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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh wants my son to move out

272 replies

timingout · 11/12/2023 21:15

I have a son from a previous marriage who is 23 and he moved back home after his relationship broke down over a year ago.
He is very messy and quite lazy although he works long hours so is only lazy at home and has a very disrespectful attitude, he also doesn't listen to dh as he's not his dad.
He works with cars so comes home with black hands and although he showers our walls are covered in black greasy marks just like his bedroom.
He has a shower and leaves wet towel on the floor and no matter how many times he's asked he never opens the bathroom window which we ask.

Any chats about it result in either him walking off in a huff or jumping on the defensive and arguing back or just agreeing to what's being asked of him only to continue as he is.
It's coming between dh and I as we feel we've no privacy, he's always there rarely goes out after work so often when we're talking he'll suddenly appear or he's quietly been there all along he comments on what we're watching and make snide remarks about the show or whoever is on it.

He is my son and I love him but I can see my marriage breaking in front of my eyes and I feel helpless because I can't control my sons attitude/cleanliness and if I ask him to leave because of my marriage I think I'd lose him and I don't know where he'd go.
Dh hasn't said he wants him to move out but I can see he's had enough and is at breaking point. It's so stressful I don't know what direction to turn in.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 17/12/2023 15:29

Jack, I need to level with you. My marriage is hanging on by a thread because Mike is so fed up of living with your lazy ways. You’re 23 and leave wet towels on the floor like a kid. You are bone idle and the black marks up the walls will drive him to a heart attack if we have to tell you again. If Mike goes in the New Year and leaves me which we have talked about, I’ll have to sell the house and it’ll be me and you in a small shitty flat on our own. If that’s genuinely what you want then great, but life could be so much easier for all of us if you just pulled your weight. You’re 23 and it’s like you’re 9.

Floofydawg · 17/12/2023 15:38

No wonder his relationship broke down. I agree with everyone else who has said you need to ask him to move out and it comes from you, not your husband.

Cantalever · 17/12/2023 15:59

Your DS is acting like a sullen teenager but he is a grown man. Ask him to leave because his anti social behabviour in the home is unacceptable, but don't do it angrily or you could lose him. Take a regretful tone of voice and attitude - as in "Its a shame, but it hasn't worked out, so you need to get your own place". Stay firm though, don't waver. If he argues back, say it is not fair on your DH who is being affected by the way DS is using the home, and so are you. You could offer initially to help him find somewhere, but afterwards back off and don't support him financially. He does sound like an indulged mother's boy, as though he has got used to you doing things for him, so you will need to let him set himself up. I wonder why was a relationship break-up the cause of him coming home to you. Can he not stand on his own feet?

Roselilly36 · 17/12/2023 16:10

I would side with my child, regardless of their age, if a man that wasn’t their father, thought they could call the shots. My children will always come first.

Roselilly36 · 17/12/2023 16:11

I wonder how many on this thread have a 23 yo DS, not many by the responses.

TiredCatLady · 17/12/2023 16:18

Roselilly36 · 17/12/2023 16:10

I would side with my child, regardless of their age, if a man that wasn’t their father, thought they could call the shots. My children will always come first.

And people wonder why so many women on here are dealing with lazy, maladjusted mummy’s boys who sulk, treat them like skivvys, speak to them like shit, and MIL who deify their feckless sons even when they’re demonstrably gobshites.

He’s an adult who has seen fit to cut OP off previously and is treating both her and her DH like crap. Probably treated the ex-GF like crap too. And will go on treating people like crap because, look no consequences!

lizzyber · 17/12/2023 16:23

Calculate the cost of redecorating the dirty walls and the cost of twice-weekly domestic help to clean up the mess he leaves behind him. If he wants a somebody to run round after him he’s going to have to pay for that luxury, because it isn’t going to be you. And if he wants to live in squalor it isn’t an option under your roof!

Tell him that you will either be adding these additional costs to his rent come January, or he permanently changes his ways, or he moves out. Write up an agreement for him to sign. Do it with a solicitor if you can afford to. Make it all official. Let him know you are deadly serious.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 17/12/2023 16:26

Skodacool · 11/12/2023 22:12

I think it’s obvious why his relationship broke down.

Yep, that’s what I’m thinking
bloody hell, you’d have thought he’d have figured out how to pull his own weight with son and exw - so if he’s this bad at this stage of his life , it isn’t going to change.
dont think many people will like living with him in house share either

Op, give him 6 weeks notice to leave. If he panics and starts bargaining that’ll improve. Draw up a contract of tenants rules (he cleans up after himself, washes hands free of grease before enters house - even if it’s done on your outside tap) , give him a tenancy and tell him to also pay rent to cover costs of damage he might do in future if he breaks the contract. If he so much as breaks one rule, he’s out
I doubt he’ll do it for 6weeks, but at least he has notice

he is not in position to buy fancy car - he has child to support, and should be working to afford a place of his own where he can have his child to stay. Lad has bigger problems than just be a messy, self entitled brat when it comes to belligerence and tidiness.

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/12/2023 16:27

Roselilly36 · 17/12/2023 16:10

I would side with my child, regardless of their age, if a man that wasn’t their father, thought they could call the shots. My children will always come first.

If that includes allowing yourself to be treated like a servant, and your children to ride roughshod over you and your partner, you deserve all you get - AND you are doing your children no favours.

People brought up like this grow into entitled narcissists and expect their own way at all times. They are not liked.

OP's DHowns half of that house. He and OP have worked hard to buy it, improve it and keep it in attractive decorative order.

OP's spoiled adult child it treating their much-loved home like a doss-house, isn't clearing up after himself, and is being rude and disrespectful to the two people who have been good enough to put a roof over his selfish head.

He spent the money he had supposedly saved for a deposit on a flat on a car he can barely afford to run. There is no way he will be able to save more. He has had the incredible good fortune to be offered a small flat by a relative - but has refused this because he would have to clear up after himself and probably because his bills would be higher - he is sponging off OP and her DH as well, I would think (at least to some degree).

If you think that this is acceptable just because he is her "child", you are cracked!

Floofydawg · 17/12/2023 16:33

Roselilly36 · 17/12/2023 16:11

I wonder how many on this thread have a 23 yo DS, not many by the responses.

No, but I have a 20yo daughter and I wouldn't allow her to treat my home with such disrespect.

SabrinaTW · 17/12/2023 16:45

I had the same issue when my ds returned from uni. My DH is not his father and we both struggled with another adult in the house after having time on our own. DS was messy, loud and had a stroppy attitude. I helped him find a new place to live and peace was restored, but not without me feeling incredibly guilty and not without my ds punishing me emotionally for a good year afterwards. We now have a better relationship and I take him food shopping once a week, mostly so we can catch up. Your DS is an adult and has had his wings clipped by moving back. He needs his own space and be responsible for himself, but with your love and support. It will be tricky but it will work out better for all of you.

SabrinaTW · 17/12/2023 16:46

Mine was 23 when he moved out

DriftingDora · 17/12/2023 17:08

Schoolrefusa · 11/12/2023 21:21

This sounds so difficult.
if it were me I think I would say something very gently like you not listening or making an effort to be thoughtful is really affecting me and what are your plans as the only solutions I can think of are you being more thoughtful here or working out your plans for a home you can treat as you want to . Then in same conversation remind him how much you love him and say you hope he'll stay and make it work as it can if he changes

So where do her husband's rights come into all this? The son's not 5, he's 23. Old enough to be acting like a mature adult, not the dickhead he is. So she should tiptoe (very gently!?) around the immature son who presumably doesn't know what soap and water are for?🙄 And who obviously enjoys damaging his mother's home? Are you for real?

DriftingDora · 17/12/2023 17:20

Then if he doesn't have any savings he bloody well learns to behave himself like a mature adult, not a petulant teenager or there's the door.

He's boomeranged back to mummy and wants everything on his terms - sense of entitlement the size of the USA or what? If you don't nip this in the bud with a reality check then some poor woman's going get a real "prize" for a partner! 🙄

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2023 17:34

snuggleswithmygirlies · 12/12/2023 20:33

I think no matter how hard it is, I have to choose my son because he's my little boy and my only. Yeah he's a arse but he's my arse and there will be other husbands they'll never be another son.

So if he's a grown adult you'll treat him like your little boy?

God help future partners!

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2023 17:36

Roselilly36 · 17/12/2023 16:10

I would side with my child, regardless of their age, if a man that wasn’t their father, thought they could call the shots. My children will always come first.

It's the 'man's' home. That he and the OP pay for. The son is a guest in it

The son doesn't get to call the shots. He'll hopefully be off and gone one day if he ever grows up. Why should his mum be left on her own because he's a selfish brat?

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2023 17:38

Roselilly36 · 17/12/2023 16:10

I would side with my child, regardless of their age, if a man that wasn’t their father, thought they could call the shots. My children will always come first.

Forever?

You would be a martyr to your children whatever their age?

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2023 17:38

Roselilly36 · 17/12/2023 16:11

I wonder how many on this thread have a 23 yo DS, not many by the responses.

At 23 he's a man.

Do you not expect yours to be a man at that age?

JLou08 · 17/12/2023 19:54

You've got to be cruel to be kind sometimes. I'd be tempted to point out that his bad attitude and laziness may be the reason he is single. He sounds like a nightmare and if he is left to get away with it he will not change. Tell him he needs to go.

Lyn97a · 17/12/2023 20:01

I’m sorry - am I the only one who thinks uabu? The title of your post is ‘DH wants my son to move out’. That is the issue. I assume he has seen you and his dad split up at some point? Has this had an effect on him? He does not have a bedroom available at his dad’s flat. He has gone through a relationship break up. I would love my children to still be living with me at 23! He leaves wet towels on the floor, marks on the wall and doesn’t open a window - this sounds like my husband! He works hard - give him some credit for this! Definately children before DH! You have no privacy? I assume you have a bedroom? Talk there - he is YOUR son - welcome him and love him unconditionally and then maybe you would see less of his attitude.

GerriKellman · 17/12/2023 20:54

He's a grown man and an inconsiderate, rude one at that. He's not a toddler having a difficult phase.

NewStart2131 · 17/12/2023 21:56

He’s disrespectful, rude and self absorbed.
Imagine what his ex had to put up with, no wonder he’s back home!
I don’t think you’ve any other choice but to give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through with it.
Don't be so quick to judge his ex either, your son could have easily stayed in touch with you and visited you when he was with her… but he didn’t, probably because he’s a selfish arse, it wasn’t her job to keep a relationship going with you both, it was his. She was obviously too busy being his maid to have the mental space to fix your relationship too.

NewStart2131 · 17/12/2023 22:04

Lyn97a · 17/12/2023 20:01

I’m sorry - am I the only one who thinks uabu? The title of your post is ‘DH wants my son to move out’. That is the issue. I assume he has seen you and his dad split up at some point? Has this had an effect on him? He does not have a bedroom available at his dad’s flat. He has gone through a relationship break up. I would love my children to still be living with me at 23! He leaves wet towels on the floor, marks on the wall and doesn’t open a window - this sounds like my husband! He works hard - give him some credit for this! Definately children before DH! You have no privacy? I assume you have a bedroom? Talk there - he is YOUR son - welcome him and love him unconditionally and then maybe you would see less of his attitude.

Yeah I think you might be the only one who thinks that way.
It’s mums like you who cause problems for the future partners. Young men need to be learn how to behave like actual adults not babied into thinking they have should everything done for them because they “work hard” they aren’t the only ones who work hard, we’re not in the 50’s anymore, women work hard too.

Your husband leaves wet towels on the floor and muck on the walls and expects someone else to clean it up after him? He should be embarrassed.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/12/2023 22:09

Roselilly36 · 17/12/2023 16:10

I would side with my child, regardless of their age, if a man that wasn’t their father, thought they could call the shots. My children will always come first.

@Roselilly36

lol so you think Op should just continue to put up with her sons lazy, slovenly, disrespectful behaviour?! Why?!

Angelsrose · 17/12/2023 22:10

@Lyn97a who does your husband think should clean up after him? YABVVU if you think a 23 year old man should run roughshod over his own Mum and stepdad. The disrespect is absolutely unreal and no-one should tolerate it.

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