The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

Your poor MIL!! I feel very sorry for her.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think that nobody should expect you to do stuff that isn't baby bonding and baby and toddler caring for a good two weeks after giving birth. And I think you should print out the NHS No Kissing Babies advice and tell MIL that since she cannot be trusted, she doesn't get to hold the baby at all. Tinkly laugh. Anybody tries anything you don't like, "no" is a complete sentence and waft off for a nap / feed / walk alone with the baby.

Tbh you both sound quite hard work, which is probably why you have issues as you both think the way you’re acting is fine and it’s the other one in the wrong.

your MIL shouldnt expect you to run around after her when you’ve just had a baby, make her son do the running around, or maybe suggest her doing some stuff to help. But it’s a bit mean to say that MIL can’t give the baby a kiss on the head or getting irate about the thought of her holding her grandchild. Also going to a city the day before isn’t the end of the world. Plenty of babies live in cities and are just fine.

get your DH to have a chat with her about being helpful and try and stop overthinking it all. Just relax and be happy you baby has a family who love it and want to be involved in its life.

The thing is OP, of course she is going to hog the baby. She is visiting for two weeks and lives far away so the baby will have a lot of focus from her as she rarely sees him. Any thoughts that she will hardly go near him should be removed right now.

You can’t live in a sterile bubble though.

chances are the staff at the hospital will have been out in public when your there. Presumably you’re not keeping everyone in your family in the house all the time?

some exposure to germs is normal. You can’t avoid normal activity

she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her

This sticks out for me. Your MIL is making the effort to visit for two weeks because she's so eager to spend time with her newest grandchild. Because she's a distance away, she will be trying to maximise that time. She's obviously got form for giving you tasks that you can't do with a baby on hand. However, a new mother's instinct is generally to keep her baby as close as possible once she's given birth. It's not to fulfill tasks for her MIL!

In reality, if you can't get her to postpone the visit, you're just going to have to be very firm. If she asks you when lunch is, say "I don't know, DH when is lunch?". If she wants a cup of tea, say "DH, can you make your mum a cup of tea?". Don't let her come over until 10am, 10.30am, ask her to leave at a sensible time, ask your DH to take her out for lunch etc, and take the baby for feeding and naptime as the baby needs. Let her have cuddles when the baby is fed, clean, awake and just mewing basically. Newborns are really only awake a few minutes at a time, and your MIL deserves to have some of that awake time. But to hog the baby, take it away from its mother when it's just born, is out of order. Let her complain: this is your child and you're only going to get this opportunity once. She's been a mother, it's your turn now.

Honestly, she's going to get incredibly bored after the first couple of days. I don't know what she thinks will happen for two whole weeks! Maybe your toddler will need looking after, and errands will need to be run as you'll both be exhausted...

She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come.

Are they 'lovely' enough to not be in the city? I mean, she may have arranged it but they don't have to agree. Or do you only want 'lovely' people to meet your baby?

You hate your MIL, that much is obvious. Because of that you are anticipating her behaviours. What if she surprises you? What if she is actually quite reasonable?

Why not imagine the best case scenario so that you can at least not be in a state of tension and angst before she has even turned up.

Or accept that whatever happens, however she is, it's going to be difficult and insist on cancelling the visit. (Two weeks is waaaay too long to visit a new mum anyway, even with a hotel).

TBH, I think your problem is more with a DH who thinks you are 'hormonal'.

Most MILs don't say "I'm looking forward to kissing the baby's face" when their DIL has explicitly said they don't want people to kiss the baby's face.
Many of us will become MILs. That doesn't mean we will indulge in some of the shitty MIL behaviour that we've been subjected to ourselves. We're more likely to do the opposite and make an effort to be better than them.

mama bear 🙄🙄

What does this even mean? You don't love your baby any more than any other mother you know.

Christ. You hate your MIL. Own it and be rational. One day you'll be the MIL.
Anyone can pick up bugs from anywhere and a city is not going to make the slightest bit of difference. It might be that she's trying to gently indicate that you're being a bit OTT with health concerns round your infant short of saying you're a nutter.
Also though two weeks is a long time.
Final thought is that people who call themselves mama bears are generally trying to prove they're better than other mothers in being hugely controlling.

Are the visitors going to be holding the baby? Give them hand sanitizer and masks. (This would also fix the MIL kissing the baby problem.)

Oh lord another precious mother !! DIL from hell comes to mind

If you genuinely do want help not to feel the way you do, I'd keep picturing your son, who you're so protective of, having a wife who doesn't want to let you hold the baby. You say you won't do/ say the things your MIL does but maybe you'll do/ say other things your daughter in law doesn't like or agree on, how would you want to be treated? Also look at your children, they can't have too many people in their life who love them, so nurture this bond for them. Your in-laws live a long long way away so it's not like MIL will be around every week taking the baby. Lastly you are pregnant and worried, putting this stress to one side is a kindness to yourself and your own well being.

This sounds mad. I’ve read the thread and I still don’t understand what is actually wrong with her holding and kissing the baby? In a safety sense? You, your DH and the toddler will be holding and kissing the baby- what makes you think she’s any more likely to give the baby some kind of illness? Have you seen what comes out of toddlers? And assume your DH is working? There is simply no need to shield babies from normal human contact, obviously assuming the person doesn’t have cold sores/ a stinking cold etc and doesn’t smoke.

To me it sounds like you just don’t like her- fair enough- but just be honest. Don’t dress it up as being for the sake of the baby. And for gods sake cancel the visit, I imagine it would be dreadful to be the MIL in that situation being close to your new grandchild for that long but basically not allowed anywhere near it without “mama bear” giving you the side eye or worse.

I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn

This is the bit that sticks out to me - it's not just about the MIL, it's about anyone. Feels like anxiety or OCD not MIL issues

' I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up'

What? That is so bizarre. Do you think babies who live in busy cities are riddled with disease?

It sounds as if the DH has married another version of his mother.

Mama Bear 🤮

@allgood3 has sensible and constructive advice on how to handle it, OP.

I couldn't read to far past 'mama bear' 😆Seriously you sound very similar to your MIL, I imagine your DIL will be posting similar about you on here in years to come. Just chill out, let it go over your head. Don't run around after her, let her mummy's boy do that.

You sound like a total pain in the arse!

You just need to breathe. Remind yourself that she is responsible for bringing to the world the man that you love. Give her credit for that.

Put yourself in her shoes; 30 years from now your DIL could be describing you the same way.

Regarding the germs, so long as they take their shoes off and wash their hands, which is good practice when coming home baby or not, your baby will be fine.

You say are a mama bear but describe her as the same. Something has to give. Let her hold the baby.

I have to agree with this.
It wouldn't occur to me that people shouldn't go to a city the day before meeting my baby. Are they supposed to quarentine for a week beforehand?
Let her cuddle her grandchild. Take the baby back whenever you want to but don't be awkward about it.

imho no one in their right mind would organise a trip for the in laws to visit them for two weeks after the birth of a baby no matter how well you get on and let alone if you don't get on.

You and your DH are being really unreasonable to have organised for them to visit at this time for this long. You both need to take responsibility for that. Its your life and your baby. You have agreed to this madness so i think you both need to suck it up.

You sound absolutely ridiculous.

So what if they are going to be on a train and in a city before they visit?? Do you think the people who worked down the pits had to wait 24 hours in quarantine before seeing their own babies?

Is your own mother subject to these rules or is that reserved only for your MIL? Are you quaking at the thought of your own mother holding your baby or other members of your family?

I sincerely hope your future daughter in law treats you the exact same way.

What is it with MILs not remembering how it was to be a mother to a newborn! 2 weeks! That sounds like hell IMHO unless they plan to cook, clean and walk dogs. The only person a new baby needs in the first months of life is its mother - the intensive grandparenting some PILs demand interrupts a mother/baby bond and is not helpful to baby-it's only selfish. And dads should be making sure the woman who gestated and birthed his child is supported. ignore the people complaining you don't like your MIL. Sounds like she doesn't do a great job supporting you and treats you like an incubator for her family. It's normal to dislike someone who treats you poorly and ignores what's best for baby.

My DM, a midwife, thankfully remembered how important the mother/baby dyad is and rarely held baby, instead doing everything she could to make sure I was healing and bonding with my newborns. She also played interference with people who seemed unfazed about demanding unlimited baby time. Do you have someone like this in your life to help you manage in-laws? It should be DH role, but in your situation that seems unreasonable.

YABU about this, does your husband never leave the house to work or go to the shops?

YANBU about the rest. Why doesn’t your husband listen to you? Is he like this in other areas or just where his mother's concerned?