To feel annoyed at my mum’s expectations when moving to the Caribbean

[Ticklemeharder]

My mum currently lives about 10 minutes away from me and my two DC’s (age 1 & 3). She’s recently moved in with her partner of 18 months and is very happy and in love. Her partner has had some issues with work in the UK but used to work in the Caribbean and has applied for a number of jobs there which he feels confident securing. They have told us all this in the last week and are planning to relocate in January.

My mum is currently in a huff with me when I expressed concerns over the speed of the move and questioned whether they had thought everything through etc. When asked how long they were planning on living out there I was given a very vague answer of “oh maybe a few years but who knows!”

She just keeps on going on about the white sandy beaches and glorious sunshine and won’t it be a fabulous adventure. Reassuring me that she will still have a relationship with the grandkids due to the invention of FaceTime and we can come out to visit once they are settled over there.

There is also an expectation that I will deal with renting out of both her and her partners properties as they won’t have time before they go. Not to mention my mum’s 8 year old dog who my mum seems to think a family member will just take her because “no-one will see her in a shelter”.

All of this just seems completely out the blue and I’m struggling to be supportive. It’s almost like she’s so focussed on the fantasy that the reality has not even slightly entered in her mind. I’m not sure what to do.

Definitely don't take on the letting. It's too much work and you've already got enough to do!

As for getting married, I'm not surprised she's thinking about it - would be strange if she didn't if she's planning on moving abroad with him.

She's an adult though, there's nothing you can do. Just let her make her own mistakes - or find a happiness she never had before. She's raised you so she's obviously competent 😉

It's sad she's moving so far after being so close, but she's finished her childbearing days and this is the time she can live a bit before she gets too old. Being happy for her that she's having an adventure doesn't negate your feelings of loss.

But don't take the dog, unless it's great with young kids and you REALLY want one.

It makes you uneasy because your mum is keeping her intended marriage a secret from close family and acting in a way designed to piss off family and is also binning her relationship with her grandchildren (and you!) with little thought or explanation.

Either your mum has always been very self-centred, or she’s been love-bombed into someone who is deliberately chipping away at her links to family to put her in a vulnerable position. Thatnisniften how abusive relationships start.

So she is now giving up everything to follow a man she hasn’t known very long to a distant country.

I would NOT be supportive. If my
mum did this I would tell her they her behaviour is incredibly hurtful and that I would not have anything to do with renting properties, taking dog etc because I am worried about her.

I would also beg her to see a therapist to explore why she thinks this is a good idea and why she kept her engagement secret and why this man cares so little about her family relationships.

Let me guess, she has more money than him? And he doesn’t have a UK passport?

This.

• childREARING days!

Let me guess, she has more money than him? And he doesn’t have a UK passport?

This is important. You didn't say where he's from. If he is planning on moving home, rather than abroad, and she has more money than him then this changes things. You mentioned he also owns property in Britain so I assumed he was British.

I understand you're worried about your mum but...100 times this.

Do not get into this as a favour to her, it's awful. And obviously don't take the dog.

I don't know if I'd ask a parent if they've thought about what they're doing...if they are offbeat enough to just assume someone will take their dog, maybe I would!

I do know someone who did this and tbh she had a great time. It was much frowned upon. She had an affair for about two years, her husband had a nervous breakdown when she left and he found all out.

She and her affair guy moved out there, got married, still there years later. I know her DC visit and I've seen photos. Looks fab. Depends what you want.

But her expectations of you are completely unreasonable.

Nobody's saying the grandmother can't move. Just that she can't expect the OP to be responsible for her properties and dog. I'm sorry for your friend, but she can't expect her son or daughter to put their life on hold because she has been widowed. Life doesn't work like that.

@Ticklemeharder

Has she checked if there are likely to be any problems with her still getting uk State pension/Pension Credit or NHS treatment whilst she's living out of the UK?

As far as renting out not only her property, but her partner's also(!!) - that's a very big "No" - that you don't have the capacity and don't want the responsibility of undertaking this on top of your own life responsibilities.

I think you need to be very clear to her, and anyone who might try and "volunteer " you, that you won't undertake what she's trying to foist on you (including the dog). As others have said, perhaps he can go over early and get set up whilst she handles the jobs before joining him. Good luck and hope you are able to clearly get your message across. 🌹

Also you say this "It’s almost like she’s so focussed on the fantasy that the reality has not even slightly entered in her mind"

what's his financial position? I'm just wondering what realities you're worried about.

Exactly. How dare a woman do anything in life except provide care to a man and children and grandchildren and any and all sick relatives!

Honestly I would be so hurt if my mum left for the Caribbean when I had a 1 and 3 year old. I accept that I am being unreasonable in this, but that’s how I would feel.

It’s obviously her choice to go, and you shouldn’t be negative about it. But make it very clear from the beginning that you will not be having any involvement in renting houses or sorting the dog. I’m sure you have enough on your plate.

Getting secretly married in December by not even telling your children and relocating to a different country in January would raise flags for most people. Not to mention dumping the dog and rental home responsibilities.

Are you seriously saying you would be fine if your parent did this and have no concerns?

Unfortunately, I’ve dug myself a hole with regard to renting the properties as I offered to help rent my mums property (as she moved in with her DP 2 months ago) so she had some income coming in but she is a bit of a hoarder and there is so much stuff in her house that needs to be sorted out before she can even look at renting it. She’s lovely but gets overwhelmed very easily at anything she feels is “hard work” which is why nothing has been done at her house for the last couple of months. This is clearly part of the reason they now have an expectation that I will sort it out when they are away.

My mum is a wonderful grandparent and I don’t begrudge her a life of her own at all. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sad at her decision. They are going because they can’t afford to live in the UK if her DP can’t get another job here. They know it will still be tight financially in the Caribbean but at least they will have the sun and the beaches. The reality is that they won’t be able to afford to come here for holidays and we are unlikely to be able to afford to visit them either (or at least not frequently). Selfishly, I feel sad that she won’t be around for the DC’s birthdays/Christmases and they won’t really remember who she is.

I think I just feel a bit taken aback by how unbothered she seems to be about leaving her friends, family and her dog (who she adores) and the secrecy with the marriage. It’s like she’s turned into a different person but maybe it’s just excitement clouding her judgement right now.

Check out posts by @YouveGotAFastCar and @YireosDodeAver

Bad grandmother, looking for a bit of sun and adventure. Doesn't she know you can't be a good grandmother unless you are round the corner to help hug her grandchildren?

Helping her rent out her house when she is here is very different to having sole responsibility for it when she is living abroad though. I wouldn’t let her continue “assuming” that you will just sort everything out. It would be better to say sooner than later that you can’t be responsible for it.

Maybe the reality of having to sort out her own property will slow the move down a bit and give her some more time to reflect on everything.

You just need to deliver what my wife calls a shit sandwich. Send a message along the lines of:

Really happy about your move, sorry if it came across previously that I wasn't. Sounds like a wonderful adventure

Just want to put it out there that I'm not going to have time/energy to deal with the houses and dog

We really can't wait to visit when you get out there. Me and the kids have been looking at pics online and it looks amazing

Neither of those posts say ‘bad grandmother’. If anything OP’s mum will be an absent grandmother, and that’s her right.

I'd feel uneasy that she was planning to marry but keeping it from her own daughter (assuming they have a good relationship). It would make me wonder if she's being pressurised into it by the partner, and he's trying to stop he talking it through with anyone.

OP, of course she can move wherever she wants in the world, and with whoever she wants.
But if you are concerned, why be an enabler? The houses and the dog are her problems to sort out, and if she is all starry-eyed and given to fantasy, the reality of having to sort out her own shit may slow her down a little.
May make her realise that to have her dreams, there is planning and work involved. It’s not just handed to you on a plate whilst other people deal with the stress and long-term support.
Rather like a parent giving an adult child everything without that child ever developing the understanding that most dreams need effort and work from the dreamer. Not being carried by those that love you because you do t want to do the hard bits.
Let her go, but the organising of the houses, the hoarding and the dog are not your problem. Say no.

I went to work in the Caribbean years ago, sounded great! The reality wasn't the islands where small and although I had the job already it took best part of 4 months to get all the work permits etc in place, which need to be renewed each year. it was expensive to rent a property as the landlords put a premium on non belongers rents!!!

I also rented out my property here which turned out to be a nightmare with an agent, in the end a pal rented it with huge discount. don't get involved in property rentals let a agent sort it for your Mum.

they need a income from the off living abroad unless her partner is from the island they are going to

Healthcare will also be private and with the best will in the world will be expensive and very poor, I was unwell and I was medi vaced to Florida.

More power to her really if she wants to go off on an adventure and live abroad, life’s pretty short, it’s good to do these things if the opportunity presents itself. Maybe it’ll be everything she hoped it would be, maybe it won’t be, but I think it’s worth a shot.
That being said, nothing would be falling on me to organise if this was my mother. I would be stating, very clearly, that I had no intention of taking in her dog or organising the rental of their properties. She can hire an agent for the latter and the former, well, that’s up to her really.

The post I quoted literally said, "You can't make her be a good grandma."

Not sorting out the dog would make her a bad dog owner, expecting her DD to run the lets makes her a thoughtless mother.

Being a good grandma can only be referring to her not being here for her GC and you know families end up in different places for a variety of reasons. The OPs mum has brought up her family, nice if she sees the GC but they aren't actually her responsibility and I say that as a gran who is currently bringing up a GC who did actually need me.

I'm a good landlord, I manage my agents as despite being good, you still have to take an interest. Setting up a rental can take all the money too, make sure you're not out of pocket.

Don't let her outsource work to you. Or as my DM says, I will let you deal with the shit. Don't be me!

Find out how much a local agent would charge to manage the rental property then offer to do it with a 10% discount. You offering to do it for free is indulging her in her fantasy. Don’t go there.

Where about in the Caribbean?