Page 2 | DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

mikka404 · 2023-12-14T15:33:22+00:00

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday. DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born. We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby. Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears…. As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic). I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll. Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

Neodymium · 14/12/2023 15:48

when I had my 3rd baby I had 2 toddlers. I found that the time in hospital was when I rested and bonded with her. I always stayed in for the 4 days I was allowed. All my meals made washing done and I could just focus on the baby.

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 15:48

It sounds like you had an unrealistic idea of what the first few days and weeks would entail. Having a new baby is very tiring and stressful. Even more so with other siblings who deserve to be part of this time whether or not they are your children too. Really, an agreement should have been put in place way before your baby came along as to what changes in your step kids' routine would have been for the first couple of weeks. I'd expect a few days change from the regular routine then it would be back to "normal". You have to negotiate that new normal.

Efforts need to be made to encourage a relationship between your step kids and new baby. Otherwise resentment will grow and will make their life harder in the long run. I agree that it really hasn't been that long since your DP's relationship with their mum ended.

midtownmum · 14/12/2023 15:48

But... they're toddlers. What did you expect? You can't boot two toddlers out of the house on the birth of a sibling, you have to maintain the regular schedule. And OF COURSE they'll have to be watched every second with a newborn sibling, that's what happens. I'm really sorry, having a newborn is brutal and I get that, my first really floored me, but your OH has two other kids. You just have to get on with it.

FartSock5000 · 14/12/2023 15:49

Not unreasonable but you are a blended family and you don't get a break from the kids. That was the deal when you chose your partner.

Have a word with him about pulling his weight. He could be looking after the older kids while you focus on baby. Don't let him get away with doing bare minimum and ignore his ex. She is jealous.

Original poster

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:49

it was set that we would have them the wednesday and thursday like usual for dinner but wouldn’t be having them the weekend. that was until their mother made plans and refused to ask anyone else to help. this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

OP posts:

Nosleepforthismum · 14/12/2023 15:49

Domino20 · 14/12/2023 15:37

Sorry to be harsh but yes, you absolutely should have expected it when having children with someone who already has kids.

Yeah, sorry OP. I’m wincing for you because I can well imagine how difficult it is but if you give your new baby a sibling at some point in the future you will not be able to ship your current child off elsewhere for a week while you recover.

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2023 15:49

But... they're toddlers. What did you expect? You can't boot two toddlers out of the house on the birth of a sibling, you have to maintain the regular schedule.

But in a together family, its deemed quite acceptable to ship the children off to grandma/sister for a few days .......

thing47 · 14/12/2023 15:50

You personally have my deepest sympathies @mikka404 since you are not getting the experience you would have liked after the birth of your first baby and you are not wrong to want some time to yourself to enjoy that time.

The problem is that it's not your DP's first child, it's his third, and his responsibilities to his two other DCs don't just stop, I'm afraid.

Also, I have to say, as he has 2 very small pre-schoolers with one woman and now a newborn with another, he's not sounding like a prize catch…

Tempnamechng · 14/12/2023 15:51

Congratulations! Your feelings are valid, but of course she is making their birth about her children, the only relevance of your baby to her is that they are her dc's half siblings. This is one of those dp problems, he should be able to juggle all of his dc with equal priority. You can't really expect to be able to bond just the 3 of you when he already has children, but he should be able to ensure the mother of his youngest child doesn't get overwhelmed.
In short, yes, and I feel like i am talking like my teenager, but she is right that the birth of your baby to her is all about your still very young stepchildren, just as the birth is about your baby to you.

rorret · 14/12/2023 15:51

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:49

it was set that we would have them the wednesday and thursday like usual for dinner but wouldn’t be having them the weekend. that was until their mother made plans and refused to ask anyone else to help. this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

Why doesn't your partner do 50/50?

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2023 15:52

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:49

it was set that we would have them the wednesday and thursday like usual for dinner but wouldn’t be having them the weekend. that was until their mother made plans and refused to ask anyone else to help. this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

She must have been left with those children when they were pretty tiny.

Hard work, isn't it?

Time their father stepped up

PuffPastryFluff · 14/12/2023 15:52

YABU

When I had DC #3 I didn't get to send the first two away so I could recover. I just got on with it.

These kids are as much a part of your family as the baby you have just had and need to be treated as such.

CurlewKate · 14/12/2023 15:53

So your dp had a 1/2 year old when you got pregnant? I suspect that was your mistake. Sorry.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 14/12/2023 15:53

These are your DH's kids and your child's siblings - and they are your family now.

What did you expect!

PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 15:54

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:48

It does, but the children matter more than the OP and her feelings.

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Everybody matters. OP is a new Mother, her feelings are important. Treating her feelings as a threat to the children’s wellbeing won’t help anyone, not the children, not
OP, not her new baby or OH. Supporting her and giving sound advice to help improve her own mood will flow to the rest of the household. It’s not a race to the bottom.

randomstress · 14/12/2023 15:54

It is hard as this your first baby but is actually child three for your DH and he had his kids in pretty short order which is hard work.
He at least is going to be spending a lot of time actively parenting with three such young dc.
Don't let me push his parenting responsibilities on to you.

violetcuriosity · 14/12/2023 15:54

His kids are babies too 🙁

Runoutofinkagain · 14/12/2023 15:55

Your update is shocking, 'palming off'? They are HIS children, how can children be palmed off on their own father? He should be ecstatic to see them as much as he can!

cadburyegg · 14/12/2023 15:55

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:49

it was set that we would have them the wednesday and thursday like usual for dinner but wouldn’t be having them the weekend. that was until their mother made plans and refused to ask anyone else to help. this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

It's not a 50/50 split though. It sounds like you only have them overnight 1/2 nights a week.

I'm a bit at your phrase "palming them off on us"? They are your DP's children too, do you say that your DP is "palming them off" when they go to their mum's?

It sounds like you're really seeing the step kids as the mum's responsibility, and not your DP's, which is where the resentment is coming in.

They are 4 and 3, they probably seem massive to you because you have a baby but they are still very young children who have an adjustment to make too

YaWeeFurryBastard · 14/12/2023 15:55

PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 15:54

Everybody matters. OP is a new Mother, her feelings are important. Treating her feelings as a threat to the children’s wellbeing won’t help anyone, not the children, not
OP, not her new baby or OH. Supporting her and giving sound advice to help improve her own mood will flow to the rest of the household. It’s not a race to the bottom.

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Of course she matters, but the OP and her partner chose to have this baby knowing the situation, the existing children didn’t choose any of this.

PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 15:55

NearlyMonday · 14/12/2023 15:49

But... they're toddlers. What did you expect? You can't boot two toddlers out of the house on the birth of a sibling, you have to maintain the regular schedule.

But in a together family, its deemed quite acceptable to ship the children off to grandma/sister for a few days .......

Yeah it’s pretty normal. My DH just had my DSS for two weeks solid when his latest maternal sibling arrived.

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:56

PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 15:54

Everybody matters. OP is a new Mother, her feelings are important. Treating her feelings as a threat to the children’s wellbeing won’t help anyone, not the children, not
OP, not her new baby or OH. Supporting her and giving sound advice to help improve her own mood will flow to the rest of the household. It’s not a race to the bottom.

Show quote history

I think that OP will soon be in the same position as her husband's ex. I've known men like him who have multiple children with different women.

PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 15:57

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:56

I think that OP will soon be in the same position as her husband's ex. I've known men like him who have multiple children with different women.

Show quote history

Yeah. Maybe. But beating her isn’t going to help. Whatever the circumstances I’m not sure why it’s difficult to offer some kind advice to a new mother rather than shoot them down. The horse has bolted.

SpeedyDrama · 14/12/2023 15:58

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:49

it was set that we would have them the wednesday and thursday like usual for dinner but wouldn’t be having them the weekend. that was until their mother made plans and refused to ask anyone else to help. this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

You had kids with a man who already had them. His responsibility to them is just as mu ch as their mum regardless of anything (anything at all) that’s going on in his life concurrently.

Were you the OW op? Because you’re really reading as one of these people who is really trying to make out that they’re the priority above anyone else in their partners life, and that usually comes because they’re insecure about their relationship…

Crababbles · 14/12/2023 15:58

Congratulations OP.

Your SC are so young that it would have been completely valid for you to hole up in your bedroom whilst they were there and leave your partner to it. If you normally have them one night a week, but the week you give birth it’s suddenly four nights, that’s completely unfair.

Your partner needs to formalise his arrangements including for contact.