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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s ex making my child’s birth about her children.

1000 replies

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:33

I had a pretty traumatic labour with DD (12days old) and was hoping for at least a week without the step kids (SD4, SS3) staying over nights so that I had time to heal and process becoming a new mum, as well as soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family. We have them twice a week for dinner until their bedtime and every weekend either friday-saturday or saturday-sunday.

DD was born on saturday 2nd, and off the bat DP’s ex tried kicking off saying we were in the wrong for telling my grandparents and his brother before telling the kids that she had been born.

We then had them over after school on the Monday to meet her—this was met with a comment about how DP didn’t want to actually see his kids, he just wanted them over so he could post photos of them with the baby.

Keep in mind this is still not even a week after DDs birth, we had SD and SS stay with us Thursday-Sunday. They were both ill with the flu which meant I was on edge the entire time with all the coughing and sneezing around my then 5 day old baby. Not only this, my SD and SS are not the best behaved—it’s mostly problems with listening and so when told to stop getting in the babies face or waving their hands around/kicking their feet/playing rough around her I am repeating myself continuously. 3 times SD hit DD in the face from messing around which lead me to snap at her, walk off with DD, and breakdown into tears….

As usual, we had them over for dinner on the wednesday, only to then have to have them over night again because their mother was “stuck in traffic” (both DP and i checked and there was no traffic).

I feel exhausted and as if I have had no time to really rest. I’m grateful for DP, his two weeks off he has done almost all housework and cooked the majority of meals. But just that first week of having them the 4 days has knocked me. Entertaining two toddlers and navigating new motherhood is taking it toll.

Rant over… I think what I’m trying to ask is AIBU for feeling this way? Is this something I should have expected and should just suck up?

OP posts:
Lifeasiknowitisout · 14/12/2023 15:59

I get why you feel the way you do.

But these children, all of them, need to be considered. I remember coming home from the hospital with ds and saw my dd and thought she seemed huge. For a little bit I felt a bit worried she might accidentally hurt him, but she was nearly 7. After a few minutes I realised I was being silly and she has always been great with him.

These kids are babies themselves. Especially the younger one. I also appreciate that you kain focus is your baby. But your dps maim focus is all 3 and his exs focus is on her own too.

You have had a baby, willingly, in a very complex situation. So everyone's feelings are going to be complex. Including the children. Butas the adults in the household both you and dp need ro navigate this in the best interest of all the children. It's a blended family, that's what happens. You have to consider have to consider all of them and manage it

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:59

PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 15:57

Yeah. Maybe. But beating her isn’t going to help. Whatever the circumstances I’m not sure why it’s difficult to offer some kind advice to a new mother rather than shoot them down. The horse has bolted.

Show quote history

Because she needs to be realistic and stop whining and blaming her husband's ex. I actually don't have much sympathy with her at all and don't see why she should be coddled. Life is going to get a whole lot harder, and that is down to her own poor life choices. The children, her own baby included, didn't ask to be in this situation. They are the ones I really feel for.

Starryskies1 · 14/12/2023 15:59

I think you may be looking at this the wrong way. His children are very young. Yes he still needs to have them on his set days. His ex is probably panicking that his priorities are going to change. Yes they are part of the package and this is how it is with 3 young children. Germs and all I’m afraid.

PooglesWood · 14/12/2023 16:01

Poor kids, this is what happens when you choose to have kids with someone who has children.

Unreasonablyextravagant · 14/12/2023 16:01

Shockingly unreasonable.

“soak in some quality bonding time just DP, DD and I before becoming a bigger family.”

You, your DP and the new baby made your family bigger, not your step kids.

Crababbles · 14/12/2023 16:01

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:59

Because she needs to be realistic and stop whining and blaming her husband's ex. I actually don't have much sympathy with her at all and don't see why she should be coddled. Life is going to get a whole lot harder, and that is down to her own poor life choices. The children, her own baby included, didn't ask to be in this situation. They are the ones I really feel for.

Show quote history

They have an arrangement to have the older children for two evenings and one overnight a week, it sounds like the week she gave birth they had them for one evening and four overnights. That amount of change to the schedule is shit for everyone including the children, and it’s because of her husband’s ex (and her husband for not putting his foot down).

ActDottie · 14/12/2023 16:01

YABU your ex has a responsibility to look after his other children still and you would’ve known this before getting pregnant with his child.

Crababbles · 14/12/2023 16:02

OP there’s plenty of understanding, rational sites for stepparents, Mumsnet isn’t one of them. Hope you get some quality bonding time with your husband and baby soon.

Mariposista · 14/12/2023 16:03

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 15:43

Also the youngest is only 3? Your DP sounds pretty irresponsible getting a new partner pregnant so quickly while he already has young toddlers.

Couldn’t have put it better myself.

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 16:04

Crababbles · 14/12/2023 16:01

They have an arrangement to have the older children for two evenings and one overnight a week, it sounds like the week she gave birth they had them for one evening and four overnights. That amount of change to the schedule is shit for everyone including the children, and it’s because of her husband’s ex (and her husband for not putting his foot down).

Show quote history

It's what happens if you choose to have children with someone who already has (very young!) children. I would feel differently if the children were a lot older and the DH had been split from his first wife for longer. I notice that the OP hasn't answered whether or not she was the OW, which makes me think she was and also makes me feel very sorry for the first wife.

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 16:04

mikka404 · 14/12/2023 15:49

it was set that we would have them the wednesday and thursday like usual for dinner but wouldn’t be having them the weekend. that was until their mother made plans and refused to ask anyone else to help. this isn’t new, which is why i’m not shocked at it happening—just irritated. she is constantly parting the kids off onto us and complaining that she has no free time when her free time is almost a perfect 50/50 split.

But you knew what his ex is like and still chose to have a baby with this man.

This is what I struggle with. If I started dating a man with kids and found out his ex was an awkward person, I'd run a mile, not stay and have a baby so I'm stuck and then complain.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/12/2023 16:05

You made your bed, and now you have to lie in it. Be careful you don't turn into one of 'those' stepmothers. I see these children in therapy in the future.

Motti · 14/12/2023 16:05

It sounds really difficult & stressful but those kids are so young still. What’s the backstory here OP? I feel for them too as it must all be quite confusing for them. And not surprising that their mum is struggling with it if within the space of 3 years her ex has left & had another baby with someone else.

LaurieStrode · 14/12/2023 16:05

I am astounded that your partner (not husband?) is starting a new family when he has two toddlers by another woman. So the little one was barely 2 when he decided to procreate again?

Then of course things are going to be hectic; you aren't going to get "private bonding time" when there are other little children who need their father's attention.

This is on him to deal with, and frankly rather predicatable. The kids aren't old enough to understand the logistics and shouldn't be shut out for the adults' convenience. They need to form a bond with their sibling for their future emotional health.

Godwindar · 14/12/2023 16:06

Agree there should be normal access. You DP needs to step up, he has 3 young children. Mine were similar ages when I had my 3rd, though all from me and dp, and he had to support me in terms of managing the older ones. You should be getting more help from your DP as he should definitely see the kids as his responsibility when they are with you, wheareas I was still one of the main parents with my kids at the time. So when it's too much, he intervenes to take the older ones out, for tea, to bed. They will need to learn how to be round the baby.

In terms of ex wife comms, ignore those. How did she know you told your parents first anyway - though that's normal!

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 16:06

She's not going to change, you knew what she was like and unfortunately this is going to be your life now.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2023 16:07

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 16:04

But you knew what his ex is like and still chose to have a baby with this man.

This is what I struggle with. If I started dating a man with kids and found out his ex was an awkward person, I'd run a mile, not stay and have a baby so I'm stuck and then complain.

Show quote history

Um. Where is the father's responsibility in all this?

Crababbles · 14/12/2023 16:07

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 16:04

It's what happens if you choose to have children with someone who already has (very young!) children. I would feel differently if the children were a lot older and the DH had been split from his first wife for longer. I notice that the OP hasn't answered whether or not she was the OW, which makes me think she was and also makes me feel very sorry for the first wife.

Show quote history

It’s really not “what happens,” barring an emergency like the other parent being hospitalised. When parents separate, what happens is that a contact schedule is agreed.

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 16:07

This reply has been deleted

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PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 16:07

I think alot of the women posting would feel differently if they had a baby and their ex or current partner suddenly expected them to do more for their current kids. Which is essentially what’s happened - her OH has had the kids more at a time when he is needed by OP.

Workworkandmoreworknow · 14/12/2023 16:07

the children matter more than the OP and her feelings

The OP has just given birth. All new mothers need a bit of time, space and TLC. She's not unreasonable wanting that and it's not reasonable to suggest she should just put the other children first at all time. There needs to be some balance. No, it's not the same as having children without step children on the scene but that doesn't mean the step children always come first.

You need to watch how you express yourself, OP. You're coming across as extremely negative towards the ex - the palming off thing isn't great, they're not palmed off, they're with their dad. The fact your partner has an ex caring for his children means he has been able to get out there and get on with his life - meet you, make another family. Why shouldn't she be able to do the same?

adding a child in a blended situation is complex. Be kind to yourself, ask your partner for support and don't allow him to have you be the one managing all the children.

KingsleyBorder · 14/12/2023 16:07

“Her kids” not “their kids” in the OP title is very telling.

He has had a third child. You haven’t thought this through.

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 16:08

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2023 16:07

Um. Where is the father's responsibility in all this?

Show quote history

I said in another post further upthread that he sounds irresponsible.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2023 16:08

PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 16:07

I think alot of the women posting would feel differently if they had a baby and their ex or current partner suddenly expected them to do more for their current kids. Which is essentially what’s happened - her OH has had the kids more at a time when he is needed by OP.

His kids.

What do people normally do when they have No 3?

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 16:10

PullUpPrince · 14/12/2023 16:07

I think alot of the women posting would feel differently if they had a baby and their ex or current partner suddenly expected them to do more for their current kids. Which is essentially what’s happened - her OH has had the kids more at a time when he is needed by OP.

I wouldn't be having a baby in the first place by a man who had two toddlers.

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