Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh wants my son to move out

272 replies

timingout · 11/12/2023 21:15

I have a son from a previous marriage who is 23 and he moved back home after his relationship broke down over a year ago.
He is very messy and quite lazy although he works long hours so is only lazy at home and has a very disrespectful attitude, he also doesn't listen to dh as he's not his dad.
He works with cars so comes home with black hands and although he showers our walls are covered in black greasy marks just like his bedroom.
He has a shower and leaves wet towel on the floor and no matter how many times he's asked he never opens the bathroom window which we ask.

Any chats about it result in either him walking off in a huff or jumping on the defensive and arguing back or just agreeing to what's being asked of him only to continue as he is.
It's coming between dh and I as we feel we've no privacy, he's always there rarely goes out after work so often when we're talking he'll suddenly appear or he's quietly been there all along he comments on what we're watching and make snide remarks about the show or whoever is on it.

He is my son and I love him but I can see my marriage breaking in front of my eyes and I feel helpless because I can't control my sons attitude/cleanliness and if I ask him to leave because of my marriage I think I'd lose him and I don't know where he'd go.
Dh hasn't said he wants him to move out but I can see he's had enough and is at breaking point. It's so stressful I don't know what direction to turn in.

OP posts:
Original poster
timingout · 11/12/2023 21:17

Dh is actually so drained by this situation it's making him quite ill.

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 11/12/2023 21:18

You son is taking the piss, you tried to help him out, and he isn't respectful, I would ask him to move out after Christmas

Nevermind31 · 11/12/2023 21:19

Sounds like he needs some tough love. He is behaving like a 13 year old, and not pulling his weight, behaving like an adult and not respecting you or your DH.
any flatshare would have thrown him out already.
Dear son, you are not treating me and DH or our house with respect. I love you, but you will need to start looking for your own place.

AllEars112232 · 11/12/2023 21:19

He’s 23! He needs to leave.
you don’t need to ask him to leave because of your marriage, that’s none of his business anyway. But you can legitimately ask him to leave.

Tarbert12 · 11/12/2023 21:19

Tell him he has to change his ways or move out. Don't say the message is from your husband, own it yourself. Why would you want to live as a ridiculed skivvy to your ungrateful adult offspring?

Schoolrefusa · 11/12/2023 21:21

This sounds so difficult.
if it were me I think I would say something very gently like you not listening or making an effort to be thoughtful is really affecting me and what are your plans as the only solutions I can think of are you being more thoughtful here or working out your plans for a home you can treat as you want to . Then in same conversation remind him how much you love him and say you hope he'll stay and make it work as it can if he changes

StarDolphins · 11/12/2023 21:21

I would give your son an ultimatum based purely on his attitude & lack of respect for the accommodation you’re providing him.
Tell him you love him very much but his lack of respect isn’t on.

He either leaves the bathroom, his room, anything he does, as he finds it, I.e fully clean. Stops with his backchat & attitude or he will need to find alternative accommodation. Tell him the time frame & what you expect of him & then follow through if no improvement.

Zanatdy · 11/12/2023 21:21

He’s taking the P. Being disrespected by a child in my home is where I draw the line, but being disrespected by an adult child for really basic stuff like stop putting grease all over our walls and pick you bloody towel up is something else. I’d have a proper chat with him, not when you’re angry at him but a calm chat. Tell him he’s going to have to find a house share or something. Can he afford it? Does he have another parent to go to? These are real concerns, as it’s not easy for this generation, but if he really can’t do give some basic respect then I guess that’s his issue.

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 11/12/2023 21:22

He’s had a year to recover from his breakup, time to have a sit down chat to say you would like your house back and he needs to find himself his own place. It’s not his home for ever, it’s your home that you share with your husband and it’s time for him to get his own house.
Is he saving for a deposit? Does he have a timeline?
Try not to get emotional, just be clear and have a goal in mind. As he’s a lazy disrespectful git, he will try to stay in this cushy number but he needs to stand on his own two feet.

EconomyClassRockstar · 11/12/2023 21:22

It's time for him to stand on his own two feet and that's ok. He's 23 not 13! It's not asking him to leave to save your marriage, it's asking him to leave because it's time for him to fly the nest.

Schoolrefusa · 11/12/2023 21:22

StarDolphins · 11/12/2023 21:21

I would give your son an ultimatum based purely on his attitude & lack of respect for the accommodation you’re providing him.
Tell him you love him very much but his lack of respect isn’t on.

He either leaves the bathroom, his room, anything he does, as he finds it, I.e fully clean. Stops with his backchat & attitude or he will need to find alternative accommodation. Tell him the time frame & what you expect of him & then follow through if no improvement.

This is better than my reply , so clear and also fair

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 11/12/2023 21:23

Wtf?! Youre son is behaving in an appalling way! Why is he touching so many walls?!

treat him like the child he is acting like.

  1. He needs to clean the bathroom after he has used it, every time.
  2. send him to open the window eacb time. Don't let it drop.
  3. He needs to sugar-soap the walls and maybe repaint depending on how bad they are.
  4. he needs to tidy up after himself.
if he doesnt he leaves.
Colalola · 11/12/2023 21:23

Sounds like you both want him to leave. Don't be scared to admit this because he is your son. If he's working full time he can probably afford to rent a room so ask him to start looking for other places to live since he isn't respecting you, your husband or your house.

TheNewSchmoo · 11/12/2023 21:23

Well that's a misleading title

Circumferences · 11/12/2023 21:26

I'm sure you want to help him because he's your son, but you're a human too with feelings and needs, you're not his free maid.

He has a full time job, he can pay rent.

Sit him down to work out his finances, and to find another place to live. I left home aged 18 but then fell on hard times, (well- I was sent to a mental institute aged 21, had nowhere to live when I came out so moved in with my parents. Not just a relationship breakup situation).
I remember really making an effort in cooking and baking for my mum, cleaning for her etc.
Despite the fact I has psychosis.

Nicole1111 · 11/12/2023 21:33

Communicate clearly to your son that the current arrangement isn’t working because he’s an adult and needs to act like one, rather than a sullen teenager. Ask him what he thinks is the barrier to him being respectful and if he needs emotional support. Offer to help him attend the gp if he thinks that’s the case. Tell him you will review his living arrangements in a month and if things haven’t improved you’ll have an expectation of him to arrange alternative accommodation. This way you’ve given him a fair opportunity to turn things around and he won’t be blind sided if you ask him to leave. You might find that he responds by saying he’ll just move out and it’s important you just say ok and ask him to keep you informed regarding dates as this might be a manipulation tactic.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2023 21:34

Your husband is a saint for putting up with this bullshit for as long as he has.

Loving your child is one thing, allowing them to treat you like a doormat and a skivvy, all the while destroying your marriage due to their outrageous behaviour is quite another.

Stop enabling your adult son. Tell him it's check out time.

Round3HereWeGo · 11/12/2023 21:36

"DS enough is enough, you are not a child anymore, you are living here because we wish to support you but you must behave like an adult, pull your weight, keep your comments to yourself and do what is asked of you. This is not the same situation as when you were a child. You live here at our good grace and you can outstay your welcome."

If your son ends your relationship with him because he has been told to act like an adult then so be it. Make it clear that he is always your son and he is loved but that doesnt mean you will pander to him now he is an adult. Once he has stopped pouting he is welcome to resume your relationship.

Original poster
timingout · 11/12/2023 21:38

He did intend to save when he moved back but then spent it all on a car he couldn't afford which is a money pit and doesn't have any savings now.

I have tried to find out long term plans but he doesn't share a lot with us.

Yes he does have a dad who he's close to but there's no bedroom for him there so he can't move in with him. He has a small two bedroom flat with his wife and a younger child in the room he used to sleep in when he stayed over so that's not an option.

OP posts:
Hibambinos · 11/12/2023 21:39

You are allowing your dh to live in hell in his own home, because your adult child wants to do as he likes and be disrespectful. If I was your dh I would be fuming and filing for divorce. You are a couple, you should have your dh’s back here. Your son is 23 and putting two fingers up to your kindness.

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 11/12/2023 21:40

He still needs to move out. Have the conversation and give him a deadline. His bad decisions are his to own and feel the consequences of, that’s how you learn.

Blink1880 · 11/12/2023 21:46

This sounds untenable but the “he can rent somewhere” isn’t always that easy (especially if you’re in the South East).

Can you work out a plan with him towards him moving out into a house share? Maybe even help with a deposit? Can his dad also help with that?

Circumferences · 11/12/2023 21:52

He did intend to save when he moved back but then spent it all on a car he couldn't afford which is a money pit and doesn't have any savings now.

That's just proper feckless.
I thought he works with cars. How could he end up with a "money pit".

BornIn78 · 11/12/2023 21:56

You've tried talking to him and explained his reponse to these conversations in your OP.

So now, he needs to find a house share or somewhere cheap to rent on his own, preferably the latter because he won't last a month in a house share with his rotten attitude.

You need to sit him down, give him a suitable amount of notice, i.e. by end of January - own it, don't blame your DH, and explain to your son that due to his own attitude and behaviour it's become untenable for him to continue living in the house.

Time for your son to go, before your DH decides he'll go first.

OftIwandered · 11/12/2023 22:00

You need to give your son an ultimatum, either his behaviour changes today or he moves out. You don't need to say it's because of your DH, you don't want this in your home. He is being entirely disrespectful towards you and your DH. He is an adult and you are doing him a favour, is he paying rent at all?