The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

I always wonder why this "mama bear" description took hold. Bears do not make particularly outstanding mothers. They will usually go ahead and leave the bears to trail behind them. Those who don't follow won't be gone back for most of the time. If disaster befalls them, so be it. And if one of them is deformed or ill in some way, or simply if food is scarce, she won't hesitate to kill one or all of them to save herself.

It's quite common for a litter of three to be a litter of one or two by the time the bears are adolescent

She doesn’t respect your boundaries, which makes you angry. That’s a pretty normal reaction IMO
You are probably bit hormonal too which doesn’t help.
Your husband needs to step up to support you and protect the boundaries you set, so it’s not all on your shoulders.

Sounds like you dislike your MIL intensely and pregnancy hormones are further exacerbating the feelings.

I agree with the ‘no kissing’ but only on the grounds of herpes which needs to be explained in a medical sense by your DH to his mum.

When she’s there perhaps you could pop your baby in a sling so no one can take him/her out of your arms. Explain that people are welcome to have a cuddle when the baby has been fed/changed and ask if they would mind making a cuppa/grabbing you a sandwich etc while you’re tending to the baby.

I would be heartbroken if my son met someone who felt like this acout me 😔
Suck it up. Be kind. Let her be excited and just smile and ignore any advice.

'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face'

I would take this more as her demonstrating she listened to what you said and showing you (who she probably picks up hostility from) that she understands and is keeping to the, reasonable, rules.

Sometimes people give advice just to have something to say...the baby is going to be the topic of conversation, it would seem strange to you if they weren't, so what is there to say other than things that might cross into the area of 'advice'.

Lay some ground rules with your husband in advance. Keep them reasonable and brief - no kissing the baby, no taking the baby out of the room you’re in, the baby must be given back to you or your husband as soon as you ask. These are very basic and reasonable rules. Ask your husband if he can agree to help enforce them. If he won’t, suggest having them for two weeks isn’t workable, and he has to choose between having them stay and helping you enforce the rules, or not having them stay for two full weeks. If he won’t agree to either option he’s your main problem and you’ll need to plan how you’re going to deal with a man who offers you absolutely no support.

Your MIL sounds like a pain but I do also think there may be a hormonal element at play. It’s natural to feel protective but the anger is a fairly extreme manifestation of that. You should try to make peace with the inevitable - that she will visit, want to hold the baby etc. But you don’t have to give her a totally free rein; you can set reasonable and sensible boundaries.

Of course she wants to kiss the baby. The way to manage their visit is to make a decision that you are going to let your MiL help with the baby for two weeks and use that time to get the rest you need. She has bought up a baby, your husband whom you presumably love and has good qualities, so she’s not going to do any harm. They will be gone after 2 weeks. That is how my mother put up with her MiL.

It’s very normal, and advised by Lullaby trust and NHS.
Have a read here
https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/over-half-of-uk-parents-unaware-of-risk-kissing-poses-to-newborns/#:~:text=Wash%20your%20hands%20before%20you,an%20infection%20or%20are%20unwell.

I think you need some mental health support - please talk to your midwife who can refer you.

You don't have to live with this level of anxiety.

You sound bonkers OP! Mil may or may not be a pain the arse but bloody hell have a word with yourself! Don’t shit stir between your Dh and his mum either, it may not go the way you want! And try talking about your Dh in a more respectful way, sneery remarks about being “mummy’s boy” make you sound jealous and spiteful.

I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way

Yes, you are.

I can tell you and your MIL are very alike!

The advantage this time around with it being your second baby is that you can put your MIL and the others to good use entertaining your son while you have some time with the baby, and then let MIL enjoy all the baby cuddles while you enjoy quality time with your son.
Instead of dreading her visit and getting angry about it, start planning how you can put her to good use. Draw up a schedule if it helps you - flag the days you want her to take your son to nursery or on an outing? The days you want her to babysit so you can go out even for an hour?
For their Christmas presents, book them some activities during the two week visit like an afternoon tea out somewhere, so you know in advance what time will be with you and what time they'll be out.
But also, try to reset your thinking about your MIL. You already seem to love FIL and SIL? This ogre MIL married the FIL you love, and raised SIL and your husband who you love! She may be a know it all. Turn that into something positive. Ask her questions, it'll make her feel useful and she might then calm down with offering comments.

Maybe just be straightforward with people and with your worries and expectations rather than fizz and boil behind pleasantries or indirect instruction, and make everyone, including yourself, uncomfortable.

What is the problem with a moment's mild 'confrontation' that is then passed rather than weeks, months, a lifetime of resentment and misunderstanding?

I don't think you are angry about the idea of her holding the baby

I think you are angry about her not respecting your boundaries; and engaging in activities that you feel have risk (eg germs). You might be angry about this because you are fearful of harm to your baby; and angry that she hasn't listened you previously?

Focusing on her holding or not holding your baby might be less helpful- as this probably isn't the problem

There are different ways that you could approach things with MIL- either bluntly or tactfully- a tactful approach might be you sharing an article that sets out a factual basis for a risk you are concerned about (lullaby trust have an article on how kissing newborns can lead to risks (https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/over-half-of-uk-parents-unaware-of-risk-kissing-poses-to-newborns/)

Their advice is

1. (Wash your hands before you touch a baby.
2. Do not kiss a baby unless you are their parent or main carer – and even then, avoid kissing if you have an infection or are unwell.
3. Do not visit a baby if you are ill, have recently been ill or have an infection. This includes colds, active cold sores as well as diarrhea and vomiting illnesses.

You could share something like this with MIL with a friendly 'gosh have you seen this' approach?

So will your son be a mummy's boy when he's married? Or is that just reserved for your husband? Will you be a mama bear when he's 30? Or will you just see yourself as a normal mil?

kindly, you need to find ways to manage your anxiety.

You sound very unreasonable.

Very much this!

Maybe you need to reframe things. You interpret everything she is doing as coming from a place to annoy you or ignore your wishes.
Can you reframe it and try to take each thing she does and says and see if you can identify a good place that it is coming from

Eg. Can't wait to kiss baby... "I am so happy to have another grandchild, thank you for inviting me to see the baby"
E.g tiny bump ... "you are doing a great job of managing this pregnancy and you look amazing"

After a while you may stop seeing the bad in everything she does and see some good. She may still be annoying but you may not feel as annoyed

so what makes you a "mamma bear" and her not I mean her son is a total "mamma's boy" so that's obviously attractive to you. I don't see the issue you sound like 2 peas in a pod

One day your son will likely have a baby, and you will love that baby and want to cuddle it.

If she hogs the baby, swoop in with a smile and take him or her for a feed. Otherwise accept that this is someone who loves your husband and children. Of course she wants to hug the baby and that's a lovely thing.

YABU wanting to restrict their plans - what if your husband was going somewhere busy for work every day, or your eldest to nursery?

Agree that the contrast between you being a "mama bear" and your DH being a "mummy's boy" is telling!

I totally get where you are coming from, my MIL is obsessed with babies so when my first was born she was a total nightmare at first, holding him and refusing to give him back when he clearly needed fed (was BF), disturbing him when he was asleep so he would wake up crying so she could rock him back to sleep then just hold him, she would take him to his nursery and claim he had been sick on his clothes just so she could change him (I got suspicious of this after a few times and checked the still very clean clothes in the laundry basket).

DH had to step in and be very firm and she did calm down after that although she is a very, very good and loving grandmother it was stressful those first few months.

My second solved the problem herself by just refusing to be held by anyone other than me but prior to her being born DH had spoken to MIL to set some boundaries. I would suggest getting your DH to talk to her as she is far more likely to listen to him than you IME.

growing and birthing his child ugh that expression makes me want to get sick. You sound a bit over the top about her OP, that is his mother, nothing wrong with her wanting to see her grandchild.

“The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core!”

lol grow up

Madness

Keep them reasonable and brief - no kissing the baby, no taking the baby out of the room you’re in, the baby must be given back to you or your husband as soon as you ask. These are very basic and reasonable rules. Ask your husband if he can agree to help enforce them. If he won’t, suggest having them for two weeks isn’t workable, and he has to choose between having them stay and helping you enforce the rules, or not having them stay for two full weeks. If he won’t agree to either option he’s your main problem and you’ll need to plan how you’re going to deal with a man who offers you absolutely no support.

And what if the DH doesn't actually think these are reasonable rules? As in, he has is own personal opinion on what his mother should be allowed to do? Do his wishes just get summarily dismissed because he is a man and the baby's father is less important than the mother? He could equally turn round and ask himself how he is going to deal with a woman who offers him absolutely no support in facilitating a relationship between his child and his parents.

OP, rules around the baby need to be agreed between you and DH. Neither one of you owns the baby more than the other so you may need to compromise a bit. Certainly not wanting his family to go to a busy place the day before seeing you is pretty extreme so I'd let that one go.

For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP but then I’m in a similar situation (really dislike MIL, about to have a baby and dreading having to see her more)… I think it boils down to having to have someone around your baby who you really don’t like which clouds all rational thinking but the no kissing thing is perfectly rational and could be saving your baby’s life so she shouldn’t be doing that. As for visiting friends the day before, I don’t think you can do much about that other than asking your partner to check with her before they come over that she’s not ill. Good luck I can completely empathise with your position!