The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

Sounds like your mother in law wouldn’t be able to win whatever she did…

You sound completely nuts!!

Don’t be selfish and, put yourself in mil’s shoes. And, you have the power to create a happy place for your family, including in-laws, or a hostile environment. I would choose happy. If mil does or says something that you really don’t like, nicely let her know. Don’t hold it in and build resentment.

You are unreasonable for sure. BSC unreasonable.

Midwife here; the no kissing the baby’s face is actually advice we give new mums due to RSV that can be extremely serious in newborns (leading to hospitalisation).

https://www.netmums.com/baby/stop-kissing-babies-and-tots--mums-warning-over-common-childhood-illness

maybe share this info with your mil and dh and they may understand why you need to place a boundary?

Her husband might allow kissing, afterall he is the head of the family. His family, his rules.

I hope this is a joke or did I just travel back in time to the dark ages?!

OP, you sound really hard work (but I'm sure you're also very hormonal and overwrought). In most cultures on this planet, it's considered absolutely bloody NORMAL for close relatives to love up a new baby! Why on earth would you not want your parents and parents in law to hold your baby, give it kisses, etc? This seems really uptight and strange to me. And sad. A new baby in the family is an occasion for celebration and love, not having No Touching rules snapped at you.

As for 'picking up germs' en route - do get over yourself! 😂Do you really think it's possible (let alone desirable) to keep a baby in a sterile bubble? How far would you carry that? If you'd been out to the shops and it was busy, would you change your clothes before picking up your baby, or do the cooties only stick to relatives you dislike?

I actually don't get on with my PIL that much, and I knew I'd feel a bit possessive of my new babies when my PIL came to see them (not me!). But they are their grandchildren and they were so excited. Not to let them hold the baby or give it a kiss would have been cruelty and really fucking odd.

Is it an 'age-old adage'? Really? Funny, because I thought it was the same entitled bratty stuff that people have only really started spouting and validating in the last few years. You could probably get it printed on a cushion. You may have forgotten to add the 'hon' at the end, though.

No. What is 'age-old' is that we don't have our babies into a vacuum. Unless we're very lucky we have family, and friends, and those people ought to be important people in our babies' lives, not constrained by control-freaky rules. Babies are for loving! It's natural for grandparents to be excited by new babies! Their arms and legs don't drop off if anyone other than a parent holds them!

God people are WIERD nowadays.

This really isn’t the thread for the support you were looking for. No kissing the baby is a common rule now but here in AIBU it seems to be full of people from the same time/attitude as your MIL. What baffles me is that so many MILs think they can jibe away at and disrespect the mother of their grandchild but then think they’re entitled to do whatever they like with said child.

I am totally in your boat OP!
Hormones are underrated, ESPECIALLY after birth. You do what feels comfortable. If you choose to keep your newborn close then so be it, and if you chose the opposite then so be it.
You have reasons. People hogged my 1st baby for hours and my blood was boiling, but i thought id be nice and let them hold her. 2nd time round, nope, i stood by my feelings and it was the right decision.
If you do let people hold baby, and want them back, just take baby back/out of their arms amd say you nees to feed them soon or whatever 🥰

You both sound quite difficult. You both need to step back and see it all from the other side. Dont let anxiety overshadow this very precious time.

agree with this! I understand you so well OP, been in the same boat and felt the same way for the birth of my second, after feeling like postpartum with first baby was overshadowed by MILs behaviour. Set boundaries and give her a task : no one kisses the baby (maybe it’s easier if you let a heath worker set the boundaries so that they’re not directed at MIL but are broader?) and task her with keeping toddler loved and spoiled while YOU focus on the baby. DH needs to step up and back you to avoid resentment, but try not to make him feel stuck between his wife and mum which is unfair.

No one has reason to take baby away from your sight, f that, but of course people can be allowed to have a cuddle. Good luck!

Just cancel
Say you all have Covid or a really nasty bug that's going around
Life is too short

Actually when the baby is so newborn I don’t think you should feel obliged to hand them over. The mother baby dyad is so important, especially in the early weeks. I absolutely hated other people holding my newborn, I sometimes felt the need to wash their scent off my baby once they’d gone, and would do things differently a second time round.

No kissing is a totally normal rule to set, and frankly anyone who blatantly disregarded this wouldn’t be trusted to hold my baby. Do you think she will, or is she just saying so to wind you up?

If anything happens that you don’t like, speak up. I told my in-laws I wanted my baby in sight, I’m certain they would have broken rules we had set like no kissing if they couldn’t be seen.

What?!

Sorry I didn’t read all the messages so this might have been covered but if your eldest is 3 now then he must have been born during covid restrictions when kissing babies would have felt more unsafe.

If you are worried about germs could you maybe ask them to wear a mask during their visit?

Hello, I do understand how you’re feeling, it’s the feeling of being controlled and I think that causes anger and resentment. I’ve been through something similar with my MIL, she is nice and tries to be helpful but is overbearing/controlling and when I tried to assert boundaries with our baby boy once, she got rude and snarky.. which has lead me to retreat from her a bit, which is a shame because I want them to have a relationship, but on my terms not hers.
Anyway, my only advice is to breathe.. your MIL won’t be trying to intentionally cause harm to your little one, I know it’s hard when you feel a level of irritation with everything she says and does. Try to be objective, ask yourself is this her being intentionally rude? Or am I over analysing it because of my personal annoyance. Have a chat to your DH before hand about boundaries so he isn’t shocked when you assert them. Good luck! MIL’s can be a right pain in the arse- thinking they know best and giving unsolicited advice..

I second this. But You have actually changed what you originally posted. Your first post was asking if you were being unreasonable to be this upset, and when all the responses said yes, you are being unreasonable. Then you changed it saying, I know I'm being hard work I just want advice on how not to be.
Which is very different.
It sounds like you're MIL is tricky but also you're being highly triggered by her.
And that lies with you.
Starting to work on yourself is the best way and Philipa Perry is a great resource. Good luck

I think you are listening to your instincts & they are usually right. If there was someone you trusted & you knew would be careful around trying not to pick germs up & were clean, and they wanted to hold your baby (but making sure you were okay with this), you would probably feel okay with this? You know she has asserted herself in subtle ways & are wary of this. Your priority is your family & keeping them well. As others have said, she shouldn’t kiss the baby’s face. Partners will vary in how they support against their own family & this may be a learning curve for both of you that takes time. He may be scared to upset his mum. Ultimately your needs should come first & ideally some trust built so that you can feel more comfortable. Easier said than done, but I would discuss with health professionals in front of your partner. If they hear it from someone else they are more likely to act on it. Look after yourself & good luck. Stick to the facts and speak up for yourself. Two weeks at this stage speaks for itself.

They live 8 hours away, I would let her enjoy the time when she's there and then when she goes breathe a sigh of relief and relax.
It's not ideal they are staying so long but they are travelling long way and at least they aren't in the same house.
You can manage the 2 weeks, just take the baby out for some quiet time when you both need it. X

When Mama Bear met Mummy's Boy ...

Hormones probably are making themselves felt, tho your husband's treading on thin ice for saying it.

He wants his mum to have a relationship with the baby; whether it's father's mum or dad's mum they are both grandmothers. It's natural. But his number one duty is to the single entity (I think it's called a dyad) that is mother & baby, especially in the fourth trimester.

And two weeks is too long - but at least they aren't staying with you.

Your toddler is way more of a germ factory than your ILs, especially if they go to nursery etc.

MIL can't make you do anything.

You practice your boundary statements - this is your baby not hers, and you say what can and can't happen.

Get a sling so she can't take the baby out if your sight.

Ok as others have said ground rules.I aslo think compromise is key. Grandparents are excited too but husband should back you. Agree these rules with him first, get him on board then present a united front.

The no kissing baby, there are articles recently which can enforce the reasoning behind this, babies can die from kisses. Find that article, use that as the reason, backed by science that no kissing on the face, kiss the clothed belly, the clothed feet (compromise os key).

Somome mentioned setting boundaries around activities, youve just goven birth, dont host, dont cater, dont move to get people food or drink; simple - someone asks for something - I've just given birth, husband will get it, he jumps up to do whatever task.

Dont have them over all day, every day, set times and boundaries.

Someone mentioned putting baby in a sling, I like this idea but don't use it as a weapon.

Basically you have to recognise you have a problem with MIL, but she has a right to be excited, it should be a joyous time for you all so you need to get hubby on board with riles and act as a united front or else you'll feel alone and defeated and that's the root of your issue. You're vulnerable after a birth; he needs to step up and not be a mummy's boy, but you need to not be a controlling nasty vindictive cow as a result.

Chill, OP. Your baby is meeting their grandparents for a fortnight. It's fine.

If it helps, I lived in and traveled through a big city when I had my first. Used the station literally on the day he was born, in a city hospital. He came home to our city flat and was visited by our city friends, who used public transport to get there.
31 years later he's not only still alive, but very healthy and successful

Ignore the nasties here. Hormones cause havoc 😏

A two week visit is way too long but sounds like there’s not much you can do about it.

You will be very tired so look at it this way - if mil offers to hold the baby go for a nap or listen to a relaxing podcast.

Use her as a resource. Ask her to clean, do washing, sort the gutters out and cut the grass 😂

Be very grateful for what she does to ensure when she leaves the house is gleaming and you are rested.

Mil will be very quick to return baby when they cry.

Each time Mil takes baby means you get rest. This will help with the difficult hormone moods and being more rested and relaxed will make you a calm mum which will feel better than being a ‘bear’ mum.

Take good care of yourself. I wish you the very best 😊