To feel annoyed at my mum’s expectations when moving to the Caribbean

[Ticklemeharder]

My mum currently lives about 10 minutes away from me and my two DC’s (age 1 & 3). She’s recently moved in with her partner of 18 months and is very happy and in love. Her partner has had some issues with work in the UK but used to work in the Caribbean and has applied for a number of jobs there which he feels confident securing. They have told us all this in the last week and are planning to relocate in January.

My mum is currently in a huff with me when I expressed concerns over the speed of the move and questioned whether they had thought everything through etc. When asked how long they were planning on living out there I was given a very vague answer of “oh maybe a few years but who knows!”

She just keeps on going on about the white sandy beaches and glorious sunshine and won’t it be a fabulous adventure. Reassuring me that she will still have a relationship with the grandkids due to the invention of FaceTime and we can come out to visit once they are settled over there.

There is also an expectation that I will deal with renting out of both her and her partners properties as they won’t have time before they go. Not to mention my mum’s 8 year old dog who my mum seems to think a family member will just take her because “no-one will see her in a shelter”.

All of this just seems completely out the blue and I’m struggling to be supportive. It’s almost like she’s so focussed on the fantasy that the reality has not even slightly entered in her mind. I’m not sure what to do.

Yep. Do this

Many of us have no friends and no support network where we currently live... I would much rather be lonely on a warm beach than here.

I’d encourage her to go as why not? It could be a great adventure. I definitely wouldn’t be taking on the houses or a dog though. Tell her she will need to arrange meetings with a few local letting agents to go through the legalities of renting out a property, with a view to one of them fully managing the property. She’ll have to pay through the nose for it, it is will ensure that everything is managed, legal, and done by the book.

What’s your gut feeling about her partner?
Disrupting relationships, and isolating people are key abuser moves. I would wonder if the secret wedding is to avoid the dissonance between her gaslighty version of the relationship and the reality reflected back on the faces of friends and family?

There’s not much you can do but I would shine light on the shadows. Tell her that her friend let the cat out of the bag, because she assumed you’d know. Tell her that it hurt finding out. Those are important facts and playing along isn’t to anyone’s good.

It’s pretty cold to dump a dog after 8 years. Is that representative of the person she is op, or the person she is in this relationship?

Obviously I hope that he’s a wonderful guy and you can disregard all the above.

By choosing to move abroad she is choosing to be an absent grandparent. So thats certainly not being a ‘good’ grandparent as she won’t be there!
As the daughter of a woman who spent the years between 50 when her grandchildren were very young and 85 when she died moving all over the UK, I know how it feels when a parent chooses to put her own desires before that of her children and grandchildren. Even when her eldest child - my sister - died very young with 2 children just into their teens she still chose to move further away rather than help support her distressed grandchildren.
We should all be able to make whatever decisions we choose, but we need to accept the impact those decisions will have on people we supposedly love.

With this update and the length of your Mums relationship I'd be seriously concerned that the mother is in the middle of a relationship scammer.

Setting aside the issue of who should be responsible for the dog and renting the house out.

I think I;d be more interested in what the partners motives are and his background TBH.

These scams develop over years - and especially with talk of a "secret" wedding before they leave for Caribbean I'd be wanting to protect my mothers assets (not for my own benefit but for the protection of the mother). A friend of mine works in finance and he's currently trying to help a client who has lost their entire life's savings to a scan that involved plans to move abroad - spoiler alert the "couple" never moved and the scammer has vanished with all the money.

This is right. She's clearly got you well trained to think that her problems are your responsibility but they actually aren't.

OK sure but not sure that's the case with OP Mother who has a DP and grandkids and seems to gave friends as she's spoken to them about the move.
So I'm trying to respond to the OP situation

Of course - moving away doesn't make her not a good grandma

She can go and sort herself, she’s a grown woman. She can come back if she needs to. However it’s up to her to sort the rental properties and dog.

You can't take responsibility for the house they need to use a proper letting agent

Tell your mum that you can't do it all on your own and either she helps or she pays somebody to help you clear the house and dispose of everything. If stuff has to be sold, have an open day, put photos of items on facebook marketplace and people collect on that one day. Throw out anything that doesn't sell.

Get an agent to assess the property, how much it will rent for and advise you on what is required such as alarms, EPC, electrical reports etc. Make sure that your mum leaves you with enough money to cover all these costs prior to rent coming in. Check out any mortgage situation, and permissions required, and the insurance situation/requirements.

Get the agent to find a tenant and assess them, credit reference them and hold the deposit even if you decide to manage it yourself. If you don't want to manage it, then pay the agents commission and let them deal with it. Find the agent before your mum goes as they will need to see her ID etc for AML purposes.

OP in tears as free babysitter sails away into the sunset.

Hmmm... maybe she's blinded by love and has that now or never chance to do something different with her life before she's any older. Hopefully, she's sure of her DP and has done her research because living there won't be the same as a holiday. Of course, it should be easier if he's lived there before or is from there as he'll know the ropes, have contacts etc.

As for dumping lots of responsibilities on you, that's not really fair. She should be arranging property management through a company which will cost her. The dog though! How can you abandon a family pet?

Why is the dog the one thing OP should be responsible for?

For one, despite what a lot of people seem to think, dogs are not more important than anything else.

Secondly, the person who needs to make sure the dog isn’t neglected is not the OP, it’s the OP’s Mum.

Apologies I was typing my reply quickly before going into an appointment and obviously mistakenly used the phrase "be a good grandma" as an entirely incorrect synonym for "person who wants to spend time with and have a real real relationship with their grandchildren, understanding that kids can't relate to a face on a computer screen in the same way, and is capable of balancing their own desire for a fun and carefree lifestyle with also having time for their family"

Deepest apologies for the confusion.

YANBU re not wanting the house/dog dumped on you however given the other information in your posts:

18 months in moving into his house and then moving to an island of his choice in the Caribbean isn’t long - has she visited it before/ever lived away before?
His work situation with an ongoing court case… and leaving the country at what seems to be pretty short notice. But can continue to practice in the Caribbean?
You say your mum hasn’t been able to work - what has she been living on? How will that translate to the Caribbean? Will she require ongoing healthcare?
Planning to get married in secret - whose idea was it to keep it a secret?

Maybe it’s all good but given the above I’d have my reservations too.

This is harsh. If she’s lived her entire life putting aside her feelings, needs and wants to prioritise those of her family, as let’s face it, most mums do, why doesn’t she deserve a bit of fun and excitement and to do something for herself now?

Let them deal the the properties and the dog then. Don't make it your stress. I get why you're doing so - it's your mum, you're worried and upset. But it's her life. She's not just a mum. Just think how many women move miles away from their mum, even emigrating, to be with a man. So let her get on with it and dont get drawn into being dumped on with responsibilities.

Tell her you're very excited about her new adventure (basically she doesn't want any advice, and it seems to be happening so you might as well fake some excitement for her)

Also tell her your job/dh job/ kids school etc is very stressful at the moment so you won't be able to help with the dog or the rentals. But you've got a list of rental agencies who have good reputation in the areas. You've also got a list of storage areas and removal vans for her. (Basically look as helpful as possible without having to do anything) add on house cleaner people if that's necessary.

Ask her to sort out her dog early as you definitely won't be able to have it and if she turns up with it you will have to take it to a shelter as you've too much on to be forced into being a dog owner

If she gets arsy tell her again that you're excited for her adventure but this is her and her bf's decision, and that cannot put extra work and stress on you, it's not fair.

Lots of people take their dogs with them when they move.

There are two different issues here. Your mum wanting to move abroad and her wanting you to take over all her responsibilities in the UK.

I don't see any harm in her moving but she should not be leaving the mother of two small children to sort all her stuff out and she should take her dog with her

@Ticklemeharder

I agree that Mum is entitled to do what she pleases, but she's NOT entitled to impose dump her shit on you in order to do it. And often when someone gets caught up in an 'adventure' they need to be brought down to Earth somewhat 'hard'. I'd have a serious discussion and say:

"Mum, I know I told you that I'd help you sorting out your house and renting it, but that was when I thought you'd be here and we'd do it together (OR, that was before I realized how much work was involved). I am NOT able to take on that task singlehandedly. There is too much to be done on the house and with the DC I just cannot do it on my own. And I am not willing to take on "Joe's" house at all. He needs to sort that himself. And both of you will need to hire an agent to handle the ongoing rentals. And as much as I like Rover, I will not be having him here. The children are too young for us to have a dog and it will be too much for me. I also don't want the responsibility of choosing his new home so you'll need to do that before you leave."

Then I'd say as if it just occurred to me: "Mum, if "Joe" gets a job soon, maybe he should go on ahead and you follow once you've tied up all your loose ends".

And finally, I know you don't want to drop Mum's friend in it so maybe a little white lie:

"Mum, I had a dream last night that you and "Joe" got married. It almost seemed like a premonition. You aren't planning anything, are you?". Although I have a feeling her friend may tell her that she spilled the beans having no idea that your mum hadn't told you. I know if I'd accidentally let something slip to a friend's child, I'd certainly let my friend know!

Offering to help rent her house while she’s around to help is completely different to being expected to clear out and sort out rental of two houses while they’re away. You’re perfectly within your rights to say you can’t take on the rentals if she’s not around, and that she needs to do her own clearing and sorting. She’s a grown up so needs to start acting like one. Don’t let her assume you will magically fix all her problems, you have your own kids who need your time and energy. You will end up massively resenting your mum if you let her dump the renting problem onto you.

Poor dog how can she leave her dog :(

You’re the same poster victim blaming a woman for her husband‘s abuse on another thread.