DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

Make appropriate plans for support and childcare because they know they’ll need it. OP didn’t know they’d need it because suddenly the children were there 4x more than they were supposed to be.

When I had my youngest who was very premature we didn’t see dh dc ( they were 4 and 6) for 6 weeks after getting home as ds was so tiny still and at risk - they were fine his ex understood and they had face time etc

Unfortunately you are a new mum with step children. Presumably you went into this with your eyes open. You can't make it all about your own little unit. Besides, the poor kids are very young.

Thats great - what part of that is constructive for the OP do you think?

Your DP has 3 kids OP. This is what happens when you have another child when you already have kids. I couldn't 'palm DS1 off' on anyone when DS2 was born. Nor would I want to. Sibling bonding is extremely important.

They are all DPs kids, not just hers, not just yours, they are all his responsibility.

And yes - you really should have prioritised telling DC1 & 2 about the birth over everyone else.

YABVVVVVVVU

But in a together family, its deemed quite acceptable to ship the children off to grandma/sister for a few days
I have always disagreed with that idea and didn't do it with mine.

What i mean is DC1&2 are DP and his ex's joint responsibility (along with your support and love as SM) as well as DC3 being yours and his responsibility

This

I don't know if it makes you feel better but I love my own DC to bits and still found myself really impatient with them and protective of the baby; a lot of it is new mother hormones.

I also completely stopped being maternal and squealy over other peoples' babies and young children when I was pregnant and shortly after giving birth!

You just need some time and remember that just as with bio siblings, it is absolutely okay to have boundaries. I found the Daniel Tiger episode where he gets a new baby sister really good for helping discuss this with kids. I still sometimes find myself humming "there's time for you, and baby toooo"!

Make sure your DP is also understanding as I think the change can likely make men who are biological parents of all the kids involved feel a bit sad or come as a bit of a shock.

No way on earth would I do this too, i realised it was important for DS1 to bond with DS2 and not be shipped off to the GPs

Its the ex not wanting her kids to lose top slot. She still wants them to be dps priority.
You need to have a week without them and your dp needs to sort that out pdq

This is what happens when you hook up with someone with kids. It brings added complications which some people can manage and others can’t. I personally couldn’t be bothered with the extra hassle.

🙄 was there an overlap or did he leave his wife with tiny kids to run off with you?

Imagine a post from the ex wife's perspective

"My ex husband had an affair 2 years ago and left, leaving me with a 2 and 1 year old toddlers. He and his new partner (the OW) have just had a new baby. I didn't know about it until my ex BIL told me, IMO my ex should have told our dc first. They still had dc over for dinner like normal a few days later. I was away with work and got stuck in traffic, my mum was supposed to help too but she was unwell, my ex doesn't believe me though. He is giving me a hard time because he had to have the kids for 4 nights. I however usually have them 6 nights a week because ex only has them overnight 1 night a week - I am exhausted and never get a break from them as I am either working or looking after the kids. He says that they were badly behaved around the baby too. AIBU"

Dinner twice a week plus one overnight is nothing like 50/50! I suggest you swap it round one week and see if it feels like an even split.
Also, when (if) you have another child your perspective on how to include the first in welcoming the new baby will be very different to how you are treating your stepchildren. Your partner has 3 children now, he needs to parent them all.

Of course most people don't ship their existing kids off to grandparents when they have a sibling. This is a new brother or sister in their lives, it's important that they welcome them into the family too and don't feel displaced. No wonder so many mnetters can't stand their siblings if their parents can't even be arsed to get these basics right.

How does ex know the order that everyone was contacted ? I think that siblings definitely trump grandparents but I wouldn’t have told ex who knew before the siblings.

Yanbu to be annoyed with the behaviour of your stepchildren but they are very young and you probably would have the same problem if you had an older child. 3 year olds are massive and seem so old compared to a baby but it’s an age where kids are still learning and trying to get a hold onto their emotions. If you have a second then you will look back and understand that the 3 year old is trying to get attention in an age typical way.

I think that your h did the right thing maintaining the usual routine. It proves that they are still important members of your family and the baby doesn’t change your (you and your h) love for them. I understand why you would have preferred to be alone but you’re in a blended family and have to suck this up the way that the kids are sucking up this new situation. I’m not saying that you did the wrong thing by having a baby but this is a big deal for everyone and you can’t pretend that the kids don’t exist for the first 2 weeks as well because your h isn’t a first time parent- he has 3 kids.

Congratulations.

While it is reasonable for the OP to have a week without her stepkids, her husband doesn't get to duck out of his duties just because his new wife has given birth. He needs to step up.

That OP would still be told she was unreasonable for going from 1 to 4 nights a week just after the new wife had given birth.

You can bet there’d be plenty of morons whooping and celebrating the idea of using the children as a weapon against a cheating ex though, like they are here.

Where does it say OP was the OW? Ex wife might have been the one to end the relationship for all we know 🤷‍♀️

'Palming her kids off on us.'

?!?

Jfc. Here we go again.

Where this irritates me, is running the story along - I feel sorry for these kids, the first two, who will no doubt grow up with problems. And then you get the 'divorce destroys kids' narrative which people who don't understand nuances don't understand that that means 'divorce in situations like this when the useless father and his new girlfriend don't consider his first children whatsoever destroys kids' rather than per se. Then you get women who feel obliged to stay in shitty marriages 'for the kids' because they worry about the data which shows kids like this ops sc who suffer because of stupid decisions - like having a kid 2 minutes in to a new relationship - but it gets blamed on divorce rather than the selfishness of the respective adults.,

He doesn’t get to shirk his agreed responsibilities; his ex doesn’t get to offload the children in a vengeful manner to try to make life harder for a new mum.

Both the original parents need to agree a contact schedule and stick to it. In OP’s shoes I’d be pushing for 50/50, but let me guess, the ex doesn’t want to agree to that?

You haven't got a step kids problem, you've got a partner problem. You should be holed up in your bedroom with the baby, not entertaining the toddlers.

Poor kids. A Dad who left them when they were babies and a Mum who is using them to get her revenge. Yuck.