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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

290 replies

onionparker · 12/12/2023 12:01

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Crababbles · 12/12/2023 13:17

Random30 · 12/12/2023 13:15

I voted YANBU, but I think you might be being a bit unreasonable.

The flip side of “No problem spending money on my own kids” is that the DSC see their siblings getting more stuff and experiences and will assume it’s half from their Dad. I.e. you are putting something corrosive into that relationship.

I think the disparity the older children experience should be dealt with with tact and kindness. Including avoiding comments that suggest their mother is in some way lazy/deficient/defective.

But you shouldn’t be paying for them, No.

OP already pays for a bigger house to be used by SC and pays for their holidays, and presumably they’re treated the same in her household. It’s not up to OP to level the financial playing field between her and her husband’s ex.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 13:17

Random30 · 12/12/2023 13:15

I voted YANBU, but I think you might be being a bit unreasonable.

The flip side of “No problem spending money on my own kids” is that the DSC see their siblings getting more stuff and experiences and will assume it’s half from their Dad. I.e. you are putting something corrosive into that relationship.

I think the disparity the older children experience should be dealt with with tact and kindness. Including avoiding comments that suggest their mother is in some way lazy/deficient/defective.

But you shouldn’t be paying for them, No.

It’s quite easily rectified. In my situation, we just explained that I worked, and their mother didn’t.

Job done.

She eventually got a job. Winners all round.

Fourfurrymonsters · 12/12/2023 13:17

Vuurhoutjies · 12/12/2023 13:08

I think that the ex sounds like a bit of a CF wanting to get more maintenance becuase you earn more. BUT...

... I am a bit confused why if you're married, there isn't a bit more of a family pot. I mean, I get it that you were financially abused before and it certainly sounds like as the wealthier partner you're generous etc, but basically, by the time your Dh has paid his share of your combined expenses, maintenance etc, it sounds like he has very little left while you have plenty. You do share this plenty, but still.

I don't normally buy into the theory that on MN there's a double standard for men/women but in this case I am not sure. You have more disposable income, more options etc than he does and it does feel a bit uneven.

If it feels “uneven” it’s because he has a whole former family and the OP does not. This is not the OP’s issue, it’s for her DH to sort out. It’s not like he was hoodwinked into having more children, he presumably chose to and knew he would have to help support multiple of his children, therefore he needs to distribute his income accordingly. To be honest the OP sounds more sensible than 95% of the women on this site.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 13:18

Actually,@ElevenSeven , while you are correct that DH is the one who should step up if he is not paying his fair half of full expenses, I suspect it is hard on the DSC’s mum if her DC are getting treats and travel instead of basic necessities from OP and her DH.

Not to say the mum should directly get more, but if this is the case then perhaps OP could ask herself why she is willing to give her DSC the one but not the other? Mind, we don’t know that this is the case - but we have seen it a lot on MN. As her own DC are younger OP probably hasn’t thought much about the type of expense I listed upthread.

If DH is contributing fairly to DSC the woman is just a CF.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 12/12/2023 13:19

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:42

Also, where do people get the fundamentally wrong idea that their income has to somehow be equal or ‘fair’ to their ex?
It doesn’t.

Show quote history

Because at the point of divorce the law states the division of assets must meet the legal criteria laid out in the marriage act of “fair settlement”
the “fair settlement” is an act of parliament meant to avoid a situation where one party Sean’s off with excess wealth , and the other party has the future potential (even in retirement these days) of needing state support

so, at divorce it’s “fair settlement” based on circumstances at time. That mightn’t be 50:50 , although the courts prefer something close to that if possible.

and then a lot of people, presumably like ex here, assume that this is how it should remain for the rest of their lives. And whether it does depends on whether the financial agreeemnt made at time of divorce was a “clean break” type. If it was clean break (again courts prefer these now), then her ex could win a million on premium bonds and she’ll not be entitled to anything. If it’s not a clean break it’ll depend on what the financial agreement did say.

so, I think this is where confusion arises from. Legal “fair settlement” of the divorce does not equate to long term fairness.

horseyhorsey17 · 12/12/2023 13:19

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Of course you shouldn't be financially responsible for another woman's kids.

But having said that - I was one of the kids in that scenario, who had to see half siblings getting expensive holidays, clothes etc that I didn't. It does cause a bit of resentment.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 13:21

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 13:18

Actually,@ElevenSeven , while you are correct that DH is the one who should step up if he is not paying his fair half of full expenses, I suspect it is hard on the DSC’s mum if her DC are getting treats and travel instead of basic necessities from OP and her DH.

Not to say the mum should directly get more, but if this is the case then perhaps OP could ask herself why she is willing to give her DSC the one but not the other? Mind, we don’t know that this is the case - but we have seen it a lot on MN. As her own DC are younger OP probably hasn’t thought much about the type of expense I listed upthread.

If DH is contributing fairly to DSC the woman is just a CF.

Because the only way a SM should be contributing to their DSC (if they want to) is by contributing to when they are with them in their household, ie taking them on holiday.

Why on earth would she send money to the ex so she could treat them too.

This is nothing to do with OP, even if they do have a disparate income at their DM’s house. That will actually often be the case; that’s life. It’s not for the OP to make that ‘fair’.

Wallflower3 · 12/12/2023 13:22

Same thing happened mr OP. I’m on a brilliant salary, DH is on half that salary. We recently bought a pretty high end jeep before our DS was born, we go to hotels regularly etc etc and his ex tried to demand more money for their two kids. I went ballistic as I didn’t work my ass off to subsidise her. DH agreed and he pays per maintenance calculation and then buys any extra they need. I feel for you though because there was a time his ex put the waterworks on and was like they only have the bare minimum for school etc (total BS) and he started to consider it and I was like wtf and it hurt like hell. He seen sense though. Your money is yours and you don’t have to justify it in any way. It’s yours, end of.

Crayfishforyou · 12/12/2023 13:23

Yanbu.
DH’s ex tried this. I told her i would happily do a DNA test, and if it turned out I had fathered dsd then i would happily contribute.
I also pointed out I was paying towards all living expenses including rent for dsd’s bedroom, and the shopping whilst she was with us. I would buy her treats and little bits and bobs anyway.
It didn't go down well.

GreatGateauxsby · 12/12/2023 13:24

Cheeky fucks.

Tell him to take it out of his personal spends.

No more drinking
Only cheap or free days out with mates (no football, concerts or events)
No new clothes. he can get his clothes from second hand shops or vinted.

Ps.
by using you inheritance as a deposit on your house you unfortunately mingled it and it's now communal property meaning he can make a claim on it if / when you divorce.
You should consider seeing a solicitor to ring fence it retrospectively. You will prob need to pay for him to see an independent solicitor too.

Crababbles · 12/12/2023 13:25

horseyhorsey17 · 12/12/2023 13:19

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Of course you shouldn't be financially responsible for another woman's kids.

But having said that - I was one of the kids in that scenario, who had to see half siblings getting expensive holidays, clothes etc that I didn't. It does cause a bit of resentment.

Who did you resent, and how do you feel about it now?

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 13:25

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 13:18

Actually,@ElevenSeven , while you are correct that DH is the one who should step up if he is not paying his fair half of full expenses, I suspect it is hard on the DSC’s mum if her DC are getting treats and travel instead of basic necessities from OP and her DH.

Not to say the mum should directly get more, but if this is the case then perhaps OP could ask herself why she is willing to give her DSC the one but not the other? Mind, we don’t know that this is the case - but we have seen it a lot on MN. As her own DC are younger OP probably hasn’t thought much about the type of expense I listed upthread.

If DH is contributing fairly to DSC the woman is just a CF.

It may be hard on the SC’s mother, but that isn’t OP’s problem to solve.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 13:27

That’s the legal answer, @ElevenSeven

I don’t think it is the full story. As I said earlier, I agree with you that money should not be given directly to the mum.

Takenoprisoner · 12/12/2023 13:30

Chamomileteaplease · 12/12/2023 12:07

I am amazed that your dh had the nerve to suggest that you should pay for his children when they already have a mother and father.

If you have his children with you three nights a week surely the maintenance shouldn't be that much anyway? Does she work?

I think the ex-wife is confused about people moving on and having completely different finances.

This is everything I wanted to say. Say no, and mean it.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 12/12/2023 13:32

I’m a bit confused why you married Op?
nowt to do with ex situation-not arguing you don’t need to pay for that
but you do seem very concerned to hold your finances quite separate, and by law marriage does not give you those “rights” as such.
if you and dh did divorce later, he would have a claim on all your assets. Even pre nups are not a given in English court if there is limited wealth and it will leave one partner worse off to the point of being at risk of state support . That’s the courts job wrt “fair settlement”. Sure, in a short marriage, without kids, then a court will look to preserve assets attained prior to marriage. But with kids etc then that isn’t the main priority.

seems like if you wanted financial security and autonomy, getting married wasn’t the best plan there. And to continue to conduct your marriage with completely separate finances could go as far as being a tadge financial abusive, if dh is struggling to make ends meet and you’re protecting your wealth.

as I said, no you should not being paying to even up ex’s lifestyle, or even what the kids get whilst at her house. And dh shouldn’t be emotionally blackmailed into that, by an ex playing the poor me card. He needs to provide the min required by law, plus other reasonable expenses to wife they’ve agreed, and make sure he increases these to reflect RPI etc.
Then use his income, and yours, to give them similar lifestyle as your dc and shared dc get, when they’re with him. If that leaves him harder up then you, then you should be equalising that so you both, in marriage, are equallly benefitting from opportunity that you combined wealth brings. That’s the whole premise of marriage, legally,

Scottishskifun · 12/12/2023 13:32

Your DH ex is being a cf and if nearly 50/50 then why is he paying maintenance rather then getting them what they need for being with you?!

It's not for you to subsidise her household and its not for your DH to demand you to. Given they are with you 3 days a week you are already indirectly contributing anyway via food shop, energy bills, clothing, petrol if they need running about etc etc etc.

Would just be clear to your DH you already are contributing by these extra costs (teenagers are not cheap to feed!) And you won't be giving over extra cash because his ex wants more money!

Nicole1111 · 12/12/2023 13:34

The audacity of her (and him for going along with it).

Andthereyougo · 12/12/2023 13:35

Totally, 100% no.
You and DH have the children 3 nights a week and she wants more money? I’d be telling her where to go. Grabby cow.
Stand your ground.

TrashedSofa · 12/12/2023 13:35

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 13:18

Actually,@ElevenSeven , while you are correct that DH is the one who should step up if he is not paying his fair half of full expenses, I suspect it is hard on the DSC’s mum if her DC are getting treats and travel instead of basic necessities from OP and her DH.

Not to say the mum should directly get more, but if this is the case then perhaps OP could ask herself why she is willing to give her DSC the one but not the other? Mind, we don’t know that this is the case - but we have seen it a lot on MN. As her own DC are younger OP probably hasn’t thought much about the type of expense I listed upthread.

If DH is contributing fairly to DSC the woman is just a CF.

Seems fairly obvious it's the formalisation and expectation that are the problem for OP, which doesn't surprise me in someone who's been financially abused in the past. The limitation on her independence.

That said, if DH wants to pay more from his own income, it might be appropriate for OP to support him by reframing family spending to facilitate that. So if eg he pays 1/3 of holiday costs and her 2/3, she could agree they go away for 1 week instead of 2, they could jointly agree to cut down on takeaways etc. There are ways she could help without taking on an additional financial commitment herself.

19lottie82 · 12/12/2023 13:38

If his ex moved in a new partner, would she suggest that maintenance is reduced? Thought not.

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 13:39

@notlucreziaborgia I don’t care whether it is hard on the DSC’s mum. I do care whether it is hard on the DSC. Including CM their DF should be paying half their necessary expenses. This doesn’t include treats such as holidays abroad. Other very expensive optionals shouldn’t count either as they don’t replace necessities.

If DF cannot do this, then what? One option is to earn more, another is to turn to his DW. Any solution is likely to have ramifications for OP.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/12/2023 13:41

Definitely should be on his salary alone unless he is doing reduced hours to look after your joint children/enable you to work and earn more in which case I think it’s fair to partially incorporate yours.

viques · 12/12/2023 13:43

While you are not contributing directly to the SC they are benefitting from the financial and other inputs you make into your own household which they benefit from directly. Why would you also contribute to another persons household?

ActDottie · 12/12/2023 13:43

They’re both cheeky fuckers! I’m so shocked they even have the balls to suggest it. Stand firm and say no.

Merseymum1980 · 12/12/2023 13:45

Child maintenance take our full household income into account