see your family on Xmas day for 10 years?
If not your husband can pop over for and hour or 2

NO YOU CAN’T JUST TAkE A PILL

ALLERGIES CAN AND DO KILL

FFS.

Dog allergies trigger asthma. Sometimes asthma medication will help an asthma attack. Sometimes it doesn’t and that person will die.

Sorry for the caps. My partner ended up in hospital a few years ago for this very reason. It was awful. For some reason people seem unwilling to accept how serious dog allergies can be. Any. Allergy. Can. Kill. Antihistamines aren’t a miracle pill that mean you can have gone your allergies. People wouldn’t tell someone with an airborne peanut allergy to just take a pill before they get on a plane. I don’t understand why they do it with dogs.

Pipsquiggle · 15/12/2023 12:13

So the allergies alone YANBU.

Re. the phobia - I would try to get help on this, particularly as you don't want your DC to pick up on it either.

Also, one day you could go for a walk with your wider family and your DC with the dogs which everyone just might enjoy.

It's weird that they don't just come to yours one year as you are allergic. Do they not believe you're allergic? Do you live far away from each other so it would be a hassle if they didn't bring the dogs?

BrimfulOfMash · 15/12/2023 12:14

Good that your DH is on side.

Stay at home and enjoy your Christmas, do what you can to facilitate dog free get togethers at other times.

However, I would say do take a structured supported approach to address your dog phobia. They are ubiquitous out there in parks, cafes, pubs…and houses of your DC’s friends. Your DC’s lives will be very restricted if they live with the same fear.

Meezer · 15/12/2023 12:15

You and your husband have your own children now and can build your own Christmas family 'traditions' .

You MIL should respect this as she thinks family traditions so important. ( It can be hard for MILs to understand they are not Queen Bee in the family now and can't dictate to their adult children/DIL/ grandchildren).

If you see them at other times, and/ or invite them to join you some years, she has no reason to complain. Life changes.

PastelHouses · 15/12/2023 12:15

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

soemptyinside · 15/12/2023 12:15

I think the phobia is irrelevant, TBH. You have an allergy.

If you didn't have DC, I'd say he should go on his own every other year, but as you do... it makes sense you do your own thing together as a family. YANBU.

RuthW · 15/12/2023 12:17

Crumblecakes · 15/12/2023 11:42

I think maybe you can take some anti-allergy tablets and go? 10 years is a long time to not see his family on Christmas, I’m sure they will keep the dogs at bay if you ask. Would you not want to see your family on Xmas day for 10 years?
If not your husband can pop over for and hour or 2

Doesn't work like this! I would be having an asthma attack in ten mins.

Fionaville · 15/12/2023 12:17

We haven't seen my in laws on Christmas day for longer than you. We've been having Christmas day at our own house since the eldest DC was a toddler. Thats Christmas tradition for our DCs. My family and the in laws are always invited. But in laws like Christmas in their house. So that's that. Your DCs stay home on Christmas day, that's your tradition. You're entitled to have your own Christmas day as a family. The dog issue is irrelevant (though a good reason, which should be respected in itself)

Pugdays · 15/12/2023 12:18

Well if u can't ,you can't ,end of

Baneofmyexistence · 15/12/2023 12:19

BrimfulOfMash · 15/12/2023 12:14

Good that your DH is on side.

Stay at home and enjoy your Christmas, do what you can to facilitate dog free get togethers at other times.

However, I would say do take a structured supported approach to address your dog phobia. They are ubiquitous out there in parks, cafes, pubs…and houses of your DC’s friends. Your DC’s lives will be very restricted if they live with the same fear.

Or dog owners could be respectful and accept that not everybody has to like and tolerate dogs?

SgtJuneAckland · 15/12/2023 12:19

I think the allergy makes it impossible, but you should still support with your phobia because it's now impacting your child.

OwOwHolyCow · 15/12/2023 12:21

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either

How allergic? You have everyone responding saying how allergies kill, and they can, but you haven’t specified the extent of your allergies. Eyes streaming and stuffed up sinuses -take a pill. Risk of death-YANBU.

Terrified -I agree with pp you are passing your phobia onto dc so you need to look into conquering the fear somewhat before their fear becomes insurmountable.

Don’t like the smell-well now you’re just sounding like you’re making excuses tbh.

Littlegoth · 15/12/2023 12:22

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 11:52

I mean, obviously you can't help being allergic to dogs and your phobia sounds like a severe one, so if your husband goes over on Boxing Day without you, I think YANBU.

Of course he ought to be able to see his family, but there's no reason why he should spend a full three days with them just because that's their expectation.

Have you sought treatment for your phobia, though? It sounds very extreme, so could/should be treated like any other mental illness. If my own phobia was preventing my partner and I from doing certain things as a couple, I think I would be looking to get treated.

I mean to be fair I’m pretty afraid of the things I’m allergic too, too.

Self preservation and all that 😂

Alainlechat · 15/12/2023 12:23

One of the DC's asthma is triggered by a dog allergy so there is no way I'd subject her to that, we couldn't go.

For the phobia aside from Christmas I would look to get help for the DC at least. One of my DCs developed a dog phobia (based on the behaviour of a relative) and nearly ran into a busy road to avoid a harmless dog. Definitely look to reduce the phobia if severe.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 15/12/2023 12:24

I think a lot of people replying have never had a severe allergic reaction or an asthma attack. YANBU to stay away from a house filled with dogs for health reasons.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2023 12:25

They don’t care about your safety or comfort, you don’t need to care about their feelings. You’ve had a decade of your own family tradition, stick to it and ignore the moaning wallies.

Littlegoth · 15/12/2023 12:25

OwOwHolyCow · 15/12/2023 12:21

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either

How allergic? You have everyone responding saying how allergies kill, and they can, but you haven’t specified the extent of your allergies. Eyes streaming and stuffed up sinuses -take a pill. Risk of death-YANBU.

Terrified -I agree with pp you are passing your phobia onto dc so you need to look into conquering the fear somewhat before their fear becomes insurmountable.

Don’t like the smell-well now you’re just sounding like you’re making excuses tbh.

All allergies can kill.

You are either allergic or you aren’t. There’s no such thing as a ‘bit’ allergic.

Allergies are also progressive. There’s no way of knowing if you are going to have a runny nose or whether this exposure will trigger full blown anaphylaxis. That’s why everyone is arm waving.

User1343 · 15/12/2023 12:26

Putting myself in MIL’s shoes, I would leave my dogs at home and be round to yours to see my son and his wife and my gorgeous grandchildren like a shot.

Don't give this a minute’s more thought. Xx