Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh wants my son to move out

272 replies

timingout · 11/12/2023 21:15

I have a son from a previous marriage who is 23 and he moved back home after his relationship broke down over a year ago.
He is very messy and quite lazy although he works long hours so is only lazy at home and has a very disrespectful attitude, he also doesn't listen to dh as he's not his dad.
He works with cars so comes home with black hands and although he showers our walls are covered in black greasy marks just like his bedroom.
He has a shower and leaves wet towel on the floor and no matter how many times he's asked he never opens the bathroom window which we ask.

Any chats about it result in either him walking off in a huff or jumping on the defensive and arguing back or just agreeing to what's being asked of him only to continue as he is.
It's coming between dh and I as we feel we've no privacy, he's always there rarely goes out after work so often when we're talking he'll suddenly appear or he's quietly been there all along he comments on what we're watching and make snide remarks about the show or whoever is on it.

He is my son and I love him but I can see my marriage breaking in front of my eyes and I feel helpless because I can't control my sons attitude/cleanliness and if I ask him to leave because of my marriage I think I'd lose him and I don't know where he'd go.
Dh hasn't said he wants him to move out but I can see he's had enough and is at breaking point. It's so stressful I don't know what direction to turn in.

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 11/12/2023 22:30

Schoolrefusa · 11/12/2023 21:21

This sounds so difficult.
if it were me I think I would say something very gently like you not listening or making an effort to be thoughtful is really affecting me and what are your plans as the only solutions I can think of are you being more thoughtful here or working out your plans for a home you can treat as you want to . Then in same conversation remind him how much you love him and say you hope he'll stay and make it work as it can if he changes

I would not be gentle but be giving him some home truths and would be prioritising my marriage

jannier · 11/12/2023 22:31

Sounds like this maybe part of why his relationship broke down. Has he always behaved like a disrespectful lazy git or is it new? Did he do chores etc as a child?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 11/12/2023 22:32

Prioritising my marriage and myself, I meant to say

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 11/12/2023 22:35

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2023 22:23

Be honest. You want him to move out. Because he’s immature, lazy, selfish and rude. It’s a shame no one beat some manners into him before now. Don’t blame your saint of a husband. Accept your adult son is a grubby user and tell him to move out and stand on his own toe feet.

Beat some manners into him? Confused That's a tad extreme. And Victorian.

I'm no pushover, I'm a strict Mum, but physical violence isn't the answer. Ever.

SwooningCamille · 11/12/2023 22:36

He's behaving very badly, but I do feel a bit sorry for him. He didn't choose to have parents who don't live together. If you and his dad were still a family, you would at least be able to view his behaviour as simply bad and immature behaviour, and take a joint stance on it - but as things stand, he may well be angry because he has no home any more. His dad has effectively ousted him by having another baby, and you've re-married someone who doesn't like him. None of it's ideal. My son is nearly 23 and I'd pull him up on that behaviour like a shot - but it would be easier for me to do it, rather than an unrelated male who happens to live with me. Step-families are no fun.

Dweetfidilove · 11/12/2023 22:37

He needs to go. Messy, rude and irresponsible…

I couldn’t tolerate him myself, so with your husband on this.

unvillage · 11/12/2023 22:37

timingout · 11/12/2023 22:15

Yes he pays his contribution but he leaves the kitchen a mess when he makes anything and never does any chores without being nagged and nagged and then he just does minimal effort and never again, it's easier to do it myself properly.

Show quote history

Ask yourself right now if you want to be in this situation when he's 30 and still hasn't moved out. Because he has a nice cushy life where his mum cleans up after him, why would he want to move?

He needs to find a place of his own in the very near future. That might be a less than ideal place, a housemate situation or a bedsit - that's adulthood. He spent all his savings on a car that he can't afford to run, that's on him.

Whataretheodds · 11/12/2023 22:38

Rather than asking your son to leave because of your DH, how about asking him to leave because he's showing no respect to your home?

Whataretheodds · 11/12/2023 22:38

(And no respect to you)

HidingFromDD · 11/12/2023 22:39

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 11/12/2023 22:30

Your DH is a complete red herring in this situation.

If your DH wasn't there, would you actually be happy to accept your son's behaviour? If you would, you shouldn't.

He is selfish, disrespectful and taking complete advantage.

This. This isn’t a problem with a step parent. This is an adult behaving disgracefully in your home. There’s something about this age group where they regress into teenagers when they move back in (also been there). Kick him out. In a few years time he’ll be asking you to remove your shoes so you don’t dirty his carpets (also been there 😄)

StillWantingADog · 11/12/2023 22:42

What dh thinks is almost irrelevant
he needs to move out.
ultimatums are pointless as that will just delay the inevitable.

I’d give him Until the end of January.

do NOT put up with this. He isn’t acting like an adult nor is he treating you with the respect you deserve

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 11/12/2023 22:44

He’s an adult. Give him an ultimation, he can choose between moving out and following house rules (speaking politely, no mess, household chores). If he fails to follow house rules give him a leaving date.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 11/12/2023 22:45

Don't blame your DH, he's got nothing to do with it. Your son is lazy and disrespectful. The arrangement is not working, simple as that.

2021x · 11/12/2023 22:51

He doesn't want to be there, and you don't want to him to be there.

Time for a reality check. Give him notice- no need to explain why.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 11/12/2023 22:54

off topic but due to the toxic nature of the products mechanics touch the mechanics here all wear blue gloves/and workplace coveralls. the idea of greasy dirty mechanics is not what i'm seeing here in canada. no joke they totally scrub up and protect themselves face sheild etc. they come home clean in clean clothing not their workplace stuff. i have at least 3 heavy duty mechanics who live on this street and you would never suspect they work in a dirty environment.
has he had proper up to date training.

IncompleteSenten · 11/12/2023 22:57

You should ask him to leave because he's taking the bloody piss!

Ardith · 11/12/2023 22:58

“He works with cars so he comes home with black hands” What they don’t have a sink at his work? He can’t wash his hands becore he comes home? Detergent powder is absolutely brilliant at removing stubborn grease stains btw.

This is a respect issue. I came on the thread to say that your son should always come first, but now reading how he’s behaving I really think the best thing you could do for your son is stand up to your son and tell him that because of the constant disrespect he needs to find his own place.

Otherwise he’ll never learn any manners and will have a very cross wife one day 👀

venusandmars · 11/12/2023 22:59

What on earth are you doing? You are raising a son who thinks he can behave like this. Is some woman going to pick up after him in the future?

Get tough. Get real. Tell your adult son how real life works.

And honour the relationship with your husband.

smilesup · 11/12/2023 23:03

God he would be out of my house. My mum kicked me out at 18 for acting like a child. Gave me 3 weeks to sell some stuff get a deposit and rent a room in a shared house. He can sell his stupid car, or X box or whatever and move out. He's not a child. I'm embarrassed for him

smilesup · 11/12/2023 23:04

Ps I have a fabulous relationship with my Mum now and think she did exactly the right thing.

alwaystroubleonmn · 11/12/2023 23:04

Ask him to leave. I presented dad with an ultimatum for a lot less but I wouldn’t life with that level of disrespect- they can take it elsewhere. Partner or not - he needs to love out.

wronginalltherightways · 11/12/2023 23:14

I'd ask your son to move out.

It's not fair to your husband to keep a disrespectful, selfish, messy grown up living there if he's not happy about it.

kweeble · 11/12/2023 23:17

Do them both a favour and help him to leave again.

TheCatterall · 11/12/2023 23:17

@timingout but you shouldn’t be asking him to leave because if your marriage/DH… you should be asking him to leave because even if you were single he is taking the actual piss with his behaviour and it isn’t the standard of behaviour you expect in your home. Give him 2 months to find somewhere and then tell him locks will be getting changed.

I bet he could motivate himself in that scenario. He’s never going to save money - that’s just some bullshit excuse he’s using to stay there.

Maddy70 · 11/12/2023 23:18

My husband would be moving out tbh

Swipe left for the next trending thread