Page 23 | To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

Rosscameasdoody · 19/12/2023 00:35

LakieLady · 18/12/2023 13:10

If I was dog phobic, now that dogs seem to be around a lot more, eg in pubs, on public transport, shops etc, I would be inclined to get treatment if I could.

I used to be badly bird phobic, so much so that I once fainted on unexpectedly encountering a macaw in a shop. I used to have to cross the road if there was a pigeon on the pavement, couldn't have a picnic in a park or a meal in a pub garden and once had to get an Asda security guard to chase a seagull off the roof of my car so I could get in it. When it got to the point that I feared I might have to give up driving, because the urge to duck and cover my face if a bird flew towards the windscreen was becoming almost impossible to resist, my GP referred me for therapy.

Six sessions of CBT was all it took to reduce it to a manageable level, although I'd still be reluctant to visit a house where they had a bird flying loose. And I didn't realise how stressful constantly being hyper-vigilant when out and about had got until wasn't like it any more.

I'd recommend it to anyone who's seriously phobic about anything relatively commonplace.

Show quote history

But once again, the OP is severely allergic to dogs, so why would she go to such lengths to overcome the phobia associated with that ? She still can’t go near them. And phobia associated with allergy is a naturally occurring bodily response designed to protect the sufferer.

Madamum18 · 19/12/2023 10:17

Onesidedagain · 16/12/2023 09:09

Because this year she is bombarding dh with messages saying he shouldn’t miss out on ‘his’ Christmas ! He has said to her that he wants to be with the dc. In previous years he’s seen them all on Boxing Day but it’s not enough for her. He’s had messages from his siblings too ! It just seems more intense this year-we do see them over the festive period it’s just I can’t be in a house with multiple dogs and we prefer to have Christmas Day altogether

Show quote history

She needs to stop it!! This is YOUR Christmas too as in your family! Tell her that as she is not willing to compromise then she will have to accept the consequences because HIS Christmas and wishes are to be with his children

Mommywomb · 19/12/2023 15:19

Rosscameasdoody · 19/12/2023 00:31

These points have been addressed one by one throughout the thread - numerous times. Medication doesn’t always work for allergies as severe as this and if it does, only for a short time - not to mention the side effects. And it’s not just OP - her son has the same allergy. And the phobia is as a result of the allergy. Not being able to breathe in the presence of dogs triggers a fear defence response in the body - how exactly is that unreasonable ?

Show quote history

@Scotland32 YABU- no smell?!?! We bought a house where previous owners had two dogs- very clean people tbh but I couldn’t bear the smell when we moved! Having a dog makes you nose blind but it’s doesn’t mean that there is no smell!
also phobias are not as simple as you think they are- it’s like oh you’re claustrophobic- you’re being unreasonable and just get in this bunker for a day or two! It doesn’t work like that!

wronginalltherightways · 19/12/2023 16:56

BeenThereDoneThatGotTheTshirt89 · 17/12/2023 18:02

Take an anti allergy tablet. I"m severely allergic to certain dander. However I take medication before going to those with those dogs.

With the phobia you need to make seek some help, 10 years not spending with family is hard. Can they not keep the dogs in another part of the house for you you while you are there?

How can you identify someone who hasn't read the thread without saying they haven't read the thread.🙄

NMOB · 19/12/2023 19:37

I think you are perfectly reasonable to decline based on your allergy & phobia.
However, it’s not reasonable to be annoyed that your offer of hosting is not accepted. Realistically you can’t expect the rest of the family to find dog sitters for Christmas Day or to leave their dogs alone for hours & not drink so as to drive home to care for the dogs.

is this an issue the rest of the year for family events ? Can you never go to your MIL’s?
it would be sad to be missing out based on a phobia ( assuming an antihistamine would make it possible to be around dogs in theory ) & I would definitely suggest getting your DC help for the phobia at the very least. It’s pretty prohibitive to go through life scared of dogs - a lot of families have one & more workplaces , cafes etc now allow dogs.

pikkumyy77 · 19/12/2023 19:42

NMOB · 19/12/2023 19:37

I think you are perfectly reasonable to decline based on your allergy & phobia.
However, it’s not reasonable to be annoyed that your offer of hosting is not accepted. Realistically you can’t expect the rest of the family to find dog sitters for Christmas Day or to leave their dogs alone for hours & not drink so as to drive home to care for the dogs.

is this an issue the rest of the year for family events ? Can you never go to your MIL’s?
it would be sad to be missing out based on a phobia ( assuming an antihistamine would make it possible to be around dogs in theory ) & I would definitely suggest getting your DC help for the phobia at the very least. It’s pretty prohibitive to go through life scared of dogs - a lot of families have one & more workplaces , cafes etc now allow dogs.

Edited

Why the insistence on even handedly finding fault with both sides. OP offered a compromise but it was rejected. if she is annoyed it is because her MIL won’t engage in a good faith negotiation in which each side offers s compromise and is willing to accept a partial success. Instead the MIL is continuing to browbeat OP snd her DH so MIL gets what she wants with no regard to OPs family’s stated needs/wants.

SummerPeach · 20/12/2023 07:12

NMOB · 19/12/2023 19:37

I think you are perfectly reasonable to decline based on your allergy & phobia.
However, it’s not reasonable to be annoyed that your offer of hosting is not accepted. Realistically you can’t expect the rest of the family to find dog sitters for Christmas Day or to leave their dogs alone for hours & not drink so as to drive home to care for the dogs.

is this an issue the rest of the year for family events ? Can you never go to your MIL’s?
it would be sad to be missing out based on a phobia ( assuming an antihistamine would make it possible to be around dogs in theory ) & I would definitely suggest getting your DC help for the phobia at the very least. It’s pretty prohibitive to go through life scared of dogs - a lot of families have one & more workplaces , cafes etc now allow dogs.

Edited

if the family really saw it as a priority to all be together for Christmas - then the compromise is no dogs!!
OP has no intention of being around dogs and that is completely reasonable and acceptable.
Dogs are animals, they can go to kennels or a dog sitter.
if DH’s family is seriously choosing their dogs as company for Christmas rather than daughter in law and grandkids - it speaks volumes tbh and is insulting to say the least. If it were me, I’d just be like ok forget it then - Enjoy your mongrel companions! See you some other time at a location which is dogfree.

SummerPeach · 20/12/2023 09:24

NMOB · 19/12/2023 19:37

I think you are perfectly reasonable to decline based on your allergy & phobia.
However, it’s not reasonable to be annoyed that your offer of hosting is not accepted. Realistically you can’t expect the rest of the family to find dog sitters for Christmas Day or to leave their dogs alone for hours & not drink so as to drive home to care for the dogs.

is this an issue the rest of the year for family events ? Can you never go to your MIL’s?
it would be sad to be missing out based on a phobia ( assuming an antihistamine would make it possible to be around dogs in theory ) & I would definitely suggest getting your DC help for the phobia at the very least. It’s pretty prohibitive to go through life scared of dogs - a lot of families have one & more workplaces , cafes etc now allow dogs.

Edited

Sometimes phobias are perfectly rational and keep us safe.
I have a phobia of dogs myself because of a family walk in the woods turning into watching my little brother almost being mauled to death by a dog who bounded out from the trees without a lead and no recall and a STUPID IRRESPONSIBLE owner.
I also know two lovely little girls who now do not have a father because he died from being bitten by a dog.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/12/2023 09:46

NMOB · 19/12/2023 19:37

I think you are perfectly reasonable to decline based on your allergy & phobia.
However, it’s not reasonable to be annoyed that your offer of hosting is not accepted. Realistically you can’t expect the rest of the family to find dog sitters for Christmas Day or to leave their dogs alone for hours & not drink so as to drive home to care for the dogs.

is this an issue the rest of the year for family events ? Can you never go to your MIL’s?
it would be sad to be missing out based on a phobia ( assuming an antihistamine would make it possible to be around dogs in theory ) & I would definitely suggest getting your DC help for the phobia at the very least. It’s pretty prohibitive to go through life scared of dogs - a lot of families have one & more workplaces , cafes etc now allow dogs.

Edited

Why can’t OP expect them to find dog sitters or make other arrangements ? The family has known for ten years that OP has the allergy and have done nothing about facilitating Christmas without the dogs. They’re expecting OP and her family to make all the accommodations needed so that MiL can play at having a ‘traditional’ family Christmas, when in fact the tradition hasn’t existed for ten years.

And as has been explained numerous times, her allergy is severe, so medication would only work for a short time. It’s not just the dogs, it’s the environment in which they live, so it would make any visit uncomfortable. You also seem to have missed the fact that her son also has the same allergy, not just a phobia. Allergies and phobias go hand in hand. If the effects of the allergy are severe, the body develops the phobia as a kind of ‘prompt’ to stay away from the source of the discomfort. So therapy to address the phobia would be pretty pointless - it wouldn’t facilitate them welcoming dogs into their personal space because the allergy still exists.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/12/2023 09:53

wronginalltherightways · 19/12/2023 16:56

How can you identify someone who hasn't read the thread without saying they haven't read the thread.🙄

Show quote history

Irritating isn’t it. The points about medication and visiting the environment in which the dogs live have been done to death throughout the thread, and still people fill up the posting space, repeating ad nauseam. If only there was some way to see all of the OP’s updates before posting. Oh, wait………….

SapphireSeptember · 20/12/2023 11:21

Reidie · 17/12/2023 13:25

You are being unreasonable . Take an antihistamine and get over yourself . Dogs are family 🎄

Antihistamines don't always work, and sometimes come with nasty side effects. Also I know at least one person who's allergic to them as well, so how would that work?

GrannyRose15 · 20/12/2023 11:43

Mil is not choosing dogs over family. She is choosing having as many of the family as possible together on what will be their last Christmas celebration in their family home. The dogs are irrelevant here. Op is being unreasonable thinking that the whole family coming to hers is a compromise on this occasion.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 20/12/2023 13:03

Ten years ago MiL chose dogs over the member of her family she is now harassing and trying to guilt into going to her home.

I am glad the Op has a sensible husband who chooses his wife's and his child's health over his mother's vanity.

PopandFizz · 20/12/2023 13:54

I love that MIL absolutely cannot leave her beloved dogs to see her DS, DGS and DIL at Christmas. That is unthinkable!

But expects her son to leave his DC and DP!! WHAT?! 😆

If they are still pestering DP I'd get him to send a message that literally says "You don't want to leave your dogs, why can't you understand I don't want to leave my children? One of them is literally allergic to your house, they could die. If you message me about this again I'm just not going to reply"

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/12/2023 14:12

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

I can’t imagine saying to anyone - let alone a member of my family (of course this includes my dil) - that my Christmas traditions matter more than their physical or mental health!

Ds1 and his lovely wife don’t come to us at Christmas - it would be a very long drive for them and our granddaughter is not good in the car. Am I sad about that - of course I am, I’d love to have them here, but their happiness and their needs matter far more to me, so I wouldn’t dream of pressuring or guilting them - that would be utterly selfish of me. I have told them I want them to have the Christmas they want.

sunglassesonthetable · 20/12/2023 16:48

Mil is not choosing dogs over family. She is choosing having as many of the family as possible together on what will be their last Christmas celebration in their family home. The dogs are irrelevant here. Op is being unreasonable thinking that the whole family coming to hers is a compromise on this occasion.

What exactly do you think is a good compromise then?

sunglassesonthetable · 20/12/2023 16:53

@GrannyRose15

Not Breathing? Casualty? Christmas with no Dad?

What compromise do you think is suitable from OP.

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2023 17:01

sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 18:26

*Why would you rather accuse OP and her child of exaggerating up a potentially life threatening allergy than accept that this could result in OP and her child needing emergency treatment?

I don’t get it.*

Agree. Still not clear why this poster knows more about OP's health than the OP ?

🤷‍♀️

Because as I observed previously, there are a number of MNetters who know everything about everything

We should be honoured that they deign to share

Reidie · 20/12/2023 20:15

OP doesn’t seem to grasp the meaning compromise . She hadn’t been for 10 years and if she goes this year she wants the dogs put in kennels . She clearly has no intention of going 🤷‍♀️

sunglassesonthetable · 20/12/2023 20:30

OP doesn’t seem to grasp the meaning compromise . She hadn’t been for 10 years and if she goes this year she wants the dogs put in kennels . She clearly has no intention of going 🤷‍♀️

Of course she hasn't been for 10 years!
She can not BREATHE around dogs.

I expect the "compromise" would be an oxygen tank? 🤷‍♀️😄 You're hilarious.

ExperiencedTeacher · 20/12/2023 20:38

My little boy is severely allergic to dogs (was hospitalised several times as a toddler). Everyone comes to us at Christmas (without their dogs). It’s no big deal when you’re dealing with normal, rational people!

sunglassesonthetable · 20/12/2023 20:42

@Reidie Don't understand your logic AT ALL.

NaughtybutNice77 · 20/12/2023 20:58

Crumblecakes · 15/12/2023 11:42

I think maybe you can take some anti-allergy tablets and go? 10 years is a long time to not see his family on Christmas, I’m sure they will keep the dogs at bay if you ask. Would you not want to see your family on Xmas day for 10 years?
If not your husband can pop over for and hour or 2

But they have offered alternatives so the ILs have chosen not to see them for 10 years too. If you are a couple with young children is it so odd to spend Xmas with just them. By all means visit on boxing day or during the festive break. It's unclear if they live 50mins away or an additional 50mins. Either way that's quite some travelling. You'd hardly spend more time driving than visiting. That's a big chunk out of the day.

Nanaof1 · 21/12/2023 06:24

GrannyRose15 · 20/12/2023 11:43

Mil is not choosing dogs over family. She is choosing having as many of the family as possible together on what will be their last Christmas celebration in their family home. The dogs are irrelevant here. Op is being unreasonable thinking that the whole family coming to hers is a compromise on this occasion.

And OP is choosing her health, both physical and mental over an overbearing MIL who thinks she is more important and her demands are more important, than someone's (Op and her DS) life.
OP and her family will have a wonderful Christmas and at the end of the day, everyone will still be able to breathe. Win-win for OP and her family unit.

JassyRadlett · 21/12/2023 08:03

Reidie · 20/12/2023 20:15

OP doesn’t seem to grasp the meaning compromise . She hadn’t been for 10 years and if she goes this year she wants the dogs put in kennels . She clearly has no intention of going 🤷‍♀️

Again I'll ask - what would a compromise look like, taking "OP and her child being able to breathe" as a non-negotiable?