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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

586 replies

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

OP posts:
HardcoreLadyType · 15/12/2023 12:28

Well, exactly@Littlegoth. It’s not hugely surprising that someone allergic to dogs would develop a phobia about them. In fact, a phobia is defined as an irrational fear, but fear of the thing that gives you allergies is not really irrational at all.

MrsSlocombesCat · 15/12/2023 12:28

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 11:52

I mean, obviously you can't help being allergic to dogs and your phobia sounds like a severe one, so if your husband goes over on Boxing Day without you, I think YANBU.

Of course he ought to be able to see his family, but there's no reason why he should spend a full three days with them just because that's their expectation.

Have you sought treatment for your phobia, though? It sounds very extreme, so could/should be treated like any other mental illness. If my own phobia was preventing my partner and I from doing certain things as a couple, I think I would be looking to get treated.

I also have a phobia of dogs and I don’t think anyone should be obliged to have treatment. I don’t want to overcome my phobia because I don’t want to be around dogs. It’s not like a phobia of spiders, dogs can hurt you and be aggressive which is what caused my phobia in the first place. As the OP is also allergic why should she have to overcome the phobia? It doesn’t make any sense.

Crumblecakes · 15/12/2023 12:29

Littlegoth · 15/12/2023 12:13

NO YOU CAN’T JUST TAkE A PILL

ALLERGIES CAN AND DO KILL

FFS.

Dog allergies trigger asthma. Sometimes asthma medication will help an asthma attack. Sometimes it doesn’t and that person will die.

Sorry for the caps. My partner ended up in hospital a few years ago for this very reason. It was awful. For some reason people seem unwilling to accept how serious dog allergies can be. Any. Allergy. Can. Kill. Antihistamines aren’t a miracle pill that mean you can have gone your allergies. People wouldn’t tell someone with an airborne peanut allergy to just take a pill before they get on a plane. I don’t understand why they do it with dogs.

Edited
Show quote history

OKAY THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW

Littlegoth · 15/12/2023 12:30

Crumblecakes · 15/12/2023 12:29

OKAY THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW

Show quote history

YOU ARE VERY WELCOME 😂

I was quoting you but it wasn’t actually replying to you. Hoping it stands out when people are scanning the threat and then they learn something.

It’s really tough when you have allergies. Family members ask me if I’m ‘still’ allergic to something, when they remember they’ve put it in the meal I’m about to put in my mouth. I carry epipens for my 3 year old and my 5 month old, and people ask why I don’t just give them an antihistamine and then get mad when I respond - well if that worked I wouldn’t need to carry epipens, would I? As if I’m just not doing it right 😂 take a pill wobbles my beehive on it 😂

ScribblingPixie · 15/12/2023 12:31

It’s allergy plus severe phobia and one of the dc is the same

You'd be doing your child a favour if you worked on that phobia - they've perhaps picked that up from you and won't do them any favours in life now everywhere is so dog-friendly.

RampantIvy · 15/12/2023 12:34

CICTGIGF · 15/12/2023 11:47

People are very dismissive of allergies and phobias and seem to assume they can be switched on and off when you feel like it.
I wouldn’t go in your shoes. They chose to have dogs knowing you are allergic/phobic, they should have realised you not going there again would be a natural consequence of that. Don’t ruin your Christmas for them wanting full control of it all. You’ve given them other options which they won’t accept so just leave it like that.

Yes, clearly 14% of voters on this thread don't understand allergies.

"Just take an antihistamine" doesn't work for a lot of pet allergies. For a start you are in an enclosed space. Also, I doubt that the pet owner has cleaned enough for the allergy sufferer to stay symptom free, even after taking antihistamines. DD is also horribly allergic to cats @FrenchandSaunders. She likes cats, and can stroke one outside providing she washes her hands straight afterwards and doesn't touch her face.

Notsureofname2 · 15/12/2023 12:34

I don’t think iou should go. But annoying people suggesting you get treatment for your dog phobia. I have a massive dog phobia and pretty much everyone I know has a dog!!! But it doesn’t mean I go near the dogs…I just respectfully say I’m afraid of dogs and if it bothers them then I’ll make alternative plans.
why should people with phobia get treated? Maybe people with dogs who feel that way should have lessons in empathy

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 12:34

It's your Christmas too , you've offered to host it at yours which they have declined.
Id stand firm and carry on doing what you want and leave your husband to deal with his family
When you have a child they want to be at home to play with their presents anyway.
If they want to see you all then they have to understand why you can't go over there.
My son is petrified of dogs and I wouldn't put him through that just to please family neither should you do that to yourself.

MrsSlocombesCat · 15/12/2023 12:34

OwOwHolyCow · 15/12/2023 12:21

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either

How allergic? You have everyone responding saying how allergies kill, and they can, but you haven’t specified the extent of your allergies. Eyes streaming and stuffed up sinuses -take a pill. Risk of death-YANBU.

Terrified -I agree with pp you are passing your phobia onto dc so you need to look into conquering the fear somewhat before their fear becomes insurmountable.

Don’t like the smell-well now you’re just sounding like you’re making excuses tbh.

It’s fine not to like dogs or not want to be around them. I have dog phobia and everyone knows I won’t go to their houses if they get a dog. My children and grandchildren don’t have dog phobia, but my youngest son doesn’t like dogs because they smell. That’s an issue for me too. They’re not the cleanest of animals are they?

tdino · 15/12/2023 12:35

I agree with the phobia help comments. I have dogs, my sister in law has a phobia.

I pop them in another room or carafe if she is here.

She's now comfortable to be here. I warn her if I'm taking them out. She goes into the sitting room.

She can be in the house with them now. Actually we managed a walk with them one day.

I wouldn't force her, she wouldn't ask me to remove the, from house.

MigGirl · 15/12/2023 12:35

Don't go, to be honest we've had this issue with our in-laws. I'm allergic to dogs and while it wasn't to bad when they just had one, once they had 5 I had a bigger issue and anti allergy tablets Don't fully help. DS has asthma to and once the kids stayed but I hadn't realised they let the dogs sleep on the spare bed. She had changed the bedding but it didn't help and he had an asthma attack in the night.

We no longer stay and don't go over much (doesn't help the dogs aren't that well behaved either) they used to bark at DS and I'm surprised he hasn't ended up scared of them.

But in-laws think the world of their dogs and wouldn't shut them out or leave them to vist us either. I've decided it's there choice to put the dogs above family and we just don't see them much.

TiredCatLady · 15/12/2023 12:35

ScribblingPixie · 15/12/2023 12:31

It’s allergy plus severe phobia and one of the dc is the same

You'd be doing your child a favour if you worked on that phobia - they've perhaps picked that up from you and won't do them any favours in life now everywhere is so dog-friendly.

I read this as the DC also has a dog allergy…

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 12:35

Sorry was meant to put if they want to see you all then they will have to come to you instead.

Pipsquiggle · 15/12/2023 12:35

The thing is with pet allergies - they do tend to manifest on a spectrum.

e.g. my window cleaner has a severe allergy to dogs, he has an epi pen and inhaler. Before he comes round he ensures the dog is inside even though we have a doodle type dog. I have no issue with this, he has been hospitalised in the past.
My friend is allergic to cats - she gets streaming eyes. If she takes a piriton, she is fine. She does this, as she wants to see people in their homes.

It would be useful to know where OP is on this spectrum.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2023 12:37

Notsureofname2 · 15/12/2023 12:34

I don’t think iou should go. But annoying people suggesting you get treatment for your dog phobia. I have a massive dog phobia and pretty much everyone I know has a dog!!! But it doesn’t mean I go near the dogs…I just respectfully say I’m afraid of dogs and if it bothers them then I’ll make alternative plans.
why should people with phobia get treated? Maybe people with dogs who feel that way should have lessons in empathy

Up to you but it would make your life easier.

Same as if you were really phobic of spiders or something else really commonplace

Littlegoth · 15/12/2023 12:37

@Pipsquiggle No, your friend’s previous allergic reactions have been mild. That doesn’t mean that her future reactions will be mild.

Your window cleaner most likely started with a runny nose too. Once your body has a severe reaction to something though it has a severe reaction every single time.

It’s not a spectrum. You are allergic or you aren’t, and every single exposure carries the risk of anaphylaxis.

I’ll say it again. If this was a nut or food allergy no one would be saying there’s a ‘spectrum’ but for some reason, people have a blind spot with animals. There is no special allergy range if the allergen is cute and fluffy.

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 12:40

My son has a phobia and actually I love dogs and had them as a child .

Can't stand all these comments about having to just get over it , it's not that easy .
Just as much as any fear , I hate heights should I go climb a tree ?? Typical of those who don't get why anyone would be scared. I have sympathy and I actually love them myself .
And it's the mum who has the fear btw , there's plenty of people scared of spiders and rats too ya know.

Thankfully a therapy dog in my son's school has helped him but he still is wary of big dogs bounding over to him , and at 7 I don't blame him tbh .

qazxc · 15/12/2023 12:43

YANBU. You can't be around dogs and you have offered a reasonable alternative that would allow the whole family to be together at Christmas.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 15/12/2023 12:43

If my own phobia was preventing my partner and I from doing certain things as a couple, I think I would be looking to get treated.

If OP loved dogs, they still wouldn't be able to go for Christmas, because she's allergic. So her feelings towards dogs aren't particularly relevant.

luckylavender · 15/12/2023 12:45

Crumblecakes · 15/12/2023 11:42

I think maybe you can take some anti-allergy tablets and go? 10 years is a long time to not see his family on Christmas, I’m sure they will keep the dogs at bay if you ask. Would you not want to see your family on Xmas day for 10 years?
If not your husband can pop over for and hour or 2

People always trot out this nonsense. Why should she suffer at Christmas? She's both allergic to and terrified of dogs.

EverySporkIsSacred · 15/12/2023 12:45

How (and why) is OP supposed to "work on her phobia" when she's allergic to the things she has a phobia of?!

In any case, no you're NBU, new generations means new traditions and you and your DH are entitled to want to spend Christmas together with your DC and not have to pander to other adults who are deliberately being objectionable.

BalloonSalesperson · 15/12/2023 12:46

I’m sure they will keep the dogs at bay if you ask

Often people promise that they will, but then they don't.
I have a relative with a German Shepherd. Twice I've visited and she's promised to keep the dog in the back garden. Both times it's run down the garden path towards us, barking. She backtracked and said see how it goes, if it bothers you we'll put in the the back garden later.

Well it's already bothered me to the point I'm not coming in. Cheers.

LittleMonks11 · 15/12/2023 12:46

Crumblecakes · 15/12/2023 11:42

I think maybe you can take some anti-allergy tablets and go? 10 years is a long time to not see his family on Christmas, I’m sure they will keep the dogs at bay if you ask. Would you not want to see your family on Xmas day for 10 years?
If not your husband can pop over for and hour or 2

His family is OP and their DC.

'Keep the dogs at bay'? Have you met dog people?

caringcarer · 15/12/2023 12:47

I don't see the problem. You spend Xmas with DH and DC at home and DH pop across on Boxing day. You've offered to host minus dogs and in-laws would clearly prefer to spend Xmas day with their dogs. YANBU.

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 12:49

Tbh it's easier for them to come see you all round but I'm guessing they will probably say they can't leave their dogs lol.

They know you're allergic and have a phobia on top so if it were me and my children I would come to you instead
( tbh I hope when my children get older they might host us one day for a change 😂) long way off yet ...