Page 11 | Dh wants my son to move out

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/12/2023 22:18

NewStart2131 · 17/12/2023 22:04

Yeah I think you might be the only one who thinks that way.
It’s mums like you who cause problems for the future partners. Young men need to be learn how to behave like actual adults not babied into thinking they have should everything done for them because they “work hard” they aren’t the only ones who work hard, we’re not in the 50’s anymore, women work hard too.

Your husband leaves wet towels on the floor and muck on the walls and expects someone else to clean it up after him? He should be embarrassed.

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@Lyn97a

dont you want your offspring to be off and out and about in the world living life in their adulthood rather than home still living with you? If not, why not?

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 17/12/2023 23:20

so it's been almost a full week (5 days) since the OP claimed she and her DH were about to talk to the grubby guy, but he came home acting 'poorly' so it got postponed....?!
I hope that conversation has now happened but fear it hasn't.

The son lived with his gf for 3 years and didn't even bother staying in touch/ visiting his mum for all of that time? But was happy to come back to cock-lodge at hers when he thought he didn't have anywhere else to go?!

It's pretty clear that he needs to leave and start being an independent adult, by the end of January at the latest. And if he wants to stay in the house between now and then, he needs to treat the place with a lot more respect - otherwise he can go and sleep on his dad's sofa/ stay with friends/ sleep in the car/ rent a room/ arrange to move into the relative's flat/ whatever.

PollyPut · 18/12/2023 07:22

timingout · 12/12/2023 09:40

No it wasn't the family home he grew up in, we moved to a bigger house but stayed in the same area when he moved out but there's still a bedroom.

He isn't depressed he's always been like it but he moved in with his ex at 19 so was still a teen and he's still behaving the same way.

I was glad he moved back home because all the time he lived with his ex (3 years) he didn't stay in contact with our family or his dads his ex didn't like us or his dad and family so he didn't see us so now he's back I'm probably tip toeing round him more than usual so not to lose him again but it's going to be at the cost of losing my husband at this rate or at least our happiness.
I have tried talking to ds but he just rolls his eyes and walks away, for eg if I moan about mess in the kitchen he'll respond with "oh do know what I just won't eat anymore" so it's impossible to find a solution.

"if I moan about mess in the kitchen he'll respond with "oh do know what I just won't eat anymore" so it's impossible to find a solution."

No. Stop moaning about it. Instead, go and clean up with him. Show him how it's done. Teach him. Go and join him in the kitchen and chat to him while doing it together. He will learn, you don't have to do it for ever. Get him to put some music on whilst he's tidying up.

It didn't happen before he was 19 so you need to do it now.

If you don't teach him then no-one will want to live with him in future

DriftingDora · 18/12/2023 08:41

OP, you need a reality check. You obviously aren't worried about your marriage breaking up, and if this happens then your immature darling son can wreck the place to his heart's content. You should be asking yourself why you have such low standards when it comes to acceptable behaviour from A GROWN MAN.

You are so apathetic, as though you are powerless to do anything. Your son's playing you like a fiddle - and you can't see it. He must be laughing his head off. Still, if your husband decides he's had enough, I'm sure it will have been worth it.

throwawayimplantchat · 18/12/2023 09:15

Lyn97a · 17/12/2023 20:01

I’m sorry - am I the only one who thinks uabu? The title of your post is ‘DH wants my son to move out’. That is the issue. I assume he has seen you and his dad split up at some point? Has this had an effect on him? He does not have a bedroom available at his dad’s flat. He has gone through a relationship break up. I would love my children to still be living with me at 23! He leaves wet towels on the floor, marks on the wall and doesn’t open a window - this sounds like my husband! He works hard - give him some credit for this! Definately children before DH! You have no privacy? I assume you have a bedroom? Talk there - he is YOUR son - welcome him and love him unconditionally and then maybe you would see less of his attitude.

He leaves wet towels on the floor, marks on the wall and doesn’t open a window - this sounds like my husband!

Why does your husband feel entitled to treat the home like this and presumably expect you to clean up after him?

Would you want a daughter of yours to end up with someone that entitled?

Parents with your attitude forwards selfish and entitled behaviour are unfortunately a large part of the reason men like OP's DS don't give a shit about pulling their weight and treat partners like skivvys.

I would be so disappointed if my partner treated me like a parent / maid and didn't even pick up his wet towels.

jannier · 18/12/2023 12:05

throwawayimplantchat · 18/12/2023 09:15

He leaves wet towels on the floor, marks on the wall and doesn’t open a window - this sounds like my husband!

Why does your husband feel entitled to treat the home like this and presumably expect you to clean up after him?

Would you want a daughter of yours to end up with someone that entitled?

Parents with your attitude forwards selfish and entitled behaviour are unfortunately a large part of the reason men like OP's DS don't give a shit about pulling their weight and treat partners like skivvys.

I would be so disappointed if my partner treated me like a parent / maid and didn't even pick up his wet towels.

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Agreed mothers and fathers shape their children a mother allowing this treatment from anyone shows how little respect she feels she deserves and models how the children treat others.

Emotionalsupportviper · 18/12/2023 12:12

Lyn97a · 17/12/2023 20:01

I’m sorry - am I the only one who thinks uabu? The title of your post is ‘DH wants my son to move out’. That is the issue. I assume he has seen you and his dad split up at some point? Has this had an effect on him? He does not have a bedroom available at his dad’s flat. He has gone through a relationship break up. I would love my children to still be living with me at 23! He leaves wet towels on the floor, marks on the wall and doesn’t open a window - this sounds like my husband! He works hard - give him some credit for this! Definately children before DH! You have no privacy? I assume you have a bedroom? Talk there - he is YOUR son - welcome him and love him unconditionally and then maybe you would see less of his attitude.

For crying out loud . . . . 🙄

We are not talking about a helpless CHILD.

This is an adult man-child and it would do him, as much as anyone else, the world of good total responsibility for his own life.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 18/12/2023 15:33

Stop moaning about it. Instead, go and clean up with him. Show him how it's done. Teach him. Go and join him in the kitchen and chat to him while doing it together.

Teach him??? He is twenty-three, not six!

Nobody ever taught me how to clean up a kitchen. I learned by seeing what needed to be done, and doing it. Is cleaning a kitchen something that women are supposed to magically know how to do, and grown men are incapable of doing without handholding?

PollyPut · 18/12/2023 16:38

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 18/12/2023 15:33

Stop moaning about it. Instead, go and clean up with him. Show him how it's done. Teach him. Go and join him in the kitchen and chat to him while doing it together.

Teach him??? He is twenty-three, not six!

Nobody ever taught me how to clean up a kitchen. I learned by seeing what needed to be done, and doing it. Is cleaning a kitchen something that women are supposed to magically know how to do, and grown men are incapable of doing without handholding?

Not everyone is as attentive as you. Not everyone is observant.

Clearly he didn't learn when he was 6. OP has a chance to make sure he learns now so that his messiness doesn't impact his future relationships, and hopefully (re-)build a stronger bond with her son and for her husband to be less upset with the situation.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/12/2023 16:40

PollyPut · 18/12/2023 16:38

Not everyone is as attentive as you. Not everyone is observant.

Clearly he didn't learn when he was 6. OP has a chance to make sure he learns now so that his messiness doesn't impact his future relationships, and hopefully (re-)build a stronger bond with her son and for her husband to be less upset with the situation.

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@PollyPut

he’s a fully grown adult man. Im sure he can figure out how to clean a kitchen. It’s not hard, ffs.

PollyPut · 18/12/2023 16:45

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/12/2023 16:40

@PollyPut

he’s a fully grown adult man. Im sure he can figure out how to clean a kitchen. It’s not hard, ffs.

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No it's not. But it sounds like he's not going to do it on his own so some company might help improve the situation

AnonoMisss · 18/12/2023 16:48

timingout · 11/12/2023 21:15

I have a son from a previous marriage who is 23 and he moved back home after his relationship broke down over a year ago.
He is very messy and quite lazy although he works long hours so is only lazy at home and has a very disrespectful attitude, he also doesn't listen to dh as he's not his dad.
He works with cars so comes home with black hands and although he showers our walls are covered in black greasy marks just like his bedroom.
He has a shower and leaves wet towel on the floor and no matter how many times he's asked he never opens the bathroom window which we ask.

Any chats about it result in either him walking off in a huff or jumping on the defensive and arguing back or just agreeing to what's being asked of him only to continue as he is.
It's coming between dh and I as we feel we've no privacy, he's always there rarely goes out after work so often when we're talking he'll suddenly appear or he's quietly been there all along he comments on what we're watching and make snide remarks about the show or whoever is on it.

He is my son and I love him but I can see my marriage breaking in front of my eyes and I feel helpless because I can't control my sons attitude/cleanliness and if I ask him to leave because of my marriage I think I'd lose him and I don't know where he'd go.
Dh hasn't said he wants him to move out but I can see he's had enough and is at breaking point. It's so stressful I don't know what direction to turn in.

I think you have one last talk and you say

Ive asked you a number of times for x y and z and there has been no change.

This is a list of what I expect (have it in writing so no debate)

If you dont want to do these things that's absolutely fine but of course you will need to find your own place then you can live as you want

You need to generally set boundaries

You haven't said if he is contributing financially?

You also haven't said if this is new or he has always been like this etc

Did his girlfriend break up with him because of this behaviour?

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/12/2023 16:52

PollyPut · 18/12/2023 16:45

No it's not. But it sounds like he's not going to do it on his own so some company might help improve the situation

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@PollyPut

or how about he grows up and moves out? Then he can be as messy as he wants?

PollyPut · 18/12/2023 16:56

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/12/2023 16:52

@PollyPut

or how about he grows up and moves out? Then he can be as messy as he wants?

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I totally see your point. But having been through a similar experience, the long run outcome is probably that DS will end up without functioning relationships due to his messiness.

OP really seems to want to help her DS so I'm trying to come up with a sensible suggestion.

AnonoMisss · 18/12/2023 17:07

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2023 21:34

Your husband is a saint for putting up with this bullshit for as long as he has.

Loving your child is one thing, allowing them to treat you like a doormat and a skivvy, all the while destroying your marriage due to their outrageous behaviour is quite another.

Stop enabling your adult son. Tell him it's check out time.

I wonder if he is like this due to lack of boundaries or disapline previously or if its new

Not acceptable either way but would be useful to know.

Lalalalala555 · 19/12/2023 08:39

There is a book called boundaries and i recommend you read it.
Better to have a relationship with your husband who respects and cares about you than one with a son who doesn't.

You need to tell him he has to move out.
And it's been a year.
Your husband and you own the house and have the right to have living there on your terms be a thing. If your son is intentionally not, then there need to be consequences. Plus he's been there a year since a relationship ended.

Sounds like your son also needs to learn to respect and mature.

SadSandwich · 19/12/2023 10:27

Is there an update OP - maybe this will be the kick that your son needs.

DriftingDora · 19/12/2023 11:52

Lyn97a · 17/12/2023 20:01

I’m sorry - am I the only one who thinks uabu? The title of your post is ‘DH wants my son to move out’. That is the issue. I assume he has seen you and his dad split up at some point? Has this had an effect on him? He does not have a bedroom available at his dad’s flat. He has gone through a relationship break up. I would love my children to still be living with me at 23! He leaves wet towels on the floor, marks on the wall and doesn’t open a window - this sounds like my husband! He works hard - give him some credit for this! Definately children before DH! You have no privacy? I assume you have a bedroom? Talk there - he is YOUR son - welcome him and love him unconditionally and then maybe you would see less of his attitude.

So OP and her husband can only communicate privately in THEIR bedroom, which is in THEIR house? All so this 23-year-old manchild can rule the roost and be 'loved unconditionally' by mummy? Can you hear yourself?

Gone through a relationship break-up and behaving like a 5-year-old? Is he Prince Harry? 🙄

SaviourofSchoolUniform · 19/12/2023 20:50

I could have written this myself except my son is 20. It's difficult to give them an ultimatum and tell them to get out. Whilst it seems the easiest thing to do it really isn't. If he's anything like my son he may very well hold onto a grudge forever.
I would encourage him to try and find accommodation and support him.as best you can. Tell him that you don't want to go down an ultimatum route but it's getting tiresome and say you'll support him with a move.
I don't think you can change his attitude, but you may have to accept he's not going to be happy for a while. If you're happy with this then go ahead ... If not stay as you are. But I think in your heart you know what you need to do, you just need help realizing it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/12/2023 09:45

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/12/2023 16:40

@PollyPut

he’s a fully grown adult man. Im sure he can figure out how to clean a kitchen. It’s not hard, ffs.

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Exactly.

If you use it, wash it.

If you spill it, wipe it up.

If you get it out, put it away.

Hardly rocket science.

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/12/2023 10:24

PollyPut · 18/12/2023 16:45

No it's not. But it sounds like he's not going to do it on his own so some company might help improve the situation

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Nonsense!

3 yo's need an audience when they first learn to fasten their buttons, to tell them how clever they are and what a big boy/ girl - 23 yo's DON'T need an adult to watch them wash a cup and plate and wipe down a kitchen worktop and shower them with praise.

(Or they shouldn't)

SapphireSeptember · 20/12/2023 12:21

FFS! There are plenty of YouTube videos about cleaning, he should watch some of them (although not leaving wet towels on the floor, instead of hanging them up to dry, is something even a child can do.) 🙄 I haven't needed to clean a bathroom properly in years because of living in shared houses, picked up some tips from cleaning videos and now it takes me no time at all to clean the bathroom in my little studio flat.