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Original poster

Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

368 replies

cantsleepinbed · 13/12/2023 09:11

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

OP posts:
Merrymouse · 13/12/2023 09:41

You did the right thing.

Your relative isn’t understanding that we don’t all have to be the same to fit into society, even if that were possible for everyone.

I say this as the parent of an ASD child. There are some battles that aren’t worth fighting. Sometimes it’s worth finding a way to adapt, but sometimes it just doesn’t benefit anyone and there is no reason to force your child to be 2nd shepherd.

In all honesty, it’s difficult to know which battles to fight, and this also means that you won’t be able to say ‘you just have to do it because everyone else is doing it’, and your child will learn that they can ask for reasonable adaptations - but that is what you do as an adult with ASD, or with visual or hearing impairment or any other disability.

Elfontheshmelf · 13/12/2023 09:42

A little girl cried and couldn't say her lines during my child's nativity and the teacher scooped her up and said the lines for her. Some children don't like being on stage, neuro-diverse or not and that's ok.

Bluevelvetsofa · 13/12/2023 09:48

There’s a difference between a child not wanting to take part and a neurodiverse child feeling unable to take part.

The important thing is that, because he didn’t take part, he still feels able to go to school and the other important aspect is that his school are being proactive in supporting him and making adjustments that will support him.

StillWantingADog · 13/12/2023 09:50

I think you did the right thing. In the longer term it would be a good thing to discuss with the school how best to build his resilience but that won’t come overnight.

nearlyemptynes · 13/12/2023 09:51

If you had forced him to do it it would have been traumatic and would likely end up in school refusal and him not feeling safe. You know your child. Fab parenting.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 13/12/2023 09:51

It doesn’t build resilience if you’re terrified. As a ten year old I was forced by the headteacher to speak in front of a church full of people. It was twenty years before I could do such a thing again.

Ansjovis · 13/12/2023 09:52

I agree with most of the others. He doesn't need to be in a nativity. I think you do need to be careful that you're not just pulling him out of everything at the slightest sign of trouble, even things he enjoys, but I don't see any evidence that you're doing that. I have autism and my family would not support me to persevere with activities that I wanted to do but found challenging. This really didn't benefit me at all, though I know they thought they were doing the right thing.

waterrat · 13/12/2023 09:56

My 9 year old is autistic and panicked at last minute and refused to do end of term play

Its sad as a parent but it has nothing to do with resilience. She simply couldnt cope.
You did the right thing and people without a neuridiverse child just might not get it

Even if she wasnt ND..why shouldnt a child decide not to do something they dont enjoy and find stressful?

Resilience comes from being listened to and supported nit forced into stressful situations

SENparenting · 13/12/2023 09:56

You listened to your child and you gave him what he needed not what you wanted. That's amazing parenting.

CharlotteBog · 13/12/2023 09:57

I think you did the right thing. There will be plenty of times during his life when he will have to step outside of his comfort zone. He will need to learn these skills. Knowing his own Mum has his back as he goes through this process will reassure him and hopefully give him the confidence to try new things, knowing that someone is in the wings cheering him on.
I think this is the case for all children, ASD or not; it's just harder and more challenging for your LO.

beautifullittletree · 13/12/2023 09:57

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

He is about to be assessed for a potential disability. With autism 'in your own time' is the best approach and if that time never comes, so be it. Nobody needs to stand up on stage in front of others.

This flippant comment just shows we still have a huge lack of empathy and understanding of autism.

We don't all need the same. OP son needed her to advocate for him and she nailed it.

ColleenDonaghy · 13/12/2023 09:57

You did the right thing.

Besides - maybe he is different. What's wrong with that?

A nativity is supposed to be fun. If it's not fun, it's not fun.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 13/12/2023 09:58

I think as long as he had the opportunity to change his mind and take part then it’s fine.

Restrelief · 13/12/2023 09:58

I think you did the right thing, though only you can truly know that. He can build up to performance with things like assembly or in class where there may be fewer children and those children may be less nervous as well. They are also small things where not managing does not have high stakes. (Just to say I have ASD)

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 13/12/2023 10:00

My son has ASD (Year 2) and always has massive anxiety about these shows. I always say that we would love to see him in the show but if he decides that he doesn't want to do it, that's ok. His teachers agree to this. He has always taken part (and I cry with pride!) but I think allowing him an out takes a lot of the pressure off the situation. One child in my son's class spent the whole show in tears, I just don't think these things should be forced on everyone. I think you did the right thing.

PuttingDownRoots · 13/12/2023 10:03

He's 5. It doesn't matter if he has ASD or not, school is supposed to feel safe and doing the Nativity didntvfeel safe.

My DD looked terrified in her nativities. And in Yr2. In Yr3, through a lot of support, she spoke 4 words in a class presentation.
In Yr7 she auditioned for her school musical (non speaking part).... and has just done it. Shes considering maybe trying fir a small speaking part next year. Shes got there through support and taking it slow, not being forced to do what she wasnt ready to do.

You did the right thing.

cookie389 · 13/12/2023 10:04

You did the right thing. If something was going to be traumatic for him pushing through it will not build resilience. There will be bright lights, crowds, loud noises and it's out of routine - of course it's a struggle for a fair few autistic (and non autistic) children.
The alternative is you put your foot down and he gets overwhelmed and goes into fight or flight mode. Which is awful for everyone.

When people say about his world getting smaller - that's what happened to one of my boys. It did get smaller because I didn't force him to do extracurricular things he didn't want to do BUT he didn't get burnout, meltdown or school refuse and his mental health was protected. He then started asking to try a few things as he knew no one was forcing him and he could stop if he wanted.

Wildhorses2244 · 13/12/2023 10:07

I think that you did the right thing.

The school environment isn’t really set up well for neurodiverse children and school refusal is common.

In my opinion teaching “we still go to school but we ask school to accommodate our needs” is much much more important than teaching stage performing skills.

Looking into adulthood, an autistic adult he will need to negotiate with his workplace for support with his needs but ultimately still go every day. He can just choose not to do a job where he stands on the stage.

Keep going with what you’re doing- you’re definitely teaching the more important lesson.

imnotthatkindofmum · 13/12/2023 10:07

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

This is bs. My daughter is 16, ASD. She has way more resilience than either of my other children. She turned up to and got her target grade on every single one of her GCSE exams which for other children is hard, for her just being in school was hard never mind the added pressure of the anxiety (occasional school refuser too) it caused her. A fact her teachers frequently recognised and supported by giving her a safe space away from others. thank goodness for them!

As for confidence, it's school that destroyed her confidence not me keeping her out of things for her benefit. What has built her confidence is being allowed to be good at what she's good at and choose when not to show up and allowing her to make choices about what she's not good at. Ultimately children want to fit in so often neurodiverse children push themselves harder to do things that they might not actually find easy.

Her French teacher called it "pure grit and determination" it takes a special person to recognise that in an anxious teenager who cries everyday. I think we way too often mistake opting out as a weakness when actually it's often necessary as well as showing an inner strength to not fit in and confirm. As parents we need to facilitate that.

BeardyButton · 13/12/2023 10:08

You did EXACTLY the right thing. Keep giving him choices and opportunities, but respect his boundaries when he says it’s too much. Build a bridge for him into these activities that he fears by supporting him to do them when and if he wants. Don’t thrust him into them and hope for the best.

Twiglets1 · 13/12/2023 10:09

Blimey, with friends (or relatives) like that, who needs enemies?

You did the right thing.

I used to work as a TA and we always have those children that don't want to join in every activity. It's fine, better to support them with their anxieties than let them develop a real dislike of school. Plus he's only 5 and may feel differently in a year or two's time if he doesn't feel too pressured.

IHeartBiscuits · 13/12/2023 10:13

It's better that he felt supported by you and went on his own terms than feeling unsupported or listened to and then didn't go under any terms.

He still took part in the event, he just preferred to be part of the audience. It was a chance to get his bearings and also see how it worked and how much the others enjoyed it doing it, both of which are encouraging. He might well want to take part in the next play or production. Also for the future, you could say "You weren't sure about the Nativity and then you enjoyed watching it and saw how much fun it could be..." etc, so it's given him a point of reference. It's all part of the learning experience.

Sproutier · 13/12/2023 10:14

Relatives are often wrong on these things. You listened to him, that's really important. He primarily needs to feel safe at school and safe with his trusted adults. That is much more important than jumping through random hoops, and will set him up so much better for success in the long term.

Children have a way of showing us when they are ready for more, and secure jumping off point is the best start you can give him.

craigth162 · 13/12/2023 10:17

You did the right thing. He went to school so thats what matters. Yoh didnt just pander to him and let him stay home. Baby steps and celebrate the small wins. He went to the panto so thats a big achievement

namechangenanny · 13/12/2023 10:17

As a mum of 2 ASD children who happily attend mainstream schools, you did the right thing. Mine are a good bit older than yours but I remember that age and stage. You put your son first and that was the right thing to do. Well done mama, there will be plenty time for him to do other performances etc over the years if he so wishes, and if he dislikes being on stage that is perfectly ok. You sound like a really loving and caring mum. Good luck with the assessment if you go for that.