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Original poster

To feel annoyed at my mum’s expectations when moving to the Caribbean

262 replies

Ticklemeharder · 11/12/2023 09:46

My mum currently lives about 10 minutes away from me and my two DC’s (age 1 & 3). She’s recently moved in with her partner of 18 months and is very happy and in love. Her partner has had some issues with work in the UK but used to work in the Caribbean and has applied for a number of jobs there which he feels confident securing. They have told us all this in the last week and are planning to relocate in January.

My mum is currently in a huff with me when I expressed concerns over the speed of the move and questioned whether they had thought everything through etc. When asked how long they were planning on living out there I was given a very vague answer of “oh maybe a few years but who knows!”

She just keeps on going on about the white sandy beaches and glorious sunshine and won’t it be a fabulous adventure. Reassuring me that she will still have a relationship with the grandkids due to the invention of FaceTime and we can come out to visit once they are settled over there.

There is also an expectation that I will deal with renting out of both her and her partners properties as they won’t have time before they go. Not to mention my mum’s 8 year old dog who my mum seems to think a family member will just take her because “no-one will see her in a shelter”.

All of this just seems completely out the blue and I’m struggling to be supportive. It’s almost like she’s so focussed on the fantasy that the reality has not even slightly entered in her mind. I’m not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Twilight7777 · 13/12/2023 21:09

I too think is incredibly quick and I think if you have some concerns about it, I would talk over it with a trusted friend that doesn’t have any emotional investment with your mother. The fact that a friend of your mother’s has let the cat out the bag about possible marriage is setting off my spidey senses. I have a feeling this is some sort of scam, possibly involving financial abuse. I hope I’m wrong.

Twilight7777 · 13/12/2023 21:23

Ticklemeharder · 11/12/2023 11:46

I can’t really divulge much about the DP’s work situation but he is British and high up in a regulated career. He is currently dealing with a dispute which means he is unable to work in his current field until it’s resolved (if ever) and his savings have all been used up in the court case.

Have you or your mother seen proof of this court case? Paperwork etc? It just seems a bit convenient that he’s ‘run out of money’

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2023 23:07

Twilight7777 · 13/12/2023 21:23

Have you or your mother seen proof of this court case? Paperwork etc? It just seems a bit convenient that he’s ‘run out of money’

Show quote history

I'm not saying there isn't anything 'fishy', but in my DS1's field it was common to have a 'do not compete' clause (no longer legal) in an employment contract. That clause barred one from working/competing in the same field for a particular length of time after you left that company. So I suppose it's possible that this man may have had something similar and didn't make good financial plans for the 'no compete' period.

Mirabai · 13/12/2023 23:52

It may simply be he’s been suspended until the case is resolved.

sueelleker · 14/12/2023 09:55

The difference is, momager1 , that you're not taking off with someone that you've just met. I think it's the speed of the arrangements that's worrying the OP; not the fact that it's happening.

Foxblue · 14/12/2023 10:07

I would never speak to my mother again if she abandoned her 8 year old dog for a bloke - not the point of the thread I know!! 😆

OneTC · 14/12/2023 10:53

You can't tell an adult what to do with their life, unlikely as it sounds if this is above board then it's entirely her decision to move or not. I am part of a family that is spread all over the world, I never met any of my grandparents. It doesn't seem weird to me. However:

1 - rentals, get on your bike mum
2 - dog, the only request I'd entertain
3 - and biggest concern for me is that this stinks of scam but there's only so much you can do to save an adult from themselves. Just make sure you do all of that

momager1 · 14/12/2023 18:57

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants Yes it is a bit of a faff to get all the paperwork together to bring a dog (or in my case 2 large standard poodles) here, but it can be done! Expense wise it is a bit, but if you can afford to move here, you can afford to bring your pets. @sueelleker Yes I guess the length of the relationship could be worrisome , but If the mother wants to take that risk, it is up to her. If it is a mistake, then she will be back trying to rebuild her life at home.

Snippit · 15/12/2023 11:32

They can instruct a company to deal with the properties and their rental, some offer a full package, obviously at a cost, but they’re choosing to bugger off.

As for her poor dog, if she really loved the little mite she could make arrangements to take her with her! I’d never abandon mine. I’d actually re home the dog, at that age they’re pretty easy to deal with, your kids would love it as well.

Let her have her fun by all means, but it’s up to them to sort their shit out and not dump it on remaining family. Look on the positive side, you can have some amazing holidays, the kids will love it.

MumtoSENprincess · 15/12/2023 16:19

Even before I saw this post I was thinking this seems too rushed and wondering whether your Mum is being pressurised or coerced by her partner into this. If they are planning a secret wedding, that confirms my suspicions. You need to be upfront with your Mum about what you have heard. If she is in the other side of the world it will be more difficult for you to support her and that leaves her more vulnerable to coercive control. Does she really want to go or is she being pressurised or forced into it by her partner?

MarsandVenus · 15/12/2023 17:46

I suspect not so much ‘pressured’ ax swept along by a very persuasive spiel. I have seen this kind of coercive control scenario in my own family. Some DPs are very good at convincing the person about unrealistic scenarios - like moving to a dream life in the Caribbean

Original poster
Ticklemeharder · 18/12/2023 01:10

Thank you all for your support on this thread. Things have escalated somewhat. I’ve had another chat with my DM who has confided in me that her DP has been very stressed with the court case etc and recently had a screaming fit at her, seemingly out the blue, where she said he was so threatening she feared for her safety. He threw their drinks against the wall where they smashed. She’s also told me he’s asked her to withdraw her entire pension and lend it to him. He told her it was for “cash flow” and she didn’t probe any further and has given it to him. Apparently signed some sort of agreement but god knows how legal it is.

He’s currently love bombing her again and although she says it’s not okay and it’s not right, she also is making excuses for him and I’m pretty sure they will stay together. She’s describing it as a “wobble”.

I feel more worried than ever about her safety and financial security but nothing seems to be getting through to her. She has said that she will not be flying out to the Caribbean straight away with him anymore so that’s something at least but I just fear he’s just going to disappear off with her pension money and that will be that.

I have no idea what I’m meant to do now. She’s a grown woman who has been given all the information, support and help and is still making terrible choices. I can’t force her to do anything but it’s awful to watch this play out in real life.

OP posts:
MarsandVenus · 18/12/2023 01:29

Oh OP! I was wondering what was happening and I am so sorry that this is all going the way it is. We had v similar with a family member who didn’t listen at first but (thankfully) saw sense in the end. These coercive types can be very persuasive, plus the duped partner is often psychologically resistant to admitting she’s been hoodwinked. I wish I had more advice to give. All I know is in our case, we persistently but calmly & logically spoke to the person about our concerns & kept presenting whatever facts/evidence we could that there was something wrong. She did see sense in the end & threw him out. Your DM is likely doubting or criticising herself for getting sucked in like this & we found that a gentle, no-blame yet persistent approach worked in our situation. Very best of luck to you. xx

TiredCatLady · 18/12/2023 02:17

OP that’s awful - she’s cashed in her pension or given him POA or something else? Is he love bombing to get the house or push the marriage through?

It’s time to get in touch with Age U.K. and/or the police. She’s been threatened and coerced into handing over money.

TempestTost · 18/12/2023 02:19

This guy is a grifter for sure.

Would she take advise from a friend, rather than her kids?

MariaLuna · 18/12/2023 02:30

Let her and them go but refuse to do anything about selling their houses, or whatever it isl

Their decision, their responsibility.

I'd love to "move to the Carribean" too, but my life is here (have a son) and don't have that kind of money.

Carribean is even more expensive than here. (Everything needs to be imported) and people think you are rich coming from Europe or USA.

Better to stay here and go on holiday when and where.

Agapornis · 18/12/2023 02:42

Time to contact the bank and/or pension fund to tell them she was threatened and coerced into transferring it to him. Hopefully it can be rolled back. Also contact the police.

Keepinmovin · 18/12/2023 07:23

If she's not flying out immediately hopefully that gives you a window to sit down and have a proper conversation with her.
If there's anything you can do to stop that pension being withdrawn though .. do it. That's awful. Can you tell her you'll lend the DP the cash and then tell him to do one?

sashh · 18/12/2023 08:16

Has she got a visa?

As for the weather, has she considered hurricanes?

Spottywombat · 18/12/2023 08:29

I think it's definitely coercive financial abuse.

Keep asking to see the paperwork.

Take advice, maybe Action Fraud?

Clare's law too for his history?

Newestname002 · 18/12/2023 10:51

@Ticklemeharder

I’ve had another chat with my DM who has confided in me that her DP has been very stressed with the court case etc and recently had a screaming fit at her, seemingly out the blue, where she said he was so threatening she feared for her safety. He threw their drinks against the wall where they smashed. She’s also told me he’s asked her to withdraw her entire pension and lend it to him. He told her it was for “cash flow” and she didn’t probe any further and has given it to him. Apparently signed some sort of agreement but god knows how legal it is.

Oh my word - this is exceedingly foolish behaviour from your mother. I'm assuming she took no legal advice herself from an independent financial advisor nor solicitor, especially as she's only told you after the fact. Can she show you the agreement she signed? She is leaving herself very open to fraud (if not already, re her pension) and more so if she goes ahead and marries this man and further entangles her finances with his. 🌹

Mirabai · 18/12/2023 13:00

That’s escalated fast. She’s cashed in her pension?! What will she live on?

I would report him to the police - financial abuse/fraud. She was coerced into handing over the money with intimidating behaviour.

It’s unlikely she will be able to get it back - it’s probably spent already.

Is he even in the profession he claims to be?

MrsOvertonsWindow · 18/12/2023 13:10

Another one suggesting it's time for the police. He's escalating with violence & financial coercion. The police do now take this seriously.

Take a look at this programme that demonstrates how easy it can be to part some older women (and men) from eye watering amounts of money to men (scammers) they've never met and consider how hard it must be to fend off a man like this in person:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000b1px

BBC One - For Love or Money

Consumer series focusing on online dating scams.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000b1px

MumtoSENprincess · 18/12/2023 13:18

Is this a private pension? Please get onto the pension provider asap and tell them what has happened. There should be some safeguards in place when large amounts of money are involved, so they may have raised some queries before paying out, but the sooner you put them in the picture, the better.

You can search on the Land Registry website to find the owners of properties - check out both your mother's address and his. If your mother's property comes up as 'pending registration' he may have persuaded her to sign it over to him and you need to get legal advice asap. The Land Registry has a backlog of work so you may be able to step in and prevent that.

Likewise the Court of Protection if she has signed an LPA in his favour.

Contact the Police domestic violence unit as they have officers who can deal with coercive control.

I hope you are able to intervene before too much damage is done, and I hope that your mother will see through this partner soon, but it is difficult for some people to admit to themselves that they have been duped and they want to believe in the person who has done it, so it may take a while before she accepts the situation. I wish you well with all of that x

Richard1985 · 18/12/2023 13:54

Is it her pension payment for the week? Or do you mean the entire value of her pension???

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