The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

Jesus, just let the woman love her Grandchild

Firstly, I'm not that fussed about holding anyone else's baby myself, I'll do it if asked to but its not something I feel compelled to do.

Secondly your MIL is your baby's family like it or not and your husbands mother, I think you just need to let her hold the baby now and again.

Also I cringed when you called yourself "a Mama Bear" , no you aren't a mama bear, you are an adult woman capable of moderating your behaviour and controlling your impulses so I suggest you do just that.

I feel sorry for her, imagine when your son has children if their mother ‘shakes with anger’ at the thought of you holding your grandchild.

I bet you don’t feel like that about your own mother holding baby?

I don't think you can change your feelings first. Let her hold the baby and accept you won't like it initially. Feelings tend to catch up with actions rather than the other way round.

If you're a mama bear, it shouldn't be too hard to refuse to do everything for her, whatever that means.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel I don't know about 'no good reason' either, of course, as I only have a short post to go on by.
Nothing in the op suggested that mil is doing something to deserve hate/ anger though.

@MrsWhites I agree to an extent, but tbh I wouldn't say half of the stuff she feels the need to say to me, to my future DIL

Honestly? Sounds like you dh married his mum.

A 2 week visit seems absolutely ludicrous!!

Id think a 2 day visit would be reasonable to a family with a new born.

I completely understand your anxieties about germs and her kissing the babies face. Nobody should be kissing the babies face apart from the parents.

However, she is the child’s grandmother. And has every right to hold the baby and have cuddles. Try and see the “baby hog” as time for you to be able to have a shower, go to the toilet, relax and do stuff that is otherwise difficult with a newborn in tow.

If she does kiss or attempt to kiss baby then tell her no. Be assertive and clear with your boundaries. You need your DH on side with this.

😂 amazing. I have a “mama bear” friend and I shall store this for the next time she’s a little annoying with it.

OP - you are sounding quite unreasonable on the face of it but try not to worry. I found that my emotions calmed right down once the baby actually arrived and I was desperate to show them off. Just don’t be afraid to be calmly assertive if your MIL tries to overstep.

I was vaguely sympathetic until the comment about getting germs from a trip, then I honestly laughed out loud! You’ve not mentioned anywhere how you’re planning on keeping your toddler away from the new baby, because as you well know toddlers are about the most geeky thing in the known universe.

I'll just add I basically had to give in to DH and MIL as a two week visit was what they were insisting! Nothing to do with me

I feel like I've left out a lot of things shes said/ done which is causing me to get the YABU response. But thank you to those giving words of wisdom and advice on what to do as they've been in the same boat ❤️

What exactly does she say? The comment about the small bump was a bit stupid but it really wasn't so deathly offensive that she shouldn't be allowed to hold her grandchild.

It’s really unhealthy to be harbouring this much resentment and anxiety over such trivial things. Honestly you should consider some therapy to try and let go of your anxiety so it doesn’t impact your children. My own DF hated my grandma in a similar way, it was really toxic and it was him I blamed.

Sounds like there’s been lots of little things that have built to this huge hatred. Niggles that just poke and poke and poke untill suddenly your the bad guy when you snap back/say enough is enough.

Why are people obsessed with kissing babies anyway, gross. Don’t think I’ve ever kissed a baby that didn’t come out of me😂 don’t intend to either.

Just bat her off to dh… wants to hog the baby, well we can’t let Ds feel pushed out, you play with him I’ll feed baby, his missed seeing you. Oh Ds why don’t you show nanny how good at painting you are etc etc

I would have put my foot down at it being two weeks tho.

You do sound like you’re putting too much effort into thinking about this. Sounds like it’s anxiety.

Youll have a toddler and a newborn to deal with. From experience, any support at that stage is really appreciated. I doubt you’ll actually have time to focus too much on what’s going on. If you go on to have baby three they’ll probably be licking the floor before you notice what they’re doing. Life with more than one is very very different.

You need to get some support for your anxiety - this will rub off on your poor children.

hope the birth goes well x

Oh dear
MIL 'thinks' she knows it all
Whereas you, OP, 'do' know it all.
Hmm.

Look 30 years into the future when your young DS is grown up.
And has just produced a baby.
You will not be as up to date as your DIL on current precautions by then, I guarantee it, and you may well offer the odd crumb of advice, or do something which will be outdated or thought to be unwise. What would you like your DIL to do? Shake with rage and ban you from coming around? Or gently explain that things have changed now, so please don't do x when you hold the baby. But still let you have a hold, as you are family.
Please, treat her like you would want to be treated when it is your turn in the future.

Coming for 2 weeks, even a week, is too much! What is wrong with people who do long visits to newborns. Apart from my mum, I didn't see anyone for more than 2 hours at a time, it's too much.

Ps OP make sure you breastfeed and don't even think of expressing. Because this absolutely means the baby will be yours alone for those precious moments, and other people can't start to bottle feed the baby. The early bonding of breastfeeding (and bottle feeding) is so important for you and baby. When i bottle fed my oldest, i really looked in his eyes, but the difference was i was firm that only i did it (or my husband) and not my mother in law (it's just too soon!).

@brunettemic he hasn't attended nursery since I've finished working just to save some extra money for the baby and because this pregnancy is high risk. We do activities at home in terms of learning as I worked in a nursery before mat leave, but in terms of germs, he isn't exposed to any such as if you were thinking nursery/ school. Just the every day stuff that I'm exposed to as well 😂

This.

@NonPlayerCharacter did I not literally say I left a lot out?

But maybe the stuff you do say will irritate her as much as your MIL annoys you? Maybe she'll find you overbearing, or standoffish, or not understand why you never say anything nice, or why you give her so many compliments it feels false.

There are no guarantees you'll get on, but surely you'll expect her to allow you a relationship with your grandchild - especially as you're such a "mama bear"?

Agree you both sound difficult. My advice would be think about how your children will end up like your DH (mummy's boy) if you don't get a handle on it.

You sound dreadful. You also don't know the meaning of the term "gaslighting".

@livelovelasagne well in that case, if you and everyone else is exposed to germs how is the new baby going to survive if nobody exposed to germs can go near it? Honestly, it’s ridiculous.

I agree. MIL sounds bossy and difficult. But unfortunately, marrying a mummy's boy means he will never have your back, he will always be pandering to mummy. These men should have a warning tattooed on their foreheads so that women can avoid them.