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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh wants my son to move out

272 replies

timingout · 11/12/2023 21:15

I have a son from a previous marriage who is 23 and he moved back home after his relationship broke down over a year ago.
He is very messy and quite lazy although he works long hours so is only lazy at home and has a very disrespectful attitude, he also doesn't listen to dh as he's not his dad.
He works with cars so comes home with black hands and although he showers our walls are covered in black greasy marks just like his bedroom.
He has a shower and leaves wet towel on the floor and no matter how many times he's asked he never opens the bathroom window which we ask.

Any chats about it result in either him walking off in a huff or jumping on the defensive and arguing back or just agreeing to what's being asked of him only to continue as he is.
It's coming between dh and I as we feel we've no privacy, he's always there rarely goes out after work so often when we're talking he'll suddenly appear or he's quietly been there all along he comments on what we're watching and make snide remarks about the show or whoever is on it.

He is my son and I love him but I can see my marriage breaking in front of my eyes and I feel helpless because I can't control my sons attitude/cleanliness and if I ask him to leave because of my marriage I think I'd lose him and I don't know where he'd go.
Dh hasn't said he wants him to move out but I can see he's had enough and is at breaking point. It's so stressful I don't know what direction to turn in.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 12/12/2023 06:16

StarDolphins · 11/12/2023 21:21

I would give your son an ultimatum based purely on his attitude & lack of respect for the accommodation you’re providing him.
Tell him you love him very much but his lack of respect isn’t on.

He either leaves the bathroom, his room, anything he does, as he finds it, I.e fully clean. Stops with his backchat & attitude or he will need to find alternative accommodation. Tell him the time frame & what you expect of him & then follow through if no improvement.

Absolutely. My eldest is 8 and I make him clean up his messes or help to! An adult, absent health conditions, contributes like a normal human being or goes.

queentim · 12/12/2023 06:25

timingout · 11/12/2023 22:15

Yes he pays his contribution but he leaves the kitchen a mess when he makes anything and never does any chores without being nagged and nagged and then he just does minimal effort and never again, it's easier to do it myself properly.

Show quote history

This is called "weaponised incompetence". It is done on purpose and very disrespectful.

Please stop letting your son disrespect you. If he cannot respect you as an adult or your home, you need to ask him to make other plans. He may be angry, but in the end it will force him to grow up and become a man.

If he does decide to no longer speak to you because of it, you need to decide if you can be ok with it for a while or not but he'll come back.

HowAmYa · 12/12/2023 06:30

I have a colleague who's adult sone of 38 has been doing this since he was 20.
You have no idea how impossible it is to get rid once you've allowed the behaviour to carry on for years. The guy sits in his bedroom and does absolutely NOTHING to contribute. He even managed to have kids during this time, who become their grandparents responsibility when he has then on weekends. My colleague will end up in an early grave because of this. Its awful.

Kick this lazy arsehole out. He sounds disgusting.

Also, your title is INCREDIBLY misleading. Unless you worded it for clickbait.

user1492757084 · 12/12/2023 06:37

Have the adult discussion about sustainable living arrangements.
You start them with son..

It is not sustainable for you to keep living here so we need to look at all other options.
Before you go you need to do some serious cleaning and painting - so that you are happy to leave the place in the same condition it was in when you arrived.
Sugar soap, painting.
While you are looking you'll have to up your game and open the bathroom windows, clean the bathroom regularly and XXX.
Options could be ..
A granny flat at a relatives
A room in share house with a work mate
A tiny house or caravan on land of friend or relative.
Son, you need to be thinking ten years ahead. You need to move out. It's been lovely having you and being able to help you. You can always vist for a night or two but living here full time is not sustainabale.

Do not let him do nothing. He should be mowing, vaccumimg, cleaning etc joyfully due to the housing you provide him.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 12/12/2023 06:38

Dh is actually so drained by this situation it's making him quite ill
i’m not in the slightest surprised, wtf should he have to put up with your feckless son’s slummy attitude and behaviour?
If I were him I’d move out.
Stop supporting your son, he’s an adult and needs to be told to leave. His lack of respect is disgusting.

StressedOutSemolina · 12/12/2023 06:43

Your adult son needs to grow up and fuck off

monsteramunch · 12/12/2023 07:00

Pallisers · 12/12/2023 00:23

I read the title and was coming on to say "don't chose your dh over your son" but then I read your post.

Don't ask your son to leave because of your dh. Tell him to leave because his behaviour is horrible. No roommate would put up with this. You don't need to either. he is an adult with a job. He needs to find his own accommodation right now. Give him a month's notice and tell him after that he cannot live in your home anymore. Leave your dh out of it entirely. If he says to you "it's your dh making me leave" say "no, it is your behaviour that is making you leave. Dh has nothing to do with this"

I have children aged 22, 23 and 27. the younger two live with us - just graduated, first jobs, saving to move out in a hot rental market. All of them have a home here if ever they need it - ever - 23, 33 or 43. But I would tell any of them to leave - I would insist on it - if they ever behaved like your son is behaving.

Absolutely all of this!

LemonLimeDivine · 12/12/2023 07:25

I’m with your husband on this one. It’s utterly disrespectful behaviour. He needs to move out before your DH does.

Olika · 12/12/2023 07:44

You cannot keep letting a 23 year old behave like a kid. He needs to take responsibility for himself and move out.

CrikeyMajikey · 12/12/2023 07:49

I find threads like these equally sad and annoying. How have you allowed a young man, someone’s future husband and father, to behave in this manner? Have the conversation with him now about how he should behave in a home, whether yours or of a partners, and if he cannot comply kick his lazy arse out.

femfemlicious · 12/12/2023 08:00

He is going to find it hard to live with anyone. Probably why hos girlfriend left him. How did he end up like this🤨

DonnaBanana · 12/12/2023 08:23

I wouldn’t worry about “losing him”. If he won’t be on the level with you or talk about his future or treat you with respect he’s already gone. You need to tell him to buck his ideas up or find somewhere else to live. If he reacts to that badly instead of being contrite it says a lot about him. Plus he’s 23 what sort of person is living at home at that age, he needs to build some self respect.

savemytimezone · 12/12/2023 08:32

but then spent it all on a car he couldn't afford

WHY?!

(Probably because he has never had to face consequences for anything he does).

savemytimezone · 12/12/2023 08:34

DonnaBanana · 12/12/2023 08:23

I wouldn’t worry about “losing him”. If he won’t be on the level with you or talk about his future or treat you with respect he’s already gone. You need to tell him to buck his ideas up or find somewhere else to live. If he reacts to that badly instead of being contrite it says a lot about him. Plus he’s 23 what sort of person is living at home at that age, he needs to build some self respect.

Exactly.

I know a very spoilt man in his 60s. He wasn't there for his mother in any way, shape or form. Had his hand out for her cash when she died though.

Spoiled children who grow into spoiled adults will NOT be there for you, believe me. They naturally only think of themselves and are out for Number One every time.

jannier · 12/12/2023 08:38

SwooningCamille · 11/12/2023 22:36

He's behaving very badly, but I do feel a bit sorry for him. He didn't choose to have parents who don't live together. If you and his dad were still a family, you would at least be able to view his behaviour as simply bad and immature behaviour, and take a joint stance on it - but as things stand, he may well be angry because he has no home any more. His dad has effectively ousted him by having another baby, and you've re-married someone who doesn't like him. None of it's ideal. My son is nearly 23 and I'd pull him up on that behaviour like a shot - but it would be easier for me to do it, rather than an unrelated male who happens to live with me. Step-families are no fun.

He wasn't ousted from anywhere ...he has a wife whom he split from so came back to his mother's .....he's a grown man not a teenager.

Lucy377 · 12/12/2023 08:44

You are dodging taking the responsibility for this.
You named the post 'DH wants' him to move out.

What about you, what do you want?

You feel guilty saying No to your son so you better get used to feeling guilty.

Unless you personally take responsibility for your own decisions then you won't be at peace.

Either make peace with your son being there and accept that you actually are fine cooking, cleaning and picking up after him OR have that difficult conversation with him about moving out.

There is a way to keep a relationship with your son but still put boundaries in place.

CormorantStrikesBack · 12/12/2023 08:48

Blimey, I’d want him to move out even if he was my son

NaughtybutNice77 · 12/12/2023 08:49

You know what the solution is. It may not be easy but it's very simple. I'd broach it now with a 'to go by' date eg January 31st

Jifmicroliquid · 12/12/2023 08:53

Why are there so many rude, lazy and entitled young men out there?

Im sorry OP, but you need to give him some tough love here as it sounds as if he’s been quite spoilt to turn out this way.

emmylousings · 12/12/2023 08:56

I feel for you here Op. All I want to say is that if you ask DS to leave, it's not because you are favouring your DH, but because you are trying to teach your son to behave like an adult, the importance of considering the feelings of others, being respectful in shared spaces...all things parents really should teach their children. If you were living alone with him and he was behaving like this, I think many of us would say it was intolerable and that you were enabling him. So don't frame it all around your DH, if that helps.

SOxon · 12/12/2023 09:00

Yet another misleading heading.

billyt · 12/12/2023 09:00

@timingout

Why does your son come home without washing his hands? Because he's lazy?

Your son needs to leave as soon as possible. Why should your DH suffer this in his own home? I certainly wouldn't put up with it.

And from what you've written, I guess if your son happens to 'snare' another woman she'll be on here complaining her partner is a lazy, cock-lodging slob.

Sdpbody · 12/12/2023 09:09

His future wife is going to be in for such a treat.... Letting these feckless men behave this way is just atrocious. Kick the lazy arse out.

NoNoNanette · 12/12/2023 09:11

Hibambinos · 11/12/2023 21:39

You are allowing your dh to live in hell in his own home, because your adult child wants to do as he likes and be disrespectful. If I was your dh I would be fuming and filing for divorce. You are a couple, you should have your dh’s back here. Your son is 23 and putting two fingers up to your kindness.

Just think if it was the DH's son! Advice would be get ducks in a row, check mortgage, see solicitor, change locks, etc.

eighbell · 12/12/2023 09:15

@timingout my teenager behaves better than your 23 year old! Tough love time!