Page 40 | DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

mikka404 · 2023-12-14T15:33:22+00:00

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday. DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born. We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby. Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears…. As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic). I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll. Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 23:40

Shutthefookup · 15/12/2023 23:38

Yes any normal person would. The ex wife sounds a bloody nightmare. OP and her partner have offered to have full care of the children. The ex wife is weaponising the children, despite being in a new relationship with a baby on the way.

@Goodlard What is your gripe fgs?

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Maybe the mum just wants what is best for the children - half and half. If he only has the kids overnight 1x a week, why would she then say "ah go on then, have them all 7" - he doesn't even want them half!

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 23:40

@Shutthefookup my gripe is.....

OP is being totally disingenuous!

I'm a better mother to the children

She's asked how to deal with them

We have 50/50 care

All rubbish!

Panaa · 15/12/2023 23:43

Shutthefookup · 15/12/2023 23:32

@Goodlard What a patronising, unnecessary comment.

@mikka404 - you could be Maria in Sound of Music and this bitchy lot with would be critical. You crack on as you are. Personally I feel you are handling what is obviously a difficult and petty ex and step parenting with the patience of a saint. Your DP needs to perhaps formalise the access arrangements to stop ex wife being quite so manipulative.

After being on Mumsnet for the last year, I've realised that it can attract some rather bitter types who seem to have nothing better to do than criticise others.

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Now who's tearing down women? 🙄

In your other post you said As women we should be supporting each other not step parent bashing for the sake of it

Does supporting women only extend to step parents??

because this very thread was about bashing a different woman, which is why the OP got the responses she got.

RedToothBrush · 15/12/2023 23:44

Shutthefookup · 15/12/2023 22:53

What a dreadful thread response by so many nitpicking and shaming every minutiae detail of OP's life when she was clearly asking for very obvious support as a new mother who merely wanted a few days with her first baby.

I'm sorry @mikka404 you have received such a disgusting response and I speak as a step mother and second wife who's husband had 100% custody of his two young children. I was lucky that after the difficult birth of my first child which knocked me for six, I had my DM and a MIL on hand to help manage my SC for a few weeks until I was up and about. I would not have had that essential bonding time or patience to master breastfeeding otherwise.

As women we should be supporting each other not step parent bashing for the sake of it. OP has stated she adores her partner's children yet merely sought to have, very naturally, a few days respite after giving birth.

Give her a break.

The problem I have is the OP has unrealistic expectations from the start. And actually that's exactly what she asked - whether her expectations were unrealistic and should she suck it up.

The answer to me is yes.

The two older children are not part time children. They are the OPs full time children. Her partner is seeing them as part time children and she is seeing them as part time children and that's where the issue lies.

Regardless of how many children or step children you have, every new one is a disruptive thing to the existing ones. It's really unsettling. The kids have to feel reassured that they aren't being 'replaced' and their parents still love them just as much as before.

That's hard when you've got a new born. And it's doubly hard if it's children getting a half sibling. It disrupts the security they know and understand.

Saying that it's inconvenient to have them and it's taking away from time with the new born just makes it far far worse. Those first few days really are the most important.

The OP totally lacks the self awareness to understand that. I don't think it's deliberate. I think she's absolutely massively naive. Why else would you have a child so quickly after meeting a guy with two kids under three? She has no idea about what she set herself up for. But equally she can't blame others for that. Least of all the ex. Mainly because she needs a good relationship with the ex and dumping on the ex isn't in her interests in the long run if it leads to resentment and anger.

There aren't two adults in this relationship. There's three. And there's always been three and till the kids are adults that's the way it will continue. And thats how it was always going to be with kids involved.

That's just it.

The OP is trying to kid herself that it's simpler and easier. But it's not.

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 23:44

We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday

For the sake of argument, I'm assuming dinner is tues and weds and in the detail below I'll work on the fri-sat.

Please correct the below, OP if you see any glaring errors.

This is the split of responsibility:-
Monday:- mum 24h. Dad 0h
Tues:- mum 20h. Dad 4h (assume 3pm school pick up - 7pm bedtime)
Weds:- mum 20h. Dad 4h
Thurs:- mum 24h. Dad 0h
Fri:- mum 15h. Dad 9h (school pick up to midnight)
Sat:- mum 7h (5pm-midnight). Dad 17h (midnight to 5pm)
Sun:- mum 24h. Dad 0h.

So dad's doing 34 hours in a week of 168h.

How does the free time make the above any different OP?

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 23:45

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 23:34

@Shutthefookup about like the OP is criticising her DHs ex?

You think she shouldn't criticise her or complain about her DP ex's attitude. Let's hope the ex don't get bored and make her current relationship last with her new baby father.

Panaa · 15/12/2023 23:46

Shutthefookup · 15/12/2023 23:38

Yes any normal person would. The ex wife sounds a bloody nightmare. OP and her partner have offered to have full care of the children. The ex wife is weaponising the children, despite being in a new relationship with a baby on the way.

@Goodlard What is your gripe fgs?

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If a mother asks for support in disciplining the children that doesn't mean she wants to hand over full custody.

The offer sounds like more of an attempt to shut her up.

Original poster

mikka404 · 15/12/2023 23:47

@Tandora yes, they have equal child free time. she works 2-3 hours a week. when they need picking up from school, that they’re both full time in, she calls my partner to get them or to arrange his family to get them. her partner has them 2 evenings a week so she can go out. add the time they’re with us, whether it be the arranged times or the extras, it is a 50/50 split in terms of free time.

OP posts:

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 23:47

You think she shouldn't criticise her or complain about her DP ex's attitude. Let's hope the ex don't get bored and make her current relationship last with her new baby father.*

WTF @Carpediemmakeitcount

Tandora · 15/12/2023 23:48

RedToothBrush · 15/12/2023 23:44

The problem I have is the OP has unrealistic expectations from the start. And actually that's exactly what she asked - whether her expectations were unrealistic and should she suck it up.

The answer to me is yes.

The two older children are not part time children. They are the OPs full time children. Her partner is seeing them as part time children and she is seeing them as part time children and that's where the issue lies.

Regardless of how many children or step children you have, every new one is a disruptive thing to the existing ones. It's really unsettling. The kids have to feel reassured that they aren't being 'replaced' and their parents still love them just as much as before.

That's hard when you've got a new born. And it's doubly hard if it's children getting a half sibling. It disrupts the security they know and understand.

Saying that it's inconvenient to have them and it's taking away from time with the new born just makes it far far worse. Those first few days really are the most important.

The OP totally lacks the self awareness to understand that. I don't think it's deliberate. I think she's absolutely massively naive. Why else would you have a child so quickly after meeting a guy with two kids under three? She has no idea about what she set herself up for. But equally she can't blame others for that. Least of all the ex. Mainly because she needs a good relationship with the ex and dumping on the ex isn't in her interests in the long run if it leads to resentment and anger.

There aren't two adults in this relationship. There's three. And there's always been three and till the kids are adults that's the way it will continue. And thats how it was always going to be with kids involved.

That's just it.

The OP is trying to kid herself that it's simpler and easier. But it's not.

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Thank you for some back to brass tacks , straight talking , sense. This thread was becoming derailed with a fair amount of nonsense, but this is ultimately what the situation boils down to.

Original poster

mikka404 · 15/12/2023 23:50

@SecondUsername4me she has said herself multiple times that they will have to come and live with us because they won’t behave for her. when my partner says let’s do it she then says she doesn’t want to.

OP posts:

Panaa · 15/12/2023 23:50

mikka404 · 15/12/2023 23:47

@Tandora yes, they have equal child free time. she works 2-3 hours a week. when they need picking up from school, that they’re both full time in, she calls my partner to get them or to arrange his family to get them. her partner has them 2 evenings a week so she can go out. add the time they’re with us, whether it be the arranged times or the extras, it is a 50/50 split in terms of free time.

Surely your partner isn't picking them up from school that often then or else she wouldn't need to be phoning him to do it and he would just be doing it?

Calliopespa · 15/12/2023 23:50

RedToothBrush · 15/12/2023 23:44

The problem I have is the OP has unrealistic expectations from the start. And actually that's exactly what she asked - whether her expectations were unrealistic and should she suck it up.

The answer to me is yes.

The two older children are not part time children. They are the OPs full time children. Her partner is seeing them as part time children and she is seeing them as part time children and that's where the issue lies.

Regardless of how many children or step children you have, every new one is a disruptive thing to the existing ones. It's really unsettling. The kids have to feel reassured that they aren't being 'replaced' and their parents still love them just as much as before.

That's hard when you've got a new born. And it's doubly hard if it's children getting a half sibling. It disrupts the security they know and understand.

Saying that it's inconvenient to have them and it's taking away from time with the new born just makes it far far worse. Those first few days really are the most important.

The OP totally lacks the self awareness to understand that. I don't think it's deliberate. I think she's absolutely massively naive. Why else would you have a child so quickly after meeting a guy with two kids under three? She has no idea about what she set herself up for. But equally she can't blame others for that. Least of all the ex. Mainly because she needs a good relationship with the ex and dumping on the ex isn't in her interests in the long run if it leads to resentment and anger.

There aren't two adults in this relationship. There's three. And there's always been three and till the kids are adults that's the way it will continue. And thats how it was always going to be with kids involved.

That's just it.

The OP is trying to kid herself that it's simpler and easier. But it's not.

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Precisely. And I think quite a number of posters are not trying to bash OP but give her some awareness of how her position comes across - which ultimately is what she asked for.

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 23:51

mikka404 · 15/12/2023 23:47

@Tandora yes, they have equal child free time. she works 2-3 hours a week. when they need picking up from school, that they’re both full time in, she calls my partner to get them or to arrange his family to get them. her partner has them 2 evenings a week so she can go out. add the time they’re with us, whether it be the arranged times or the extras, it is a 50/50 split in terms of free time.

This is crazy, you know how much time she has leisure time and take that into account as to how much time your partner does...

How do you know all this?

Shutthefookup · 15/12/2023 23:52

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 23:40

@Shutthefookup my gripe is.....

OP is being totally disingenuous!

I'm a better mother to the children

She's asked how to deal with them

We have 50/50 care

All rubbish!

I can quite believe seeing the patience that OP has had on this thread, even defending herself against some nasty and vile comments, she could be quite correct in how she feels when she claims:
"I'm a better mother to the children"

"She's asked how to deal with them"

The mother obviously struggles with her DC, doesn't set boundaries or disciplines them as appropriate and seems to have a chaotic style of parenting.

Really, what parent agrees something with the ex then the moment his new partner gives birth decides to renege on the agreement, dump the kids on him and clear off for weekend? What sort of mother sends her 2 young children away even to their dad when they are ill, especially knowing there is a new born in the house?

Tandora · 15/12/2023 23:52

mikka404 · 15/12/2023 23:47

@Tandora yes, they have equal child free time. she works 2-3 hours a week. when they need picking up from school, that they’re both full time in, she calls my partner to get them or to arrange his family to get them. her partner has them 2 evenings a week so she can go out. add the time they’re with us, whether it be the arranged times or the extras, it is a 50/50 split in terms of free time.

It’s really messed up and warped that you are calculating things in this way. The pp who just posted is right- you are being incredibly naive and you have a lot of growing/ waking up to do as a parent and a step parent, It’s none of your business how mum divides responsibility with her partner, and you have no idea how much “free time “ she actually has. Your DP- dad- is holding just a tiny fraction of the parenting responsibility compared to mum- just one night a week, compared to her 6. This is the central fact that concerns you.

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 23:52

OP can you just give us a clear example of a normal week of what your DP does for his kids? Just an example?

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 23:53

@mikka404 a 3 year old is in full time school?

Original poster

mikka404 · 15/12/2023 23:54

@Panaa she is the school first point of contact, if they need picking up, she calls him.

OP posts:

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 23:54

@Shutthefookup I suppose as the mother has so little input as OP has stated, their behaviour can't be down to her.....

Original poster

mikka404 · 15/12/2023 23:54

@Goodlard he is in preschool, 9-3, stepdaughter is in reception, 9-3

OP posts:

Panaa · 15/12/2023 23:55

mikka404 · 15/12/2023 23:54

@Panaa she is the school first point of contact, if they need picking up, she calls him.

Do they not need picking up every day? 🤔

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 23:55

They probably play up because their mother is vacant.

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 23:55

mikka404 · 15/12/2023 23:54

@Panaa she is the school first point of contact, if they need picking up, she calls him.

What does he do when he is working, but she's only doing 2/3 hours a week?

What job does she do for 2-3 hours a week?

Tandora · 15/12/2023 23:56

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 23:51

This is crazy, you know how much time she has leisure time and take that into account as to how much time your partner does...

How do you know all this?

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This is crazy, you know how much time she has leisure time and take that into account as to how much time your partner does

absolute madness, I can’t believe anyone is taking this seriously/ endorsing this.