Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

[onionparker]

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

Tik tok 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

So pretty much a consensus above apart from the poster who was mistaken.

I do think you need to be sensitive here, though.

If you and your husband can afford to take his children on expensive holidays and generally have a much nicer lifestyle, because of your income, I can understand why that would seem unfair to a woman who was struggling financially. And children can be absolute sods about moaning at the parent who can’t treat them like the richer parent does.

That doesn’t mean you should give her any of your income. But maybe think about not making the disparity too obvious.

Thick Tok, surely?

YANBU

If the mother wants more money (as long as the father is paying the correct amount of maintenance) then she needs to go out & earn more.

I’m a SM - my DH’s EW is also grabby and has tried to pull this stunt. It’s the reason I got a pre nup & like you keep our finances separate. While I work my arse off, she chooses to work PT 3 days a week (kids are 15 & 18) but is always demanding more money (my DH pays over £10k a year CM).

Do not pay - they aren’t your children and are not your responsibility.

That video is for people who are in the middle of getting divorced and agreeing a financial settlement.

It’s not relevant here.

The OP’s income has absolutely no bearing on his maintenance obligations. And the courts are not going to get involved with this.

You’re really getting guidance from TikTok instead of the government site?

That video says the ex is “entitled to ask” about a new partner’s income. You can ask what you want, doesn’t mean there’s any requirement to answer. Bear in mind this is a solicitor trying to get money.

The CMS calculations, on NRP’s income alone, is used for situations where the dad earns up to about 250k.

Poster can’t even understand what she is saying, she’s talking about financial orders, not CMS. Honestly, I despair

Good point! The only way it would be fair is if she paid you money for your kids if she wants you to pay for her kids.

You owe her/ her household nothing.

He made the decision to get with another woman and have more children so it's up to him to earn enough money to provide for both sets of children.

If his job at the money isn't enough then he has to look for a better paying job, or find an additional income or study whilst working to improve his chances of getting a better job.

The ex is jealous.

@ElevenSeven points out that if the mum is assuming too many expenses it is for OP’s DH to make them up. Her point is excellent.

But I am wondering if he has told her that he cannot, or more broadly, if there us a disconnect in communications and OP doesn’t know the full story

Why should the ex’s feelings be the determining factor.

Surely she should be pleased that her children get nice holidays and a better lifestyle because their SM is generous enough to provide it.

So what if the ex feels a bit crap? She could use that to motivate herself to improve her own lifestyle.

Perhaps ops husbands ex watched the same thing as @Keepinmovin and similarly didn't understand.

Pre-nups aren’t legally enforceable in the UK. Your husband’s ex isn’t entitled to your salary regardless.

Wrong.

So their dc get 3 adults financially supporting them whilst your own dc only 2.?.
Fuck that.
End of conversation imo.
No discussion needed imo. Both a pot of cheeky twats. I would seriously think about your future with your dh op.

The tiktok is the legalqueen who does a whole series on divorce etc. I just shared the tiktok as it was easier to share but she is legit
Sorry if I was wrong. I just remember being surprised at it when I heard it so thought it was different. I'll get my post removed

@Keepinmovin are you this ex here? That’s the only explanation I can think of for all your ill-informed nonsense

I apologise for being wrong. I based it on information I'd had from a reliable source.

No need to be nasty

His ex needs to earn more cash if she wants more to spend... Isn't that what people do? Not sponge off someone not remotely related to them.

Not the case at all - totally incorrect.

And rightly so. Why do you think another women should pay for kids that aren’t hers?

I find that tiktoker, irritating btw.

It would not be ‘really unfair’ to not taking the new GF’s income and assets into account. It IS unfair that the courts choose to have one woman subsidise another (via paying for the man in the middle).

The law is quite stupid about divorce in many ways. This is one of them.

Of course, the answer is never to live with a man who is still married to someone else. Or even a divorced man if he hasn’t got a proper financial settlement as part of that divorce.

The DH here is long divorced. Presumably he’s got a financial settlement. So nothing in that video is in any way relevant to anything.

May as well post a tik tok of someone making soap as evidence that you’re right. It would be equally relevant.

greencheetah · Today 12:19

YANBU

Tell DH and his ex to fuck off

Absolutely!

OMG I have apologised 3 x already and requested my post to be removed

Jeeze stand down everyone

It’s a series on divorce. For people
undergoing that process.

It doesn’t apply once the divorce is concluded.