The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

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I think you need to get propper help with managing anxiety.

It's beyond what can be advised on here.

But unfortunately, marrying a mummy's boy means he will never have your back, he will always be pandering to mummy.

I've noticed strong women often end up with these types.

@brunettemic right but I'm also not going to be going through train stations and walking through a very busy city the day before I meet someone's baby.
Surely it's understandable for me to not like those ideas when I've been told this pregnancy is high risk?

Just remember at some point you will be the MIL and you will have daughter in law's. Presumably you don't want to be kept from your potential grandchildren? I would be more concerned about the germs your toddler gives you their sibling than the MIL but obviously you dislike your MIL.

My advice is you tell DH you're the one he married and is choosing to procreate with so you're the one he needs to be sticking up for.

I would be irritated by a MIL who did that too. Perfectly normal and not just down to hormones.

Even if it were down to hormones, DH should have your back on this.

You're not "difficult" for setting boundaries as a parent and being annoyed when people cross them. It's your rules and completely out of order if she's telling you already she's planning on breaking them.

Don't listen to people telling you you're being difficult or you have a problem. It's not bad for the baby to have its mother setting rules and being annoyed when other people break them. This is ridiculous. Any time you don't want to sit and put up with her rude disrespecting of your parental authority tell your MIL "oh sorry, I have to take baby for a feed" even if you don't, and leave the room with the baby. You don't need a reason. It's your baby. She can do one.

You know that how exactly?

What if Muma bear kicks in?

What if she doesn’t like you and you can see her trying to create distance between you and your adult child?

That’s refreshingly honest. You can’t help how you feel but you can help how you deal with it. Two weeks is a hell of a long time, do they really need to stay so long?

So your older isn’t mixing with other kids, at all?

No soft play? No relatives kids? How long after the birth will this continue?

OP you sound as though you may have issues with germs that need addressing. Also some general anxiety that presents as irritability. I have this too so I sympathise. Try not to target your in laws or it might cause life long issues for you and your DH and your extended family. It's easy to develop tunnel vision with anxiety and you might be directing all your anxiety based anger towards your in laws. Try to grit your teeth and get through the 2 weeks , this may help you develop some resilience and the next visit will be easier.

@livelovelasagne was your husband a mummy’s boy when you met or did he become this way after you got married?

I understand where you’re coming from and I sympathise. I will say though, you say you’re a total mama bear. Your mil probably is too. Imagine years down the line when you’re the mil and the gran… but you still feel like the mama bear as you say… I can see how it might feel difficult to accept your ‘place’ in the hierarchy, how hard it’ll be to have no say in things even though ‘you know best’ and you’ve ’been there and done it’. Again, I totally understand why you’re feeling the way you do. I guess I’m in a position now where not too far down the line I might be the mil/gran and I can see how it must be minefield. Your mil doesn’t sound great tbh though and you’d probably feel so much better if your dh took your side. X

She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up.

I'm sorry, but this is bonkers. How do you imagine babies whose families live in big cities survive? Or how about the ones whose fathers commute daily into big cities to work, and then come home to cuddle and feed them?

Your MIL is only coming for two weeks, and then presumably not again for quite a long time given the distances involved. Suck it up.

Don’t do all this “stuff she expects “

Just sit around with the baby in a sling. Go to another room to feed them.

It isn’t normal to be this angry about MIL holding the baby, so you really do need to work through that. It’s unreasonable and you know it.

Try to arrange things with friends every few days so you have regular escapes from the pressure. I’m sure MIL will want to spend time with her DS too.

Amusing but ignorant. Half those things don't make a bear a bad mother and the thing about leaving cubs alone is just plain wrong. One of the first rules you're taught when you're in bear country is never, ever to approach cubs or put yourself in a position where you may inadvertently come between a mother bear and her cubs. She's there and she's watching and nothing is quicker to anger than a mother bear when she fears her cubs may be in danger. Which is actually where the "mama bear" expression comes from.

You both sound like an absolute nightmare. It’s a baby, you’re not the first person in the world to have one. You really need to chill out, honestly it’ll massively improve your life. You clearly have far too much time on your hands, to worry about something minor like this.

It's your baby so if you don't want mil to hold her/him then just tell her so. And if she complains then tell her that as she was in a busy city the day before, you don't know what germs she was exposed to and you're not risking anything being passed onto little one. It doesn't matter what arguments she comes out with. It's your baby and if you're not comfortable then that's tough shit for her. Don't let them make you do something you're not happy with. Sending virtual support 💐

It’s a difficult one OP, yes on the face of it you’re being unreasonable but your feelings are your feelings. I think you need to sit your husband down and talk to him about how you’re feeling, not what his mother does/did/says but how you’re feeling about her and come up with a reasonable compromise. That could look something like, MIL holds the baby but as soon as she seems fussy DH takes her back to you, judgemental comments get dealt with on the spot by DH, no kissing baby (probably reasonable), agreement on how long they’re going to be at your house each day/which part of the day etc basically you need to find something you can both get on board with and be a team and not to turn it into a ‘i hate your mother’ argument.

There's a saying....men marry their mothers

You both sound hard work.
Are you really thinking you can control where people go before they visit you? The latest craze for isolating babies is so odd....are you normally like this about germs....are you isolating your eldest?

Don’t come on MN & ask about anything serious, most of this lot use it as entertainment. One speaks & they all follow suit, like children really. They can be quite cruel too if you’re struggling.

I’d cancel the 2 week visit, & in spring time take the baby to see them for a weekend. You don’t like each other & never will, so apart from occasional visits there’s no point trying if she’s going to be a cunt all the time.

All of this. Not letting people hold a baby because they've traveled in a city the day before? How on earth do parents who work in cities and use public transport then come home to their infants cope?

All of what OP has said is unreasonable and excessive

And you know people (many) have babies in cities… or take them to cities. 😭😭

Unless you are having a home birth your hospital stay will provide you both with lots of germs. 22 years ago my newborn ds came home with whooping cough which nearly killed him. When I had my last dc new mil dumped us all. Shame she had met my existing dc and told them to call her dgm. Bonkers woman. Maybe give her a chance op. But tell dh he needs to back you or he can go back when mil leaves...

So if you were going to meet a friend's new baby, would you avoid going to a 'packed city' beforehand in case you pass on germs? If so, you need to be aware that this is not normal behaviour. Most people, when meeting a new baby, go about their normal lives as usual and then go round to the person's house and meet and hold the baby. If they were actively unwell with something then yes I would expect them to cancel. It was also normal for a period of time for otherwise well people to do a Covid test before seeing friends/relatives, particularly vulnerable ones, in case they were unwittingly spreading covid. But prior to this (and since the end of the mass testing) most people would only take precautions with germs as far as cancelling if they were actually unwell. It's not normal to alter your behaviour in the run up to meeting a new baby just in case you possibly catch something.

So am I not meant to hold my baby given I live in London?! Why are you justifying OP, clearly bonkers