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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

290 replies

onionparker · 12/12/2023 12:01

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:37

Babymamamama · 12/12/2023 12:26

I thought CMS look at household income especially when you are married. Why do so many people think this is not the case?

Because it isn’t. HTH.

Workingmammabear · 12/12/2023 12:38

@Crababbles because the ex couldn't possibly drag her lazy ass to work whilst her 7 year old is at school, so there's a big discrepancy in his earnings Vs hers. (she doesn't earn), we've been guided to contribute. OH feels guilt so refused to argue it, and I don't want to get involved!

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:38

ChainBastard · 12/12/2023 12:06

Are the children actually in need? Are they underfed, dressed in too small clothes, going without presents this Christmas ? It's still not technically your lookout but it might change my perspective slightly.
However it sounds like the ex is just jealous and wanting more because you have it, and your DH is agreeing for an easy life, which is of course not fair at all.

Doesn’t matter.

Viviennemary · 12/12/2023 12:39

Up to you. But I can see why his ex feels he should pay more if he has a better standard of living that his children.

Toomuchcawfee · 12/12/2023 12:39

YANBU. Stand firm.

Whataretheodds · 12/12/2023 12:39

Hard no from me.

Was a financial consent order finalised as part of the divorce?

Does she work FT?

The only time I think a pooled arrangement is worth considering is if the children are preschool and the mother is struggling to feed and clothe them because of the cost of childcare to allow her to work. Or where the NRP father gives up work/becomes self-employed in order to minimise maintwnance payable (living on his new partner's salary or charging everything car phone etc as business expense).

But in your circumstances, no.

InefficientProcess · 12/12/2023 12:39

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

I wish people wouldn’t come on to MN and give wildly inaccurate advice like this.

It is NOT the OP’s responsibility to contribute to his ex’s household. Nor should he get out of contributing to his own household because he’s paying maintenance.

There may well be a difference in lifestyle between households because the OP earns more and provides a better lifestyle. Everyone should simply be grateful that she is providing this, rather than expecting her to prop up the other household.

If the children’s mother wants to provide a better lifestyle for her children, then she has to figure out how to do that herself.

Crababbles · 12/12/2023 12:39

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:36

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle"

No, this is a non-starter. You do not pay for DSC and certainly not for their lifestyle at their DM’s home.

CF-ery of the highest order.

Realistically if you’re the higher earner living with someone who has children, you inevitably DO end up paying for those children. But the line should definitely be drawn on sending your money to their other household.

OP be careful he doesn’t con you into this by stealth. How will you feel if he ups his payments to his ex, meaning he’s contributing less to your joint household and shared children?

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 12/12/2023 12:40

Viviennemary · 12/12/2023 12:39

Up to you. But I can see why his ex feels he should pay more if he has a better standard of living that his children.

WHY??? she could increase her earnings? Why is she so pathetic and ridiculous and entitled she still wants her ex to pay for her her????

bloody hell?

TomatoSandwiches · 12/12/2023 12:40

If she wants a better standard of living she has 3 days and nights she can work longer hours or a second job to achieve that.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:40

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Absolute guff. Thankfully.

OP, if you really want to put this to bed, ring a family
lawyer for a free 30 minute consultation. Their words to me - you could win the euromillions tomorrow and DH’s ex would have no stake in it whatsoever.

Crababbles · 12/12/2023 12:41

Workingmammabear · 12/12/2023 12:38

@Crababbles because the ex couldn't possibly drag her lazy ass to work whilst her 7 year old is at school, so there's a big discrepancy in his earnings Vs hers. (she doesn't earn), we've been guided to contribute. OH feels guilt so refused to argue it, and I don't want to get involved!

More fool him! I hope you’re not subsidising it.

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 12/12/2023 12:41

Babymamamama · 12/12/2023 12:26

I thought CMS look at household income especially when you are married. Why do so many people think this is not the case?

Because the CMS doesn't.

AyCaray · 12/12/2023 12:41

CwmYoy · 12/12/2023 12:35

If you have them 3 nights a week then she should not get very much at all, surely.

Less to her not more. Bloody cheek.

Absolutely this.

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 12:42

Oh hell no. Stick to your guns OP, this is not in any way your responsibility.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:42

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 12/12/2023 12:40

WHY??? she could increase her earnings? Why is she so pathetic and ridiculous and entitled she still wants her ex to pay for her her????

bloody hell?

Show quote history

Also, where do people get the fundamentally wrong idea that their income has to somehow be equal or ‘fair’ to their ex?
It doesn’t.

InefficientProcess · 12/12/2023 12:42

Viviennemary · 12/12/2023 12:39

Up to you. But I can see why his ex feels he should pay more if he has a better standard of living that his children.

He’s not paying for that lifestyle though.

So his ex would be entirely wrong to feel that way. Indeed, she should be grateful that he’s providing additional maintenance because the OP is picking up the slack and paying more for him.

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 12:44

Viviennemary · 12/12/2023 12:39

Up to you. But I can see why his ex feels he should pay more if he has a better standard of living that his children.

he has his children nearly 50% of the time. In that time they are benefiting from said better standard of living. If their mother wants a better standard of living at her house then it’s up to her to improve her situation herself.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:44

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 12:31

Hi, OP -

You sound very generous, and I voted YANBU, but there is always room for misunderstanding on Mumsnet. Like @Octavia64 I would want to confirm that your DH is paying at least the minimum support for a parent who has his DC three nights a week. And also to confirm that you are in a country like England where only the parent’s income is taken into account by the courts.

Then I would want to confirm that your generosity as a household with your DSC really does come close to 3/7 of their basic expenses. It’s great to give them treats and holidays, but are you paying proportionately for school uniforms, after school clubs, school trips, sporting and hobby expenses, presents to be bought, etc? This is the stuff that might be outside your awareness and could really add up. If their mum is absorbing a load of unseen expenses that is not right. Having the children 3/7 of the the time is seen by the courts as a proxy for covering 3/7 of their basic expenses.

Even if this were the case, this would be for the DF to make up the difference, never the OP.

OldTinHat · 12/12/2023 12:44

No. YANBU. Stick to your guns. Your money is yours. Their children are theirs. No way should you be paying.

Keepinmovin · 12/12/2023 12:44

SecondUsername4me · 12/12/2023 12:17

Unfortunately for you the ex is correct in that the household income is considered which is you plus DH and that you can't just "keep" your money separate

Which country are you in? This isn't the case in England

Actually it is I'm afraid. Despite it seems very unfair I agree

https://www.tiktok.com/@thelegalqueen/video/7236850829548948762

TikTok - Make Your Day

https://www.tiktok.com/@thelegalqueen/video/7236850829548948762

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 12:45

I don’t like the sound of the ex any more than anyone else does and voted YANBU.

But why is no one else open to the possibility that OP’s DH could be ‘letting’ the ex assume an unfair portion of basic expenses for the DSC, and OP is unaware? We see this all the time on other threads.

InefficientProcess · 12/12/2023 12:46

Keepinmovin · 12/12/2023 12:44

Actually it is I'm afraid. Despite it seems very unfair I agree

https://www.tiktok.com/@thelegalqueen/video/7236850829548948762

Show quote history

They are already long divorced and have a financial settlement.

So that video is entirely irrelevant. All she’s entitled to now is the basic CMS minimum rate.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:46

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 12:45

I don’t like the sound of the ex any more than anyone else does and voted YANBU.

But why is no one else open to the possibility that OP’s DH could be ‘letting’ the ex assume an unfair portion of basic expenses for the DSC, and OP is unaware? We see this all the time on other threads.

Because it’s nothing to do with the OP, even if he is. That’s for him to rectify.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 12/12/2023 12:46

InefficientProcess · 12/12/2023 12:46

They are already long divorced and have a financial settlement.

So that video is entirely irrelevant. All she’s entitled to now is the basic CMS minimum rate.

Show quote history

Also lol at TikTok ‘evidence’ 🤣🤣🤣