To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

[Onesidedagain]

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

Did they know about your allergy before getting the dog? They’ve brought this on themselves if so. What did they expect!

YANBU. They chose the dogs not your DH and his family.

Dog owners visited and were surprised that we didn't want their dog in the house that had never had a dog in it. Some people do lose perspective.

This is a bit of a silly comment, of course there’s still a point of getting over the phobia. If not for the phobia then there could be lots of times when they could all go for a lovely walk together, with the dogs, to the park etc for the kids, sit outside at a cafe and have a coffee etc. That doesn’t involve “cosying up to” the dogs, infact OP wouldn’t have to come into contact with the dogs at all, but it would be a chance for everyone to get together for a bit.

And even if you take the family pets out of the equation, if this phobia is so severe it’s passed on to your child then why WOULDN’T you want to tackle that? It’s one thing as an adult to just restrict your life to cater to your fear, so avoiding the beach, avoiding parks, avoiding cafes (and at least where I am 90% of the cafes are dog friendly now), but to put your child in the same position? Why wouldn’t you want to at least try to tackle that?

The allergy is one thing and obviously cannot be helped, but the phobia absolutely can be.

Why are they expecting you to spend Christmas with a runny nose, itchy eyes and upset kids? They need to compromise.

@Onesidedagain how do you manage for the rest of the year?
Do they visit you without their dogs in tow? Do you and the DC see them often?

And you are not at all concerned that one of your children has developed an irrational phobia because of you?

One PP said to propose Boxing Day pub lunch out - such a reasonable solution!

I think that you are being unreasonable and I say this as someone who suffers from phobias and allergies. I think that you should at least try going for a couple hours for lunch some time to see how you actually survive, providing that they keep the dog in another room and that they dust and vacuum first. I also feel as though you should at least do something about your phobia too. It's hard to go anywhere without encountering a dog and it must be so restrictive finding out whether someone has a dog before visiting them.

A phobia that prevented me doing very normal things, and that I was aware I’d inflicted onto my child would be something I’d be seeking to address professionally. It’s no way to live OP. I assume the allergy is genuine, and not a cover for the phobia (I only say this because in my experience it’s the more common excuse people who don’t like/are scared of dogs give as it’s more socially acceptable).

You’re absolutely not unreasonable to not want to go in these circs, and his family are absolutely are for not making any effort to spend time with you all despite multiple offers from you over the years.

i hope you can work on the phobia in the future though, for yours and your DC’s sake

So how do you/DC see them the rest of the year? You never go to their house? Is the non allergic child allowed to visit?

It all sounds very extreme and I agree with PP that for your child’s sake you might at least work on addressing their fear of dogs, which is probably learned behaviour from you.

Dh is allergic to cats and grass - visiting my parents he takes antihistamines, same as when his dm used to visit, she’d take antihistamines. They’re not likely to all put their dogs into kennels over Christmas so you host. It’s fine not to go but your expectations that everyone will change their lives around you is unrealistic. (We have lots of allergies in our family but we manage them without making them someone else’s issue - exception being no coconut in food as it triggers dd3’s asthma).

what have you done to manage your phobia? Reality is people love their dogs and they’re a daily part of their life whereas you’ll be a guest a few times a year max. As much as you’d like people to understand, people aren’t very tolerant of phobias.

If you are allergic, they can’t really host Christmas. The house will be full of dander even if cleaned well. That they decline your offer to host means the lack of family celebration is 100% on them. They obviously don’t actually care about their son or his family.

No not at all because it may not even be because of me. Growing up my whole family had dogs (this is how i found out I was allergic) my siblings all loved dogs nobody was scared except me . One of my dc also loves dogs . I think people just are how they are when it comes to phobias.

i don’t have the time or money to access therapy for a phobia I can put up with. It’s not affecting mine or dc daily lives as we know what to avoid

Rest of the year we usually see them with the dc once or twice a month they pop over to us or we go to a cafe . Dh sees them more regularly he will sometimes pop over to help with dit or whatever

*diy

They just like to be at home hosting at Christmas and they like the dogs involved - we used to go to their house lots before they got dogs

The fact you’re saying “as we know what to avoid” means actually it 100% is affecting your daily lives. If you are having to actively avoid something in order to not trigger your phobia, that is affecting your daily life, and that of your children.

We are managing though it’s not a big deal usually but it is when it comes to MIL Christmas plans.

Even without an allergy or phobia it’s not
unreasonable to not want to go and spend
time in a house that smells of dogs (every house with a dog smells, no matter what anyone says).

That's a stretch, of course they care or they wouldn't have invited the son and his family. They just also love their dogs, and their dogs are with them a lot more of the time than their son, who presumably left home years ago. Lots of people have dogs as company, myself including, and consider them to be family members too.

Your DH needs to just tell them that he wants to spend a family Xmas with you and the kids and he will see them another day. Don't even start entertaining their drama.

At the point you have to plan your day to avoid triggers for your phobia, it is a big deal OP. You’re an adult and you can make that choice for yourself but your children are just that- children. They shouldn’t have to avoid parks etc just because you have a phobia of them.

You say that but from the POV of the inlaws and every other member of the family, it's the OP that's causing drama. She hasn't taken her kids for a family Christmas in 10 years, so no wonder they're a bit narked off. The idea that none of them should have got dogs because she doesn't like them and won't come for Christmas otherwise is completely unreasonable.

So MiL knew you had an allergy and phobia and still got a dog. And another dog. And expects you to come and stay? She is being totally unreasonable. As for traditions… well she created her own tradition with her family and you are doing the same with yours…. You have offered to host without the dogs and they have declined. I can’t see any issues at all! It’s not like you don’t see them. She is being unreasonable, and DH should tell her so.

@CalistoNoSolo If my husband spent christmas day with others rather than me, then he would be my ex!!