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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's unreasonable, me, DH, his ex?

290 replies

onionparker · 12/12/2023 12:01

Me and DH have been married 5 years and together for 7. We share two children and I also have two DSC.

There has been a little bit of tension about this situation recently and wondering who you think is being unreasonable?

For context, I was in an abusive relationship during my teens and early twenties before I met DH, this included physical and financial. Because of this I don't like feeling trapped, which is exactly how I felt at the time (no money to leave), so I have always insisted on separate finances with DH. Not because I think I'll be leaving but it brings me comfort to know that I have my own money.

DH earns okay, I however earn more than he does and also have some inheritance from grandparents that was quite considerable that I used some of to put down a large deposit on our house etc.. for the first time in my life, in the past few years ive felt financially secure and like my hard work has paid off to get where i am with my career.

We split bills proportionately and whilst if something is needed I have no problem paying, I don't want to pool resources and never have. DH always accepted this before.

Anyway, DH always has his two older DC 3 nights a week. He pays maintenance to their mum and this obviously goes off his wage. He'll also give extra as and when he can if needed.

She has mentioned to him recently that she feels she needs more and we should consider paying maintenance based on household salary rather than just his. She has made comments like this in the past I.e. if I have a new car or I pay for us to go away (with DSC), she makes out like she's due something because of our "lifestyle".

DH now seems to think this may be a good idea and I could perhaps contribute more into the family pot so he can pay more or we could work out what it would be on our joint salary and pay that (Which is essentially just me paying maintenance as I'd be subsiding him to do so). I've told him absolutely not.

This is one of the exact kinds of scenarios I wanted to avoid by having separate finances. I don't want to be tied into supporting another household. DSC are his and their mums children and therefore any support should be based of his salary not mine. We obviously have children together than need my support. And I do actually spend a lot on DSC when they are with us and don't care about that at all but I don't want to commit to paying another woman when I don't need to.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:57

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 12/12/2023 12:53

@Keepinmovin are you this ex here? That’s the only explanation I can think of for all your ill-informed nonsense

Could be DH’s ex, she also though I might ‘like to contribute towards DSC’ with my full-time wages, after paying childcare for our own DC, while she sat home with older children at school, not working, as they had decided back in the day that she would ‘be a SAHM’.

These people walk amongst us.

Fifthtimelucky · 12/12/2023 12:58

I don't think you are at all unreasonable.

My husband has a child from his first marriage. Soon after we married, the rules on child maintenance changed and the Child Support Agency was set up. The rules were that my salary was taken into account when calculating my husband's child support payments. At the time I was working long hours (around 72 a week) and getting paid a lot of overtime. All that went into the pot and I remember thinking it was very unfair. Between us we paid around £500 a month in child support. That was around 30 years ago so it was a lot of money.

What was even more unfair was that his child wasn't any better off as a result. Neither his mother or her new partner worked and their benefit was reduced by exactly the same amount that we were paying in child support.

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 12:58

Crababbles · 12/12/2023 12:51

Pre-nups aren’t legally enforceable in the UK. Your husband’s ex isn’t entitled to your salary regardless.

Show quote history

That was the case until 2010. There was a Supreme Court ruling that determined pre nups freely entered into by both parties should be upheld. There are caveats, but generally pre nups are now recognised in the UK.

MILLYmo0se · 12/12/2023 13:00

So by the ex's logic, if she had a partner earning what you do, DH would then be able to stop paying child support cos her partner would take on the financial responsibilities? Eh no, i didnt think so lol

Keepinmovin · 12/12/2023 13:00

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 12:57

Could be DH’s ex, she also though I might ‘like to contribute towards DSC’ with my full-time wages, after paying childcare for our own DC, while she sat home with older children at school, not working, as they had decided back in the day that she would ‘be a SAHM’.

These people walk amongst us.

Show quote history

Right well I'm done with this site where I made a mistake and everyone literally jumps down my throat and accuses me of being some toxic ex.

For the record I am divorced 2 two kids and get ZERO maintenance from my ex so there you go.

Jaboody · 12/12/2023 13:01

Fuckin hell, Ex has more neck than ET. Tell her to fuck off.

funinthesun19 · 12/12/2023 13:02

Babymamamama · 12/12/2023 12:26

I thought CMS look at household income especially when you are married. Why do so many people think this is not the case?

Because all the evidence is there on the CMS website. NRP’s income only. You can make things up as much as you like, but it won’t make it real.

I for one am very glad to see women aren’t being forced to hand money over to their husband’s ex like some sort of cash cow.

PomPomSugar · 12/12/2023 13:02

I would remind him that he also needs to contribute 50% of costs to your children and if he can’t afford to do that then he can’t afford to increase his current maintenance to his other children.

LisaD1 · 12/12/2023 13:03

Yanbu, she’s a cf and he’s a puppet.

Chipsahoyagain · 12/12/2023 13:04

Chamomileteaplease · 12/12/2023 12:07

I am amazed that your dh had the nerve to suggest that you should pay for his children when they already have a mother and father.

If you have his children with you three nights a week surely the maintenance shouldn't be that much anyway? Does she work?

I think the ex-wife is confused about people moving on and having completely different finances.

This. No way in hell would I be taking away from my own kids to give to someone else's! Yanbu and hope you firmly tell him where to go. The cheek of that woman to think she even has a right to suggest this?

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 12/12/2023 13:04

Imagine op and dh split up. Would she take op to the cms? Bet she would try.... Bet op doesn't have PR or the OK to chastise and parent the dsc... But big purse always welcome eh? Mad I am. Mad..

Danikm151 · 12/12/2023 13:05

She’s being a cheeky fecker!

WhamBamThankU · 12/12/2023 13:05

Viviennemary · 12/12/2023 12:39

Up to you. But I can see why his ex feels he should pay more if he has a better standard of living that his children.

How ridiculous. He could offer to have them full time if that's how she felt.

Chipsahoyagain · 12/12/2023 13:06

OnlyFannys · 12/12/2023 12:30

If he wants to pay more he can do so from his own wage. He can absolutely get to fuck. She can also look at improving her own earning potential

This but someone will be along to tell you that you shouldn't have married him then.

Vuurhoutjies · 12/12/2023 13:08

I think that the ex sounds like a bit of a CF wanting to get more maintenance becuase you earn more. BUT...

... I am a bit confused why if you're married, there isn't a bit more of a family pot. I mean, I get it that you were financially abused before and it certainly sounds like as the wealthier partner you're generous etc, but basically, by the time your Dh has paid his share of your combined expenses, maintenance etc, it sounds like he has very little left while you have plenty. You do share this plenty, but still.

I don't normally buy into the theory that on MN there's a double standard for men/women but in this case I am not sure. You have more disposable income, more options etc than he does and it does feel a bit uneven.

WineThirty · 12/12/2023 13:10

There is one circumstance where i would have sympathy with your DH's/his ex's position. That is if DH has reduced his hours or otherwise reduced his earnings as part of the childcare arrangements for your DC. So, for example, if you and DH have decided that he should only work 4 days a week to save a day's nursery fees, i think it would be reasonable (although not legally required) to calculate CMS payments based on the amount he would have earned if he had not reduced his hours.
Is that the case here?

ElevenSeven · 12/12/2023 13:10

Vuurhoutjies · 12/12/2023 13:08

I think that the ex sounds like a bit of a CF wanting to get more maintenance becuase you earn more. BUT...

... I am a bit confused why if you're married, there isn't a bit more of a family pot. I mean, I get it that you were financially abused before and it certainly sounds like as the wealthier partner you're generous etc, but basically, by the time your Dh has paid his share of your combined expenses, maintenance etc, it sounds like he has very little left while you have plenty. You do share this plenty, but still.

I don't normally buy into the theory that on MN there's a double standard for men/women but in this case I am not sure. You have more disposable income, more options etc than he does and it does feel a bit uneven.

I’d say it was wise of the OP, particularly as he appears to think OP’s income should go towards his own children with ex, from the ‘shared pot’

ChocolateCinderToffee · 12/12/2023 13:12

She is a fucking cheeky cow to think you should pay for her kids!

Nomagicflute · 12/12/2023 13:13

You are being reasonable if you pay into your household with DH in proportion to your two incomes. So if you earn 20 percent more and pay in 20 percent more that's fine.

If DH wishes to contribute more to his kids he should personally do that and make savings elsewhere.

If the children have sufficient income I'd say the ex is being unreasonable. You having a new car etc has nothing to do with her unless her kids are suffering whilst DH buys a nice car. However DH is too for telling you your money should go to his kids.

HarrumphryBogart · 12/12/2023 13:14

As you are not related to the children I would make a counter offer; she and DH pay you for your time, board and lodgings when the children are there plus a little extra to keep the rooms available. Foster carers get up to £1200/week/child but you don't want to be greedy, £2000/month is a good starting point.

Nomagicflute · 12/12/2023 13:14

Vuurhoutjies · 12/12/2023 13:08

I think that the ex sounds like a bit of a CF wanting to get more maintenance becuase you earn more. BUT...

... I am a bit confused why if you're married, there isn't a bit more of a family pot. I mean, I get it that you were financially abused before and it certainly sounds like as the wealthier partner you're generous etc, but basically, by the time your Dh has paid his share of your combined expenses, maintenance etc, it sounds like he has very little left while you have plenty. You do share this plenty, but still.

I don't normally buy into the theory that on MN there's a double standard for men/women but in this case I am not sure. You have more disposable income, more options etc than he does and it does feel a bit uneven.

Why should there be more in the family pot if bills are paid etc? We have separate money too.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 12/12/2023 13:14

Haven't RTFT but are you sure this is coming from the ex wife and not your husband?

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 12/12/2023 13:15

WineThirty · 12/12/2023 13:10

There is one circumstance where i would have sympathy with your DH's/his ex's position. That is if DH has reduced his hours or otherwise reduced his earnings as part of the childcare arrangements for your DC. So, for example, if you and DH have decided that he should only work 4 days a week to save a day's nursery fees, i think it would be reasonable (although not legally required) to calculate CMS payments based on the amount he would have earned if he had not reduced his hours.
Is that the case here?

I think what they do and how they organise themselves has fuck all the do with the grabby ex and the guidance is clear. Sounds like the ex chooses to work PT so I don’t see how it’s different. Not the OPs problem.

if I was the OP I would have totally lost my shit at the mere suggestion. I can’t believe this thread!

Random30 · 12/12/2023 13:15

I voted YANBU, but I think you might be being a bit unreasonable.

The flip side of “No problem spending money on my own kids” is that the DSC see their siblings getting more stuff and experiences and will assume it’s half from their Dad. I.e. you are putting something corrosive into that relationship.

I think the disparity the older children experience should be dealt with with tact and kindness. Including avoiding comments that suggest their mother is in some way lazy/deficient/defective.

But you shouldn’t be paying for them, No.

notlucreziaborgia · 12/12/2023 13:15

Vuurhoutjies · 12/12/2023 13:08

I think that the ex sounds like a bit of a CF wanting to get more maintenance becuase you earn more. BUT...

... I am a bit confused why if you're married, there isn't a bit more of a family pot. I mean, I get it that you were financially abused before and it certainly sounds like as the wealthier partner you're generous etc, but basically, by the time your Dh has paid his share of your combined expenses, maintenance etc, it sounds like he has very little left while you have plenty. You do share this plenty, but still.

I don't normally buy into the theory that on MN there's a double standard for men/women but in this case I am not sure. You have more disposable income, more options etc than he does and it does feel a bit uneven.

If he didn’t like them keeping separate finances then he was, and is, presumably free to leave.

He is responsible for four children, the OP two. It isn’t on her to take that on for him. He, and his two children, already benefit from OP’s finances.