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Original poster

To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

586 replies

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 15/12/2023 12:53

@Littlegoth even though my friend has been managing her cat allergy in this way for 50+ years? I am pretty sure she has no anxiety about going into anaphylaxis shock even if she had forgotten to take the piriton.

My window cleaner has always had severe reactions to dogs (so he tells me) which is why he is so vigilant.

tealfluff · 15/12/2023 12:54

It’s perfectly normal to have Christmas at home as a family - you don’t even need the dogs as an excuse. That’s your tradition now. We’ve done this since the DC were born too.

BalloonSalesperson · 15/12/2023 12:54

and tablets don't help!

It's always trotted out, isn't it? Just take an antihistamine.
I think that would work for very few people. It also doesn't deal with the pervading smell which makes me feel permanently queasy.

user1492757084 · 15/12/2023 12:56

Suggest your husband goes over for part of Christmas Eve when he can extend an invitation for his family (no dogs) to have Christmas Day at your home next year.
Don't make it an over night two day invitation and they might leave their dogs at home for a few hours. Impress upon the family that your children would love to help host them.

2Rebecca · 15/12/2023 13:00

Why are his siblings pestering him? He's not missing out on a family Christmas, he's having Christmas with his family.
I don't understand why some people try emotionally manipulating other adults about this one day. You invite people for Christmas, you have Christmas with those who accept and wish those who decline a good one.
No-one is spending Christmas on their own. I don't see his sister's issue here.

Beautiful3 · 15/12/2023 13:03

It's just one day. Keep saying no thanks, because of the dogs. My youngest had a phobia, there's no snapping her out of it. Wouldn't dream of making her do something that would trigger it. She's thankfully over it now, thanks to hypnotherapy.

Sundayrain · 15/12/2023 13:03

I'm allergic to dogs and get this attitude of 'just take an antihistamine and stop making a fuss' all the time. I've even had friends and family have a go at me, accusing me of suggesting their house is dirty. For me it's not just skin and hayfever-like reactions, it also triggers my asthma and now that I'm older and more confident I absolutely refuse to spend time in houses where I will end up feeling like I can't breathe, taking my inhaler and struggling with rashes and streaming eyes and nose. I have a blanket policy of 'sorry I won't be able to come to your house as I'm allergic to dogs, but you're welcome to come to ours...' and if pushed I just say 'no I won't be able to I'm afraid, but you're welcome to come to ours...' and just refuse to engage any further. Nobody asks to have allergies, it's miserable and there's nothing wrong with protecting yourself and refusing to put yourself in a situation which will make you ill.

ComputerIsSayingNo · 15/12/2023 13:05

Your phobia is understandable as you’re allergic. To those saying just take tablets really don’t understand allergies. Anti-histamine an only block one specific type of mediator that is released. You still have the allergy response and react to the other stuff it just stops one specific histamine receptor.
@Onesidedagain you are a new generation, I’m guessing they don’t all go to the poor grandparents of your DH, why is it this generation? Things change and I hate enforced “it’s tradition” rules. Have a lovely Christmas with your family

ComputerIsSayingNo · 15/12/2023 13:06

CalistoNoSolo · 15/12/2023 11:39

Why can't he go on his own?

I actually like my family and would prefer my DH spends it with us. If he went on his own that would signal to me the marriage is over

BalloonSalesperson · 15/12/2023 13:06

But annoying people suggesting you get treatment for your dog phobia. I have a massive dog phobia and pretty much everyone I know has a dog!!! But it doesn’t mean I go near the dogs…I just respectfully say I’m afraid of dogs and if it bothers them then I’ll make alternative plans.
why should people with phobia get treated? Maybe people with dogs who feel that way should have lessons in empathy

I feel much the same. I'm fine outdoors with dogs running around or walking by.
What makes me anxious is when they come jumping up at me, or being forced into the same room as them on their territory. I also won't have one in my house.

They also make me cough and sneeze indoors so that's reason enough to avoid them.

ComputerIsSayingNo · 15/12/2023 13:07

ComputerIsSayingNo · 15/12/2023 13:05

Your phobia is understandable as you’re allergic. To those saying just take tablets really don’t understand allergies. Anti-histamine an only block one specific type of mediator that is released. You still have the allergy response and react to the other stuff it just stops one specific histamine receptor.
@Onesidedagain you are a new generation, I’m guessing they don’t all go to the poor grandparents of your DH, why is it this generation? Things change and I hate enforced “it’s tradition” rules. Have a lovely Christmas with your family

Sorry meant to tag @Crumblecakes and forgot to add that’s even before you get to the level of anaphylaxis. Sadly people don’t believe allergies are real or you can lick and choose when to eat it

whynotwhatknot · 15/12/2023 13:09

my late dm was terrified of dogs-they jumped she freaked out noting would have elped

people are so dismissive of phobias

my dh hasnt spent xmas with his family for years they dont kick off

saraclara · 15/12/2023 13:09

harriethoyle · 15/12/2023 11:53

You need to get some help with your phobia, particularly seeing you appear to have passed it on to one of your DC.

Yep. And I speak as someone who has/had a phobia (now largely under control). As soon as I had my first baby I recognised the danger of passing it on/restricting them, so addressed the problem. My kids are now adults and I can truly say it's had no effect on them at all.

Holidayhell22 · 15/12/2023 13:09

I would suggest a meet up on neutral ground either Boxing Day or the day after. Have a pub lunch.
If they refuse they say sorry we can’t come to yours.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 15/12/2023 13:09

Littlegoth
I’ll say it again. If this was a nut or food allergy no one would be saying there’s a ‘spectrum’

The denial that you might know better than them about your own health is there, though slightly differently phrased. What they tend to say is "oh, a little bit won't hurt, will it?" at you. Just as if that were the case for many people – my friend with the lactose intolerance used to get symptoms if someone stirred her black coffee with a spoon they'd just used to stir their white coffee. And her symptoms sometimes included crippling arthritis for about three days. I wish people wouldn't be so ready to deny what an individual knows about her own food problem!

The only way I've got any respect for my particular food allergy from the gapwits is by adding "and peanuts" to it. These knowitalls do seem to know that peanut allergy may kill people, so they back off.

Brefugee · 15/12/2023 13:09

Crumblecakes · 15/12/2023 11:42

I think maybe you can take some anti-allergy tablets and go? 10 years is a long time to not see his family on Christmas, I’m sure they will keep the dogs at bay if you ask. Would you not want to see your family on Xmas day for 10 years?
If not your husband can pop over for and hour or 2

it doesn't stop The Smell Of Dog though, even if they are effective and don't make you drowsy.

OP is allowed to have the Christmas she wants, and her DH has decided his Christmas is with her.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 15/12/2023 13:10

Your allergies trump her sensitivities.

Carry on refusing.

roarrfeckingroar · 15/12/2023 13:13

You really need to get help for your irrational fear of dogs

Whiskeypowers · 15/12/2023 13:13

The fact that he’s popped over before suggested they’re not that far away.
i have a dog and love dogs. But I would leave my dog at home on her own -after a good walk for a snooze in a quiet house - if it meant that for genuine reasons that would be the only way I’d get to see my close family for a few hours one afternoon over Christmas.
you don’t owe them any more of an explanation and they are choosing to behave this way. You aren’t.
the people sabotaging the family time in this instance are your MIL and the rest of them.

IncompleteSenten · 15/12/2023 13:14

Your husband should remind them that you are his family.

You've offered perfectly fine alternatives and if they arent good enough, that's their choice.

Outlookmainlyfair · 15/12/2023 13:16

Not all dog people are the same! I love my dog but if this was my son and DIL I would not pester, I would not pester I would accept your kind invitation and leave the dogs at home!

thesixleggedpsychopathonthetrain · 15/12/2023 13:18

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:42

Everyone else stays over , in previous years he’s popped over on Boxing Day morning but there’s the expectation that everyone goes there from Xmas eve - Boxing Day

"expectations' 😂your husband needs to tell them it's not happening, end of.

Anisette · 15/12/2023 13:18

If they've managed without your husband at Christmas for 10 years, why has it suddenly become an issue?

GuitarGeorgina · 15/12/2023 13:19

Of course you can’t go if you are allergic to dogs.

invite them to you without dogs or, probably more feasible, arrange to meet for a meal somewhere neutral. Those are both perfectly reasonable compromise solutions.

Brefugee · 15/12/2023 13:20

We have several family members with dogs and i'm allergic enough not to be able to go in their houses which are always a huge trigger (plus they smell of dog which makes me want to retch) so we meet them outside and they always want to hug me (which triggers my asthma because dog hair is everywhere) and get really stroppy when i decline. Etc etc.

But i remember the time i found out i was deathly allergic to guinea pigs and I really thought i was going to die. So i don't put myself, or anyone else, in the position of coming anywhere near things they are allergic to.

Phobias are interesting. I'm petrified of spiders and i have no intention of ever getting treatment for that.