Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

[onionparker]

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

Op doesn’t need to clarify as it’s nothing to with her if he isn’t

@AGoingConcern is talking of more important differences: two children having learning difficulties and only one being tutored, or two children loving a sport and only one having proper kit as well as the necessary parental support, etc.

Why should a SM’s children have to have their opportunities and experiences curtailed lest the SC don’t have the same (or more - no one ever seems bothered on MN if the SM’s children are the ones who get less)? Why should the OP have to make sure the SC get things so that she can spend her own money on her own children?

There will always be very real differences in a stepfamily. Inevitably. Because some of the children live some or most of the time in another household. They have a whole other parent in that household and whole extended family they don’t share with the other children.

The moving between houses and need to negotiate with the other parent can often mean that they don’t get signed up to weekly things. This isn’t the SM’s fault or responsibility to rectify. It shouldn’t mean she has to deny her children opportunities.

I was a SC. You just have to accept that your parents divorced and there are ongoing consequences.

why shouldn’t the child who has a parent willing to pay miss out on tutoring because the other has two parents who will not or cannot pay?

This is just life. Same with having kit or not.

That is something for their actual parents to consider. If they want their children to have equal opportunities then it’s on them to step up and provide them (or not enter into such a situation in the first place), not look to someone else to.

OP’s children shouldn’t be denied opportunities because of their siblings. That can easily create the same resentment that is so warned against when felt by stepchildren.

And I would never expect anyone else to pay for these things for my children. As would my DC not go without these things if I can afford it, just because their DM could not.

As PP says above, that’s life.

Because the children in question are siblings, and absolutely no one is suggesting that OP's children miss out on anything whatsoever.

Excuse me while I go call my father and tell him how proud I am of treating my step siblings and I equally within our home even though he was considerably more well off than either of their biological parents. That was always something I just took as a given because he's a decent human - if he didn't want to do that he wouldn't have married someone with young children, because those children are part of the package.

@onionparker I want to reiterate that I was making absolutely no assumptions or accusations about what the current situation is between your children and step children. All of this recent discussion may be completely irrelevant, and if so please ignore it. Your DH's ex is being completely unreasonable to expect you to give her more money regardless.

I simply agree with those who put the feelings of the DSC first in a limited, common sense way. Not to say that OP should be opening JISAs for the DSC, but when you can afford to treat impressionable young people in ways that they perceive as fair it usually pays off.

OP herself sounds generous this way. I pay no attention to the hypothetical tough guy opinions of people who haven’t actually been faced with such a situation. Glibness in these matters is cheap and easy.
Life is complex

You have absolutely no obligation to support his and his wife’s children. That’s on them. And I would question the character of the man you’re with - you say the maintenance comes out of his wage, which presumably means his wages are garnished because he wasn’t sticking to paying it? As far as I know, if it’s taken from his wages, it’s because he refused to pay. Be very careful, as this could be you if ever you split, so I would be even more careful with keeping your finances separate.

@ElevenSeven I apologise if I’ve misgendered you. You’ve referred in this thread to your DH and then later to your DC’s DM (I realise you could have a previous same sex relationship but the wording slightly suggests otherwise).

OP said "He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed" - I read this as the calculations are based off his wage, not that they're deducted at source.

Absolutely not. I'm a parent receiving maintenance from father who has rarely bothered with his child except to contribute the money he legally has to through cms. Never in a million years would I expect a penny from his wife, despite them both having high earnings and no children between them. My son is the only child they have between them. Never would I expect her income to be considered as my child is not hers. Ask if she was to meet someone new and they had kids would she expect to pay maintenance to their child's mother in which case you would be funding that. It's crazy.

Ah, okay. Mis-read it.

No one who is happy creating a household with that sort of divide has any business forming a blended family.
In your opinion, which when paraphrased turns into nobody should have a relationship with someone who has kids unless they're happy with:
step children: funded by mum, dad and step parent
Their own children of the new relationship: only funded by mum and dad, and will have to have less because apparently one set of children require 3 adults worth of funding

Each parent should treat their children fairly, regardless of which relationship they're from.
If children have different parents then there's going to be differences because they have different parents. It's not right that grabby ex partners get to demand new partners top up everything for their step children.

This.

I'd want to have a serious conversation with him about expectations and how far out of line he is. Does he want to stay with you or is he looking for an excuse to leave.

That's what it sounds like to me.