Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

[cantsleepinbed]

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

@Remmy123 Read through the thread. Forcing any child, especially a child with autism like child in this OP, sets them back and does lasting damage. Worst case scenario like a child mentioned here, is they refuse to go to school completely for over 2 years and can't cope being in a classroom. You have no idea of the lasting damage you propose doing. Real trauma. And almost no child that is ever forced to participate in a play 'loves it'. Anyone with any experience with children knows it's 99% the exact opposite.

Your post reminds me of Mike Tyson’s quote ‘everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face’. It is incredibly easy to prescribe unworkable solutions for other people’s children, the absolute favourite of which must be ‘just tell him/her to get on with it!’ You should count this blessing - you are not alone, as the school seems really sensible, sensitive and supportive as a result of which a potential disaster has been turned into a great success. Some children have overwhelming anxiety about the unknown. Observing how something works so that you understand it is not at all the same as not being there at all. I had a pupil terribly upset when she first saw stage lighting, but having observed how it all works went on a couple of years later to star as Molly in ‘Annie’. Flexibility is part of good parenting and good school provision. There is a place for firm boundaries. This wasn’t it. As to ‘othering’ the issue is about 7 years off the mark. Little children are incredibly accepting of diversity because they haven’t yet developed prejudices. Maybe in secondary school ‘what do all my peers think?’ Would be one consideration amongst many, but in early years I can tell you what your peers are thinking - ‘I’m sitting here. I can see Mummy. I know this song. I can see my friend sitting with the big children.’

To the person that said forcing him in would build resilience- Im new here and cant work out how to tag- I don't think you understand the needs of autustic children. I didn't. I forced my autistic child into situation which overwhelmed her. She has a formal diagnosis of PTSD due to being forced into situations that to her felt deeply unsafe and overwhelmed

She is thriving now after 2 years of EMDR and finding a learning environment that meets her needs.

OP you trusted your instincts and in my experience that's the right thing to do. Well done.

Tell the relative in the nicest way possible to mind their own. Hes your son and has a higher chance of resenting you for pushing him into uncomfortable positions than feeling left out by his peers. Hopefully the shyness and anxiety fades in tine but he needs to know now that you have his back and supports his decisions when comes to his level of comfort.

My son has ASD and our school let him dress up and do all the fun stuff like singing but arranged other fun activities for him while they did the nativity because like your son, it's a bit much for him while loads of eyes are staring your way, and it can feel like a criticism when people look at you certain ways and can trigger a meltdown or RSD.

What you did was with love and understanding for your child. Ignore your relative.

You sound like a lovely parent OP. People banging on about resilience are really mean. He's so little and sounds like he was terrified. My 45 yo sister who was very timid still remembers our mum physically forcing her to do all sorts and it did not make her resilient. It made her anxious and angry to this day.

You absolutely did the right thing. It sounds like your relative is looking at this from a neurotypical perspective. You listened and responded to him and he was able to go into school because of that, very much a success!

Your DC is demonstrating resilience by speaking up for himself and clear about his needs. We are all individuals - even the minis!

I think you erred on the right side of caution OP but I do think asking for advice on this going forward would be a great idea at the upcoming assessment. I’m presuming there must be a middle ground that guards against overwhelming him but helps him move forward in tackling his anxiety.

As a year 1 teacher with experience of children with asd I would say You did exactly the right thing. You're clearly a great mum and the school sounds very supportive of his needs. And actually all children are different but each one just as special.

Time of year may also make him feel uncomfortable about it. End of term, so he may also be so tired, run down by now, which might be making it all feel worse. My child also really wasn't up for it, and is pleased this phase of life is over! Hates nativity, loves sports day. That might happen for you too.

Get a grip, hes 5 years old. Without any other issues I wouldnt push a child to do the nativity. My youngest is now 17 and in infants he didnt want to do anything that meant standing out. In yr 5 and 6 he blossomed and by yr 7 he went to a secondary school that none of hia friends went to and his confidence soared. Why the hell should a little child have to be pushed into situations that worry or stress him/her. Anyone forcing a young child to do something like this needs to go back and remember what it was like to be a small child. And locate their empathy button

I’m the mother of a 28 year old autistic son. You are doing exactly the right thing. Autism is a very unique condition and your son will not build confidence by being pushed into doing something he’s not happy with. Take no notice of any criticism.

I’m glad most of the posts are supportive. I hope you feel better about what happened op 😊

I have just had very similar situation with my daughter also in year 1 she is awaiting ASD assessment and she’s 6. She was given a speaking part in the school nativity but was in tears when I collected her from school as she didn’t feel comfortable speaking in front of everyone. I took her lines back in and told them she was clearly uncomfortable and would prefer to just sing in the background. It’s this Wednesday so I’ll see then if she will actually take part. I certainly wouldn’t make her. They are also having a whole school pantomime on Thursday which I didn’t give consent to so she’s spending the afternoon in the sensory room. We have to do what makes our kids feel comfortable. You 100% did the right thing for your child

Primary school teacher here and we always ask the children if they want to take part in the nativity and if not they just sit at the side and sing. Even during our final performance there were children who were overwhelmed and they came to sit with staff without pressure.
similarly with our party the children are encouraged to join in but there will be some that prefer to sit and watch and that’s fine.

Your child just got a taste of you having his back.

He did compromise. He didn't refuse to go to school. He went and did something alternative. If youd kept him off and talked talked it through that would have been different (but pontentially understandable if he was at a less switched on school).

He problem solved with your support.

Trust your gut and he'll learn to trust his.

Exactly @Theunamedcat right now he needs his feelings validated if he is autistic or not. 5 year olds need reassurance that we as parents have got their back. Resilience will come with the right support support