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Original poster

To feel annoyed at my mum’s expectations when moving to the Caribbean

262 replies

Ticklemeharder · 11/12/2023 09:46

My mum currently lives about 10 minutes away from me and my two DC’s (age 1 & 3). She’s recently moved in with her partner of 18 months and is very happy and in love. Her partner has had some issues with work in the UK but used to work in the Caribbean and has applied for a number of jobs there which he feels confident securing. They have told us all this in the last week and are planning to relocate in January.

My mum is currently in a huff with me when I expressed concerns over the speed of the move and questioned whether they had thought everything through etc. When asked how long they were planning on living out there I was given a very vague answer of “oh maybe a few years but who knows!”

She just keeps on going on about the white sandy beaches and glorious sunshine and won’t it be a fabulous adventure. Reassuring me that she will still have a relationship with the grandkids due to the invention of FaceTime and we can come out to visit once they are settled over there.

There is also an expectation that I will deal with renting out of both her and her partners properties as they won’t have time before they go. Not to mention my mum’s 8 year old dog who my mum seems to think a family member will just take her because “no-one will see her in a shelter”.

All of this just seems completely out the blue and I’m struggling to be supportive. It’s almost like she’s so focussed on the fantasy that the reality has not even slightly entered in her mind. I’m not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Mojolostforever · 11/12/2023 09:51

Things seem to be going too fast, and it's putting too much pressure on you.

Why can't her partner move to the Caribbean on his own, and give your mum time to arrange house rentals and care of the dog herself?

As for keeping in touch with the grandchildren, it's true that she can FaceTime but it's not the same as a physical relationship. You can't hug your grandchildren through a screen.

Spottywombat · 11/12/2023 09:55

As a landlord of many years, renting out houses isn't that easy.

Will need electrical & has checks. Plus tenancy deposit scheme, insurance, mortgage needs to be compliant, yadda, yadda.

Swerve that, it's a complete ballache.

GaryLurcher19 · 11/12/2023 09:57

Can't your mum follow her partner later, say 6 months later? Thus giving them each time to make all necessary arrangements at either end? And a bit more time to think it through... I'd be worried that your DM doesn't think the very new relationship would survive a short separation, but if that's the case she should rethink moving at all.

GaryLurcher19 · 11/12/2023 09:57

Oh and YANBU, OP.

YouveGotAFastCar · 11/12/2023 09:58

Having lived in the Caribbean for a while; she's not that wrong. Lots of people, especially older people, do just move out there for a while.

I'd be supportive of, and excited about, her move if that's what she wants to do - but I wouldn't be taking on renting out her properties, that's a pain in the arse with everything you need to sort, and two properties is basically a job. There's a reason agents charge decent commission for that.

I also wouldn't necessarily be taking her dog, unless I wanted it.

It's a shame about her grandchildren but she has considered that aspect, she just doesn't deem it a priority vs going to live out in the Caribbean, so that says a lot. You can't force good grandparents.

Pinkdelight3 · 11/12/2023 09:59

Gosh this is hard. The main thing I'd say is that even though you're feeling unsure, don't be afraid to be direct with her about what you will and won't do. She can of course do as she pleases with her life and her DP, but where anything puts an expectation on you, draw a clear boundary, communicate it clearly and stick to it or she'll steamroller you completely. So be very clear on the rentals - 'You need to appoint a letting agent to manage all of that. I'm not doing it.' You don't even need reasons/excuses which she won't listen to, so don't get drawn into that, just say you don't want to if pushed. She's doing as she pleases so she can do the heavy lifting too, not leave it to you. Likewise 'I'm not having your dog. You need to sort something else out or it will go in a shelter.' Make a list of what you'll do and say and stick to that. You're not in love with this guy and have no obligation, you have your own life to deal with. If she wants a big adventure, she can take full responsibility for managing it.

GassyGirl · 11/12/2023 10:01

Tell her the move sounds great, but you can't sort out their properties or their dog, so they'll need to rent the flats out/arrange a home for the dog themselves.

YireosDodeAver · 11/12/2023 10:01

You can't make her be a good grandma.

You can certainly decline to adopt a dog you don't want, and so can all other family members.

You can certainly decline an unpaid job as property manager, or charge a reasonable fee for the service

MilkChocolateCookie · 11/12/2023 10:02

GassyGirl · 11/12/2023 10:01

Tell her the move sounds great, but you can't sort out their properties or their dog, so they'll need to rent the flats out/arrange a home for the dog themselves.

This. Her partner can go and she can follow later when this is sorted.

BarbaraofSeville · 11/12/2023 10:02

Refuse to do anything except make sure the dog isn't neglected. If they want their houses rented out and don't have time to deal with the admin, that's what letting agents are for.

Iwasafool · 11/12/2023 10:03

Spottywombat · 11/12/2023 09:55

As a landlord of many years, renting out houses isn't that easy.

Will need electrical & has checks. Plus tenancy deposit scheme, insurance, mortgage needs to be compliant, yadda, yadda.

Swerve that, it's a complete ballache.

I never did any of that, paid an agent and it was all done for me.

ShippingNews · 11/12/2023 10:04

I was once talked into managing my sil's rental house when they went to work overseas. I'd never do it again ! It was a total pain in the arse - never-ending things to do, interviewing tenants, organising maintenance, you name it.

Don't do it ! You need a big boundary around this part of your mother's plan - say NO and stick to it. She is carried away with this wonderful dream, and hoping that you will simply make it happen for her ( and her boyfriend !) .

Say no and stick to it.

tachycardigan · 11/12/2023 10:04

YANBU. Tell her they will both need to see an agency about the tenancies because you won’t be able to help.

And don’t take the dog.

PickledPurplePickle · 11/12/2023 10:04

You won't change her mind, but you can put your foot down about what you will and won't do

So, tell them now that you won't be dealing with their properties and they will need to get an agent to deal with this

And if you don't want the dog, tell her now, so that she can make other arrangements

Iwasafool · 11/12/2023 10:05

YireosDodeAver · 11/12/2023 10:01

You can't make her be a good grandma.

You can certainly decline to adopt a dog you don't want, and so can all other family members.

You can certainly decline an unpaid job as property manager, or charge a reasonable fee for the service

Give her a break, I always said when I retired I was having my gap year as they didn't happen when I was young. Didn't happen as I'm DHs carer but I'd be disappointed in my kids if they felt being a good grandma meant I couldn't go and have some fun.

tachycardigan · 11/12/2023 10:05

BarbaraofSeville · 11/12/2023 10:02

Refuse to do anything except make sure the dog isn't neglected. If they want their houses rented out and don't have time to deal with the admin, that's what letting agents are for.

Not sure OP can do that, short of taking the dog in herself.

tachycardigan · 11/12/2023 10:06

Iwasafool · 11/12/2023 10:05

Give her a break, I always said when I retired I was having my gap year as they didn't happen when I was young. Didn't happen as I'm DHs carer but I'd be disappointed in my kids if they felt being a good grandma meant I couldn't go and have some fun.

Show quote history

Have fun but don’t leave your responsibilities with your kids to pick up, that’s selfish.

Circularargument · 11/12/2023 10:07

YouveGotAFastCar · 11/12/2023 09:58

Having lived in the Caribbean for a while; she's not that wrong. Lots of people, especially older people, do just move out there for a while.

I'd be supportive of, and excited about, her move if that's what she wants to do - but I wouldn't be taking on renting out her properties, that's a pain in the arse with everything you need to sort, and two properties is basically a job. There's a reason agents charge decent commission for that.

I also wouldn't necessarily be taking her dog, unless I wanted it.

It's a shame about her grandchildren but she has considered that aspect, she just doesn't deem it a priority vs going to live out in the Caribbean, so that says a lot. You can't force good grandparents.

But of course my friend whose grandkids are being moved to Western Australia not just for a few years but forever, a year after she was widowed early just has to suck it up.
She's old (well, 66) and doesnt matter. No-one is allowed to criticise anyone under 50 apparently.

ShippingNews · 11/12/2023 10:08

I'd be disappointed in my kids if they felt being a good grandma meant I couldn't go and have some fun .

Iwasafool nobody said OP's mother can't go and have some fun. They are just suggesting that her mother should organise her own home rental and dog situations instead of dumping them on her daughter.

GreatGateauxsby · 11/12/2023 10:10

There is also an expectation that I will deal with renting out of both her and her partners properties as they won’t have time before they go. Not to mention my mum’s 8 year old dog who my mum seems to think a family member will just take her because “no-one will see her in a shelter”.

Its bound to go sideways some point down the line.
just stay at arm's length and let her crack on.

Make it clear you will NOT be taking the dog.

Anything around the rental use the same stock lines.
"Oh gosh..I don't know where to start with that..."
"Ohhhh I'm not really sure how it works"
"I don't think im the right person to help. I wouldn't want to get it wrong."
"What if something happens? I would feel awful if I picked bad tenants that didn't pay rent for 6m and then trashed the place"

Lemonyyy · 11/12/2023 10:10

Your mum will have to move later once the houses are sorted. That’s not your problem or your job.

the dog is harder, I really wouldn’t see a family member’s dog in a shelter personally, but if you don’t want or need a dog in your life then absolutely don’t take him. Is he slowing down or still quite agile? Big dog or small? Loud? These will all make a difference to how easy he is to rehome.

Headband · 11/12/2023 10:11

You can't take on the renting of their properties, they're not yours for a start. Tell them to engage an agent.

Tempnamechng · 11/12/2023 10:11

I don't think 18 months is too short a time to be moving overseas with someone. She isn't making it a permanent move as she is keeping her home here. I think good for her to be going on an adventure for a few years, and she is allowed to put herself first now you are grown. The only unreasonable bit is not taking her dog with her. Tell her to use an all inclusive letting agent.

Lemonyyy · 11/12/2023 10:11

GreatGateauxsby · 11/12/2023 10:10

There is also an expectation that I will deal with renting out of both her and her partners properties as they won’t have time before they go. Not to mention my mum’s 8 year old dog who my mum seems to think a family member will just take her because “no-one will see her in a shelter”.

Its bound to go sideways some point down the line.
just stay at arm's length and let her crack on.

Make it clear you will NOT be taking the dog.

Anything around the rental use the same stock lines.
"Oh gosh..I don't know where to start with that..."
"Ohhhh I'm not really sure how it works"
"I don't think im the right person to help. I wouldn't want to get it wrong."
"What if something happens? I would feel awful if I picked bad tenants that didn't pay rent for 6m and then trashed the place"

Edited

I wouldn’t be that vague. If you say something like “I wouldn’t know where to start” then that’s a problem she can offer a solution to. The issue is “I don’t want to” which is perfectly valid and needs to be listened to!

Circularargument · 11/12/2023 10:13

ShippingNews · 11/12/2023 10:08

I'd be disappointed in my kids if they felt being a good grandma meant I couldn't go and have some fun .

Iwasafool nobody said OP's mother can't go and have some fun. They are just suggesting that her mother should organise her own home rental and dog situations instead of dumping them on her daughter.

No, they are saying moving abroad makes her a bad grandmother. As if having raised her children, she is now only conditionally allowed a life, because she had to be on hand for theirs. But if they wanted to move, sure as eggs are eggs there'd be sod all sympathy for her and a gang of cheerleaders saying to "help her get over herself"