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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
Domino20 · 14/12/2023 15:37

Sorry to be harsh but yes, you absolutely should have expected it when having children with someone who already has kids.

DailyMailHater · 14/12/2023 15:38

You are not being unreasonable feeling that way and your feelings are valid

but is this something you could have anticipated….did you speak to Dp about broaching the subject of a break in normal arrangements with ex before babies arrival….

it is also hard as I am guessing DP doesn’t want his children to feel they can’t come round cause of the baby, as they are a bit young to understand why…

tough one all round really

YaWeeFurryBastard · 14/12/2023 15:38

Congratulations on your new arrival!

I think the problem here is you’ve got pregnant very quickly into a new relationship I assume given the ages of your DPs kids, so haven’t been able to get to know them properly and form a bond. It must be very confusing for them to be honest.

Of course your DP can’t just shirk his parenting responsibilities because he has a new arrival. Why on earth isn’t he parenting them and supervising them around the baby? Surely that’s his job not yours.

Unfortunately I do think some of this is to be expected when you get pregnant by someone who has existing very young children.

DemelzaandRoss · 14/12/2023 15:41

YABU.

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 15:41

I'm sorry but YABU. Your DP still has a responsibility to his ex and kids. This is something that is part and parcel of being a step parent.

However, he should be the one entertaining the kids, not you!

anarchicparadise · 14/12/2023 15:41

His kids are very very young OP.

what is the story here? Had you been together long when you fell pregnant? How did his last relationship end?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 14/12/2023 15:41

You must have got pregnant v quickly if youngest from ex is only 3? What would've you done if they lived with you full time?.

mynameiscalypso · 14/12/2023 15:42

Those poor kids. They must have had a really confusing and difficult few years.

pickledandpuzzled · 14/12/2023 15:42

Your baby has siblings who mustn’t feel second best to their new sibling. They are absolutely part of this time. You and your partner need to manage their interactions and your schedules so everyone gets what they need.

It is hard- that’s undeniable, you aren’t unreasonable to struggle. You are unreasonable not to have planned for an expected the impact. These children will be the longest relationship your child will ever have. They will be there after you and your partner die. They are there before any future siblings. It’s an important relationship. Do it well.

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:42

YABVU. The ages of your stepkids make me wonder as well if you were the OW, in which case your DH's ex has every reason to resent you and no reason to want to make your life easier.

FloweryName · 14/12/2023 15:42

They were part of your family when you got pregnant and they’re still part of your family now you have a newborn. You don’t get to reject children just because you’ve decided to have more. As they won’t be living with the new baby, it is important for their routine to stay the same so they don’t feel pushed out by a new child who gets to live with their Daddy when they don’t.

PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 15:42

Congratulations OP!

I can sympathise with this. Despite my DSS being 10 my DH’s ex wife still struggled with the birth of our first son and was desperate to regain some attention. She made comments about DSS being pushed out blah blah and suddenly started calling DH morning, noon and night demanding he devote time to discussing total non issues. Prior to that she wouldn’t have ran anything by him. Seriously - he would only find out about pertinent issues about the event and suddenly he needs a call to discuss toothpaste brands…

I just asked my OH to be discreet and stop discussing his conversations with his ex with me. I’d rather not waste headspace on things that really don’t matter to me. If she’s calling non-stop (as my DH’s ex did) it might be worthwhile him just ignoring her until later in the day. It’s for your OH to manage the co-parenting relationship with his ex and balance his existing children against his new one. There will be a period of adjustment and it’s a learning curve for you all. You, naturally will want to feel more supported and your OH will want to make sure his current children continue to feel secure.

Edited to add that I found it really hard going from 1-2 and found my own toddlers needs very difficult to balance against my newborn baby, so it’s no surprise you feel the same.

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 15:43

Also the youngest is only 3? Your DP sounds pretty irresponsible getting a new partner pregnant so quickly while he already has young toddlers.

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:43

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Dweetfidilove · 14/12/2023 15:43

Congratulations on your new baby!

YABU in expecting your stepchildren would want to be held at bay knowing they have a new sibling they’re likely excited to meet. And I’m sure your husband wanted that moment with all his children.

The mom may be problematic, but most of this is having unreasonable expectations. The children will and should continue coming as often as possible - to their second home.

rorret · 14/12/2023 15:44

I'm sorry but you've had a baby with a man who already has two young children. Of course he should still have them for his normal access.

He should be doing the job of parenting his existing children.

I can see what his ex is saying about telling the kids first - but how does she know what order you told people in?

As far as having them overnight, because his ex was stuck in traffic - He isn't doing 50/50 with the young kids he already has, and he really should be.

Toottooot · 14/12/2023 15:44

Peer step kids - that’s who I feel sorry for.

tomatoontoast · 14/12/2023 15:44

How are you finding out all this stuff she is saying about you and your husband?

Enjoy your new baby. Tell your husband you don't want or need her commentary and to keep whatever he is hearing about her to himself. You'll look back and regret you gave it so much headspace during this special time.

Applesandpears23 · 14/12/2023 15:44

One of the hardest things about becoming a mother for the second time was that we also had to care for our 3 year old. My parents took her out for the odd day but mostly she was with us. I didn’t get the day time naps I had the first time around or the time just as a 3. Instead we had to adjust to being a family of 4.

It sounds like you are holding onto the idea you have 1 child but really this is the third child in the family. If you can manage to shift your mindset and expectations you will feel happier.

Also I agree siblings should be told things first. We told our first 2 about our third before any of the grandparents and aunts and uncles.

ManateeFair · 14/12/2023 15:44

Your husband's children are your child's siblings. Of course you can't expect them to be kept away from your baby. If you have a second child, are you going to send your DD away for a few weeks while you and DP bond with baby 2? Just because your partner's kids have a different mum, that doesn't mean they aren't your baby's family.

Onionsmadeofglass · 14/12/2023 15:46

Get your DH to be the inbetween. You don’t need to know anything she says, just when your stepkids are going to be around.
From her point of view, it’s a massive deal to her children and she may well be dealing with unpleasant feelings - jealousy if she wanted/wants more children herself for example. So a certain amount of batshittery is probably par for the course even if things are generally amicable. But your DH should be dealing with it, not you.
From a practical point of view, have the older kids got some baby dolls at your place? If not, get a couple and direct them to play with the dolls/imitate what they would do to take care of their baby sibling. They will throw the dolls around - this doesn’t mean they want to do that to their sibling, they know the difference between a real baby and their dolls. But having the dolls can help when they are driving you mad getting too rough with their sibling.
It ok for your Dh to the older two out sometimes for time with just him. Ditto paternal extended family. They can come and visit you and new baby and then take the older ones out for some attention - this is a really normal thing to do when a new baby arrives in a family.
When the stepkids are at their mums, do more of the squishy first new baby stuff :) Invite your family over for proud grandma/auntie cuddles, take a bazillion photos, spend all day staring at your child.
You’ve got to work with the situation as it is. So, barriers between you and the stepkids’ mum. Baby dolls and attention from others for the stepkids, squishy newborn firsts for you when they’re not there.

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2023 15:46

YANBU - I fully appreciate that in a 'together' family everyone is together all the time when a new baby arrives, but you're NOT a together family, in which case would it really have been too much to ask for you to have a few days calm with your new baby?

Unfortunately you will get slated, as a second wife, on AIBU. Could you ask to have your post moved to the Stepparenting board?

LucyInTheParkWithDragons · 14/12/2023 15:46

Are his children are part of your family, or guests?

If they’re part of the family, then a third baby does just have to slot in a bit. Most of the time, you get a quiet house. But your baby has siblings, so sometimes they’re about.

When I brought DD2 home one of the things I was most excited about was watching her her relationship develop with DD1. Your partner might well be thinking the same about (all of) his kids, and that can’t happen if they’re not welcome.

PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 15:46

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I still think the underlying message of:-

It’s for your OH to manage the co-parenting relationship with his ex and balance his existing children against his new one. There will be a period of adjustment and it’s a learning curve for you all. You, naturally will want to feel more supported and your OH will want to make sure his current children continue to feel secure.

Applies 😊

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:48

PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 15:46

I still think the underlying message of:-

It’s for your OH to manage the co-parenting relationship with his ex and balance his existing children against his new one. There will be a period of adjustment and it’s a learning curve for you all. You, naturally will want to feel more supported and your OH will want to make sure his current children continue to feel secure.

Applies 😊

Show quote history

It does, but the children matter more than the OP and her feelings.

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