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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

586 replies

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

OP posts:
Nospecialcharactersplease · 15/12/2023 13:22

I have no idea why anyone would pressure someone to be in their house under sufferance. I’m always inviting people to our house but no is a perfectly acceptable response!

Boomboom22 · 15/12/2023 13:25

Thing is though, it is not irrational to be scared of those teeth which tbf kill people.
Also even without a phobia they are extremely unpleasant, houses with them stink, you can't eat without then panting near you and generally not being safe for young children.
And dog owners mostly prove themselves to be untrustworthy, lying about keeping it back, emotional blackmail, general uncaringness and saying things like it will lick you to death or only being friendly instead of keeping the ugly thing away from others.

TurningtheLightOff · 15/12/2023 13:26

The relatives are being unreasonable. They could come to you, or there could be a suggestion of renting a holiday home if there are enough people, or even go somewhere external for Christmas lunch one year.

It speaks volumes that they are being so inflexible. They could compromise every third year or something.

Lemsipper · 15/12/2023 13:27

don’t go to the christmas, fine.

BUT

You need to get over your dog phobia for the sake of your children. And take it seriously. A child terrified of dogs simply because you are is really ridiculous, and unfair - you need to do better on that front.

Original poster
Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 13:29

Lemsipper · 15/12/2023 13:27

don’t go to the christmas, fine.

BUT

You need to get over your dog phobia for the sake of your children. And take it seriously. A child terrified of dogs simply because you are is really ridiculous, and unfair - you need to do better on that front.

One dc is the other isn’t - I don’t have time for therapy for a phobia I can live with. Dogs outside fine I avoid parks and dog friendly cafes etc. that’s why I avoid a house full of dogs too !

OP posts:
adorablecat · 15/12/2023 13:31

You are dodging a bullet by not being there. Dog people are generally weird in other ways.

geoger · 15/12/2023 13:33

OP, how much of this is phobia and how much is allergies?
I don’t think you are being unreasonable. DH has a severe dog allergy (he’s ok with hypoallergenic dogs). He can’t go into a house with dogs without having a severe allergic reaction nor can he get into a car with someone who has dogs who travel in it. In fact, when people come to our house and they have dog hairs on them he still has an allergic reaction!
Allergies are serious, the phobia can be treated

Newestname002 · 15/12/2023 13:34

@Onesidedagain

we want to spend the day with our dc as a family - he doesn’t want to drive there and back and not have a drink etc And he said he sees them so much the rest of the year and would rather we all stay together and as I can’t go and dc can’t go he just doesn’t want to

Sounds fair enough - maybe you and DH can have your own traditions and have your own Christmas in a dog free home. 🌹

Lemsipper · 15/12/2023 13:36

adorablecat · 15/12/2023 13:31

You are dodging a bullet by not being there. Dog people are generally weird in other ways.

What stupid & ironic remark.

HardcoreLadyType · 15/12/2023 13:36

adorablecat · 15/12/2023 13:31

You are dodging a bullet by not being there. Dog people are generally weird in other ways.

As a dog lover, I resemble this remark.

HellOfAnAngel · 15/12/2023 13:38

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

Then your husband needs to tell them firmly that they are a barrier because you don’t want to spent the day having allergy symptoms or feeling uncomfortable, and that he wants to spend the day with you and the children. Then he needs to ignore or say that the answer is still the same if they continue to ask.

Don’t even think about it anymore, it’s not a possibility, they’re being dismissive and rude so stop giving them any headspace.

Mrsttcno1 · 15/12/2023 13:40

Although it is probably too late for this year, I think it’s probably worth seeing if there is a compromise for next year so that you could all spend some time together, obviously not the entire 3 days but you could slot something in if all of you would be willing to compromise a little bit?

For example could you agree that for next year you will go to them for a few hours on Christmas Eve on the condition that either the dogs will be elsewhere, or is there an activity you could do together outside of the house for a few hours on Christmas Eve? An ice rink, a local park with christmas lights, a cafe/pub for some lunch etc, then have your Christmas day separate, and on Boxing Day they agree to come to you for lunch and leave the dogs at home?

I think realistically there’s no compromise which allows you all to spend an entire day/night together because they do have dogs, so they can’t leave their dogs all day and night to be elsewhere. We have this compromise in our family, a few of us have dogs but not all of us, we just meet up to do things with the non-dog people, those of us with dogs have trained them to be happy enough at home alone for a few hours while we are out, but we wouldn’t be able to accept an invite to go stay with non-dog people overnight over Christmas as we do have a dog and he obviously can’t be left alone for 24 hours, so it is give and take. It’s incredibly difficult to find a dog sitter between Christmas and New Year also so that option doesn’t really exist, the best ones take this period of time off for a well deserved break, so maybe just some negotiation and willingness to compromise could be the solution for you :) x

ModeWeasel · 15/12/2023 13:42

What would you do if the roles were reversed and it was your parents?

CrebillionFils · 15/12/2023 13:43

The dog phobia/allergy is a red herring. The real issue is your DH’s family trying to steamroll you into spending Christmas with them.

Yes they are allowed to have feelings like disappointment and nostalgia for the things have changed. It also can be lovely (well for some people) when your family of origin can all be together on Christmas. BUT that doesn’t mean that you can try and manipulate a sibling or child into spending big holidays with you when they want to start their own traditions with their partner or children.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 15/12/2023 13:44

geoger · 15/12/2023 13:33

OP, how much of this is phobia and how much is allergies?
I don’t think you are being unreasonable. DH has a severe dog allergy (he’s ok with hypoallergenic dogs). He can’t go into a house with dogs without having a severe allergic reaction nor can he get into a car with someone who has dogs who travel in it. In fact, when people come to our house and they have dog hairs on them he still has an allergic reaction!
Allergies are serious, the phobia can be treated

But what is the point of treating her phobia when the allergy means she still wouldn't be able to cosy up to dogs? She might as well leave things as they are and not be hassled about it.

If her child is afraid but not allergic, then someone other than OH, who has a good medical reason for not doing it, might help the child get over the fear. If the child is allergic, there is not a lot to be done about the child's phobia either.

Sunnytomorrow · 15/12/2023 13:44

A new family tradition needs to be found that suits everyone better. Perhaps instead the dog-owners could have a lovely long dog walk on Christmas Day morning, then leave the dogs at home to sleep for a few hours while you all meet for a pub meal instead (or, as you suggested, host at yours)?

That way, MIL gets the ‘whole family’ get together she wants, you aren’t forced to be in a house with dogs, and even the dogs are kept happy!

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 13:45

Some very unhelpful comments here about her dog phobia /allergies.

I think her MIL pressuring them to go to her house for Xmas up to boxing day is the main issue here. Stick to your guns and enjoy your Christmas , trust me when I say don't let in-laws dictate what you do.

FictionalCharacter · 15/12/2023 13:46

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:42

Everyone else stays over , in previous years he’s popped over on Boxing Day morning but there’s the expectation that everyone goes there from Xmas eve - Boxing Day

Nobody has the right to "expect" someone with an allergy to go somewhere where they're exposed to their allergy. They're being selfish.

Bordesleyhills · 15/12/2023 13:47

Serious dog lover here but I get it- can’t they bring the pooches , leaving them in their car when they come to you? Are you ok with if someone’s been with a dog that the hair doesn’t affect you?

Collie86 · 15/12/2023 13:49

@Boomboom22 exactly!! I've seen someone prepare food with three slobbering dogs jumping up at the counter.. hair everywhere.. just disgusting. One large dog and two yappy small ones and they never stopped them from jumping on people and scaring them.

Original poster
Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 13:49

roarrfeckingroar · 15/12/2023 13:13

You really need to get help for your irrational fear of dogs

To me it’s not irrational- I have a severe allergy to dogs (and cats but they only have dogs), I’m also scared of them plus I detest the smell / dog hair etc it’s a sensory issue it makes me feel sick

OP posts:
FreeRider · 15/12/2023 13:54

@Baneofmyexistence Amen. My best friend of 20 years got a puppy last year - I absolutely loathe dogs, they stink (even when supposedly clean) and are filthy animals. He knew all this, but has spent the last year nagging me to meet the damn thing. Not going to happen, especially as he's refusing to have it neutered and he's always whinging about it trying to 'hump' him all the time...and it's not a small dog.

He just seem to get it through his thick skull that I want nothing to do with it. I hate this blindness dog owners have, their refusal to accept that not everyone wants their fucking animal in every social situation.

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 13:54

Its not irrational at all , my son use to get so upset and frustrated about his fear . Doesn't help when some say , oh but he's friendly ..it's not the point .
He's got better but it's still there and I'd never pressure him that's not how It works (even Dog whisperer says that himself)

mrswhiplington · 15/12/2023 13:55

Katiesaidthat · 15/12/2023 11:45

I would decline. They want dogs? They can have them, but it has some consequences and these are "it". They can have as many "expectations"as they like, not your problem. Stick to your guns.

This with knobs on.

tattygrl · 15/12/2023 13:55

Littlegoth · 15/12/2023 12:37

@Pipsquiggle No, your friend’s previous allergic reactions have been mild. That doesn’t mean that her future reactions will be mild.

Your window cleaner most likely started with a runny nose too. Once your body has a severe reaction to something though it has a severe reaction every single time.

It’s not a spectrum. You are allergic or you aren’t, and every single exposure carries the risk of anaphylaxis.

I’ll say it again. If this was a nut or food allergy no one would be saying there’s a ‘spectrum’ but for some reason, people have a blind spot with animals. There is no special allergy range if the allergen is cute and fluffy.

Edited

Thank you for your repeated explanations that people just don't seem to want to hear. People really resist believing how unpredictable and serious ALL allergies are, because it's inconvenient. Makes like very scary for those of us with allergies or loved ones with them. We know people don't want to believe how serious it is.