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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

290 replies

onionparker · 12/12/2023 12:01

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 17:46

So delighted this thread has gone the way it has for once, besides a few wistful handwringers.

Stay strong, OP!!

LolaSmiles · 12/12/2023 17:55

So delighted this thread has gone the way it has for once, besides a few wistful handwringers.
Same here! I'm not a step parent and think there's a not unsubstantial number of ex partners who feel very entitled to demand that new partner's subsidise them. Step mothers in particular get a raw deal from this type of ex. They are expected to be default childcare, drop everything in their life around the ex's whims (because you chose a man with kids), should keep their nose out of anything parenting related but should also love the children as their own, make their own children go without to centre step kids and should be very generous with all things financial.

AInightingale · 12/12/2023 17:58

If you have them thee nights a week that's practically split/shared care. Have you tried using the CMS's calculator tool to see what their mum is entitled to? I know it drops quite a bit if they spend a lot of time with the other parent.

Georgyporky · 12/12/2023 18:01

So CF ex knows how much you earn?
At best, DH is stupid for telling her........

Nowherenew · 12/12/2023 18:03

I do think maintenance should be separate and you already sort of contribute by paying half of the bills etc, so he has much more spare money than if he wasn’t with you.

You will get a lot of posts saying that having separate finances don’t work when you have kids though.

Posters say that any money made should be family money and you will most likely get a lot of responses saying so (or maybe not considering you’re posting as a women).

I personally think couples should have 3 accounts - 1 each for their own personal money and 1 joint one which they put eg 50% of their money into and all joint expenses come from that.
So the higher earner (you in this case) will contribute more but you’ll also have more of your own money too.

I’ve been shot down every time I’ve suggested that because many posters believe that all money should be shared but I think it’s very important to have separate finances too.

momonpurpose · 12/12/2023 18:17

Do not give in OP

WowOK · 12/12/2023 18:23

YANU. You are not financially responsible for his children. His maintenance is based on his income. I'm sure you already contributed plenty to his kids. If she wants more money she needs to get a better job. I'd tell DH to check the CM calculator to see if he is paying enough in case he has had recent pay raises.

Also, I'd see a solicitor and discuss how you can protect your inheritance in event of divorce or ypur death. You don't want to get shafted. You don't want your grandparents money to go to anyone other than yourself or your children.

I have a friend who's mum died. There dad got her money. He remarried and eventually died. He left all his money to his wife (friends step mum). When she died she left everything to her biological kids. My friend got nothing. Protect your assets.

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 18:33

YANBU on the maintenance. That should be based on your husband's salary, not yours.

You haven't mentioned the financial arrangements for the DSC so I'm not making any assumptions, but please do consider taking a hard look at the relative lifestyles of you DC and DSC and ensuring they're receiving the same support. For example, are there co-curriculars, clothes or tutoring opportunities that your children are getting but your step-children aren't? You absolutely don't need to support your husband's ex's household, but you and your husband's household should support all of your collective children fairly so there aren't haves and have-nots within your home.

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 18:57

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 18:33

YANBU on the maintenance. That should be based on your husband's salary, not yours.

You haven't mentioned the financial arrangements for the DSC so I'm not making any assumptions, but please do consider taking a hard look at the relative lifestyles of you DC and DSC and ensuring they're receiving the same support. For example, are there co-curriculars, clothes or tutoring opportunities that your children are getting but your step-children aren't? You absolutely don't need to support your husband's ex's household, but you and your husband's household should support all of your collective children fairly so there aren't haves and have-nots within your home.

That isn’t her responsibility. She already contributes when they’re there, and when she doesn’t in fact have to contribute. She’s responsible for providing for her own children, just as her DH and his ex are responsible for providing for theirs.

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 19:01

@notlucreziaborgia No one who is happy creating a household with that sort of divide has any business forming a blended family.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 19:25

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 19:01

@notlucreziaborgia No one who is happy creating a household with that sort of divide has any business forming a blended family.

Edited

In your opinion.

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 19:31

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 19:01

@notlucreziaborgia No one who is happy creating a household with that sort of divide has any business forming a blended family.

Edited

Pretty sure your approval isn’t required.

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 19:32

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 19:25

In your opinion.

Show quote history

Yes. That's what everyone is doing here - sharing their opinions.

Wallflower3 · 12/12/2023 19:38

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 18:33

YANBU on the maintenance. That should be based on your husband's salary, not yours.

You haven't mentioned the financial arrangements for the DSC so I'm not making any assumptions, but please do consider taking a hard look at the relative lifestyles of you DC and DSC and ensuring they're receiving the same support. For example, are there co-curriculars, clothes or tutoring opportunities that your children are getting but your step-children aren't? You absolutely don't need to support your husband's ex's household, but you and your husband's household should support all of your collective children fairly so there aren't haves and have-nots within your home.

I’m sorry but this is life. My DS has a higher standard of living that his step siblings. I am in a finance background and I opened an JISA for him that will mean he has a small fortune when he’s 18. I opened this. My wage pays for it. Do the DSC have one? No. Neither of their parents can afford it. That’s life!

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 19:41

AllisColm · 12/12/2023 16:55

Your H is trying to take what he thinks is the easy way out by agreeing with his ex.

This is possible. It is also possible that he recognises that he is not putting in his fair share. Unless the OP chooses to clarify it is impossible to know.

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 19:47

Wallflower3 · 12/12/2023 19:38

I’m sorry but this is life. My DS has a higher standard of living that his step siblings. I am in a finance background and I opened an JISA for him that will mean he has a small fortune when he’s 18. I opened this. My wage pays for it. Do the DSC have one? No. Neither of their parents can afford it. That’s life!

Show quote history

Savings accounts and inheritance can be more complicated questions, that's why I didn't mention them. These are children. I'm referring to the day to day things like who gets to take music lessons or who wears second-hand clothes and who doesn't.

But hey, no step parent HAS to do that. Someone's got to keep the stereotypes alive, after all. And when they're old and the step kids shrug and say "why should I visit her in the home or take care of her after surgery? She made it clear I wasn't her real child?" they'll be perfectly in their right to do so as well.

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2023 19:48

CF! They have 2 parents to provide for them and they're with you nearly 50%?! Just no, why should you pay for their dc. Is she going to contribute to your 2?

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 19:49

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 18:33

YANBU on the maintenance. That should be based on your husband's salary, not yours.

You haven't mentioned the financial arrangements for the DSC so I'm not making any assumptions, but please do consider taking a hard look at the relative lifestyles of you DC and DSC and ensuring they're receiving the same support. For example, are there co-curriculars, clothes or tutoring opportunities that your children are getting but your step-children aren't? You absolutely don't need to support your husband's ex's household, but you and your husband's household should support all of your collective children fairly so there aren't haves and have-nots within your home.

We can hold different opinions.

No one wants the OP to feel obliged to stretch herself, or to be taken advantage of. But no system is perfect and @AGoingConcern has raised a sensitive point. Sometimes what is best for one person harms another and in this case a two tier household of expenses would not be a nice thing for the DSC. Which PP sticking up for OP would want their own DC on the wrong side of this arrangement?

I will not disagree with all who say will say, in that case the DF should get a better job but point out again that this may be easier said than done and have may consequences for the OP.

Supporting the DSC means supporting them at your standard of living. Which it actually sounds like the OP’s family may do. She sounds generous that way. But again we don’t know.

InefficientProcess · 12/12/2023 19:51

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 19:01

@notlucreziaborgia No one who is happy creating a household with that sort of divide has any business forming a blended family.

Edited

Maybe he should have found someone who earned the same as his ex then, so there wouldn’t be a disparity.

Why can’t people just accept that the SC are benefiting from their SM housing them etc, rather than trying to insist that she isn’t giving them enough?

Everyone should be grateful that her greater earning mean they, for example, don’t share a room. Or get to go on nice holidays. Or whatever.

But for some reason people in MN are determined to focus only on what they don’t get and completely ignore the fact they’d get none of it if it were just up to their parents.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 19:53

Wallflower3 · 12/12/2023 19:38

I’m sorry but this is life. My DS has a higher standard of living that his step siblings. I am in a finance background and I opened an JISA for him that will mean he has a small fortune when he’s 18. I opened this. My wage pays for it. Do the DSC have one? No. Neither of their parents can afford it. That’s life!

Show quote history

@AGoingConcern was discussing opportunities within the household. A big difference.

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 19:57

InefficientProcess · 12/12/2023 19:51

Maybe he should have found someone who earned the same as his ex then, so there wouldn’t be a disparity.

Why can’t people just accept that the SC are benefiting from their SM housing them etc, rather than trying to insist that she isn’t giving them enough?

Everyone should be grateful that her greater earning mean they, for example, don’t share a room. Or get to go on nice holidays. Or whatever.

But for some reason people in MN are determined to focus only on what they don’t get and completely ignore the fact they’d get none of it if it were just up to their parents.

Show quote history

I specifically said that I wasn't making any assumptions about what OP and her husband are already doing for all of the children. It was absolutely not an accusation, just something to consider in case she hasn't already done so.

It's easy for adults dealing with shared custody to get overly focused on what's fair or unfair among the adults, especially if one party is being greedy or difficult, and accidentally lose track of the relationships between the (step)siblings.

disappearingfish · 12/12/2023 20:00

Lol. Your salary has nothing to do with his ex wife. If you lost your job tomorrow would his ex going to send you money for your kids?

YANBU and if your H pushes it he might find himself paying maintenance to two ex wives.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 20:06

Which PP sticking up for OP would want their own DC on the wrong side of this arrangement?

I would never expect someone else to pay for my children. If they have half-siblings who have more at their DM’s house (they have in the past), then they’ll accept it as they accept any other difference in life, as they’ve been brought up.

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 20:06

AGoingConcern · 12/12/2023 19:47

Savings accounts and inheritance can be more complicated questions, that's why I didn't mention them. These are children. I'm referring to the day to day things like who gets to take music lessons or who wears second-hand clothes and who doesn't.

But hey, no step parent HAS to do that. Someone's got to keep the stereotypes alive, after all. And when they're old and the step kids shrug and say "why should I visit her in the home or take care of her after surgery? She made it clear I wasn't her real child?" they'll be perfectly in their right to do so as well.

Show quote history

No one said they wouldn’t be. No one said a stepmother/stepfather would be looking for their stepchildren to provide care in later life either.

Just as OP has her own children, her stepchildren have their own mother, and I doubt they’re looking at OP as their ‘real mother’.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 20:07

Tacotortoise · 12/12/2023 19:41

This is possible. It is also possible that he recognises that he is not putting in his fair share. Unless the OP chooses to clarify it is impossible to know.

Show quote history

This, from@Tacotortoise