The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

You both sound quite difficult.

She shouldn’t be landing herself on you for two weeks, and you shouldn’t be objecting to a grandmother holding your child.

Cancel the long trip - make up any old medical issue.

Have a short visit a bit later. Set your boundaries if you describing yourself as a Mama Bear (which is slightly bizarre BYW) then I presume you know how to be assertive, so set your boundaries with her - but don’t be ridiculous about normal grandparent activities, as that’s not in your child’s interests.

If they are travelling on trains they are just as likely to pick up germs as they are visiting a busy city.

Will you be breast feeding, good excuse to take baby away to a quiet room if you are.
My MIL was a bit like this when DC were babies, luckily she has mellowed over the years.

You know what? Maybe you're hormonal and maybe not, but I just think your DH should have your back and support you because you're growing and birthing his child. End of pretty much.
Sorry if this isn't entirely helpful OP. But DH should be helping you to feel ok bar actually murdering anyone, IYSWIM. IMHO. Good luck.
Probably I'm projecting. So sorry if so.

Yeah you sound completely unreasonable, needlessly hostile and dramatic tbh. She might be a pain in the arse (or she might not) but she’s your kids’ grandmother and that’s life. Also gaslighting doesn’t just mean doing anything that annoys you. It’s pretty shortsighted that you describe yourself as ‘very much a mama bear’ (ugh) over your own son while calling your DH a ‘total mummy’s boy’.

You sound like hard work.

You and your MiL sound quite alike tbh.

I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose

Because of this I’d say YANBU and your husband should be backing you. He has muddied the waters by not doing so, so I’d say target your annoyance at him and make sure he stands up to his mum.

You sound like you have irrational anxiety over your baby’s health. It’s not normal to have a ‘no kissing the baby’ rule and it’s not normal to worry about people bringing germs because they have gone to a big city before visiting.

I think you need to address this before worrying about your mil because it is no fun for any child to be brought up in that environment.

I’m so glad I don’t have time in my life for such drama. You must be knackered being so angry all the time!

Poor bloody baby, sounds like they'll be a pawn in whatever petty nonsense is going on between you and MIL.

Well obviously you’ve just given a snapshot of the situation but your level of anger does seem disproportionate to the situation.

Your MIL can’t make you “do everything for her”. You can set boundaries- “no, MIL, I’ve just given birth. Can you either sort yourself out with X or get DH to help you with that”.

Similarly you can agree with DH beforehand what are the hard lines in the sand eg no kissing baby’s face. If she tries to break that rule then DH can swiftly step in and deal with it. Some things you will need to let go.

One thing I’d try to keep in mind is that it’s a gift to your baby to have grandparents that love them deeply. You don’t have to like your MIL, you can have boundaries with your MIL but keep it proportionate and respectful. She’s your DH’s mum and your child’s grandma.

@theduchessofspork @MiddleParking @Dartmoorcheffy @DottyPencil

I said I was most likely being hard work and was looking for advice to help me not feel this way 🤷🏽‍♀️

Peer woman. Feel sorry for her having a daughter in law so up herself.

Very well put. I only have sons and some of these threads really piss me off. The father's mother is just as important as the mother's mother.

I read that from the POV of a mother of a son.
You hope they'll meet their partner in life, but OMG, what if their partner hates your guts for no good reason...

Yes I know - and not having a two week visit is the best starting point. That is ridiculous

I think you have an unusually high level of anxiety around your babies and that it might be something to discuss with your midwife or health visitor.

Some of your examples - no kissing, not visiting a city the day before - are definitely OTT. It may well be that your MIL is ALSO a bit of a pain and is dismissive of you, which makes it harder to separate your genuine concerns from your irrational ones. It's also possible that your MIL is frustrated with your irrational concerns and being a bit passive aggressive in response. Not okay, but understandable.

I think you should talk to someone.

Stop doing anything for her, be with your baby as much as you need and want to. Read up on the fourth trimester, I'm sure you already know. why are you on her? This is your time to bond with baby, mil can hold some of that time, but baby should be primarily with you.

I think it’s a sad world where a grandma can’t kiss her grandchild. I think you need to grit your teeth, or seek some kind of psychological help for your germ phobia.

The baby is more likely to catch something from your toddler. But that’s fine. Building immunity is a good thing.

My best advice is to recognise that you have a problem with you - not just with her and your DH.
Phillipa Perry is a great read. So is the book 'Attached'.
If you want to not feel the way you do, I think there's no easy and fast answer but that's where I'd start.
All the best.

She sounds like hard work and you sound possessive and neurotic! I think she needs to learn her place and you need to chill out!

I don’t know about no good reason, the comment about op’s bump being tiny does sound very annoying. It’s entirely possible the op has very good reasons for her dislike.

This time you’ll have 2 DC to distract her. So if you feel she’s hogging the baby, nudge her into playing with DS instead.

Also, you’ve got a toddler - the biggest germ factories on the planet, and the main reason second time mums don’t worry about germs any more! The baby will have had loads of snotty, smeary toddler kisses before MIL gets near them!

‘Mama bear’ usually means over mating and controlling.

How long are you expecting people to not do anything before they meet the baby?

I have been in an open plan office with about 200 people all morning. Would you expect them to work if they work in a similar environment?

And why are you with and having kids with a ‘mummy’s boy’?

The problem here, I think, that you are quite similar and in competition with eachother. And also, you really don’t like her and she relationship. But mantras of targeting your anger and annoyance at him you have piled the blame on her for all the ills on your world.

She is probably a PITA, but I think you are also blowing it up.

I think the feelings are normal for a new mother. You don’t like her and your instinct is to protect your baby . The reality is you don’t need to protect your baby but the flight or flight feelings are still going to happen. Talk to your dh about how to manage the visit. Of course she can hold the baby but not all the time. Your dh needs to protect your feelings which will be hypersensitive after the birth. Mostly you just need to breath and accept that she is in your life and you have to find a way through it. Good luck and enjoy your new baby.