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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

368 replies

cantsleepinbed · 13/12/2023 09:11

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

OP posts:
TheOliveTree · 15/12/2023 13:23

Absolutely you did the right thing, i have done this for my child (ASD) in this identical situation. You did the right thing for your child, please don’t let the uninformed comments/opinions of others make you second guess your instincts and decisions ❤️

T1Dmama · 15/12/2023 15:57

You know what’s right for your child.
m What would’ve been the point in dragging him into school crying and telling him he has to do it, then him being too scared to do it and the teachers removing him anyway…. All you’d achieve is him not trusting you.
you did the right thing

Ribidibidibidoobahday · 15/12/2023 16:05

You absolutely did the right thing. You can't tell him he won't have to do it to get him to school then make him do it. There will be no trust and it will be harder to get him to do the scary things he has to try.

Also if changing a small thing can prevent school avoidance from setting in then you work with the school to do it. If the school strongly disagreed with the request they would have let you know. Catering to an individuals needs does not equate to othering. You're trying to give him the tools he needs to find his place in society, not traumatise him by forcing him to do something he doesn't yet have the tools for. Not participating this year doesn't mean he never will.

carly2803 · 15/12/2023 20:36

everyone has an opinion on how to raise your child
ignore them

you did the right thing hands down. I have many times left things with my kids because they arnt comfortable, its that simple. With additional needs id have absolutely let him sit out.

I never make my kids do anything that makes them so desparately unhappy

if they are just being "dont wanna do it cause i cant be arsed" very different.

but this is overwhelming fear.

well done mama, he will know you always have his back

rosyglowcondition · 15/12/2023 20:38

You did the right thing. You know your child best. Why would you put him in a situation where he will be overwhelmed? What lesson does that teach him? Follow your instincts.

GymPlusCoffee · 15/12/2023 20:39

Special Education Teacher and mother to a 4 year old ND child here. There is a big difference between encouraging a child to try something that they are apprehensive about and forcing them into a situation that elicits this level of stress and anxiety. You absolutely did the right thing, well done for listening to and advocating for your child. Your LO is lucky to have you on his side and great to hear that the school are supportive too ❤️

HauntedPencil · 15/12/2023 20:43

Sounds like a great solution which meant he was in school feeling safe and happy rather than at home sad and upset. I wouldn't pay any heed to it at all.

Littleguggi · 15/12/2023 20:52

I had to carry my DD4 to her nativity crying and kicking, I almost turned around and thought forget this! But once handed over to her teacher, she did calm. She refused to wear her costume but she did stand up on stage, even if she chose not to sing and say her one line. We celebrated her taking part. I completely empathize with your situation, as a parent you feel helpless! After the show she refused to go back to her class and fair play to the school they let us take her home a few minutes earlier.

Littleguggi · 15/12/2023 20:53

Saying that there was another nativity DD4 was expected to be in and I removed her from that one because it was causing her a lot of stress in the morning before school!

beautifullittletree · 15/12/2023 21:09

Littleguggi · 15/12/2023 20:52

I had to carry my DD4 to her nativity crying and kicking, I almost turned around and thought forget this! But once handed over to her teacher, she did calm. She refused to wear her costume but she did stand up on stage, even if she chose not to sing and say her one line. We celebrated her taking part. I completely empathize with your situation, as a parent you feel helpless! After the show she refused to go back to her class and fair play to the school they let us take her home a few minutes earlier.

So you forced her, she conformed and was traumatised by it?

Littleguggi · 15/12/2023 21:12

@beautifullittletree Where did I say that I 'forced' her, she 'conformed', and that she was 'traumatised'. Stop misinterpreting my words!

beautifullittletree · 15/12/2023 21:32

Littleguggi · 15/12/2023 21:12

@beautifullittletree Where did I say that I 'forced' her, she 'conformed', and that she was 'traumatised'. Stop misinterpreting my words!

I had to carry my DD4 to her nativity crying and kicking,

You forced her.

But once handed over to her teacher, she did calm. She refused to wear her costume but she did stand up on stage, even if she chose not to sing and say her one line.

She conformed.

After the show she refused to go back to her class and fair play to the school they let us take her home a few minutes earlier.

The trauma.

I didn't misinterpret your words, I just pointed out how awful your 'victory' was for your child. You not liking that doesn't make it any less true.

Lavenderblue11 · 15/12/2023 21:35

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

100%

Newsenmum · 15/12/2023 21:52

Lavenderblue11 · 15/12/2023 21:35

100%

Show quote history

Um he’s autistic.. he won’t suddenly ‘learn those skills’

Littleguggi · 15/12/2023 21:56

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

SparklingSparkle · 15/12/2023 22:03

I was a tree at the back of the Nativity behind a huge boy who was also a tree so no one could see me. I seem to have managed to get to 53 without any emotional damage from this.
You did the right thing - he went and he participated in the way he could manage. You should be proud

Seelybee · 15/12/2023 22:05

Trust me, if he's neurodiverse it would be very damaging to push him into these things. Hats off to the school who understand and are happy for him to observe rather than take part directly. Your relative obviously has no clue about child development where children are not typical. Go at your son's pace, very gently push boundaries where appropriate to encourage positive experiences and ignore people who know a lot less than you about your child.

stichguru · 15/12/2023 23:02

You are letting him opt out of unnecessary things that cause him stress and that is good. There is no NEED for a 5 year old to be able to perform in front of the whole school. There is a NEED for a 5 year old to be in a learning environment. Forcing him to do all of school whether he can cope with it or not, is likely to end up with a child that hates and can't cope with school at all. At this point you will be into struggling to get him to learn the basic things because he isn't in school, or is panicking and stressed in school. You will be struggling to home educate or to get him into nearly non-existent specialist provision. Keep going with helping him manage the bits of school he needs to manage!

Jack80 · 16/12/2023 08:15

You do what is best for your child, ignore the rest

wongy · 16/12/2023 08:25

You definitely did the right and all sounds very familiar.
When my son was 5 and on the spectrum he didnt like doing the nativity. In fact the teachers respected it and he was allowed to help in other ways.
Hes now 17 and his chosen profession is in musical theatre. Hes more comfortable on the stage than anywere else. Although hes not comfortable with the applause.
You know your own child, just trust your gut a d have lots of patience.

converseandjeans · 16/12/2023 08:44

@Crababbles

OP may be already working with the school to give him responsibilities in class, or have signed him up to clubs outside of school as strategies to help. Or she might just be letting him drop out of everything. The former would be far better for her son.

But not all children are the same & they don't all have to do clubs outside school. Why would he need more responsibilities in class? It's only children that are forced into these situations. An adult would just say no or move jobs. I don't know why children are all expected to do things like school plays, sports day etc. even if they're clearly uncomfortable.

OP the school sounds fine with it all & he seems happy so I don't know why the relative is getting involved. Just don't tell relative in future.

Remmy123 · 16/12/2023 08:53

I won't have pulled him out no - he may have really enjoyed it and felt really proud of himself - the worst case scenario would be tears and the teacher wouid remove him to sit with them.

Newsenmum · 16/12/2023 08:55

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

Snowflake? 🤣 yeah you don’t understand ND at all

Newsenmum · 16/12/2023 08:55

Remmy123 · 16/12/2023 08:53

I won't have pulled him out no - he may have really enjoyed it and felt really proud of himself - the worst case scenario would be tears and the teacher wouid remove him to sit with them.

Nope not worst case scenario. Again you don’t understand autistic kids.

CurlewKate · 16/12/2023 09:22

I wish this wasn't just focussed on ND kids. This sort of respect of wishes and support should apply to ALL children. My children are NT and I know I made them disproportionately unhappy by following my wishes not theirs about things that didn't really matter.