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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed at my mum’s expectations when moving to the Caribbean

262 replies

Ticklemeharder · 11/12/2023 09:46

My mum currently lives about 10 minutes away from me and my two DC’s (age 1 & 3). She’s recently moved in with her partner of 18 months and is very happy and in love. Her partner has had some issues with work in the UK but used to work in the Caribbean and has applied for a number of jobs there which he feels confident securing. They have told us all this in the last week and are planning to relocate in January.

My mum is currently in a huff with me when I expressed concerns over the speed of the move and questioned whether they had thought everything through etc. When asked how long they were planning on living out there I was given a very vague answer of “oh maybe a few years but who knows!”

She just keeps on going on about the white sandy beaches and glorious sunshine and won’t it be a fabulous adventure. Reassuring me that she will still have a relationship with the grandkids due to the invention of FaceTime and we can come out to visit once they are settled over there.

There is also an expectation that I will deal with renting out of both her and her partners properties as they won’t have time before they go. Not to mention my mum’s 8 year old dog who my mum seems to think a family member will just take her because “no-one will see her in a shelter”.

All of this just seems completely out the blue and I’m struggling to be supportive. It’s almost like she’s so focussed on the fantasy that the reality has not even slightly entered in her mind. I’m not sure what to do.

OP posts:
GoodLooking4MyAge · 11/12/2023 11:19

Being supportive doesn't mean blindly telling her all her decisions are great. Being supportive can be getting her to really consider what she's doing and telling her your concerns.

It is totally OK for you to change your mind about helping her rent out her house. You have two children to prioritise not your mother's mess.

Iwasafool · 11/12/2023 11:20

tachycardigan · 11/12/2023 10:19

You are massively projecting Circular. No one has said moving abroad makes her a bad grandmother. It’s the dumping of her pet and home rental responsibilities that people are objecting to.

And then OP is being expected to sort her mum’s boyfriend’s rental property too, OP likely doesn’t even know him well!

Edited
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How does dumping her dog make her a bad grandma? It makes her a bad dog owner.

Home rental depends, I imagined she was expecting DD to hold the keys and liaise with an agent so he could view it. If it isn't what she meant OP can say if that is what she is prepared to do.

adomizo · 11/12/2023 11:21

This is a mess ! You are definetly NOT bu. Has she ever been to the carribean? Like it's a big place! You can't take responsibility for everything it will create huge resentment between you.

tachycardigan · 11/12/2023 11:22

Iwasafool · 11/12/2023 11:20

How does dumping her dog make her a bad grandma? It makes her a bad dog owner.

Home rental depends, I imagined she was expecting DD to hold the keys and liaise with an agent so he could view it. If it isn't what she meant OP can say if that is what she is prepared to do.

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I didn’t say dumping her dog makes her a bad grandmother.

cooroocoocoo · 11/12/2023 11:23

So:

  • 18 month relationship
  • her partner has had "some issues with work in the UK"
  • relocating to partner's country of choice
  • partner has no work there yet, nor your mum
  • getting married without telling anyone

Doesn't sound like a very thought out plan. The last item on the list if worrying as it complicates things for your mum if it doesn't work.

Is there any one she listens to? She needs to protect herself. It is possible to be in love and protect oneself too. It is just healthy boundaries.

Iwasafool · 11/12/2023 11:23

Ticklemeharder · 11/12/2023 10:34

Ah well, funny you say that, but I bumped into one of her friends who also had spoken to DM about her plans to move and she’d told her friend that they were intending to get married before they go but wanted to keep it a private moment between them both so asked her to keep it quiet for now.

Friend looked mortified that I didn’t know and assumed close family had been told. Not bought it up with mum as I don’t want to drop her friend in it but it all makes me just feel uneasy and I can’t really put my finger on why.

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Your inheritance being at risk maybe?

FictionalCharacter · 11/12/2023 11:24

BarbaraofSeville · 11/12/2023 10:02

Refuse to do anything except make sure the dog isn't neglected. If they want their houses rented out and don't have time to deal with the admin, that's what letting agents are for.

100% this. She can't reasonably expect you to deal with letting houses and the massive amount of work and hassle that comes with that. Say a firm no to that. It's her responsibility.

theresnolimits · 11/12/2023 11:24

As someone who has done a move to the Caribbean
a) it’s tricky with work permits etc if you’re not married
b) it is glorious weather and white sandy beaches
c) she can take the dog

You don’t say how old she is, if she intends to work etc, if she has any health conditions. I’d discuss this when you’re telling her she has to have a rental agent ( we never made money from renting out house out - maintenance, agency fees, tax all meant we never covered the mortgage fully and had to subsidise it - can she do this?)

But once the practicalities are done, support her. Life is short.

cooroocoocoo · 11/12/2023 11:27

I don't think we should frame it as about the OP's inheritance.

It is about her DM's safety, financial indeed but also mental health and support (being without friend/withholding info from family members).

Say it was your adult daughter announcing after 18 months dating that partner and her are relocating abroad, without work contracts, and you found out via 1/3 party they are planning on getting married in secret. What would we advise then?

FictionalCharacter · 11/12/2023 11:27

FictionalCharacter · 11/12/2023 11:24

100% this. She can't reasonably expect you to deal with letting houses and the massive amount of work and hassle that comes with that. Say a firm no to that. It's her responsibility.

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PS And don't let her hire a letting agent and tell them "contact my daughter if there are any problems". They can contact her!

Fraaahnces · 11/12/2023 11:29

I take it you’re expected to declutter and clean her place too? I would let her know that you are going to be far too busy with other commitments for that one. The fact that they want to keep the marriage secret is screaming dodgy at me.

MinnieCauldwell · 11/12/2023 11:29

Stop focusing on the dog and renting the house out. The important question is why can't he find work in the UK but does think he can in the Caribean?

Why the secret marriage? Once married he is her next of kin. Does he have a UK passport? If not, is he able to return here.

I experienced a similiar situation with my DF, long story but they married secretly and it didn't end well for me or my DF. Ended well for his secret wife that got everything though, including UK passport....

Iwasafool · 11/12/2023 11:31

tachycardigan · 11/12/2023 11:22

I didn’t say dumping her dog makes her a bad grandmother.

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So what makes her a bad grandmother then? The only thing I can see that people could interpret that way is that being a good grandmother means you can't do something you want to do but you have to sacrifice your happiness so you are available to GC at any given moment.

You said, "You are massively projecting Circular. No one has said moving abroad makes her a bad grandmother. It’s the dumping of her pet and home rental responsibilities that people are objecting to." So are you saying you don't think she's a bad grandmother?

MsRosley · 11/12/2023 11:31

Apart from anything else, it's disgusting to abandon an old dog like that. Absolutely abhorrent. I couldn't get past that. As for expecting you to rent out both those properties, I would agree only on condition I was paid a significant percentage of the rental income as compensation.

tachycardigan · 11/12/2023 11:37

Iwasafool · 11/12/2023 11:31

So what makes her a bad grandmother then? The only thing I can see that people could interpret that way is that being a good grandmother means you can't do something you want to do but you have to sacrifice your happiness so you are available to GC at any given moment.

You said, "You are massively projecting Circular. No one has said moving abroad makes her a bad grandmother. It’s the dumping of her pet and home rental responsibilities that people are objecting to." So are you saying you don't think she's a bad grandmother?

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No one has said she’s a bad grandmother! I don’t think she’s a bad grandmother.

I think she’s being unreasonable to expect people to take on her dog and manage her rental property and that of her boyfriend.

EmmaEmerald · 11/12/2023 11:37

OP "This is clearly part of the reason they now have an expectation that I will sort it out when they are away."

No, you offered to "help", not take on the whole task? you need to tell them you can't do this. Helping someone declutter is a very different task to the whole job.

don't agree in exchange for money unless you know you're okay with managing a rental. I did it for a relative but it can be so much hassle, the people who say it's easy were very lucky.

Original poster
Ticklemeharder · 11/12/2023 11:41

Iwasafool · 11/12/2023 11:23

Your inheritance being at risk maybe?

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Not everyone is desperate for their parents to die or live a lonely life to get their hands on their cash. We have financially supported my mum over the years, she’s been unable to work and her (modest) house is the only asset she has. I don’t care who she leaves her money to when she passes away, I’d rather she spends it and enjoys herself.

OP posts:
hjytrjulykuyh · 11/12/2023 11:43

Hard to say if YABU as you haven't yet said whether you will accept her request to sort out the properties/sort out the dog etc.

If you do agree to do those things when you don't actually want to and then huff about it, then YABU. You don't need to do any of those things, and life gets much easier when you learn to ignore 'hints' until the person outright asks and then learn how to say 'no, I can't do that sorry'. She can't make you. It's fine if she wants to move and if it were my mum I'd be saying brilliant, go have fun, enjoy your life! Make the most of it! But if I didn't want to or couldn't do the practical things you mention I just wouldn't. Either she will do it herself and end up going and all is well, or she won't and she won't go, or she'll foist it onto someone else who agrees to do it. But only you have the power to put boundaries in place here around what you will/won't do to facilitate this move to take a deep breath, find your assertiveness, and take it from there.

Bellyblueboy · 11/12/2023 11:45

Iwasafool · 11/12/2023 10:03

I never did any of that, paid an agent and it was all done for me.

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Sorry - derailing the thread. Did the agent convert your mortgage for you? That’s brilliant and I hadn’t realised they did that.

Original poster
Ticklemeharder · 11/12/2023 11:46

I can’t really divulge much about the DP’s work situation but he is British and high up in a regulated career. He is currently dealing with a dispute which means he is unable to work in his current field until it’s resolved (if ever) and his savings have all been used up in the court case.

OP posts:
Autumnleavesarefallingdownagain · 11/12/2023 11:51

Your mum needs to sort her house out before she goes. Partner can go whenever he wants, she will need to follow on behind once she’s sorted her stuff out. Why is she racing off and dumping it on you? You have two very small children. Who will look after them while you’re sorting her house?

Keepinmovin · 11/12/2023 11:52

Of course it's all impractical and out-of blue. But raining on her parade won't get you anywhere. She will no doubt realise in the new year how much of a headache moving country is!
Just be clear on your boundaries

  • sorry mum I can't take on the rental side, you'd best organise an agent to pick this up as I haven't got time
  • I can't take on a dog at this time so you'd best talk to someone else
  • facetime is a great idea, happy to arrange a time for kids to speak to you. Just let me know the good times

The rest ... she has to discover for herself. Moving halfway across the world to live somewhere is no joke. I've done this myself. You have no friends and no support network and beaches may be lovely but that gets boring very quickly. Life is not the same when you live somewhere vs holiday. But there is literally zero point in trying to explain this to her right now. She has to find it out for herself

Autumnleavesarefallingdownagain · 11/12/2023 11:52

And absolutely do NOT manage the rental. She can
find a letting agent to manage it.

Soontobe60 · 11/12/2023 12:00

emsyj37 · 11/12/2023 10:21

I don't think @Circularargument is projecting at all, there are multiple comments in the replies that suggest OP's mother is a bad grandparent. I interpreted the comments in the same way!

There are 3 comments so far, only 2 of them could loosely be interpreted as her being a bad grandparent.

housethatbuiltme · 11/12/2023 12:01

I have spent my entire adult life raising children, the only reason I live in the miserable hell hole of a town is so they can be close to their remaining family (my DH family, I don't have family) so once they are grown if I want to finally move away somewhere warm and nice and live my own life then that my right and I do not need my kids permission.

You can say 'sorry mam I can't be playing landlord, you'll have to hire a letting agent' and 'sorry mam I cannot commit to taking on a dog'... thats fair enough but you do NOT get a say in what she does as a free adult.

You should support her in finally chasing the life of adventure shes clearly excited for.

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