The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

You sound very controlling and angry. Don’t deny your child a relationship with their grandmother just because you have control. It’s unreasonable!

it’s ok for you to detect what happens to your baby but your DH can’t be a mummy’s boy… very U

Your MIL managed to raise her son from a baby, to a man with whom you’re happy to have children. Try believing that she’s not as incompetent as you want to believe, and that you don’t know it all either.

Life’s too short. Relax, your children are going to be fine.

Totally pointless applause if you're not going to tell us who's said something well 🙄

Awful logic there. Plenty of people have horribly abusive parents but grow up to be good people still (and vice versa)
How someone is as an adult is not a reflection of their parents. It can have an influence, but having shit parents doesn't guarantee you will be an awful person yourself..

I think it's easy for moms of little ones to be overwhelmed with mammal feelings that complicate relationships with in-laws. I was. I remember being irrationally infuriated when MIL sent a large box of baby clothes. But I think it gets harder when one doesn't speak up and the resentment gets bottled up. For a start, the two week visit is too long. Husband (best) or you should make sure that gets shortened. If he won't, make your room into a little fortress, complete with door wedge. Have books, music, bottled water, snacks so you can retreat when you want to. Practice saying "Baby and I need some quiet time, I will see you all later." Super cheerful. Get up and leave. When you are out, wear the baby in a sling. When you want to, maybe for an hour or two, take baby out of sling for others to wrangle. It's your choice. Practice saying firmly "I will take baby now," for when you want her back. Then do it. If she turns away from you, stay cheerful, be loud, "I will take my baby now," and go right up to her. Have a list of useful things for her to do. Fold laundry. Change sheets. Empty dishwasher. Go and pick up diapers or meals. When she says she just wants to help, remind her of the list.

No, you should back your husband, and if he wants his mother involved then you should facilitate that.

Whilst I agree with you that the OP needs to address the issues she has (OP, what I mean is your anxiety is high and you could use some help with that), a lot of parents don’t allow people (grandparents inc.) to kiss their children.
I’m not one of those however if my kids don’t want to kiss their grandma goodbye, then they don’t and my mum accepts that

Omg so agree with this!

I think your anxiety is impeding your judgement a little. I don’t doubt for a minute she’s a bit tricky but you seem to be having an exaggerated reaction.

In your shoes I would speak to your midwife or doctor, maybe even try some relaxation techniques. Then see how you feel about things an a couple of weeks. Don’t make any decisions or do anything rash while you’re feeling like this.

I say this as someone with anxiety. I’ve learnt to recognise when my anxiety is up and to hold off from anything important until I’m in a better frame of mind.

Maybe you are exhausted. Look we all stew over things at times of stress.
choose five? Hard and fast rules and let the others go? And maybe there’s YouTube’s of letting go of anger you can watch, but it’s a process, and I’m sorry I didn’t see how much time you have left.

Also the labour was too hard for the visit. Your leg fell off. Anything

You are neither angry or bitter, you are full of the protective mama bear hormones that nature gives you, because it is vital that a newborns health is 100% prioritised.

She's being an asshole saying stuff like 'i can't wait to kiss the baby's face' and saying your bump is small so why are you moaning. She's been pregnant, she's had a newborn to take care of, shes had pregnancy hormones, she knows what it's like so it isn't nice of her. Shed drive me mad too.

ZOMBIE THREAD

Zombie...wish mnhq would lock a zombie thread

Where I live, many fathers commute by train to and from London every day

Presumably they shouldn't be near their babies, by your thinking. How about mothers who live in cities?

You're being ridiculous, and need help with your germ anxiety. That or you're just looking for reasons to hate on your MIL.

And seriously, spare everyone the mama bear bollocks. It's cringe-worthy. And bear in mind that 'mama bears' are likely to end up with mummy's boys.

Aaaaaargh.