Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

[cantsleepinbed]

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

You did the right thing. I'm afraid you'll have to get used to people thinking you did the wrong thing, this will be the ongoing theme when you have a child with asd.

im a couple of years ahead of you and i what I would suggest is have him in the room even if he doesn't join in (big caveat of if it doesn't cause massive distress) that way he can be familiar with it and he might feel able next time. Ds had to sit next to his teacher at panto last year and on the bus, this year he is looking forward to it.

OP you did the right thing! Well done for looking out for your DS.
Trust your instincts.
My DD cried all the way through her reception nativity play even after we asked for adjustments. We were just told ‘well some kids don’t like it.’ How is that helping her? The upshot was she had a horrible experience & doesn’t ever want to do it again. The idea behind exposure therapy doesn’t always work with autistic children as what they fear is often the case! So it’s not a case of ‘it won’t be as bad as you think.’ It’s often worse!
Two things that really helped me are the book ‘My Child is not Broken’ and the FB group Not Fine in School. As an aside DD is no longer attending school because of these sorts of issues.

He's 5, he is different (so is everyone, but his shows a bit more) and letting him know that he can be and do different, that he can speak up and be heard, and that he is loved for all his own wonderful qualities and differences is the very best way of letting him build resilience. You did the right thing.

Every child is different. You did the right thing by your child. Had your child gone to the nativity and got upset he would have been taken out anyway. It saved him stress and upset .

My grandson is almost 6 in year 1. He had nativity yesterday. And he went ape shit . He had to be taken out. But time he was collected from school he was fine all hyper and bouncing around.

My 8 year old is autistic and he gets stressed by things such as Christmas carols, even when they get standard letters to give out to parents he gets upset and stressed. But I don't do anything to stop it . I just leave it because I can't protect him from everything. I do worry for secondary school though.

This - The more you allow him to duck out of perfectly normal things ( Being in a school Play or going on a school trip ) the more he will be digging heels in when he doesn’t want to do something- and you’ll end up basically housebound.

We ALL have to do things we don’t like.
They aren’t unreasonable things to be doing- Kids are quick to learn that they can manipulate a parent.

This - The more you allow him to duck out of perfectly normal things ( Being in a school Play or going on a school trip ) the more he will be digging heels in when he doesn’t want to do something- and you’ll end up basically housebound.

We ALL have to do things we don’t like.
They aren’t unreasonable things to be doing- Kids are quick to learn that they can manipulate a parent.

Ableist bullshit.

Absolutely the right thing to do, you know your child best, he’s only 5. Ignore your relative.

I agree.
Five years old is too young to "toughen up and get used to it"

You're a good mum, ignore your relative. The idea that you have to learn to just "suck it up" is bullshit. I've been masking all my life. For some people, especially but not always the ND, it NEVER gets easier.

So while I was made to 'just get on with it, you silly girl' - the impact on both my physical and mental health from having to do things I find uncomfortable has been extreme.

It's also old fashioned, stiff upper lip, bollocks: we don't all have to learn to do things that we find so excruciating that they're physically painful. Not everyone can skip through life doing jazz hands - why should they? What's so great about people who like performing? What makes them better than me? Clue: nothing. We're all different, with our own strengths.

I've got through life just fine - high earner, amazing qualifications, own home, great relationships. But if my mum had been like you, and shown some empathy, my life would have been so much better. Society is better now, I hope, and more understanding of ND. Let your little one be themselves - it's totally, TOTALLY okay.

(Btw: ND or not, I wouldn't force a 5 year old to perform. They're five FGS.)

People have a very simplistic view of what it means to be resilient, as if there’s a bar above a kid’s head that fills up with ‘resilience points’ every time they’re made to do something they don’t want to do and doesn’t come away physically hurt by it. That isn’t how it works. He’s 5 - kind, supportive caregivers and peers is what will build his resilience.

This is the kind of attitude that landed me with severe mental health issues. I am autistic and I forced myself to do things I knew I couldn't cope with because I thought that was the right thing to do. I ended up signed off work for 6 months because I was suicidal due to autistic burnout.

Turns out when you're an adult there are quite a lot of things that you don't actually have to do if you don't want to.

Mine didn’t do it. (5, also waiting for ASD assessment). He sat on my lap and the others on the first day (actually he sat on my lap drawing whilst I watched children I didn’t know 🙄), and sat next to the office with the school secretary the second day (they did two performances).

Forcing kids to do things that would be actively damaging for them isn’t good parenting.

Agree. Have you any idea how hard those with ASD find it to navigate the world? It's not 'manipulation' FGS. It is real and genuine distress.

Being manipulative is the only way the powerless can control their environment.

A child who is listened to, and helped to deal with anxieties, is empowered by that. Learning that he can trust his mother is empowering in itself, and will mean he does not have to be manipulative. Trust builds strength.

I don’t know, really. I have ASD and something I have always tried hard to do is take part - go to the party, be in the school play, move away to uni, walk into the restaurant alone, etc. I feel that this has always worked out and helped my confidence growing up and as a young woman. I think of all the opportunities I’d have missed if I hadn’t pushed myself, and if my parents haven’t supported with this.

While he’s very young and I can understand how difficult it must be to ‘force’ him into something like this, I do see your relative’s point - where does it end? How will he grow in confidence?

Haven't read the ft but hell yes you did the right thing. The older I get the more angry I get at the pressure society puts on children to go through incredibly stressful situations just to please that society. Perhaps your child will grow up to love a very quiet calm job and life and never want to be on a stage with 400 people staring at them. Very few people like that situation, why should we expect a small child to?

With encouragement, praise, and understanding.

Like me, you have probably spent your whole life masking. Like me, you have probably also struggled with mental health difficulties. I’m not making the same mistakes with DS.

I think your relative is right but for different reasons tbh. By not doing something that makes him uncomfortable it doesn't give him a chance to desensitise/cope with things that might make him uncomfortable but may also produce more pleasant feelings too. Sometimes just getting through (safe) things that worry us feels like an incredible achievement.

If the only thing he is opting out of is being on stage but other aspects of life he engages, what’s the problem? It’s not exactly a life essential skill!! There are plenty of jobs that don’t require you to present, if he’s good in small groups. And jeesh, he’s 5!

I think you did the right thing, I have autism and being pushed into things like this as a child was horrendous for me, it didn’t teach me any resilience just mostly being terrified.

To me it sounds like you struck the perfect balance. You gave him plenty of opportunity to change his mind and participate if he wants to but you didn't bully him or shame him into doing something he isn't comfortable doing. You're his mum you know best. Ignore the busy body relatives. Keep giving him opportunities to put hiself out there, praise the little wins and he'll get there.

Well done. You did the right thing. He's 5 and you have shown him he can trust you to have his back. He's 5, there is plenty of time to teach and learn resilience in a way that suits him. Don't doubt yourself.

I have masked and struggled with my mental health, but all of the things I listed, while difficult, have made my life much fuller than it would have been without them. I wouldn’t go back and change anything.

It doesn't build resilience to force someone to do something they are incredibly anxious about. If someone forced me to base jump off a tall building, or pushed me in a swimming pool at the deep end if I were a non-swimmer, it would not make it easier next time, quite the reverse. This does not build resilience. Resilience being quite the bullshit buzz word of the moment.

If someone is a bit nervous and you can reassure them, and they might be ok if they join in, or might actually enjoy it, this is different.

I think what you did was fine. Even with kids who are perfectly average sometimes you just play it by ear in the moment.

Your relative isn't wrong that sometimes it is better to push kids to do things that are really uncomfortable for them. It's very much a judgement call about when to do what though. You make a guess about the outcome - if the whole thing resulted in a meltdown, that would not be good for your child, or the other children. But sometimes kids do step up and it surprises you.

It will get a bit easier as he gets older and understands more. But it is really important IMO to remember that in general, the only way to conquer anxiety is to face it, even if in slow steps. Avoiding tends to make it worse, in many cases it will transfer to something else. It's hard though because when you do take that approach it can make you feel like an asshole at the time!