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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

290 replies

onionparker · 12/12/2023 12:01

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Catsknowbest · 12/12/2023 12:26

Good God no. What a cheek!!

SinnerBoy · 12/12/2023 12:26

She's completely out of order and has absolutely no right to expect you to pay for her kids. As others have pointed out, the kids are with you for almost half the week, perhaps he should be paying less?

Is he a bit of a drip? Has she caused problems in the past, which he thinks he can avoid, by giving in to her?

Babymamamama · 12/12/2023 12:26

I thought CMS look at household income especially when you are married. Why do so many people think this is not the case?

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 12/12/2023 12:27

Bloody cheek. If your DH was still with his ex, they would be living off their joint incomes to support their own children. Why do they think your money should come into it for maintenance for children who are not your own?

Weddingpuzzle · 12/12/2023 12:27

My DH has no children. I have 3DC with two different DF's (I have had a long, complex and colourful past). If I had my children 3 nights per week (I don't I have the youngest two 50:50 so there is no maintenance exchanged) but just say I had them 3 and their father had them 4 - would my DH be expected to contribute to my ex DH? Of course he wouldn't and exDH would be a cheeky fucker to expect that.

Workingmammabear · 12/12/2023 12:28

I am a SM to one DSD. OH and I pool our finances in a joint account. Yet Maintenance IS ONLY calculated on his salary. This has been argued with by the ex on numerous occasions, and we always end up with the same outcome. My salary is not available to her and never will be. I do however treat her daughter a lot and we have her 50/50 so she does get the benefit and isn't missing out.

NoNoNanette · 12/12/2023 12:29

@onionparker

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

You absolutely MUST stick to this. 'May be a good idea', 'family pot'? JESUS. Tempted to say he saw you coming. This happens such a lot.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if this was me, it would lead to a very VERY careful evaluation of whether I should be with that man, with a strong presumption that the answer is NO.

Have you got to wear Lidl jeans and shoes and go around in a rusty 1998 Nissan Micra in case ex-wifey kicks up a fuss?

bunniesandguineapigs · 12/12/2023 12:29

@Babymamamama because its not! It's calculated on the NRPs wages only - very clear on the CMS website and the calculator only asks for the paying parents income, not household income.

OnlyFannys · 12/12/2023 12:30

If he wants to pay more he can do so from his own wage. He can absolutely get to fuck. She can also look at improving her own earning potential

Crababbles · 12/12/2023 12:30

Babymamamama · 12/12/2023 12:26

I thought CMS look at household income especially when you are married. Why do so many people think this is not the case?

No idea because it’s completely untrue. CMS is based on the non-resident parent’s income only.

OP, the only correct answer here is to laugh at them both. You’re already subsidising SC’s existence 3/7 days a week, you’re under no obligation to pay for them in their mother’s home.

Workingmammabear · 12/12/2023 12:30

@Babymamamama because they don't! They are not interested in my salary, only whether my OH has any other dependents.

Soubriquet · 12/12/2023 12:31

Not being unreasonable. They aren’t your children. They are your dh’s and ex wife’s. They are the ones who should be paying. It’s ok for you to buy things occasionally for the stepchildren but they aren’t your priority

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/12/2023 12:31

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

What's your evidence for saying that the ex is correct?

Or are you just making shit up on the basis of what you think should happen?

poetryandwine · 12/12/2023 12:31

Hi, OP -

You sound very generous, and I voted YANBU, but there is always room for misunderstanding on Mumsnet. Like @Octavia64 I would want to confirm that your DH is paying at least the minimum support for a parent who has his DC three nights a week. And also to confirm that you are in a country like England where only the parent’s income is taken into account by the courts.

Then I would want to confirm that your generosity as a household with your DSC really does come close to 3/7 of their basic expenses. It’s great to give them treats and holidays, but are you paying proportionately for school uniforms, after school clubs, school trips, sporting and hobby expenses, presents to be bought, etc? This is the stuff that might be outside your awareness and could really add up. If their mum is absorbing a load of unseen expenses that is not right. Having the children 3/7 of the the time is seen by the courts as a proxy for covering 3/7 of their basic expenses.

Crababbles · 12/12/2023 12:31

Workingmammabear · 12/12/2023 12:28

I am a SM to one DSD. OH and I pool our finances in a joint account. Yet Maintenance IS ONLY calculated on his salary. This has been argued with by the ex on numerous occasions, and we always end up with the same outcome. My salary is not available to her and never will be. I do however treat her daughter a lot and we have her 50/50 so she does get the benefit and isn't missing out.

Edited

If you have her 50/50 why is anyone paying anything?

honeylulu · 12/12/2023 12:32

My understanding is that CMS does not factor in the step parent's income. The only adjustment in aware of is that there might be a downward adjustment if there are more children in that household.

Oddly it shifts when the child goes to uni as only the income of the child's main residence (including step parent) is considered, ignoring the non resident parent. But that isn't what is being discussed here and also, when the time comes I expect the SC will be assessed for loan eligibility on the income at their mum's house, not dad's.

EvilElsa · 12/12/2023 12:33

Exactly why I would never be in a relationship with someone who had children from a previous relationship (unless they were adults). I'm sure there are many happy mixed families, but the situations I read on here always cement why I could never do it.
I think they are both massive CF and I hope you don't give in and agree.

CalistoNoSolo · 12/12/2023 12:33

It's a shame you married him, and I do hope you ringfenced that large deposit you put down on the house. He's being a very CF, and I think this is probably the top of a slippery slope for your marriage.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 12/12/2023 12:34

To fuck no.

Jesus wept.

CwmYoy · 12/12/2023 12:35

If you have them 3 nights a week then she should not get very much at all, surely.

Less to her not more. Bloody cheek.

Verv · 12/12/2023 12:35

Fuck, and I cannot emphasise this enough, that.

Not your kids, not your problem.

unicornsarereal72 · 12/12/2023 12:36

@Babymamamama because it isn't. CMS is based on the non resident parents I come only.

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:36

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle"

No, this is a non-starter. You do not pay for DSC and certainly not for their lifestyle at their DM’s home.

CF-ery of the highest order.

toomanyleggings · 12/12/2023 12:36

Fuck that. You’re not a cash cow

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:36

And if he pushes it, run.