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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 14/12/2023 16:25

The bit about checking the traffic reports made me laugh. You know what the ex wife is like and that it was probably bollocks. Unless you were planning to call her out on it, does it matter ?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 14/12/2023 16:25

Crababbles · 14/12/2023 15:58

Congratulations OP.

Your SC are so young that it would have been completely valid for you to hole up in your bedroom whilst they were there and leave your partner to it. If you normally have them one night a week, but the week you give birth it’s suddenly four nights, that’s completely unfair.

Your partner needs to formalise his arrangements including for contact.

The horrors of their own father having them in their own home!! Or do you like op see them as guests in her home?

elliejjtiny · 14/12/2023 16:25

I'm sorry OP. It's hard with 3 under 5, I've done it twice. It must be harder when it's your first baby and you realise that you now have 3 under 5 when you were expecting to have the first baby experience where it's just the 3 of you bonding. I think in the nicest possible way you need to forget that your dd is your first and accept that you are in a family that includes 2 toddlers. Having said that, your dh needs to step up here and make sure you are able to rest and recover.

silverheartstogether · 14/12/2023 16:25

How does ex know the order that everyone was contacted ? I think that siblings definitely trump grandparents but I wouldn’t have told ex who knew before the siblings.

My guess is that paternal grandparents were told by OP & OP's DP, and in turn grandparents told the older two kids, who in turn told their mother?

SingleMum11 · 14/12/2023 16:25

You are not being unreasonable. AT ALL!

I had similar. Ex just constantly texting / on the phoning, commenting, back and forth, cross about this or that..

All while our baby was in the NICU

FFS.

Nothing is more important in the first week of a babies life, except the baby and the mother.

Poppy128xx · 14/12/2023 16:25

So she's automatically the 'other woman' because they decided to have a child after 2.3 years together? Jesus Chris I've heard it all now.

Everyone is acting as if it's 2 months there's so many bitter exes on this board!

HarrietStyles · 14/12/2023 16:25

YABVU. Your husband should be having his two older children at all usual times. If they weren’t step children and you were having a third child together, you wouldn’t be sending the two older children away so that you could recover and have bonding time! It’s no different. Bonding time after the birth should be for all of the family, including half-siblings.
I feel terribly sad for your step-children, still so young themselves. If I was their mother I would be furious on their behalf.

User56785 · 14/12/2023 16:26

Ha! Imagine having a baby with a man who had two weeks off for paternity and being so chuffed he did some housework and cooking.

He sounds quite the catch.

ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm · 14/12/2023 16:26

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2023 15:49

But... they're toddlers. What did you expect? You can't boot two toddlers out of the house on the birth of a sibling, you have to maintain the regular schedule.

But in a together family, its deemed quite acceptable to ship the children off to grandma/sister for a few days .......

And their dad could have done that. Why is it up to his ex to pick up the slack on his childcare requirements?

NameChangeAgain23 · 14/12/2023 16:26

YABU.

My DP had his children overnight the night our DC was born. Their Mum was messing contact about and he didn’t want to pass up seeing them. It was Feb half term the second week of his paternity leave so his two came for half that too.

Yes it was hard as I was recovering from a C-section but baby is now 18 months and loves his big siblings!

Shrammed · 14/12/2023 16:27

it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

They are 3 and 4 so will need constant supervision and it's on you to keep baby away from them - pfb was a Velcro baby and turned out to be good training and siblings spend a lot time in my arms to stay out of older toddlers way.

When you have a new tiny baby even young toddlers suddenly look huge and your expectations of them are exploded to unreasonable levels.

If they ex was difficult before hand with contact changing to suit her - I don't think it was reasonable to expect anything different post baby - your DH could try taking them out a bit more to give you some peace.

Crababbles · 14/12/2023 16:27

HarrietStyles · 14/12/2023 16:25

YABVU. Your husband should be having his two older children at all usual times. If they weren’t step children and you were having a third child together, you wouldn’t be sending the two older children away so that you could recover and have bonding time! It’s no different. Bonding time after the birth should be for all of the family, including half-siblings.
I feel terribly sad for your step-children, still so young themselves. If I was their mother I would be furious on their behalf.

Did you not read the OP? He DID have them the usual times, plus an unexpected three overnights and one/two evenings, because their mum wouldn’t keep to the schedule.

SingleMum11 · 14/12/2023 16:28

elliejjtiny · 14/12/2023 16:25

I'm sorry OP. It's hard with 3 under 5, I've done it twice. It must be harder when it's your first baby and you realise that you now have 3 under 5 when you were expecting to have the first baby experience where it's just the 3 of you bonding. I think in the nicest possible way you need to forget that your dd is your first and accept that you are in a family that includes 2 toddlers. Having said that, your dh needs to step up here and make sure you are able to rest and recover.

You see this is absolutely nuts.

It is the First week of the new babies life. Of course their mum can have them and not be constantly creating about something, or being ‘late’ in the first week. The first week is not the time to tell a new mum that she’s really the mum of X step kids. She isn’t. And the father deserves at least a week if not more to just focus on his new baby. It’s really not that much for their own mother to parent for a couple of weeks without creating drama.

wordler · 14/12/2023 16:28

I think you are getting an overly hard time on here OP but I also think your mistake was not anticipating that the relationship with your DSC’s mother is not an amicable one and she was not going to specifically make things easy for you.

Hindsight, I know but dreams of a DP and baby bubble were probably unrealistic.

My advice would be to not set the DSC up to fail on their visits - by which I mean anticipate they will continue to act like the boisterous toddlers they are who do not have the maturity yet to act like an adult would around a vulnerable baby.

So don’t leave the new baby in potential harms way - have some quality but strictly supervised sibling time with the baby so they do get to know and love her. If at all possible get your Mum or a close friend (or pay a babysitter to come and be a mothers helper) to come and be an extra pair of hands on days when you have the DSCs so that you have enough adults to wrangle all the kids while you are not yet at full strength.

Get your DP to plan lots of fun and exhausting out of house activities with them - this will also be easier if you get another pair of hands on those days to support you.

Good luck - you’ve got this!

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 16:28

*That OP would still be told she was unreasonable for going from 1 to 4 nights a week just after the new wife had given birth.

You can bet there’d be plenty of morons whooping and celebrating the idea of using the children as a weapon against a cheating ex though, like they are here.*

yes but the point of my post was to show we don't know the ex wife's perspective. Was the "palming off" really due to malice or did she make a mistake.

Why is it the ex wife's fault not the husband's fault for saying no? Assuming the ex didn't just deliver the dc and leave them on the doorstep with no prior warning?

MeridianB · 14/12/2023 16:28

Congratulations, OP!

Gently, I agree that his DC are way too small to delay visits but he could spend time with them 2:1 doing lots of activities.

Please ignore the ex - and ask your DP to not pass on any messages or comments. Don't let her impact what should be a lovely time.

Crababbles · 14/12/2023 16:29

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 14/12/2023 16:25

The horrors of their own father having them in their own home!! Or do you like op see them as guests in her home?

Show quote history

It’s not reasonable for OP to know when she’ll have two toddlers in her home. It is better for everyone, including those children, to have a contact schedule.

Poppy128xx · 14/12/2023 16:29

Honestly it's unbelievable the hatred towards step mothers on this board.

I've read numerous posts where the 'second' wife as they like to be referred to on here waits to have a joint child, but then get slated because their step-kids are older now and don't want a baby crawling around, yet when they wait 2-3 years so kids are similar ages they also get slated.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't on here if you are a step mother.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 14/12/2023 16:29

This reply has been deleted

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silverheartstogether · 14/12/2023 16:30

Nothing is more important in the first week of a babies life, except the baby and the mother.

I agree entirely with this.

Crababbles · 14/12/2023 16:31

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 16:28

*That OP would still be told she was unreasonable for going from 1 to 4 nights a week just after the new wife had given birth.

You can bet there’d be plenty of morons whooping and celebrating the idea of using the children as a weapon against a cheating ex though, like they are here.*

yes but the point of my post was to show we don't know the ex wife's perspective. Was the "palming off" really due to malice or did she make a mistake.

Why is it the ex wife's fault not the husband's fault for saying no? Assuming the ex didn't just deliver the dc and leave them on the doorstep with no prior warning?

It’s also the husband’s fault for not saying no, but presumably if his ex is making up excuses, he also doesn’t want to dump his toddlers on her doorstep where they’re not wanted.

“Traffic” was an excuse for one night, we don’t know what her excuse was for all the rest.

MinnieL · 14/12/2023 16:31

Absolute madness

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 16:31

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 14/12/2023 16:23

You haven't got a step kids problem, you've got a partner problem. You should be holed up in your bedroom with the baby, not entertaining the toddlers.

This. Why is it all the ex wife's fault, as if the husband is merely an observer in this situation

silverheartstogether · 14/12/2023 16:32

Poppy128xx · 14/12/2023 16:29

Honestly it's unbelievable the hatred towards step mothers on this board.

I've read numerous posts where the 'second' wife as they like to be referred to on here waits to have a joint child, but then get slated because their step-kids are older now and don't want a baby crawling around, yet when they wait 2-3 years so kids are similar ages they also get slated.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't on here if you are a step mother.

Pretty much this.

GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 14/12/2023 16:32

My SC were older when I had my baby. We still had them on the days we normally had them. The ex did ask if we could have them all weekend the first weekend as we would be staying in anyway. I said no because she had form for taking the piss. However, I agree that their routine should not be changed because they have a new sibling. It's hard I know but they are your DP's other children.

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