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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

368 replies

cantsleepinbed · 13/12/2023 09:11

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 13/12/2023 09:12

Your relative has no empathy or understanding for your child and their needs
You did the right thing

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

Ternbeach · 13/12/2023 09:13

I think you did the right thing op! Well done for putting him first and not forcing him into a situation he would have hated.

MirrorBack · 13/12/2023 09:14

Just advocate for your child when they did it and listen to them. Talk to them about feelings.
If you do that it’ll work out overall, the nativity isn’t a big deal at all in the scheme of things. School sounds like a good one which should make things easier.
Have a coffee or something, chill and don’t even reply to the text

Theunamedcat · 13/12/2023 09:16

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

He is five plenty of time to develop resilience

savoycabbage · 13/12/2023 09:17

I've done countless nativities. I am a supply teacher so I can go to maybe five a year easily. There are always children who end up sitting out at the last second. Always. It's quite an overwhelming situation really. All of those adults in a space that they aren't usually in. The noise, the babies, the costumes.

In my opinion you did the right thing by preempting his discomfort on the day. It's not like it's the only time there is ever going to be a chance for him to be involved in a performance.

User1343 · 13/12/2023 09:17

You did the right thing and he will continue to feel that you and school are safe for him. ❤️

Eekmystro · 13/12/2023 09:18

I have an anxious child too, so sympathies op. I know I always question if I am too soft or too hard on him.

I always try to make a judgement about how much I force things on my anxious child and when I let him avoid things. I don’t let him avoid everything that makes him uncomfortable though as I think that adds to his anxiety issues- he learns that avoidance is a good strategy to manage with anxiety instead of learning how to work around and manage anxieties to continue on with life.

Im not suggesting you should have made your son do the nativity because I’ve no idea how distressed he might have got. I just mean that I do think there is value in encouraging children to work through their anxieties wherever possible.

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/12/2023 09:18

I’ve seen too many kids crying their way through the school nativity/end of term show - I’d have pulled him out too. There’s nothing to be gained by him being anxious and upset for the sake of a school performance. At 5 he has many years to develop resilience and confidence, once his needs are properly understood and met.

CallMeBettyBoop · 13/12/2023 09:18

Autistic here.

You did the right thing for your son; thank you for listening to him. His school sounds very switched-on about ND issues too.

Ignore your relative. Flowers

Passingthethyme · 13/12/2023 09:20

I think you did the right thing this time, but suggest you put him in a drama class or similar so he can build his confidence slowly in a safe environment

Sirzy · 13/12/2023 09:22

You did the right thing. Ds did his first couple but then made it very clear he didn’t want to be a part of it so never was. Some years he “helped” backstage, some he went elsewhere in school. He did what worked for him.

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:24

Theunamedcat · 13/12/2023 09:16

He is five plenty of time to develop resilience

Show quote history

But letting him use avoidance instead of working through it or finding an acceptable compromise (like sitting at the back so nobody can see him, which the school already suggested) won’t help him in the long run.

OP may be already working with the school to give him responsibilities in class, or have signed him up to clubs outside of school as strategies to help. Or she might just be letting him drop out of everything. The former would be far better for her son.

Catza · 13/12/2023 09:27

Opting out is a valid option. Yes, he can't op out of everything but equally he can't be expected to get over the issues simply by being forced into doing something he doesn't feel comfortable with.
There needs to be some work around what specifically he finds uncomfortable about the situation and backward daisy chaining the activity until he is comfortable with each step.

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 13/12/2023 09:28

Plenty of adults wouldn’t want to stand on a stage and perform infront of an audience so I don’t see why it’s an issue that you haven’t forced a neurodivergent child to do it.

My DS is exactly the same. Wont perform in anything and that’s really fine. He’s 7, it doesn’t matter. He has a presentation day at school next week where he will get a certificate and his Head Teacher will bring it to him rather than making him go and collect it infront of an audience.

FWIW he also has plenty of confidence in other areas and is more resilient than most adults with everything he has been through. He just has stage fright and that’s fine.

Mabelface · 13/12/2023 09:28

You did the right thing. There's a marked difference between understanding when your autistic child is overwhelmed and when they need to build their resilience. As an autistic adult with 4 Nd adult kids, I say good work and thank you for listening to your child's needs.

VillageLite · 13/12/2023 09:29

I think you did the right thing too.

He still went to school, just didn’t do the nativity. And with the pantomime example, he still went, but sat at the back. Presumably with sports he still does school PE, just not sports day.

I think that’s a great way to build resilience and flexibility. Do as much as you can manage, but make adjustments for the things that you can’t do (yet), rather than lumping them all together with no flexibility, so he ends up having to avoid the whole thing rather than just the crucial really hard part.

Much better to start thinking “I can do this if…” instead of “I have to do this, but I can’t”

Sirzy · 13/12/2023 09:31

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:24

But letting him use avoidance instead of working through it or finding an acceptable compromise (like sitting at the back so nobody can see him, which the school already suggested) won’t help him in the long run.

OP may be already working with the school to give him responsibilities in class, or have signed him up to clubs outside of school as strategies to help. Or she might just be letting him drop out of everything. The former would be far better for her son.

Show quote history

It will help him learn that it’s fine to say “I don’t feel comfortable with that” rather than struggling on needlessly.

nobody needs to perform on stage age 5, or at any age.

there will be plenty of other things in life which he struggles with and has to work with adults around him to find ways through but a nativity isn’t one of them!

Stickly · 13/12/2023 09:32

I could be you writing this post and was reassured by the nursery that they recently did training that reinforced that children should not be forced into situations they are highly uncomfortable with due to the trauma it can cause in further life. He is just a child, there is plenty time for him to build his confidence.

Crayfishforyou · 13/12/2023 09:33

Yanbu.
Forcing him to do stuff will just give him a complex.

TiptoeTess · 13/12/2023 09:34

I think you did the right thing on this occasion, but I also think for his sake you should gently and gradually try and build his resilience in this area, so that his world doesn’t gradually get smaller and the rest of the world more overwhelming.

Favouritefruits · 13/12/2023 09:36

You definitely did the right thing for your child! Why cause unnecessary upset for the sake of a ‘show’ it’s purely for parents. I’d have done the same thing in your situation.

Doingmybest12 · 13/12/2023 09:39

I think your family member is catastrophising. I think it's fine at this young age and maybe watching the show and seeing how it works and how other children managed it might help for next year. Also if he has additional needs school can plan to support him another time maybe with the TA being in the background. Maybe he enjoys things other children don't. Don't worry about it but use the information to plan ahead for another time.

Brendabigbaps · 13/12/2023 09:39

You did the right thing. If he’s ASD your life will have to adapt and change to accommodate him.
you’ll need to do things that don’t overwhelm him, give him things to help him calm down.
id recommend reading lots more about asd, it’s a lifestyle.