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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend her ds is a shit?

289 replies

MidnightMidwinter · 11/12/2023 09:12

I made friends with a very lovely lady 11 years ago through our NCT group. We’re really close - been on holiday together multiple times, always round each other’s houses etc. Our sons were in the same class at primary school and were pretty good friends, mainly because we did stuff all together at weekends though, tbh, as they’re both very different kids.

Both our DSs have started at the same secondary in September. DS and friend’s DS were put in different tutor groups and no longer really hang out at all as friend’s DS is sporty and play football at lunchtimes and my ds doesn’t. We live pretty rurally and it’s a 45 minute journey door to door. They get the bus Mon-Weds but I give them a lift on Thursday and Friday as it’s on my route. Friend’s DS lived about 100m away from us so not going out of my way at all to pick him up and it’s just what you do, isn’t it?

Anyway, in about May I got a converted van that I use as my car. It’s my pride and joy and I try and keep it as clean as possible as never had a nice vehicle before. Every time I’ve given friend’s DS a lift he’s immediately started eating his lunch in the van and I ask him not to. He huffs and rolls his eyes but will eventually put his sandwich away, always after having made an seemingly deliberate amount of mess in doing so. Not just a few crumbs but smears of jam on the seats/ crisps stamped into the floor kind of thing.

On Thursday I dropped them off, said “gooodbye” and friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me. I was confused and didn’t think much more about it. Then on Friday I noticed he was fiddling with the sliding curtain that goes across the window next to where he sits. I ask him to stop as I need to see out of the window and again he huffs, rolls eyes and says “fine” before carrying on for a few seconds and eventually stopping.

Cleaning out the van this weekend I open the sliding door and the curtains just fall off their runners. Looking at the opposite window I see there are little black plastic bits on the end of each runner to stop this happening. I’m 99% sure this is what friend’s DS showed me on Thursday morning and then he then decided to unthread the curtains on Friday on purpose.

I’m so bloody angry with him. It’s such a nasty thing to do and I almost feel like I’m being bullied by an 11yo! I know if I tell his mum it will be a huge issue - she’s forever going on about people making things up to get him into trouble, convinced that he’s a very sweet boy, just overconfident and that people don’t like that. But he’s not, he’s just a shit. I am absolutely not giving him lifts anymore.

I thought I’d give it a few days to make sure I wasn’t blowing it out of proportion but I’m still furious. AIBU to tell my friend this or am I just being over precious about my van?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 11/12/2023 18:59

zingally · 11/12/2023 17:21

"Hi Jane, just a heads up that I won't be giving Thomas a lift home on Thursdays and Fridays going forward. I didn't mention it earlier, as I didn't want to cause an issue between us two, but he's been very rude in the car. I've repeatedly asked him not to eat in the car, yet have repeatedly found jam wiped on the seats and crisps crunched into the floor. And on Friday he took the runners off the blinds and left with them. I only know because he showed me them in his hand as he got out, but I have only just made the connection as to what they were when I saw the damage to the blinds over the weekend.
Frankly, I've got no interest in having a kid around who deliberately vandalises my vehicle."

Don't offer "if he apologises etc I might re-consider" etc. The arrangement is OFF. You aren't bargaining with his mum. You are simply reporting a fact to her. The fact being that he isn't welcome in your car from this day onwards.

agree with this. It needs to be factual and to the point. No negotiation.

BlueMongoose · 11/12/2023 19:02

Ohtobetwentytwo · 11/12/2023 10:10

If it takes an 11 year old to remove them then they arent thick enough to choke on them. A 2 year old couldn't.

Unbelievable. He shouldn't be fiddling around with the car full stop. How does he manage in woodwork or cookery class?

Quite- this was a van, not a family car.
Very young kids are in child seats and can't reach anything much, older kids have no excuse for mucking about with other people's things.
A kid who would do this could just as easily decide to undo a seatbelt or do anything else stupid, and the OP could get blamed if they didn't notice what the brat was doing (because they were driving) and there was an accident.

Dontbehorridhenry · 11/12/2023 19:07

Depends... if they're a lot of hassle to replace I'd text your friend a picture and say could you ask Damien for these, he was playing with them and left with them but I didn't know what they were, turns out they're from the curtain rail! Possibly his parents have found them if doing his laundry?

Then once you get them safely back you can say Thanks I dont think I can do the lifts anymore, and either leave it for ehem to work out, or mention the warnings about food.

You could be honest, which is totally reasonable from the start but... those things sound like a PITA to replace x

Dontbehorridhenry · 11/12/2023 19:09

What a ridiculous leap about 2 year olds! 😊

WhichIsItWendy · 11/12/2023 19:10

11yr olds can be twats and this boy sounds like one. Overly spoilt I'd expect by the sounds of his mum who's done him no favours.

I'd be texting your friend "hey friend, I was just wondering if your son has given you any little black plastic pieces in the last few days? He took 4 out of my van last week which has resulted in the curtains coming off. He showed me them as he left the van with a smile on his face. Giving him the benefit of doubt, I'm hoping he's kept them to return them to me? Unfortunately, as he's not showing much respect for me or my vehicle, I'm going to have to stop giving him lifts. I hope you understand"

TommyNever · 11/12/2023 19:14

This reply has been deleted

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coldcallerbaiter · 11/12/2023 19:20

Get the clips back. Then stop the lifts.

If you say no lifts, she will not give them back as easily as she will be furious.

If you do not get them back, just buy them off eBay or whatever. Small price to pay.

Not saying he won’t grow out of all this, we have all done silly things as kids, it is just not your problem.

So what if you drive by her house, so what if her dear little job doesn’t allow her to do lifts…not your problem

Daffodilsandtuplips · 11/12/2023 19:30

He could have had the table manners of Royalty, it doesn’t matter, OP asked him not to eat in the van.
The food issue is deliberate, smearing jam onto seats and treading crisps into the carpet is deliberate. He knows his mother thinks the sun shines out of his backside and he can do no wrong in her eyes.
The op is up front driving, she can’t see what he’s up to in the back. This time it was the curtain rail stoppers, the next time it could be a water heater setting or gas valve.

Original poster
MidnightMidwinter · 11/12/2023 20:17

Don’t worry, his name isn’t really Damien. I was using the name another poster had assigned to him.

I’ll have to tell friend beforehand rather than drive past as they need to leave much earlier on the days they catch the bus. I’m seeing her on Wednesday so I’ll have a chat with her about it then. I don’t hold out much hope for getting them back, though. Particularly annoying as I can’t find ones online that are the same shape.

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 11/12/2023 20:51

You cannot find the right shaped bits? Oh, now I am pissed off!
We need a thread to find them…

BrimfulOfMash · 11/12/2023 21:06

If you saw him put them in his pocket they might still be there. I would pop round and ask to check if they are in his pockets.. don’t give prior warning.

Otherwise he may have just thrown them in the grass where you dropped them off so probably too late to find them now.

Can you ask the manufacturer / van conversion people?

But I would start by going round when you know he is not out wearing his coat, and say pleasantly but firmly “Damian, are the bits of my van curtain rail that you put in your pocket still there? I need to put them back so can we check please “ or just tell your friend what you saw and ask to see if they are there. Approach it from ‘I need to solve my practical issue’ rather than criticise his behaviour. But then tell your friend that sadly the lifts have come to an end.

BrimfulOfMash · 11/12/2023 21:08

coldcallerbaiter · 11/12/2023 20:51

You cannot find the right shaped bits? Oh, now I am pissed off!
We need a thread to find them…

We do! Can you post a pic of the rail on the other side showing the crucial bit?

Sparticle · 11/12/2023 21:56

MidnightMidwinter · 11/12/2023 20:17

Don’t worry, his name isn’t really Damien. I was using the name another poster had assigned to him.

I’ll have to tell friend beforehand rather than drive past as they need to leave much earlier on the days they catch the bus. I’m seeing her on Wednesday so I’ll have a chat with her about it then. I don’t hold out much hope for getting them back, though. Particularly annoying as I can’t find ones online that are the same shape.

Ah sorry I missed the original Damien post Brew

namechangnancy · 11/12/2023 22:19

I would stop giving a lift to the little shit bag.

Also to the person who suggested you buy him something because he's fidgety in the car and to stop him damaging your car buy him a toy.
Fuck no.

Kids like this are made 100% worse when their parents refuse to parent and say things like "he's just a energetic boy"

Nah some kids are turds in the bin 🗑️
Tell his mum she will flounce and huff and that's no real hardship tbh in my view

theconfidenceofwho · 11/12/2023 22:31

I'd be extremely angry Op - definitely no more lifts.

Boomboom22 · 11/12/2023 22:42

11 is not that small, he's old enough to get the bus, walk to the school, be home alone. Not an innocent little toddler who accidentally played with a curtain rail! I'd wager most 11 year old boys are both stronger and with more nimble fingers than say a 40 year old woman. Mine are anyway!

HarvesterMoon · 11/12/2023 22:44

I’ve only read your posts, OP. Years ago I, like many others with the same child, went through the same strife. Both his parents always argued he was blameless, as this boy’s mother does. Speaking to them proved fruitless.
I wouldn’t bother discussing it with her. Just tell her you’re not coming straight home, that your son has clubs elsewhere after school/ has been invited to a new friend’s house and you’re popping in for coffee when you pick him up later. Keep inventing reasons to prevent you giving him a lift. He’s not your problem, he’s hers.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 11/12/2023 23:40

OP we couldn’t find replacements for some of our missing end stoppers so my DH used screws screwed into the channel the of the rail but standing proud a little. I’ll take a photo tomorrow if you like.
Spares for missing or broken parts can be hard to find. Or often in packs of 20 or are the ‘new version’ that doesn’t quite fit.

Nanaof1 · 12/12/2023 02:34

HarvesterMoon · 11/12/2023 22:44

I’ve only read your posts, OP. Years ago I, like many others with the same child, went through the same strife. Both his parents always argued he was blameless, as this boy’s mother does. Speaking to them proved fruitless.
I wouldn’t bother discussing it with her. Just tell her you’re not coming straight home, that your son has clubs elsewhere after school/ has been invited to a new friend’s house and you’re popping in for coffee when you pick him up later. Keep inventing reasons to prevent you giving him a lift. He’s not your problem, he’s hers.

I am pretty sure the OP is giving them rides TO school, not home. So, she just needs to be honest with the friend. Then stop giving the brat a ride anywhere.

HarvesterMoon · 12/12/2023 03:34

My mistake @Nanaof1. Thanks.

Thenewmags · 12/12/2023 04:05

I have a close friend like that, I do love her kids - as I do all my friends kids - and I used to take them out and send them birthday presents etc when they were younger etc. However, I’ve noticed the older they’ve got two of her kids can be rude and even a bit spiteful.

I witnessed her daughter try and bully some of my others friends kids who were much younger than her during a simple game . This was during an event I had invited my friends and their families to (so I immediately intervened). So when she tells me the teachers are being unfair to her kids as they would never do X Y or Z, I take it with a pinch of salt.

I’d definitely speak up if they damaged my property though .

I hope the mum does the right thing when you speak to her on Wednesday. If she doesn’t definitely consider stepping away from the friendship. It’s likely her son is the way he is because of her.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 12/12/2023 05:34

Contact some wreckers and see if they have any similar cars that you can buy the missing bits from.

Original poster
MidnightMidwinter · 12/12/2023 07:21

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 12/12/2023 05:34

Contact some wreckers and see if they have any similar cars that you can buy the missing bits from.

It’s a converted van so it’s not a standard part, unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
MidnightMidwinter · 12/12/2023 07:22

Daffodilsandtuplips · 11/12/2023 23:40

OP we couldn’t find replacements for some of our missing end stoppers so my DH used screws screwed into the channel the of the rail but standing proud a little. I’ll take a photo tomorrow if you like.
Spares for missing or broken parts can be hard to find. Or often in packs of 20 or are the ‘new version’ that doesn’t quite fit.

Edited

Ooh, that’s a really good idea! Thank you! I was considering using putty but I know I’d make a right mess of that.

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 12/12/2023 08:43

MidnightMidwinter · 11/12/2023 20:17

Don’t worry, his name isn’t really Damien. I was using the name another poster had assigned to him.

I’ll have to tell friend beforehand rather than drive past as they need to leave much earlier on the days they catch the bus. I’m seeing her on Wednesday so I’ll have a chat with her about it then. I don’t hold out much hope for getting them back, though. Particularly annoying as I can’t find ones online that are the same shape.

I’ll have to tell friend beforehand rather than drive past

Absolutely agree.

You are being proactive of your vehicle and of your own sanity! You don't need to be nasty (which just driving past would be)

Let's hope his mum takes your comments to heart instead of dismissing them, otherwise she's going to have a very difficult (and possibly even dangerous) teenager on her hands.

EDIT: apostrophe in the wrong place. I was going to just ignore it but I knew it was there and I couldn't walk away.

It would have niggled at me for weeks.