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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

368 replies

cantsleepinbed · 13/12/2023 09:11

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

OP posts:
WestwardHo1 · 13/12/2023 10:58

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

Oh come on. He's five.

I heard of something the other day which left me open mouthed though. Drama students applying for a drama degree, getting on their course, and then insisting on special provision for NOT performing because of their anxiety about being in front of other people. And getting it!

If you were referring to them you might have a point. But not a five year old in a Nativity he's not chosen to be in.

Seeingadistance · 13/12/2023 11:04

Theunamedcat · 13/12/2023 09:16

He is five plenty of time to develop resilience

Show quote history

This.

You did the right thing, OP.

ilovesushi · 13/12/2023 11:04

You handled it perfectly. Your DS was still part of the occasion and able to fully enjoy it and build some really good associations around it. He showed real maturity and confidence by sitting with the older kids.

My DD's best friend in primary had an autism diagnosis as a teenager. She used to find the nativity an absolute trauma. It also impacted on her friends who were with her and trying to comfort her and themselves feeling upset on her behalf and not really able to crack on with or enjoy what they were supposed to be doing. She would usually end up sobbing on a teachers lap. Not good for anyone!

Smugandproud · 13/12/2023 11:04

He’s only 5. When my dd was 7 the school went on a trip using the local train.
I had to explain to the teacher that dd would not get on the train unless an adult held her hand. The teacher was grateful I told her and a year later dd was fine.
Children go through stages, the dc may well be performing solos in a few years.

msmatcha · 13/12/2023 11:04

You absolutely did the right thing by listening to your child. He won't be 'othered' by this - most at this age won't have noticed or mind at all. Your child is building resilience every day by just going into school, don't worry about that.

Catslovenip · 13/12/2023 11:04

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

Yes Nativity plays are well known as the sole method for building confidence and resilience 🙄

Mariposista · 13/12/2023 11:05

He would probably have spoiled it for the other children and parents if you had forced him. Sounds like this was the correct decision for him.

PasteyLacey · 13/12/2023 11:05

oakleaffy · 13/12/2023 10:23

This - The more you allow him to duck out of perfectly normal things ( Being in a school Play or going on a school trip ) the more he will be digging heels in when he doesn’t want to do something- and you’ll end up basically housebound.

We ALL have to do things we don’t like.
They aren’t unreasonable things to be doing- Kids are quick to learn that they can manipulate a parent.

Show quote history

No. Just no.

OP, you will get lots of people in the next few years who think this is true. Ignore them! Only listen to people with expertise and experience of ASD.
What is 'normal' to some people isn't normal to ND people. To us it might just be a play, but with the sensory issues that come with ASD it might be more like asking them to jump in a pit of poisonous snakes or jump off a building. Imagine the trauma of being forced to do that just because "we all have to do things we dont like". Just continue what you're doing and listen to your son.

DonnaBanana · 13/12/2023 11:05

Brendabigbaps · 13/12/2023 09:39

You did the right thing. If he’s ASD your life will have to adapt and change to accommodate him.
you’ll need to do things that don’t overwhelm him, give him things to help him calm down.
id recommend reading lots more about asd, it’s a lifestyle.

ASD is a “lifestyle” now?

Iwasafool · 13/12/2023 11:07

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

That's interesting, I see it completely the other way round. I think the more he is listened to, the more he realises the people who care for him acknowledge his feelings the more he will feel able to try things.

Worked with one of mine who was clingy and timid and as a teenager travelled the world and did some amazing things.

BungleandGeorge · 13/12/2023 11:08

You’re going to have to get a thick skin for ignoring the ignorant. Listen to those who know about autism and SEN.

Sirzy · 13/12/2023 11:10

oakleaffy · 13/12/2023 10:23

This - The more you allow him to duck out of perfectly normal things ( Being in a school Play or going on a school trip ) the more he will be digging heels in when he doesn’t want to do something- and you’ll end up basically housebound.

We ALL have to do things we don’t like.
They aren’t unreasonable things to be doing- Kids are quick to learn that they can manipulate a parent.

Show quote history

Ds has hated school trips for years. He refused to go on them and I didn’t force him.

he is in year 9 now (mainstream with 1-1) last year he was invited to an event locally with school and we discussed it and he decided he wanted to try it. I drove him there all went well and he agreed to travel back with school.

next week he is going on a end of term trip with school happily.

avoiding things at one stage when your not ready for that doesn’t mean that’s setting up for life of issues. It actually means your setting up for a life where your listened to and concerns are acted upon and reasonable adjustments are made

mantyzer · 13/12/2023 11:13

Its fine and normal at five.
It is true that children who get to opt out of anything they are anxious about do not tend to build resilience and confidence. But one nativity play is a long way from that scenario.

Iwasafool · 13/12/2023 11:13

Sirzy · 13/12/2023 11:10

Ds has hated school trips for years. He refused to go on them and I didn’t force him.

he is in year 9 now (mainstream with 1-1) last year he was invited to an event locally with school and we discussed it and he decided he wanted to try it. I drove him there all went well and he agreed to travel back with school.

next week he is going on a end of term trip with school happily.

avoiding things at one stage when your not ready for that doesn’t mean that’s setting up for life of issues. It actually means your setting up for a life where your listened to and concerns are acted upon and reasonable adjustments are made

Show quote history

That is brilliant. I hope the trip goes really well.

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 11:13

@Brendabigbaps

Autism isn't a lifestyle, it's a disability.

Northernsoul72 · 13/12/2023 11:14

I wouldn't worry. He was in another class, interacting with other children. He wasn't sitting a cupboard alone! If he does have ASD he may need adjustments in life and have to do things a slightly different way to enhance his general well-being and thats absolutely ok. Sometimes with ASD you can't just " get on with it" without a huge emotional toll on yourself. You did a great job of listening to him and acting appropriately.

Brendabigbaps · 13/12/2023 11:15

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 11:13

@Brendabigbaps

Autism isn't a lifestyle, it's a disability.

I’m fully aware of that.
the family have to live an adapted lifestyle around the disability. Mine certainly do!

No need for judgyness, it’s not kind

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 13/12/2023 11:15

@cantsleepinbed you definitely did the right thing for your DS. Forcing your child to be on stage would not have made him more resilient. That type of situation is what can start to cause school refusal, panic attacks or other MH issues. Every child is different and it sounds like you worked very well together with the school over this issue.

RudsyFarmer · 13/12/2023 11:16

Honestly, the drama that goes along these tiny school productions for the small ones always shocks me. My son always hated them. Suspicion of ASD although never diagnosed and they are older now and guess what, still gates school drama productions and I have never required him to do one. He does the lights instead.

Your relative is advocating old fashioned ‘pull your socks up. Stiff upper lip’ style parenting when it is known to be ineffective. If a child has SEN no manner of tough love interventions is going to shake them out of it. Ignore.

Jacfrost · 13/12/2023 11:17

Not read the whole thread as started to get wound up by the word resilience 😂

As the parent of an autistic child, I think you 100% did the right thing. It's not necessary for a child to perform on stage and it won't damage him in any way if he never does so.

When people talk about him needing to build his resilience, what they really mean is he needs to mask better to fit into a neurotypical world, so as not to make them feel uncomfortable. Sod that.

Iwasafool · 13/12/2023 11:17

WestwardHo1 · 13/12/2023 10:58

Oh come on. He's five.

I heard of something the other day which left me open mouthed though. Drama students applying for a drama degree, getting on their course, and then insisting on special provision for NOT performing because of their anxiety about being in front of other people. And getting it!

If you were referring to them you might have a point. But not a five year old in a Nativity he's not chosen to be in.

Show quote history

I heard Judi Dench being interviewed. She said she has performed on stage and then got to the after party, put her hand on the door and turned away because she couldn't cope with going in. I think lots of actors have nerves and stage fright, if they make a career of it they have to learn to cope with it.

Back in the day I think Laurence Olivier was well know to be incredibly shy and quiet and had terrible stage fright.

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 11:17

@Brendabigbaps

I wasn't being judgmental, just factual.

It's important.

Rarewaxwing · 13/12/2023 11:17

You did the right thing.

I was in the exact same situation with DS1 at primary school many years ago. The teacher told me I was making a rod for my own back when i said I was taking him back home.

He was undiagnosed then, but he's autistic and has a lot of other conditions to deal with.

You'll learn to develop a thick skin and follow your instinct. Other people will criticise you because they have no idea what you're dealing with. Their opinion doesn't matter. What you will remember is not their opinion, but whether you did the right thing for your son.

Brendabigbaps · 13/12/2023 11:20

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 11:17

@Brendabigbaps

I wasn't being judgmental, just factual.

It's important.

I repeat, I’m aware of that!

you jumped to conclusions from reading a sentence, you didn’t think about the context.

redalex261 · 13/12/2023 11:20

It’s no big deal. Loads of little kids are overwhelmed in this situation and sit out. Yes, as time goes on you can encourage participation in things like sports day without being Cruella de Ville about it as resilience is necessary.