DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

[mikka404]

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

I don’t think it counts are parting the kids off onto people if that person is their own father unfortunately OP. It must be really really difficult to have 2 very young children to look after as a single parent so maybe try to look at it from her point of view. You don’t even have the children 50/50, 2 evenings for tea and every weekend isn’t an even split.

Unfortunately this situation isn’t going to get better for you I don’t think, having a baby with a man who already has 2 very young children is going to come with a lot of complex situations. Being a step parent is hard work, even harder with very young children. I really feel for those young children whos life has been turned upside down.

And this screams somebody who is totally ignorant to blended families in the real world.

Where has the OP said she doesn't care for them or have compassion? She's just asking for a week of chill to adjust to being a new mum! Would anyone else on here actually want kids with colds & coughs around their new born within the first week?!?!? Like seriously

I think with an Ex like this OP, you have to really get tough. Ignore people on this thread as they haven’t been step parents, and really have no idea.

Your step kids are not your kids.

The Ex is going to be causing drama, I had this. I had her suddenly seeing me as an extra childminder and holidays because I was maternity the step kids would turn up, Ex having had some kind of ‘crisis’. Their father worked all hours, paid her full maintenance and we had them every single weekend.

In the end I said no to holidays when their father was out working. I said no to every single weekend. Looking back, there were lots of strange ex family dynamics going on but the best thing you can do is look after your own kids. And respect some time for the father to look after his, which is the deal really he does have kids that need his time and attention. What you don’t need is to have your own family dynamics dictated by the Ex.

Completely agree. On here, stepmothers should pay up, shut up, and not be so rude as to have a child themselves.

It's not a one in, one out situation when you have a new baby. Your DH decided he had the capacity for another DC, so he looks after his DC with new baby. Like millions of other parents with more than one DC.

I will add though that your DP should be making sure the children are well behaved and doing the childcare. You will be very tired with a new baby.

Don't blame the kids' mum. Her kids with your dp are still babies, and having their world turned upside down. Likely not the first time in the last few years 🙄

Your dp does sound completely irresponsible. Two toddlers and now he has a new baby with someone else already. Yabu because you have known from the beginning that he has two other very small children. Perhaps their mum feels that it’s about time he properly parented the children she shares with him.

Blimey is their such a thing as context and nuance in your angry little world?

The responses here are wild. So much bitterness on one side towards the dad and so much martyrdom from step mums.

There's no winning is there.

How on earth can you have a baby with someone who has a 3 and 4 year old? So he immediately dumped her, got with you and you were pregnant about a year later.? Sounds extremely chaotic to begin with.

She’s jealous of you & your baby. Tell her to give you a break by looking after her own kids so you can spend some much needed alone time with yours. You’ll have the rest of your life with them, surely people can understand that this time is needed for you & your partner.

The Ex is not unreasonable - she was left with 2 under 2 by the sounds of things by an irresponsible man who does not care for his current DCs adequately.

OP -enjoy your baby, they are just as special and precious but your rose tinted view of family was warped before you child got here and you need a reality check on the situation you are living in and rising your child in.

This is why I will never blend a family. Those poor children. I would rather stay single.

The poor woman has been left with two babies and you're talking about them being "palmed off". No sympathy whatsoever.

You are being unbelievably unreasonable.

Your partner's ex does not have to be considerate of your birth or make alternative arrangements for the kids. It is your partner's time to parent at these agreed times and if he is unable to then he needs to sort out an alternative. You are not child minders or doing her a favour. The current arrangement is nowhere near 50/50.

You also don't refer to the kids as DSD and DSS but leave off the D. It's pretty telling and you need to grow to love these kids - fake it til you make it

You are absolutely in the wrong here

YABU. Very unreasonable. And it's your DH's Ex that should be ranting, not you.

DH's two very young children were here first. They are only 3 and 4 years old. And here you are, a new woman with their dad having a baby that is a half sibling to them with you wishing they weren't in their part-time home with their father.

You signed up to be a step mother. You knew they existed. You know they spend time at their dad's home every week on a schedule. Because he's their dad. If they were yours, you'd be bringing home the baby to them full time.

Get over yourself.

I genuinely feel sorry for his kids.
My daughter is only 4 and has younger siblings and if I had snapped at her for accidentally catching one of them in the face when babies, she would have been heartbroken and confused.

You chose to get with a man that already had kids. Stop being so precious and think of the innocent kids that didn't ask to be in this situation, pull up your big girl pants and grow up.

The youngest is 3 (if I'm understanding the OP) meaning he was a babe in arms when the OP met their dad. Those poor kids.

So, if he's such a wonderful partner, why are you the one who is stressed out by having to care for his older children while he's on paternity leave?

This. The sexual incontinence of your partner is mind boggling to me.

I think it’s a less than ideal situation, but you are just going to have to deal with it. It is very sad to me that you seem so pleased that your husband has had two weeks of leave and he’s managed to run the hoover around. If I were you I’d be making plans to leave (and get ready for him to treat your child the way he has treated the first two ‘practice runs’ when he knocks up his next partner!).

@mikka404 why did they split up? If he left her with two young children she's bound to be upset. If it was amicable or her decision then that's different. Even if she's not bothered she will be still very protective over her children.

I was the new Mum with DSC. I was very concious to include them from the beginning. Like I said I didn't let the ex and her partner take the piss though.

they had been separated two years before he and i even met, so no, i wasn’t the OW. It was planned and agreed we wouldn’t have them overnight at all the first week and then out of nowhere she made plans and left us with no choice but to have them for four.

YABU