Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

[onionparker]

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

YANBU. Maintenance should be based on his salary. Sounds like ex is being grabby and unreasonable, and DH is being unreasonable agreeing with her.

YANBU this isn't your problem and I wouldn't budge an inch.

Absolutely not. The children are his and his ex’s responsibility to support. Anything you wish to do is kind. But do not get pressured into supporting his ex’s home.

cheeky fuckers

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. They are cheeky bastards!

Are the children actually in need? Are they underfed, dressed in too small clothes, going without presents this Christmas ? It's still not technically your lookout but it might change my perspective slightly.
However it sounds like the ex is just jealous and wanting more because you have it, and your DH is agreeing for an easy life, which is of course not fair at all.

His ex is a CF and he's an idiot (probably guilt riddled) or even considering it.

I am amazed that your dh had the nerve to suggest that you should pay for his children when they already have a mother and father.

If you have his children with you three nights a week surely the maintenance shouldn't be that much anyway? Does she work?

I think the ex-wife is confused about people moving on and having completely different finances.

It's shocking, and very worrisome, that your husband even thinks this is reasonable. His kids, his financial responsibility, and his ex is entitled to anything.

Ask DH what his ex is going to contribute to your DC. They're being ridiculous.

No way! And I'm stunned your DH thinks this is a good idea?!

You already support your SCs at your own home, why on earth do he and their mother think you should be supporting her household too?

No chance. This has made me angry lol.

Not only is she a total CF, but clearly he’d rather upset you that sets clear boundaries with her.

He pays maintenance already. You are already subsidising him and providing for the SC via housing them and paying more of the bills.

If she’s struggling for money, that really isn’t your problem.

Forget the ex. She’s a cf but irrelevant. How and why does your dh expect you to fund his ex and children? Sure at nearly 50/50 there shouldn’t be much maintenance? Also he should be paying for them when they are with yous too. I hope you have protected your deposit, because it seems he has no issue taking from you.

It's an opportunity to review how much maintenance is being paid as if he is nearly 50/50 then it should be minimal. Your income already contributes to their standard of living.

It's not just her, it's him too. Why is your income known to her or anything else that the children might not reasonably know? They both need to jog on.

Unfortunately for you the ex is correct in that the household income is considered which is you plus DH and that you can't just "keep" your money separate

Which country are you in? This isn't the case in England

This!!

@Keepinmovin I disagree. I don't believe that courts are permitted to charge partners for kids that are literally nothing to do with them.

Heavens, I'd be rethinking my marriage to DH if he's so willing to drag you into his and his ex's responsibility. His ex divorced him, not you two. Cheeky fuckers, the pair of them. YA definitely NOT BU. And what about your children? I feel angry on your behalf. To quote Dave Chappelle, "Boundaries, bitch!"

YANBU. CMS does not take into account a partner/spouse's income, only the parent. The DSC are already benefiting (rightly of course) from the home that your inheritance has gone towards and presumably other things that are possible because you pay bills etc proportionately according to salary. The ex can asks for what she likes but your DH should absolutely say it's not possible.

I have seen this a number of times, a man with kids, their mother has custody, man starts relationship with a woman on a good salary, kiddy mother thinks 'we deserve a slice of that'. Or if not deserve, 'I bet I can shame him into it, the wimp'. With dire results if not firmly checked.

There is a calculator available that tells you what the government cms service would assess him as needing to pay.

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

If I were you I would check this and compare it to how much he pays already.

If he is paying less than the cms amount I would consider upping it (it's generally considered that the amounts from the calculator are low compared to how much children cost).

Otherwise, unless the kids are clearly not fed, no new clothes etc I wouldn't be considering upping it.

YANBU

Tell DH and his ex to fuck off

God loves a trier eh. DH should have met that attempt with a big hearty lol. Definitely fucking not.

She is majorly being unreasonable by being grabby and entitled. He is unreasonable for feeding into this nonsense. You are being completely reasonable. She doesn’t pay for your children and why should you pay for hers?

I would suggest she learns to manage her money better and / or earn more money. It’s not your problem.

I hope your not in UK and telling folk that....