Dh wants my son to move out

[timingout]

I have a son from a previous marriage who is 23 and he moved back home after his relationship broke down over a year ago.
He is very messy and quite lazy although he works long hours so is only lazy at home and has a very disrespectful attitude, he also doesn't listen to dh as he's not his dad.
He works with cars so comes home with black hands and although he showers our walls are covered in black greasy marks just like his bedroom.
He has a shower and leaves wet towel on the floor and no matter how many times he's asked he never opens the bathroom window which we ask.

Any chats about it result in either him walking off in a huff or jumping on the defensive and arguing back or just agreeing to what's being asked of him only to continue as he is.
It's coming between dh and I as we feel we've no privacy, he's always there rarely goes out after work so often when we're talking he'll suddenly appear or he's quietly been there all along he comments on what we're watching and make snide remarks about the show or whoever is on it.

He is my son and I love him but I can see my marriage breaking in front of my eyes and I feel helpless because I can't control my sons attitude/cleanliness and if I ask him to leave because of my marriage I think I'd lose him and I don't know where he'd go.
Dh hasn't said he wants him to move out but I can see he's had enough and is at breaking point. It's so stressful I don't know what direction to turn in.

It's 3L and his insurance is through the roof.

Your adult son is taking the complete piss. You should be as upset as your husband is. Do something about it before it's the DH who leaves because of this entitled and disrespectful behaviour.

I get him. I wouldn't live like that.

Well he'll have to kip on the settee then. His dad will quickly see why he's been hoofed out.

He has to go. You've asked him to make some small changes to make living with him easier and he has refused. Tough love time.

Your son has a choice. To treat you and your home with respect and abide by some basic house rules. Or to sleep in his money pit!

He has a job, he needs to find a house share and act like an adult. I can't believe how disrespectful he's being to you and your home.

Tbh OP I don't know why you titled this thread as you have because quite honestly it sounds like you - very fairly! - also want your son to move out.

He sounds dreadful to share a home with, it's not asking much for him to tidy up after himself and not smear black grease all over your walls and bathroom - that's just common decency.

I know it's hard because he's your son but I'd sit down with him and say if he doesn't start respecting your home then you (note YOU! Not your husband) will be asking him to leave. Don't let him make it into "choosing your marriage over him" because honestly it doesn't sound like thats the case and you sound just as annoyed at him as your husband is. You need to tackle this so you either get your home respected or back, and your son knows it's between you and him so he can't justify it to himself by blaming it on your husband.

I think it’s obvious why his relationship broke down.

Op, I’ve read your posts twice, to be sure, at no point have you mentioned how you’ve sat down and talked to your son, explained the house rules. Handed him a cloth when he walked in and made him clean the marks. Told him to go pick his wet towel up. Told him if he doesn’t respect rhe place he needs to move out, that you will provide a home for him, but only on these conditions. That he gets three strikes and he’s out. Wet towel the first time is strike one. Tell him. Doesn’t go and clean all the walls. Strike two.

he behaves like a child but you don’t need to treat him like one.

And agree, please don’t make this your husbands fault. Own it.

3L? Do you mean a three litre car engine? I genuinely did not know such things existed. And for a 23 year old? Pfft. He needs to get his priorities straight.

Yes he pays his contribution but he leaves the kitchen a mess when he makes anything and never does any chores without being nagged and nagged and then he just does minimal effort and never again, it's easier to do it myself properly.

It's 3L and his insurance is through the roof.

He clearly thought he could bum around at home for nothing forever. Time to disabuse him of the idea. He'll just have to sell the car. Because he shouldn't be staying one day more.

Then he will have to behave like an adult and get rid of the car. Or live it in it.

Doesn't sound like he is paying you any rent or utilities so there is no excuse. Give him three months notice tomorrow and tell him he has to be gone by Good Friday. That's plenty of time to get a deposit together for rent and sell a car.

Tell him that his behaviour has been appalling and this is not negotiable if he wants your relationship with each other to not fall apart.

If he wants a second chance he will pull his socks up very smartly.

I don’t think you should bother telling him to improve as he will just resent you, just tell him he’s moving out by the end of the year. You will always love him but it’s time for him to live independently, with a bit more maturity, then he can live in squalor/like a grown up in his own place - his choice. Your choice is togave a home where you and DH are comfortable and clean, not despised. He has absolutely no respect for you or your husband and I think your DH is being treated appallingly. It is hard to understand why you would allow this as you are actually not helping him to be independent. Tough love.

He can sleep in that then. He made his choices.

There's no point giving him an ultimatum. He might behave himself for a couple of weeks, but he'll go back to normal. In the meantime, you don't have any privacy and you risk losing your relationship. You do realise that as soon as your son finds a new woman, he'll either move her in, or he'll move out without giving you a second thought. it's time now for you to take control of this. Tell him he has to find his own place and you will give him till the end of January to do it. If he goes into a shared place, he should find somewhere sooner than that.

Dear son, no one at your age wants to be yoked with parents. No doubt we’re irritating and frustrating for you. Have the freedom to do exactly as you wish. We’ll help you find somewhere to move into immediately after Christmas.
(Or granny needs your room. Do you want to share with her?)
xxx

Out of interest, why did his relationship end?
Was it related to how he behaves?

He’s an adult with a job. He doesn’t need to be living with you but he knows he gets away with murder and gets to piss away his earnings on a car. Time to give him his notice for moving out. He can go get a flat share.

No wonder he’s single again. I think he
needs his own space. Tell him he needs to make arrangements to leave. What a cheeky shit, your DH is a saint.

Be honest. You want him to move out. Because he’s immature, lazy, selfish and rude. It’s a shame no one beat some manners into him before now. Don’t blame your saint of a husband. Accept your adult son is a grubby user and tell him to move out and stand on his own toe feet.

I think his cleanliness is one issue but even if he were a faultless lodger a married couple don't want an adult living indefinitely with them .
He needs to move out . If he can't afford it he needs to sell this money pit car and flat share with mates .

No wonder his relationship broke down. His ex is well shot of him!

You have to sit him down and have a serious talk with him OP and spell out very clearly that he needs to change or find somewhere else.
As PPs have said, don't put all the blame on your dp.

Your DH is a complete red herring in this situation.

If your DH wasn't there, would you actually be happy to accept your son's behaviour? If you would, you shouldn't.

He is selfish, disrespectful and taking complete advantage.