The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

One day your son may have a wife and child . You will be the MIL …. Will your son be “ a mummy’s boy “ or will he just be your son who you love very much ? Will you appreciate his wife treating you and speaking about you the way you are talking about your MIL? Because remember your future daughter in law will be a “ mama bear “ too and she may think your son is a big mummy’s boy .
What goes around comes around

I would also be worried about germs and definitely no to kissing. This can be life threatening to babies! It’s your baby so if you don’t want anyone to hold him/her then don’t. Don’t worry about what other people think

I think there are 2 basic aspects to this:

Firstly, some of MIL's comments are unacceptable, and I can understand it is a pain. Once such things get under your skin it is very hard to avoid them looming large in your thinking.

Secondly, I think you are being over-precious about the germ aspect - you already have a 3 year old and they are pretty germy (unless he never goes out and mixes with others). If you feed your baby you will supply lots of antibodies to protect him/her.

I agree that 2 weeks is too long immediately after the birth when you will need to gather your strength and will not feel like standing up for yourself. Will your OH be there during those 2 weeks or will he be back to work at some point?

It's not bad for the baby to have its mother setting rules and being annoyed when other people break them

Doesn't the father have any say?

Personally I would respect anyone's rules about their baby, but I would not be able to develop a relationship with OP's baby. My MIL was not perfect but she was a wonderful grandmother to my dd and I'm glad I allowed her to hold and love my baby.

OP, most of the world's population lives in big cities and nearly every child on the planet is visited by people who have been on public transport.

You can't help how you feel but you do need to calm down and you can change how you act. You are totally unreasonable here and while you may have legitimate reasons to dislike her, you are coming across as batshit crazy here. Be polite, let her hold the baby, keep craziness to yourself. You risk damaging your relationship with your husband here too.

Yanbu, but you won't get much sympathy on here OP, as I think most people must be disgruntled MIL's! She sounds like a nightmare and agree firm boundaries are needed, but your DH should be the one enforcing these. I recommend breastfeeding if you can/want to and baby wearing, along with saying no!

the baby has two parents so no the OP doesn’t get to unilaterally decide.

Wow OP you do sound very very angry and hostile. Totally normal to not get on well with every member of your extended family. Bear in mind these are your thoughts and feelings and you are in control of them - you will need to relax about this because it's likely to drive you crackers! She is your DHs Mum so you will need to spend time with her but it's up to you to deal with your feelings. Only you can do something about how you feel.
What do you mean by Mummy's Boy? Does this mean he has a close relationship with her? There's nothing wrong with that OP.
Ask DH to back you up when you need space and time away from the fam when they visit - take baby upstairs to feed etc.
I actually feel a bit sorry for your MIL too OP :(

THIS!!

Of course she’s being totally unreasonable wanting to hold her new grandchild.

Posters who are saying things about family members kissing the baby “oh it’s just a normal thing to do”….
Have you ever had a baby in hospital with rsv? A common cold to adults but can be serious in babies, resulting in them needing oxygen and feeding tubes. It’s horrible.
Nobody should be kissing a baby anywhere on the face, it’s completely unnecessary.
So op is not being unreasonable to expect mil to stick to that particular simple task.

I think you need to stop over thinking this. I spent years trying to get along better with MIL and she was horrid at times. My husband was not the 'favourite' child at all. By the end of her life though we were firm friends and I understood a lot of her difficult behavior was due to her upbringing and lack of self esteem. My pregnancies were not high risk so I can't really comment there but try and keep in mind that this is just a visit and maybe she'll be a help too? If we always dwell on the expected negatives then we usually have a difficult time. If you put a list of rules and expectations out there you are bound to ruffle feathers and may well seem antagonistic. Also, I don't think you can close yourself off from people just because they are out in the world. Just ask for hand washing and taking care when handling your little one.

My MIL was a midwife and disagreed with quite a few of our decisions regarding our children when they were infants but we just didn't open things up for discussion and politely moved conversations on if it looked like we were in for an 'opinion' session. One thing I do remember is many a whispered phone conversation with my own mum or chat with my husband at bedtime that helped me to keep calm when I found it all too much. Which let's face it we all feel when we have a new born!

Good luck and do try and look for the light in the situation I think it may help.

What's a "mama bear"? seems a bit extreme to me

I think you’re getting some very harsh comments on here OP. Your MIL sounds domineering and controlling and there’s obviously a history here in terms of her behaviour towards you. This isn’t helped by your husband not having your back. The two week stay is ridiculous and no new mother should have to put up with that. If you’ve made it clear you don’t want people kissing your new baby’s face, or walking off with the baby then that should be the case.

You’re feeling like this because your husband is not supporting you. If you were both giving out the same clear messages then the problem would be greatly reduced. But the way it is you feel constantly on edge because you’re on your own with it.

Your baby, your rules. As another poster said, let her cuddle the baby but make it clear that that it’s your decision when the baby is to be returned to you.

This happened to me too, OP. I wish I had been stricter/firmer about setting boundaries.

My in-laws were with me for 2 long months and the MIL would always take DD away from my arms, as if, she belonged to her.

Once I was so angry and fed up, I did not allow her to hold DD at all for the entire day. She spent the next day sulking and passing the same comment over and over again for DH to hear, 'yesterday I did not hold DD at all'. My MIL is one of the worst women I've ever come across, she's despicable and knows how to play dirty games in the family. When she knows she's stirred up some shit, she will break into tears and everyone will run to pacify her and ask her what's happening, why are you so sad. She knows exactly what she's doing and she's getting away with her by seeking sympathy as well.

In my culture, it's a bit difficult to get firm with in-laws, I hope you stand up for yourself and do what makes you happy. I have issues with DH getting all soft and sentimental when I discuss how bad his family is, it's a tough battle.

Please don't let this woman walk over you, please 🙏 I'm suffering from depression after what my MIL did, I wouldn't wish that to anyone else.

Sorry - meant to add definitely say no to the staying for 2 weeks that's just too much. After my second I asked my own parents to go after 3 days as they were driving me bonkers!

YANBU. All these people saying it's fine to kiss a newborn are the same people constantly complaining that their child is sick but they "don't know why". I had the same no kissing the face rule as well as no shoes inside, washing hands immediately when coming into my home, and I had a clean tshirt you put on over your clothes before you held the baby. It may sound extreme to some, but DS is now 4 with only two bouts of illness to speak of in his whole life, so being over-cautious about hygiene does pay off. Obviously once the baby is older you can start to slack a bit and change approaches but now IS the proper time to be over-cautious. I wouldn't allow anyone to visit that early after birth in the first place, it's a time for you and dh to adjust and bond with dc. Yes everyone is excited to see the new baby, but to hell with that they can wait a few weeks

Have you emailed ahead to make sure the hospital staff don't travel to work via the city for the birth? Read your own words back op and try and see some points are quite daft... Added it isn't your pfb and things def are different with your second dc ime.. Unless mil gets cold sores why is kissing not allowed? Do people really kiss babies on the lips anyway?

My DM is the one who is obsessed with babies. Did the same thing. Got into a fight with hospital staff when he was born because she didn't think visiting hours should apply to her, moaned about my breastfeeding because she couldn't feed him etc etc. My MIL couldn't be more disinterested in babies. Now they are older, my DM is far more affectionate and loving than my MIL, who has no idea how to talk or relate to children!
As an aside, and as your IL's are travelling 8 hours to see you, are they coming from India/ related area? Is it a cultural thing? Your MIL sounds like my mother. She loathed her MIL ( my GM- she was quite unpleasant to be fair to her), it just seems strange to dislike someone so much who lives so far away!

That poor, poor baby....

Mama bear 🤢

She is only coming for two weeks and lives 8 hours away !! It is not like she lives next door !!
As regards the kissing - ask everyone to wash their hands before handling the baby.
Babies are generally more at risk from under 5's than they are from adults as regards things like respiratory viruses.
Obviously don't let her kiss the baby if she has a cold or has stomach upset etc.
Unless your baby is pre term or low birth weight then obviously he should be handled by the least number of people possible and certainly not kissing! try not to overthink the risk of baby catching something.

This will be you and your DIL one day OP!

Clearly you and MIL are so alike that you clash.

Both mama bears? 🤢

You can't avoid her as she's your dhs mother and it would be horrible for him to have to choose a side..you have to be cordial.Let her hold the baby, hopefully dh will be home too, try to call a friend if things feel heightened, ask her to cook for you so she feels helpful or she can look after the toddler.