To feel annoyed at my mum’s expectations when moving to the Caribbean

[Ticklemeharder]

My mum currently lives about 10 minutes away from me and my two DC’s (age 1 & 3). She’s recently moved in with her partner of 18 months and is very happy and in love. Her partner has had some issues with work in the UK but used to work in the Caribbean and has applied for a number of jobs there which he feels confident securing. They have told us all this in the last week and are planning to relocate in January.

My mum is currently in a huff with me when I expressed concerns over the speed of the move and questioned whether they had thought everything through etc. When asked how long they were planning on living out there I was given a very vague answer of “oh maybe a few years but who knows!”

She just keeps on going on about the white sandy beaches and glorious sunshine and won’t it be a fabulous adventure. Reassuring me that she will still have a relationship with the grandkids due to the invention of FaceTime and we can come out to visit once they are settled over there.

There is also an expectation that I will deal with renting out of both her and her partners properties as they won’t have time before they go. Not to mention my mum’s 8 year old dog who my mum seems to think a family member will just take her because “no-one will see her in a shelter”.

All of this just seems completely out the blue and I’m struggling to be supportive. It’s almost like she’s so focussed on the fantasy that the reality has not even slightly entered in her mind. I’m not sure what to do.

Big red flags here ... agree with other posters about letting agents. Being a landlord is a big pain so let a company deal with that. As for the dog - if it's a breed/cross breed then breed rescue could hopefully help (google, e.g. springer spaniel rescue). Maybe start on that so your Mum sees the reality of it (whereas if you have the dog then she'll feel that she can come home to see it at any time). Living in a lovely hot country is a lot different to a two week holiday ... could the partner not move out there first, renting out his house, and she goes for an initial holiday? Has she been to that island before?

I would breathe a sigh of relief that she isn’t selling her house here and marrying him…

Be excited and supportive for her adventure. But maybe say that organising rental has important legal and financial responsibilities and you think it would be better / safer if an agency did it.

Re dog “oooh, who is going to foster darling Rover? Obviously we can’t take him but we’ll visit him if he goes nearby”

You are massively projecting Circular. No one has said moving abroad makes her a bad grandmother. It’s the dumping of her pet and home rental responsibilities that people are objecting to.

And then OP is being expected to sort her mum’s boyfriend’s rental property too, OP likely doesn’t even know him well!

I don't think @Circularargument is projecting at all, there are multiple comments in the replies that suggest OP's mother is a bad grandparent. I interpreted the comments in the same way!

😅😅😅😅
That's fair.
I rescind my advice and update it to @Lemonyyys

Not one person has suggested OP’s DM is a bad grandparent. You are seeing things that aren’t there.

I’d be pleased for her but I wouldn’t sort her properties.

I don’t know why it’s a problem that she doesn’t know how long she is going for? Nor why you are sure the reality won’t be white sandy beaches? Have you moved out there and lived there yourself?

Don't take on being landlord to two properties! Don't really understand why they have to move away so quickly but your DM is right, that is definitely not enough time to get things sorted and make sure the property is legally safe. It's a headache and even with a lettings agent you will still have to sort things out, make decisions, sometimes find tradesmen as the agent will try to overcharge you etc. etc.

The bit that got me is that she doesn't seem to care about the dog. It sounds like she's not bothered about taking him back when she returns if she's thought about giving him to a shelter. If she isn't really sad about having to give the dog away then I find that pretty strange as most people wouldn't just dump their dog forever to chase a dream

I would have one very serious conversation and if she doesnt listen say I'll support her fully. Then id make vaguely agreeable noises about how lovely the beaches will be when she mentions it and be very very very clear that I cannot deal with the fall out like sorting the do it the rentals when she mentions those.

I don’t think 18 mths is too soon in a relationship to do this - particularly between older people who have accumulated decades of life experience - given she is keeping her home and will have it to return to. I think it’s an exciting adventure.

But it isn’t right to leave dealing with the dog and the rental properties to other family members so she needs a reality check on those issues and needs to make proper arrangements for them. And I agree that it shows a rather uncaring attitude to her dog and makes me wonder if she’s not a particularly good dog-owner.

I wouldn't stand in her way of living wherever she wants. However, I would not take on the task of renting out the property - lots of regulations that I wouldn't want to have to worry about. An agency needs to be doing that. As for the dog - I might eventually take it in as I'd feel sorry for it having to go to a shelter, but it's such a responsibility that I certainly wouldn't make it easy for her.

It's a bit rich to tell you that you need to manage her rental! That's ridiculous and rude. She sounds as if she acting in a rash way, does she really care about this dog if she's just assuming someone will take it on and she hasn't made proper enquiries? She's saying no one will see it in a shelter - sounds as if from her behaviour she likely would.

Grandparents aren't obliged to be in their grandkids lives but I would be hurt by her actions. It's her life but let her deal with all the logistics.

I think it's great, why not. 18 months isn't that quick. Worst case she moves back home. Best, she has an adventure of a life time!

Under no circumstances though would I let her have me organise the lettings. Let an agency do that and she can pay them. The dog well it depends on if you want it or not.

I'd only start getting concerned if she wanted to sell her house etc to 'invest' in 'the best deal'

'Wow Mum, that sounds like an amazing adventure. Just to be clear though, I can't take your dog and haven't got time to do anything with your rental properties, so make sure you get that all sorted before you go'

Your dm's decision is hers to make. And I understand why you feel sad but there is no basis for trying to talk her out of it. She's has the right to live where she pleases.

But, she is completely unreasonable to expect you to anything with regard to the practicalities of their houses and dog in this country. Don't pussyfoot around around. Simple, clear "no" .

In your shoes I would say that you can’t manage the rental beyond being a local contact, there is a lot to it, I would suggest to her that she’s the estate agents “managed service” option, costs more but they often arrange boiler services, get quotes etc and she can be in email contact to approve.

otherwise I would smile and nod, let her find a place for the dog, speak to estate agents (should be easy to rent out in current market), my only suggestion would be to make sure that she can always afford a flight home if needed, also regular dental/medical checks when visiting home.

Spending time the in Caribbean sounds good
But there is a big difference between going on holiday & living there, as with any move to another country

If she wishes to rent out her property, she should do this via a property agent that will assist & charge accordingly

There are responsibilities being a landlord & she will need to pay & organise the below
Agency fees, tenant checks, 6 monthly checks, deposit etc
Landlord insurance
Repairs
Yearly gas & electrical safety certificates
HMRC Self assessment for income earnt & possibly tax depending on the amount earned
Mortgage if there is still one
Etc
Your DM should give this to an agency, not you !

Apart from all of the above comments why can’t she take the dog with her?

Ah well, funny you say that, but I bumped into one of her friends who also had spoken to DM about her plans to move and she’d told her friend that they were intending to get married before they go but wanted to keep it a private moment between them both so asked her to keep it quiet for now.

Friend looked mortified that I didn’t know and assumed close family had been told. Not bought it up with mum as I don’t want to drop her friend in it but it all makes me just feel uneasy and I can’t really put my finger on why.

I agree with others that you should be supportive. It's good that they are renting and not selling. It is an adventure and you can go and visit in the summer.

But definitely refuse to take on extra commitments. Don't be responsible for the renting or the dog, just tell her to get an agent and that you can't.

She has every right to move abroad, it sounds a great adventure.

But I think you need to be blunt about what you're willing to do, so that she is forced to make arrangements herself. It's not fair for her to just assume you'll take on a load of work to support the move. "Mum I won't be looking after your dog, and I won't be renting out the houses."

Are you absolutely sure the boyfriend isn't a fraudster? Move to Caribbean, gets your DM to sell up and marry him, cash in on her property and on to the next one? I might be over suspicious but it does happen, and a sense of urgency and isolation are usually involved.

Why can't he get work here? Criminal record? This reminds me a bit of the tinder swindler...

Have you met his family and friends, know much about his history?

No to being an unpaid agent or dog carer. You do get property guardians/house sitters who live in and care for pets, no money exchanging hands either way. Might help.

I’d take the dog in but I’d not touch the properties. Literally don’t even raise a hand to it. Just because it sounds like a time suck nightmare.
But otherwise, it sounds an amazing adventure for her! Hope she has a fabulous time and you have some fabulous holidays there.

I would point blank refuse to have anything to do with renting their houses out. Don't even help a little bit to get the ball rolling, before you know it you'll be doing it all. They can employ an agent, same as all the other UK landlords who live abroad.

I don’t know why you feel uneasy either. Other than you just don’t seem to want your mother to have her own life. They have been together for 18 months, that is plenty long enough to decide they want to move to the Caribbean for a little adventure. She can come back if she doesn’t like it. Why don’t you try to be happy and excited for her.

The property and dog issues are easily resolved, “Take your dog with you mother” and “call a lettings agent”.